To be pissed off that he didn’t offer?

[PB96]

I’ve been with new boyfriend around 3 months, known him around 6 and he has been regularly staying around my house for the last 2 months. He has his own place but I have a dog that I don’t like to leave and he lives in a flat whereas I have a house and garden.

He stayed over the other night. We both didn’t sleep all that well for different reasons. He is pretty used to not sleeping very much due to work and was absolutely fine, whereas I have a chronic health condition and if I don’t sleep well, I felt absolutely rotten the next morning (severe headaches, feeling sick, struggle to get out of bed sort of thing).

I do all the cooking for us both, as he doesn’t like doing it but does it absolutely fine for himself at his own house, and I don’t know if he feels 100% comfortable cooking at my house. So we woke up the next morning, and I was really really struggling, it got to around midday and we were both hungry however he didn’t once offer to get up and make breakfast for us both even though he knew how awful I felt, he just waited until I was up and out of bed to cook something (for him too).

AIBU to be pissed off about this and that he could have made the effort as a one-off?

He is getting cold feet, and the relationship is so new. Have you just told him about your chronic health condition? Because, tbh, life is usually not that easy for people and if I found out about a chronic health condition in a new partner, I would run a mile (I am not strong enough to carry somebody else's load). I carry the weight of a dh's post-op fallout now, but that is different, his operation was after 25 years of marriage.

So, he’s staying over; you’re having sex; but asking him to cook or do something as a favour or generally is outside your relationship boundaries?

He certainly could have made an effort, breakfast is hardly difficult, tea, toast, cereal would have done and/or an egg.

Alternatively your man could have ordered a breakfast delivery - that is always nice. I used to treat myself to that occasionally, haven't done so for a long time but it was lovely: egg, bacon, bubble - whatever else you fancy - toast, coffee or, if you prefer, pancakes or an omelette. It's a treat and wouldn't have hurt him to do that.

I hope he at least buys groceries sometimes.

I get that your home is nicer and more convenient but don't let your boyfriend take the piss, he has to pull his weight, especially if you are unwell. That's part and parcel of a relationship.

Tell him you are fed up of always cooking meals, you need a break from it. He may well just have got used to how things are at yours and just doesn't think.

If he doesn't pull his socks up, get rid. You and your dog can do better.

If I had someone stay over and I wasn't well enough to cook breakfast, I'd have breakfast delivered for us. I certainly wouldn't have waited until lunchtime. Alternatively, I would have kicked him out to his own house and ordered breakfast just for myself.

But I agree that you should have just asked.

He doesn’t cook but expects a proper cooked breakfast, cooked by you, every time he stays over.

No way would I be having that! Breakfast is surely a self service affair? So you put out cereals etc, show him where bread for toast is, and everyone just gets their own?

so?
he's a grown up. Stop being a martyr.

If you want something, ASK. Not everyone is comfortable cooking in somebody else's house, it's a bit awkward to take the initiative.

As a host, you offer food. FOOD. Not a full English!
Cupboard is here, fridge is here, we have bread/ fruits/ cereals, help yourself.
If he doesn't want to eat any of this, then he's not hungry.

I don't know him, but if I was a guest and someone cooked me a hot breakfast, I would eat it to be polite and be grateful. I would HATE it, I can't stand hot breakfast, too much food, too early, don't like the taste. I would never tell you, because I am not a twat, but has he actually DEMANDED you made him one?

(if he has, the answer to him is fuck off)

A proper cooked breakfast. You’re kidding.

anyway, why didn’t you just say, why passively agressively say nothing, then cook him a breakfast then complain on here.

communication is key in a relationship. This isn’t about his behaviour, it’s about yours. Why are you behaving like some sort of dogsbody scared to tell him?

What does he have for breakfast at home? Get a duplicate of that in so he can fend for himself.
If he's got you cooking a full fry for him, and doing all the other catering, he's well on the way to having you run to meet his every need and essentially be his house elf.
It's maybe moving a bit fast for him to be staying regularly, although you had over a week when you didn't see him. I'd slow things down a bit. Maybe do your place, his place alternately. Assuming your dog is welcome at his place?

