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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Compassionate leave for Miscarriages

179 replies

Hol1st · 16/01/2025 19:25

My employer has refused my request for paid compassionate leave due to a miscarriage at 8 weeks. She was aware of my pregnancy and I only took two days off despite having a sick note for two weeks. Apparently compassionate leave and bereavement leave aren’t to be used under these circumstances and I don’t get paid for sick leave so I’ll lose the wages. I feel so under appreciated and gutted despite all my hard work and value I’ve brought to the company, two days off isn’t approved. AIBU to be upset by this or is it normal practice?
i really really hope the new proposals for paid compassionate leave to be available under these circumstances goes ahead soon

OP posts:
Calamitousness · 16/01/2025 21:49

How you feel about earlymiscarriage is personal. To some, like me, while upset, I understood it wasn’t the loss of a person. Just something I wanted and. Had dreams of the future. I didn’t take sick leave and just went to work. But others will be more emotionally in need of some time to regroup. That’s ok but I do believe at an early stage it’s a sickness absence.
I took time off for my ectopic because I had to. Only a week or so and I felt rubbish. Again it was sickness related. Not a loss of a or baby. Just cells. I know we are all different though so to those saying don’t minimise, it’s not a bereavement for all. It’s crushing and upsetting but it’s different for everyone. We can all feel exactly how we do and that is ok. My partner absolutely never took time off or needed to. His feelings again were sadness and upset but not at the level of bereavement. Not everyone is the same.

Ger1atricMillennial · 16/01/2025 21:52

This is a very interesting debate as it effects a distinct grop in the workforce i.e. everyone gets virus' and expeirences bereavment.

It also affects people differently, some are going to see it as a heavy period, where as some will see it as a loss so it would be hard to legislate. Do we also include leave for termination as well?

yipyipyop · 16/01/2025 21:54

I took 2 days off for an early miscarriage including the surgery. I had a 20 week miscarriage and was off for 5 weeks but that was due to being in hospital for 2 weeks and I was seriously ill. I didn't need compassionate leave for an early miscarriage and would have been back earlier with the second if I wasn't so unwell. Mine was classed as sick leave I think. The later one was very hard on me health wise though

LividNewYear · 16/01/2025 22:05

Absolutely appalled at the lack of compassion in some of these comments.

The loads-of-women-miscarry-stick-a-maxi-pad-on-and get-over-yourself brigade can get utterly fucked.

Good for you, if that's how you want to deal with it.

But as someone who has lost five babies in four pregnancies with varying degrees of horror and hospitalisation, I am utterly disgusted that we can't all agree that a woman going through something horrendous should be at the very least entitled to some fucking paid time away from the office to grieve and recover.

If you were able to crack on then good for fucking you. Don't take any time off if you don't want it, but don't dare tell someone else it's nbd.

One of my miscarriages put me in intensive care and I was off work for a couple of months.

I considered myself "lucky", because it meant nobody could argue with the time off because I'd nearly died. I didn't give a shiny shit about that, I was absolutely mashed up at the loss of my baby. I did work through another miscarriage, under different circumstances, partly because I felt able to and partly because my boss had made it clear she didn't want me to try and have a baby again because of the impact on the business.

A decade later I am not over it.

Longhotsummers · 16/01/2025 22:08

This is awful for you. I had two weeks off, not only as I was so upset but because I lost so much blood and ended up having two transfusions. It was brutal and that took a long time to recover from.

Lollypop267 · 16/01/2025 22:10

UpSkilling · 16/01/2025 19:49

Sorry to hear about it. I had a miscarriage at work many years ago, I was also about that stage, I just popped out of the office, bought some mega pads and went back in to a meeting. Obviously everyone is different, I was upset but there were no allowances for this sort of thing. I'm sorry for your loss but eight weeks is still quite early.

What an unnecessary comment.

AmIwrong1234 · 16/01/2025 22:13

Miscarriage may be common but that makes it no less emotional and hard to loose the thought, hope and attachment you may feel towards a potential baby. A cold is common and people take time off for that.

Starting a family was a huge eye opener to what people expect woman to go through and cope with without looking after themselves mentally and physically.

I was fortunate to be able to take 2 weeks off for two looses. Anyone who goes through miscarriage should be able to take time off if needed.

Neighbours87 · 16/01/2025 22:14

I’m very sorry OP I’ve recently had a loss aswell. I work in local government and was able to take the time of as paid sick leave. I think the fact you’re not entitled to any paid sick leave is the issue here. I would consider looking for a job with a better safety net

OnceUponASausage · 16/01/2025 22:14

BarbaraHoward · 16/01/2025 21:11

A first trimester loss isn't a tragedy. Really sad, really shit yes but not a tragedy.

Referring to someone who has had an early miscarriage as a bereaved parent must be a massive kick in the teeth for anyone who's had to bury their child.

I’m a recurrent miscarriage sufferer, and I know several people who had to bury their children. Some of them work tirelessly now to raise awareness of pregnancy and baby loss. Some of these people haven’t had miscarriages but they recognise it as the same grief. I don’t think you speak for them at all.

Who are you to police someone else’s grief? No one has that right. I wasn’t aware there was a grief hierarchy. So if someone lost their 12 year old son, is their grief more than someone who lost their 6 year old daughter? Please let me know what the thresholds are, especially if we are basing them on age, or pregnancy length.

