My partners cousin is obsessed with my baby

[Mummyme12345]

I’m not sure if this is a red flag or I’m being over sensitive here… my OH cousin is obsessed with my daughter. My daughter is 1 YO and is a dream to have… not to brag but she hardly cries and sleeps though the night and in general a happy healthy baby.

she has my LO quite a lot when I am at work or have breaks to see friends and so on.

things have been said recently, such as…”when you die she will be my baby” and “I’m scared to have a baby just in case I don’t love her as much as I love her” aswell as “I don’t want my own baby I want this one”. the worst was “it makes me upset that you are her mum and I’m not”

these comments have been said over the course of a few months. The rest of the family are justifying these comments saying she loves her so much and I should be happy she has someone else who loves her like their own and that the comments are harmless.

Myself and my OH are having her christened next month and she has made comments to family members that she should be a god mum and feels entitled to be so.

she has a lot to say about who has my LO and when… she has recently offered to have her overnight so that nobody else can have her. She’s becoming jealous of mine and my daughter’s relationship and my daughter’s relationship to my friends and family. She gets upset when I allow my friends and family to look after her and will cause drama so that they don’t want to watch my little one because it’s “not worth it the drama that comes with it”

my OH thinks it’s strange behaviour but we are not sure how to go about it.

just some advise please it’s keeping me up at night.

Don’t even respond! In fact, block her. Leave the family to drama themselves into oblivion and ignore it all. Let your DP deal with them and he can stress that this cousin clearly has boundary issues and maybe gently say she needs MH support. She does NOT need access to or information on your child and you absolutely need to be firm at this stage and make your own boundaries.

At this stage you would be unreasonable to leave the child in her care ever again, as you would be encouraging this ridiculous fantasy that your LO is in any way, shape, form or even small part “hers”

Nailed it. She's only your partner's cousin anyway, that's not close family, zero obligations. A

I repeat what I said before- you need to source proper professional childcare.

Also let her know that any further harassment of this nature will result in her not being invited to the christening at all. Christening is for people supporting the parents, not anyone with delusions about them parenting. Anyone who wishes to cause drama in support of these delusions can also stay home.

It’s a happy day with your DP and LO. You don’t need to be distracted or managing tantrums at this cousin seeing someone else sworn in as god parent.

”This is just your hormones”
”DP and I are happy in our joint boundaries”

If a man was behaving like this, people would be saying it's a red flag for potential child abuse.

It's less common in women, but it's far from impossible.

This looks like grooming to me, especially with the weird family backing her up.

Her husband doesn't properly have your back as he's clearly there presenting it as YOU having an issue with the cousin whereas it should be WE - a united front, especially as he appears to be able to see the problem clearly.

I would keep your child away from her.

She wasn’t offered your baby! Your DC isn’t a shared toy or resource to be passed around. You need ( and your DP ) to establish firm boundaries.

Where you are, what you are doing, and who is looking after your DC is NOTHING to do with her. Stop telling her anything, it’s not rude or dishonest, she is the one who is being rude. If you’re not usually so assertive, toughen up. It will get easier, and save you so much stress going forward.

Taking some time with your DC seems like a plan, but get boundaries in place as you go, don’t wait until you need childcare again, or it will continue. You may need similar boundaries with others as they appear to be enabling/encouraging her. She is a CF.

I think you are minimising your DH role in failing to solve this.

OH mentioned to her mum that she’s getting too much but it all gets turned to me being a sensitive sally so I’m a bit stuck
So when you DH talked to his mum about his cousin, somehow your name got mentioned and you got the blame? Why would your DH mention you? Or if his mum mentioned you first, why didn't your DH shut that down and re-focus the conversation on the cousin's behaviour?
And how come you know the detail of this conversation - did DH tell you afterwards that his mum thinks you are being a sensitive sally? Is that helpful?

I get told often that I don’t understand his family or their humour
Is it your DH telling you this?

Basically, your DH does not have your back, he is failing to stand up for you and is instead letting the blame fall on you so that he is off the hook.

She's an oddball, and very much a Red Flag. Don't let her look after the baby again ever...

Edit:Typo.

Anyone who called me dishonest or rude would not be looking after my baby

Please do NOT buy her a puppy!!! Get her one of those plastic babies!

Ignore her messages, grey rock her. Please google grey rock techniques. You need to advocate for your baby and stand up for her. Damn the wider family and what they think. It's not their baby. Once you stop the cousin spending so much time with the baby, you don't have to answer all these questions. She's a 19 year old, you're the adult so you have to be the adult. You have a baby so protect her.

