My partners cousin is obsessed with my baby

[Mummyme12345]

I’m not sure if this is a red flag or I’m being over sensitive here… my OH cousin is obsessed with my daughter. My daughter is 1 YO and is a dream to have… not to brag but she hardly cries and sleeps though the night and in general a happy healthy baby.

she has my LO quite a lot when I am at work or have breaks to see friends and so on.

things have been said recently, such as…”when you die she will be my baby” and “I’m scared to have a baby just in case I don’t love her as much as I love her” aswell as “I don’t want my own baby I want this one”. the worst was “it makes me upset that you are her mum and I’m not”

these comments have been said over the course of a few months. The rest of the family are justifying these comments saying she loves her so much and I should be happy she has someone else who loves her like their own and that the comments are harmless.

Myself and my OH are having her christened next month and she has made comments to family members that she should be a god mum and feels entitled to be so.

she has a lot to say about who has my LO and when… she has recently offered to have her overnight so that nobody else can have her. She’s becoming jealous of mine and my daughter’s relationship and my daughter’s relationship to my friends and family. She gets upset when I allow my friends and family to look after her and will cause drama so that they don’t want to watch my little one because it’s “not worth it the drama that comes with it”

my OH thinks it’s strange behaviour but we are not sure how to go about it.

just some advise please it’s keeping me up at night.

Exactly this!!

Do not leave your baby with this girl ever again. If she asks why she isn’t being used, say she isn’t needed. “No I don’t need a sitter atm”

Avoid going to her house, avoid occasions where you’ll be around her. Just avoid avoid avoid. Create a big distance, this girl needs a very harsh reminder that this is not her baby and she can’t keep playing house like this. She seems to be making an inappropriate bond and the best thing is to remove yourselves from her path.

If anyone starts drama just laugh it off. Call them ridiculous, she isn’t a parent and this isn’t her child, she doesn’t have any visitation rights. Any more drama and you’ll retreat further. Your hormones are fine, the only unstable one seems to be the 19YO child herself who is getting grabby and demanding someone else’s baby.

Who on earth does this cousin think she is? I agree with PP, you need to limit the time she is around your wee one.
How dare she tell members of your combined family that you are being cheeky because another family member has your child?
Everyone in the family needs to get behind you with scripting to make it clear to the cousin that she is out of line. And fast. It there's not a medical reason that she is behaving like this, then she's a spoilt entitled teenager who needs to learn her place in the wider family.

she sounds unhinged!!! that's awful behaviour and needs to stop.

Seriously limit her contact.

When she makes inappropriate comments say 'that's really not an appropriate comment and is quite concerning.'

Why is anyone listening to this teenage fucking lunatic?

Time to be less passive, rise above your H’s horrible family with their pack mentality, they’re not the fucking Mitchells, and stand up for yourself. Show no emotion in reaction to their mob Insanity. Don't let them get to you. Just keep that head case away from your child, pay for proper childcare and keep working.

This bizarre bullying child appears to be ruling your life.

Your DH is a wet lettuce.

His family are ghastly.

Time to step up.

YOU are the mother.

YOU say what goes.

You'd be quite right to stop using her for free childcare and start planning and using professional care.

You do not have to justify, explain or apologise.

You do not have to answer her texts or calls. Stop jumping. Send to voicemail, look at them only occasionally, when it suits you. Wean her off her expectations to immediate response. Grey rock time.

Practice your brief uninformative shut-down responses when challenged about what you're doing, where she is, when information is demanded. Give nothing for her to seize on.

We have made our arrangements.
We have other plans.
We'll be away then.
No thankyou.
No.

And definitely don't say 'sorry'.

I would only have one answer to this and if she or any of them found it rude then so be it, I wouldn't give a shit. That answer would be:

"You seem to need reminding that this is my baby, not yours. I am the parent and I make the decisions, not you. Your behaviour and remarks are inappropriate and overstepping the mark."

Definitely along those lines. Don't bother dropping hints. These people won't read them.

She could be just trying to make you feel good and she isn't that keen on the baby.

Some people feel obliged to ahh and coo over babies as people get really funny when you don't.

I remember a co worker used to show her neice all the time.. photos, videos repeatedly and she'd laugh and coo at it and she kept looking for my reaction and got really offended when I didn't react the way she wanted.

You could avoid the cousin and hopefully she'll get the hint or you could cut her off, you don't have to let her in your house

So she will ask me daily how the baby is and where she is, if I am found lying or not telling her than I’m being dishonest and rude. She will then message who has the baby and say that I am being cheeky because she wasn’t offered her

Why does she message you all the time @Mummyme12345? Why does she have your family's contact details?

The level of communication is way too intense. I agree that muting her is a good idea.

Hard disagree @Ceramiq
She is unhinged. Her obsession with the OP's baby is unhealthy.

