Compassionate leave for Miscarriages

[Hol1st]

My employer has refused my request for paid compassionate leave due to a miscarriage at 8 weeks. She was aware of my pregnancy and I only took two days off despite having a sick note for two weeks. Apparently compassionate leave and bereavement leave aren’t to be used under these circumstances and I don’t get paid for sick leave so I’ll lose the wages. I feel so under appreciated and gutted despite all my hard work and value I’ve brought to the company, two days off isn’t approved. AIBU to be upset by this or is it normal practice?
i really really hope the new proposals for paid compassionate leave to be available under these circumstances goes ahead soon

When I miscarried at a day under 15 weeks the school where I taught told me to take the week off. I was in hospital the first day then crying at home for a few days. I did offer to go in on the Friday but Head said no come back Monday. I did have some spare lessons prepped at school though. All staff had to have a week's lessons prepped in case of an emergency. Sorry for your loss OP and sorry your employer is not very empathetic.

Sorry for your loss OP. Sorry that your employer is not being supportive. .

But fuck me, some of these responses are vile. OP has just had a loss, try and have a bit of compassion and acknowledge that. Rather than just bang on about how common miscarriages are. Just because it happens to lots of people, doesn't mean it isn't devastating when it happens to you. Just because "it's early" doesn't mean it isn't devastating when it happens to you. A loss at 4 or 40 weeks is still a loss; though they are obviously different, and everyone will process things differently.

There is also the physical side of miscarriage where a lot of people would feel much more comfortable being at home, or need to be at home. I had a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks, and had to wait a week between scans to confirm the missed miscarriage, and then my surgical management did not work fully and I passed further "product of conception" at home a few days later and ended up back in hospital as the pain was excruciating. I couldn't have just popped out to buy some pads and gone back to work in those circumstances. It was fucking painful and messy.

Miscarriage needs to be talked about more openly. The narrative of "it's just a heavy period" is such bullshit.

In my organisation it would go down as sick leave but any pregnancy related sick leave doesn't contribute to ill health process triggers (this includes miscarriage, illness related to IVF treatment etc) , you'd also get full pay. This seems like a good set up to me.

A first trimester loss isn't a tragedy. Really sad, really shit yes but not a tragedy.

Referring to someone who has had an early miscarriage as a bereaved parent must be a massive kick in the teeth for anyone who's had to bury their child.

So sorry for your loss 💐🕊

I know right! It’s so sad. Comparing someone’s loss to a bloody statistic. Also not knowing someone’s background and what they may have gone through in the first place to get pregnant. ‘Oh it’s part of building a family I’m afraid, happens to so many’….umm no, 6 years of trying to then lose my baby is not ‘part of the process’ 🙃

I'd estimate that only about 10% of my friends have not suffered a miscarriage. They're extremely common. I've had 3 but would never consider to ask for compassionate leave for it.

A bereaved parent ?? I've heard it all now.

I think you need to rethink the narrative here. I understand you may be coming from a place of trying to put things into perspective, but I feel your comment is very insensitive. A first trimester loss, no matter how early, can be incredibly painful, and it’s important to acknowledge that grief is valid in all forms!! Comparing it to the loss of an older child isn't the point; it's about recognising the emotional impact someone feels in their OWN experience. A lot of women would appreciate it if we could be more considerate about the way we speak about these sensitive topics.

If you're not well enough to work because of a miscarriage then it's clearly sick leave. Not even remotely comparable to bereavement.

I've had several miscarriages, one very late and used sick leave when required. That's not a judgement on how people feel or how upset they are, just medically factual.

My father also died 2mths ago, I had one week bereavement and 3wks sick leave. I don't believe work was making any judgement on my bereavement, that's just how it is recorded.

OP I'm genuinely sorry you've had this happen to you, believing it's sick leave doesn't change that it's a very sad thing to happen.

I'd approve compassionate leave in my company if requested. For some it is just one of those things for others it is really stressful time. Form an employers perspective I've always seen a few days leave when people need to not be worrying about other things easily pays its left back in employee loyalty. Judge your employer on how they treat you on the bad days.

Referring to someone who has had an early miscarriage as a bereaved parent must be a massive kick in the teeth for anyone who's had to bury their child.

I do agree with this.