I’m shocked at how vile some of the comments on this thread are. Utterly devoid of compassion.

Lollypop267 · 16/01/2025 22:16

Calamitousness · 16/01/2025 21:49

How you feel about earlymiscarriage is personal. To some, like me, while upset, I understood it wasn’t the loss of a person. Just something I wanted and. Had dreams of the future. I didn’t take sick leave and just went to work. But others will be more emotionally in need of some time to regroup. That’s ok but I do believe at an early stage it’s a sickness absence.
I took time off for my ectopic because I had to. Only a week or so and I felt rubbish. Again it was sickness related. Not a loss of a or baby. Just cells. I know we are all different though so to those saying don’t minimise, it’s not a bereavement for all. It’s crushing and upsetting but it’s different for everyone. We can all feel exactly how we do and that is ok. My partner absolutely never took time off or needed to. His feelings again were sadness and upset but not at the level of bereavement. Not everyone is the same.

OP obviously doesn't feel it's 'just cells' so why you'd feel the need to say this is baffling. Do you and your partner want a medal or something? Moron.

Butterfly8719 · 16/01/2025 22:19

Lollypop267 · 16/01/2025 22:16

OP obviously doesn't feel it's 'just cells' so why you'd feel the need to say this is baffling. Do you and your partner want a medal or something? Moron.

Totally agree. It’s people like this who are probably in a position of power declining heartbroken women the time to grieve and recover their devastating loss. They can bore off with their maxi pad the lot of them.

Supersimkin7 · 16/01/2025 22:21

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OnceUponASausage · 16/01/2025 22:22

warmcatsofa · 16/01/2025 21:14

I'd estimate that only about 10% of my friends have not suffered a miscarriage. They're extremely common. I've had 3 but would never consider to ask for compassionate leave for it.

So?

InDogweRust · 16/01/2025 22:24

This is horrendous. Some miscarriages can be awful - heavy bleeding, retained placenta etc. One of mine was really traumatic and involved a hospital stay. The question should be quite simple - if you are not fit to be working you should be on paid sick leave. If you spent 48 hours bleeding that heavily out of any other orifice you can be damn sure you wouldn't be expected to work.

OnceUponASausage · 16/01/2025 22:24

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None of my miscarriages were due to faulty embryos. What a disgusting comment.

BlueRobins · 16/01/2025 22:25

A prime example of how some companies think about their workers @Hol1st All the best Op

Butterfly8719 · 16/01/2025 22:26

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I love how your entire comment was based on comparisons and then you signed it off by ‘comparisons aren’t helpful here’. Lol.

InDogweRust · 16/01/2025 22:28

A fortnight off for a hideous heavy period experience seems a bit odd when you get a week in some places after you lose a parent or sibling.
Who were real people you knew and loved all your life. Not a faulty embryo

Having had two of my "faulty embryos" genetically tested they were not "faulty" actually.

If you'd seen the amount of blood you would not use the term "hideous heavy period" either.

OOOtil2025 · 16/01/2025 22:28

I think your company is not very empathetic. Most companies that I have worked in have discretionary paid leave available - the senior management will decide if it’s appropriate to offer and it’s for such circumstances as these - where it’s not necessarily an event covered by the staff handbook but it’s beneficial to the staff member who might be struggling and where unpaid leave would cause a further burden to the colleague. Disgraceful of your company and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. On my team I’d be fighting tooth and nail to get you at least a week of paid leave to adjust.

Butterfly8719 · 16/01/2025 22:29

InDogweRust · 16/01/2025 22:28

A fortnight off for a hideous heavy period experience seems a bit odd when you get a week in some places after you lose a parent or sibling.
Who were real people you knew and loved all your life. Not a faulty embryo

Having had two of my "faulty embryos" genetically tested they were not "faulty" actually.

If you'd seen the amount of blood you would not use the term "hideous heavy period" either.

Sending love ❤️. Sorry we have to read such idiotic comments.

fierybrunette · 16/01/2025 22:29

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

Really shocked at a lot of the comments here. A miscarriage is a loss. If you managed to keep going while having one that is great however many of us need time to physically heal never mind the emotional healing.

I hope you can take time to heal outside of work if time off isn't possible x

JandamiHash · 16/01/2025 22:31

Any decent employer I know would find a way to make this happen. I worked for a public sector organisation that only gave 5 days compassionate leave. When my dad died very suddenly, with me being his next of kin, I needed more than a week off work and my boss registered it as something else. A colleague’s DH died at aged 40 and she got a month off. This is what decent people do. I’d be upset at a boss who dismissed a miscarriage like this

user1471516498 · 16/01/2025 22:31

For years I insisted that my miscarriages were no big deal, just a bad period, it happens all the time so I am being a baby to have any feelings about it whatsoever etc.Looking back, I think subconsciously I think I was hoping that if I said it to myself often enough then I might come to believe it.

OOOtil2025 · 16/01/2025 22:31

@Supersimkin7 what a truly abhorrent thing to say. If you’ve no personal experience of a miscarriage can you not even try and put yourself in someone else’s shoes?

Cremeeggtime · 16/01/2025 22:41

Beekeepingmum · 16/01/2025 21:23

Every one of my friends have lost or will lose a parent. The fact it is common wouldn't make me begrudge them compassionate leave.

Exactly