@Mummyme12345 she can message whoever has the baby but she’s the one who will look mad for telling them she should have her? I was going to say let her crack on, but this looks to be a more serious issue ‘with her’ now you’ve mentioned this …

You're going to have to go no contact with your partner's cousin. Block her on your phone. She is fixated on your infant in a very inappropriate way and she's trying to establish a quasi parental relationship where she is a primary caregiver who makes decisions regarding your baby. Look how territorial she is with a baby who is not hers.

She's not a parent. She has no rights to your baby. She does not decide anything with regards to your baby and your partner needs to tell her that and shut down her input. If his family continues to encourage this inappropriate behaviour, they can see you a lot less too.

Your partner needs to step up here. This situation could go south in a really bad way. His cousin is using your baby to meet her needs, not acting in the best interests of your baby.

OP lives in the real world too and wants to protect her daughter - nobody really knows what’s actually going through the cousin’s mind, or how this might escalate. As it stands, her behaviour and comments are really concerning and I can see why OP would want to distance herself.
If it was allowed to continue and came to an extreme conclusion (kidnap/worse), what would you say to OP then?

Do you go through life thinking like this and acting like this just in case the worst possible scenario comes true? What a terrible way to live.

(This is what I’m saying to you, not OP.)

She sounds emotionally unstable and not in a fit place mentally to be alone with a baby.
I'd limit contact and keep it supervised from now on, this isn't sustainable longer term as the baby will start to understand things she's saying as she gets older, aside from potential risks already.
This sounds like worst case it could result in her kidnapping the baby if it escalates.

Is she able to have a child? Does her partner want one? Because I may be totally off base but my first instinct reading that was that she desperately wants a baby but for some reason can't so she is trying to convince herself that she doesn't want one anyway, that her baby cousin is like her baby.

I'd have my cousins kids if anything happened to her and she would take mine without a second thought so is she just meaning that your daughter would have a home with her if, god forbid, you died?

Her comments are weird though and I would have to address them. I'd be gentle but let her know she is making me uncomfortable. And don't eat or drink anything she gives you.

If anything enforces she shouldn't be taking care of a tiny baby.

She's 19 and living with her parents.

@Fruhstuck I also live in the real world. Unlike this cousin of OP’s partner. And in the real world we don’t think it’s good to feed delusion or let unstable, possessive people take our very young LO. In the real world we know that boundaries aren’t just important, they are necessary, and this cousin (who again, is only a young 19 year old girl. Basically still a child herself) needs to learn that she is crossing many and behaving inappropriately.

This cousin is trying to oust OP as parent and make parental decisions ahead of the child's actual parents. She's trying to get overnights with the baby. Her family is supporting this, likely because with such intense focus on OP's baby, they don't have to deal with her or, giving them the benefit of the doubt, they don't realize how unhealthy this is for everyone involved

It's a form of parental alienation. Trying to mess with a parental bond is NOT good for the child in any way. It's harmful and in my country, PA is recognized as a form of child abuse.

It's not good for OP, her child, and to persist in supporting the delusion that cousin has any say in parental decisions regarding this child is very unhealthy for cousin too.

As this is a 19 year old I think she is just immature and is experiencing emotions very strongly. As she doesn't have any adults around her actually teaching her differently but instead pamper her and able this behaviour, you need to deal with her and make her understand she has no right to demand anything. She needs to be told what your expectations are for her if you are to allow her to be around your child. If your partner isn't taking care of this (or throwing you under the bus when he is talking about it) then you need to do it. I wouldn't care what other relatives say about it, you need to stand up for yourself and your child. You are the parents and what you say goes.

…”when you die she will be my baby”

For this alone, she would not be left alone with my baby.

Your partner is spineless and needs to stop the nasty, bullying, gaslighting comments from his family.

It is not the hormones talking. Whoever said that should be immediately set straight.

Cease all childcare. She's deranged or extremely badly behaved. The whole family sound unpleasant.

Do you seriously not think the cousin's behaviour is odd? Really?

What I think is odd is the constant messaging.

All the recipients need to do is mute the bonkers cousin and not reply to her messages. They all seem overly enmeshed with each other.

A lot of this is about changing your own habits.

(You have of course already ended the habit of using her for childcare by now?)

Your phone pings and you see it's a text from her.

Are you in the habit of reading it, answering it, giving her information / ammunition? Which she then uses to attack you?

Next change - Don't read or answer her texts.

Don't answer her calls - straight to voice mail.

Ignore them entirely or look only when it suits you.

Don't leap to answer any of them. You are not a puppet on strings.

And beware the flying monkeys - any other relative looking after her may secretly or casually include the cousin in the visit without your knowledge or permission.

Being your own family and friends back in.

Make your own plans re the godmother, childcare, nursery etc.

Just leave her out of the equation.

Mute her noise. Put her in the corner. She's meaningless.