He probably didn't feel comfortable cooking.

Perhaps you should have said "I feel really rough this morning, do you reckon you could make breakfast today?"

I think it's a moderate red flag. Ok he's not a mind reader and may not have known you'd like him to offer but honestly at that point of knowing each other my now DH would definitely have been saying

"What can I do for you?" In fact he frequently asks me now which is a definite plus in our relationship.

I get what the PPs are saying about you requesting but I don't like the picture which I'm seeing here of him hanging around waiting for you to get yourself up and cook his breakfast.

I'm not saying dump but do press the brake here on getting attached to this man.

Are yiu paying for this food you cook?

Why is that the only thing he eats? Does he expect you to make it and does he make that for himself at home?

He didn't cook because he see's that as your job, you are his new housekeeper.

Do you actually cook a full cooked breakfast for him every day or, say, a bacon sandwich? My son (who is a gym bunny and football fanatic and needs millions of calories) makes himself a bacon sandwich every morning before school. He is 15 and has mastered the art of the frying pan, it's not hard! We only have a full fry-up really if we go out for brunch though. Anyway, as others have said, be careful you're not inadvertently growing yourself a cock lodger - or at least someone who expects you to shoulder all the domestic responsibility. Having said that, given you've just got together, he he probably does feel a bit weird cooking for you in your home, if he also thinks you have a fry-up every morning.

You both sound immature. How old are you? Normally you would just, you know, talk to each other about stuff like feeling sick, making breakfast etc.

You need to ask him to cook breakfast or whatever, OP. He's in your home and will assume that you will plan and cook unless you ask him to do it. It would be better if he noted how ill you were feeling and asked what you needed, but some people are not that imaginative.

Well you've kind of made your bed here. He expects a fry up when he's over? I would take a bet that he doesn't cook that for himself at home (and that it wouldn't be offered if you were to stay over) I think you should go and stay at his for a night and see if this breakfast arrangement is reciprocal. Then decide on a scale of 1 to 10 how much of a cocklodger he is.

More fool you if you’re getting up when you’re feeling crappy to make him a full fry-up when it isn’t something you’d do anyway. Talk about making a rod for your own back!

Did he know you felt unwell? If so I'd expect him to ask what he could do to make you feel better, including tea & toast

Does he cook absolutely fine at his own house though? When I was single breakfast was toast, lunch was a Tesco meal deal (I walked past Tesco everyday to get to the office) and dinner was a ready meal for one.

I now have a massive collection of cookery books and most of the latest kitchen gadgets as when I moved in with DP he expected a proper cooked meal every night. I'm a SAHM so I have the time to cook and I enjoy it now I have a family to cook for.

Maybe he doesn’t know how to cook? Maybe he was too polite to go through your cupboards and find something? If I stay the night at someone else's house I always wait until they get up to see if they had any plans/anything for breakfast, I wouldn't help myself to anything except a cup of coffee.

Did you say "I'm not feeling well, there's a loaf of bread in the kitchen can you make us some toast/cook the bacon and eggs that are in fridge"? And a coffee for me please.

I wouldn’t cook in someone else’s house 2/3 months in to a new relationship. If you felt that awful you should have just said ‘help yourself to cereal or toast this morning, I’m too tired to do a full breakfast’.

Eh? A proper cooked breakfast? You could have asked him to make tea and toast or popped out to the shops for something you could eat straight off.

I now have a massive collection of cookery books and most of the latest kitchen gadgets as when I moved in with DP he expected a proper cooked meal every night. I'm a SAHM so I have the time to cook and I enjoy it now I have a family to cook for

Bloody hell. How did he manage before you turned up? You enjoy it now? Just as well.

3 months is really early on, and from what you've said he doesn't stay at yours very regularly.
At that point it's relatively normal that whoever's house it is will be in charge of meals. It doesn't mean doing all the cooking or buying all the groceries, but taking the lead on what/when/how.

Yes he could have offered but it's not crazy either that he didn't feel comfortable enough, the same way you didn't feel comfortable enough to ask him.

IMO if you know them well enough to stay the night, you should feel able to open the fridge and operate the kettle and toaster.