To be pissed off that he didn’t offer?

[PB96]

I’ve been with new boyfriend around 3 months, known him around 6 and he has been regularly staying around my house for the last 2 months. He has his own place but I have a dog that I don’t like to leave and he lives in a flat whereas I have a house and garden.

He stayed over the other night. We both didn’t sleep all that well for different reasons. He is pretty used to not sleeping very much due to work and was absolutely fine, whereas I have a chronic health condition and if I don’t sleep well, I felt absolutely rotten the next morning (severe headaches, feeling sick, struggle to get out of bed sort of thing).

I do all the cooking for us both, as he doesn’t like doing it but does it absolutely fine for himself at his own house, and I don’t know if he feels 100% comfortable cooking at my house. So we woke up the next morning, and I was really really struggling, it got to around midday and we were both hungry however he didn’t once offer to get up and make breakfast for us both even though he knew how awful I felt, he just waited until I was up and out of bed to cook something (for him too).

AIBU to be pissed off about this and that he could have made the effort as a one-off?

at least the host should have mentioned it a long time ago.

I wouldn't offer to cook a hot breakfast to any man until at least our 5th wedding anniversary😂I am not a housekeeper and many places offer hot breakfast better than mine.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable helping myself and routing about in someone’s kitchen after 12 weeks I feel I’d be over stepping

I mean you're sharing a bed, Op so it's hardly going to be uncomfortable for him to use the kitchen! You should have just asked for some tea and toast. Two adults just lying there hungry without talking about it is ridiculous.

Why couldn’t you both just have cereal or toast? Why didn’t you ask him?

I disagree

3 months can still be pretty casual, and it's taking it a bit too far to make yourself at home. Some people are also very territorial about their kitchen, and very dismissive of things "not done the right way".

I wouldn't open all the bathroom cabinets either, it's rude, even after you slept together.

It's long enough to TALK however!

He is lazy, if you’re comfortable enough with someone to have sex you should be comfortable enough to use their kitchen. Equally, you should be able to say “your turn to cook the eggs”.

You're an adult, why didnt you just ask him to make breakfast.

"What shall we do breakfast" is the question.

Or if neither of you wanted to cook - UberEats!!

Why will he only eat a full cooked breakfast?

Why didn't you say to him you felt unwell and to make something?

It all sounds a bit bizarre to be honest. You haven't known each other that long, however it is long enough you have invited him to stay. I am not sure I would want to go raiding someone's kitchen without permission, but I would also be ok if they said to me about making food.
You say it got to midday and you both felt hungry, why didn't you mention it then? 'Oh you must be feeling hungry, I know I am. Could you please cook today as I am not feeling great?' at that time of day you could have ordered a takeaway lunch if neither of you wanted to cook.

You should've asked. I wouldn't feel comfortable cooking in someone else's house unless they made it clear they wanted me to. I wouldn't want anyone else cooking in my house either.

Together what 16 weeks and you want him to act like hes your husband thats what it sounds like to me.

It amazes me that there are people in relationships, sharing their bed and home, fucking their partners but don't feel comfortable enough to have a very basic conversation with them. How hard is it to say I'm feeling really shit today, do you fancy making us a brekkie or shall we order in? Grow up.

but a quick 5 minutes is different to cooking over a stove a proper hot breakfast which is the only thing he eats when he is here.
😆 of course it's the only thing he eats at yours!
He would be lucky to get cornflakes at mine.

So he's lazy, thoughtless, uncaring and demanding of your labour?

Throw him back, this one isn't a keeper.

Three months is far too early for sulky resentment around who cooks breakfast! It’s your home, you’re the host, you cook. If you’re at the stage where you think he should be supporting your chronic condition then it sounds like you’ve moved the relationship much too quickly. If a man was sulking because his girlfriend of only three months hadn’t read his mind and whipped up a full English, she’d be told it was a red flag and to finish with him pronto!

Sounds like mixed messages here OP . Three months is very new in a relationship and not everyone would be happy having rummaging through a stranger’s fridge and cupboards.

Communication and expectations are key here x

He should have offered I think, but also you should have just asked him.

I think the bigger problem is it's far too early in the relationship for you to be doing ALL the cooking. You say he never cooks for you so why the surprise? I'm not saying it's ok, I don't think you should put up with it, but how did it get so one sided so quickly?

Yes he should have offered, but I always find these sorts of threads where couples seemingly have a total inability to communicate with each other utterly bizarre. Why didn’t you/can’t you say this stuff to him?! ‘Hey boyfriend, I feel like crap so can you make breakfast?’

Exactly this. Especially in a new relationship.

Why on earth would you cook a proper hot breakfast when you weren't feeling well? Surely the solution is toast or cereal if he isn't going to cook.

My advice on your situation is

1. Use your words
2. Start as you mean to continue. Meaning don't do things early on in a relationship that you aren't happy to continue doing. If you behave like his live in chef you are setting up that dynamic for the future and the longer it goes on the harder it is to change.

I wouldn't expect him to cook me a meal but I would ask him to let dog out and grab me some toast. I wouldn't cook anything for him

Does he understand how badly your chronic condition affects you? Does he understand how/when you want to be supported?

My adult DD has had a chronic health condition for years but I still get it wrong with regards knowing when I should offer help, when I should leave her to it, whether she wants me to check if she's ok or whether she wants me to stop asking about it.

And yet I’m sure my husband uses ‘the force’ when he doesn’t know where he’s going as asking for directions would be sensical 😂

You could have made cereal/ toast (whatever you usually eat). If he wants a cooked breakfast he can make his own, doesn’t mean you can’t eat anything.

Er why is it the only type of breakfast he eats at yours?

The default assumption is that the host does the cooking, but you could have asked him to make breakfast.