So you don't think that the cousin is weird (or completely insane and rude) for contacting other people who are babysitting for OP's baby to tell them that OP was being cheeky for not asking her to look after the baby? This behaviour has led to OP's friends and family refusing to look after the baby as they don't want to be harassed by the cousin.

Falling in love isn't a licence to behave like this.

She doesn't sound well but just handing over your business to a husband whose not really backing you is a ridiculous response. My put yourself in such a vulnerable financial position.

Take a step back and find some balance here before you make a mistake you'll regret. I can guarantee your husband won't want to go back the current arrangement in 9 months, he'll see it as his business by then @Mummyme12345

Are you quite sure these demands are coming from her?

She's 19 and though she has a job she still lives with her parents. She appears immature, possibly lacking a grip on reality.

She also has ... A boyfriend. How old is he? Does he live there?

Who exactly is the interest in your little girl coming from?

Women may do horrifying things to please a man.

Her behaviour is so inappropriate!
She messages you every day- do not reply. You don't have to. If she kicks off- not your problem. If the flying monkeys ie her family get involved - do not reply but forward the messages to your husband as long as he's totally on board.
Never use her again for babysitting nor her family who will probably pass your child to her anyway.
Do not tell her who is looking after your child. It is not her business. If she harasses you by message - block. Tell your family to block her. Explain the situation. This girl has seriously overstepped.
Keep your door locked. The last thing you want is for her to turn up and demand to be let in. If she does turn up, ignore her.
Before all that, I would send one final message telling her that her behaviour is and has been unacceptable and you will not be using her for childcare in the future. It's time to stand up to her

You and your partner both need boundaries...and a backbone.

Why are you letting this teenager get away with this?

This is quite bizarre behaviour

Speak to your husband, if he says it's a you problem and you are being sensitive, tell him clearly & calmly that it is your cousin and her behaviour that is the issue.
Tell him what she has said, repeat that this is not normal to say these things. She is being enabled by her family & your husband so make it clear you expect his support.
Then arrange alternative childcare, only let her see your child when you are there. She needs to have some boundaries in place and fast.
You don't need to explain your childcare details to her, or give details of where you are and what you are doing. This is your child, your life.

Her comments, the more I think about them, and the over involvement in your child's life I think are quite worrying. If reduced contact doesn't stop the comments and the overbearing behaviour, then I would see if this is something she needs outside help with. It might sound dramatic over some 'harmless' comments, but this behaviour sounds obsessive and she may need some support from someone to help her see it isn't healthy - especially if her family don't see an issue and don't or won't speak with her.
.

She's not a stranger so I doubt anything bad will happen.

Hollow laugh .

Op this girl is deluded, having your baby around her so often is only feeding her obsession.

no don't do this its not kind to the puppy

This is weird. You need to draw firm boundaries with her AND with your family. Stop leaving her alone with your baby and don't allow her to provide childcare, and be honest that you think her attachment is unhealthy and not a normal aunty-niece relationship. If your family get involved, tell them that your choices are not up for debate and you don't care to discuss it anymore.

She sounds mental. What sort of drama does she cause when others are planned to look after baby?

She has absolutely no right to see your child, to babysit, or to know where your child is and with whom. Tell her clearly then block all future texts. Same with other family members if they try to intervene. No discussion.
Sadly, although I appreciate that it will cause ructions, she has to be told quite clearly that this behaviour has to stop. She is likely to go into meltdown so the advice of keeping your door locked is good. The worst that can happen if she turns up is that she causes such a disturbance that someone calls the Police. Keep all the texts from her and other family members as proof there is a problem.
I would never let this girl babysit again or be in a situation where she is alone with the baby. I wouldn't let any of her family babysit just in case ' they know better' and leave her alone with the baby.
The girl sounds increasingly unhinged and your primary duty of care
is to your baby not to family members. It may be worth having a chat with a health visitor so that an 'outsider' is aware of the situation.
It won't be easy but has to be dealt with head on.

Hard to believe this has been allowed to become such an issue but the whole family sounds a bit mad so it may have been a boiled frog situation.

Well done for posting, well done for taking feedback on board and making some changes. You know this girl is beyond inappropriate so stop letting her have your baby at all, stop replying to her interrogations and stop engaging with other relatives trying to undermine you, when it comes to mad cousin or anything else around your baby, your parenting and your childcare arrangements.

Wow £68 for a cousin four hours in the evening twice a week is extortionate! No wonder she enjoys it. She is being weird though so I’d find alternative arrangements!

She sounds obsessed and unhinged.

The only way to deal with crazy is to out-crazy them.

"Who the absolute fuck do you think you are Betty? DD is my baby, not yours, you don't have a say in what she does or where she goes, you are not nor will you ever be her parent."

Rest of the family be damned. This is absolutely insane and threatening behaviour.

”when you die she will be my baby”. So she's thought about you dying
while your daughter is still a baby. That's chilling. You should tell her so.