Page 34 | Party bag gate part 2 - enter DH stage left

JandamiHash · 2025-01-16T17:51:17+00:00

Original thread [[https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5252894-child-didnt-get-a-party-bag?page=40&reply=141398805 https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5252894-child-didnt-get-a-party-bag?page=40&reply=141398805]] To all the baked potato loving legends out there who followed my original thread, I couldn’t resist sharing what I think is a rather funny update. So I’ve been away for a work conference today and didn’t check my phone til 2pm. Amanda had called me again! And messaged to say “Jandami can you call me please when you get the chance so I can find out what to ask this magician?” I assume she means she wants to find out if I’ll pay for a party bag. So I messaged DH (who is fully invested in the drama) laughing about it. I didn’t reply to her as had to go back in the conference (and still haven’t replied only just got home). Anyway at pick up, DH was standing in the playground waiting for DS and Amanda sidled up to him and said “Excuse me Neil? Is your wife’s phone broken?” (emphasis on the ‘is’ apparently). He just looked at her, said “No” and walked off to wait at the other side of the playground 😂 the best bit is - his name is not Neil! I can only assume she’s either micro dosing with hallucinogenics or is genuinely mad. Nobody normal behaves this way. PS jacket potato with pancetta, cheese, soured cream and chives tonight 🤤

Tandora · 18/01/2025 02:15

MissMoan · 17/01/2025 22:54

BP / Life hack - microwave for 7/8 minutes, then put it in the air-fryer for 20 minutes. The results are exquisite! Much like this thread.

Omg this almost made this thread worth it!!

SouthLondonMum22 · 18/01/2025 02:16

Mumtobabyhavoc · 18/01/2025 02:05

I respect your position. I disagree with the shit parent label, though.

I had a friend, an acquaintance at the time, drove a high-end SUV, lived in a house she and husband built in an expensive area, husband ivy-league educated, pulled in 7 figures a year, ... you get the picture. Friend was gorgeous, smart, own business. Any get together, or when we met weekly for our hobby group, she was usually late. Annoying. But, figured high-end life must be busy. Also, forgetful of plans, etc. I got to know her better and learned: she suffered from significant anxiety which made it difficult for her to commit, respond and show up. Also learned her husband has bi-polar and at least one weekend a month was spent with him in hospital or calling crisis intervention. She was working to keep up appearances though and deal with spouse alone. She also suffered from chronic pain and was iver medicated which was why she was so thin, not exercise, diet, good genes.
So, my point is that you never know what's going in with someone else's house.
I think OP did the right thing when the woman showed up with her kid. I also think there's been far too much glee taken about how to "punish" the other mum. It's a scarlet letter mentality, really.
This thread reeks of mean girl behaviour to the nth degree.

The same applies to OP's house too. OP's son has been in and out of hospital and lives with chronic pain yet some people on this thread expect her to jump when Amanda demands it and run around for her son when she is the one who needs to take responsibility for her mistake.

It isn't ''mean girl'' to be assertive and advise OP to continue to be assertive and take no shit from the mother.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 18/01/2025 02:28

Mumtobabyhavoc · 18/01/2025 02:05

I respect your position. I disagree with the shit parent label, though.

I had a friend, an acquaintance at the time, drove a high-end SUV, lived in a house she and husband built in an expensive area, husband ivy-league educated, pulled in 7 figures a year, ... you get the picture. Friend was gorgeous, smart, own business. Any get together, or when we met weekly for our hobby group, she was usually late. Annoying. But, figured high-end life must be busy. Also, forgetful of plans, etc. I got to know her better and learned: she suffered from significant anxiety which made it difficult for her to commit, respond and show up. Also learned her husband has bi-polar and at least one weekend a month was spent with him in hospital or calling crisis intervention. She was working to keep up appearances though and deal with spouse alone. She also suffered from chronic pain and was iver medicated which was why she was so thin, not exercise, diet, good genes.
So, my point is that you never know what's going in with someone else's house.
I think OP did the right thing when the woman showed up with her kid. I also think there's been far too much glee taken about how to "punish" the other mum. It's a scarlet letter mentality, really.
This thread reeks of mean girl behaviour to the nth degree.