It’s absolutely not a “normal” part of the process of starting a family. This really undermines the impact of pregnancy loss. It’s common, yes, & one of the reasons it’s so common is due to societal/cultural attitudes like this which mean that money is not directed into women’s health research, as things like miscarriage are dismissed & viewed as unimportant.

Every one of my friends have lost or will lose a parent. The fact it is common wouldn't make me begrudge them compassionate leave.

With one miscarriage i had to take a week off sick as really unwell with the medication side effects and pain. Managed to work through others. Wouldnt qualify as compassionate leave at my work .

Sorry for your loss. I get it - I had 3 MCs, the first was twins at 13 wks.
However, I do feel that 2 weeks sick leave is about right.

I’m very sorry for your loss.

in my company compassionate leave would have been granted but it would be unpaid. Paid bereavement leave is only 2-3 days, any more is unpaid.

the new rules are

I passed the tissue of my first miscarriage into the toilet at work. I was losing enough blood that it was pooling at the bottom of the bowl, and wouldn't go away when flushed. For literally years afterwards I would come across decisions I'd made at meetings I had attended (and written minutes for, in some cases) that I had absolutely no recollection of.

My second and third miscarriages, I took the sick note and stayed at home.

Just because miscarriages are common doesn't mean they're necessarily compatible with working at the same time.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. I do support this current move to have it recategorised as it doesn't really sit within either definition as it stands.

Honestly I think viewing it as normal (albeit a very shit normal) is more helpful than viewing it as a tragedy. I knew going into TTC how common it is and how many friends and family members had been through miscarriage, and when it was my turn I found it comforting.

Not that any of this is any use to OP.

Sick leave is normal (and sick leave is shit in many workplaces), but it will be pregnancy related which will give a bit more protection than sick leave for other reasons.

after reading some comments, I’m so glad I have a compassionate company with a miscarriage policy and some of you aren’t my boss 🤣 by acknowledging pregnancy loss (no matter how many weeks) as a valid reason for compassionate leave sends a message of empathy and support from employers, showing that they value the emotional well-being of their employees! It’s really as simple as that.

It’s great that that worked for you, but by saying to someone ‘it’s normal’ is really not helpful. I’m sorry, but it’s not and I wouldn’t dream of saying that to someone who has experienced a miscarriage.

It’s a tragedy for those that have had the miscarriage.

Ideally yes you should get leave.

However I do worry about the effect this would have on employers willingness to hire women considering how common miscarriage is. I know they shouldn't discriminate but many many do we can't deny that.

How would we prove we were pregnant? Booking bloods are not done until 8 weeks earliest often later. My last pregnancy I almost missed the window for the "12" week scan as I wasn't booked until 12 weeks. Had I miscarried I wouldn't have been able to prove that was what was happening.

Do we think the fathers should be granted this compassionate leave too or just the women? If the answer is no then that's an argument that it is indeed sick leave because it's the woman's oft that goes through it. If we say yes then maybe forcing men to take it as compassionate leave would mitigate any increase in discrimination and perhaps more would be done about pregnancy health care and helping women who miscarrying for medical reasons.

I think female healthcare needs better support and research. I e had two miscarriages myself and yes it's terrible but I also have endometriosis and other issues and I've had periods that hurt more than my miscarriages. The world doesn't seem to care about what many of us go through every month. If we had full pay for miscarriage we should have full pay for those with horrendous period pain too.

So sorry for your loss. And yes it is a loss, despite the narrative that you should just brush it off, grab some pads and get straight on with it, preferably without ever telling anybody.
I started miscarrying at work, and had to go home an hour early because I was bleeding so heavily. I had one day off after that, (I was a teacher at the time)and came back to a disciplinary. This was before mobile phones,cthe person in charge of absences was on the other site so I reported it to the member of SLT who was available. That apparently wasn't enough.
I was told that because it was my third miscarriage in a year, I should be used to them by now, and should have soldiered on to the end of the day because the correct staff member was not available to report to. Nobody even asked how I was.
This miscarriage was at 11 weeks.

I've had miscarriages at 12, 4 and 13 weeks. The 4 week one was sad and painful. The 12 week one I lost more blood than I thought was possible for a miscarriage that early and I used to burst into tears a lot for 3 months afterwards. The 13 week one I started producing milk afterwards. Of course it's not as bad as someone whose toddler died but it doesn't mean it wasn't awful. When my dad died I didn't have people telling me I should be thankful he wasn't murdered. People should be allowed to be upset about something awful without being told it could have been worse.