Sorry, I was replying to @DearDenimEagle

Mumtobabyhavoc · 18/01/2025 02:30

SouthLondonMum22 · 18/01/2025 02:16

The same applies to OP's house too. OP's son has been in and out of hospital and lives with chronic pain yet some people on this thread expect her to jump when Amanda demands it and run around for her son when she is the one who needs to take responsibility for her mistake.

It isn't ''mean girl'' to be assertive and advise OP to continue to be assertive and take no shit from the mother.

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Yes, hence my initial post to OP. But, everything else is rather OTT and a waste of energy.

SouthLondonMum22 · 18/01/2025 02:44

Mumtobabyhavoc · 18/01/2025 02:30

Yes, hence my initial post to OP. But, everything else is rather OTT and a waste of energy.

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Holding firm against people like Amanda isn't a waste of energy, it means they don't end up walking all over you. Amanda was OTT and OP reacted accordingly whilst still being kind to her son and making sure he had pizza and his mother could contact the magician.

DreamTheMoors · 18/01/2025 03:58

minipie · 16/01/2025 17:58

😆 maybe there is another mum she’s been pestering whose husband IS called Neil… the plot thickens…

As my granny used to say, “the thot plickens.”

Thebellofstclements · 18/01/2025 04:25

Years ago, when my daughter was party bag age, she invited all the girls in her class to her party. There was one girl she really didn't want to invite (who had been horrid to her since they were toddlers), but we lived in a very small bubble of a community, close knit but often lots of drama, and I could not exclude this child.
I explained it all to my daughter and she accepted the situation.
All the other girls replied yes, but radio silence from this girl's mother. I chased her 3 times, no reply. Didn't turn up on the day.
(Party was fabulous - just at home with games like wink murder and sardines, wonderful bunch of kids)
A year later, once my child had changed schools, I saw a message on the school group from this girl's mother saying her daughter had given out invitations but no one had replied, and asking that they reply.
Non-actions have consequences indeed.

Tandora · 18/01/2025 06:42

Mumtobabyhavoc · 18/01/2025 02:05

I respect your position. I disagree with the shit parent label, though.

I had a friend, an acquaintance at the time, drove a high-end SUV, lived in a house she and husband built in an expensive area, husband ivy-league educated, pulled in 7 figures a year, ... you get the picture. Friend was gorgeous, smart, own business. Any get together, or when we met weekly for our hobby group, she was usually late. Annoying. But, figured high-end life must be busy. Also, forgetful of plans, etc. I got to know her better and learned: she suffered from significant anxiety which made it difficult for her to commit, respond and show up. Also learned her husband has bi-polar and at least one weekend a month was spent with him in hospital or calling crisis intervention. She was working to keep up appearances though and deal with spouse alone. She also suffered from chronic pain and was iver medicated which was why she was so thin, not exercise, diet, good genes.
So, my point is that you never know what's going in with someone else's house.
I think OP did the right thing when the woman showed up with her kid. I also think there's been far too much glee taken about how to "punish" the other mum. It's a scarlet letter mentality, really.
This thread reeks of mean girl behaviour to the nth degree.

here here. It’s a case study in the social psychology of gang bullying this thread. Gross.

kimchisauchio · 18/01/2025 06:44

Tandora · 18/01/2025 06:42

here here. It’s a case study in the social psychology of gang bullying this thread. Gross.

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In real life though, I imagine that it’s the OP that is sidelined and scorned and mumsnet is an outlet

Tandora · 18/01/2025 06:45

kimchisauchio · 18/01/2025 06:44

In real life though, I imagine that it’s the OP that is sidelined and scorned and mumsnet is an outlet

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Why do you imagine that ? Those are by no means the vibes I’m getting

Ticktockk · 18/01/2025 06:49

SouthLondonMum22 · 18/01/2025 02:44

Holding firm against people like Amanda isn't a waste of energy, it means they don't end up walking all over you. Amanda was OTT and OP reacted accordingly whilst still being kind to her son and making sure he had pizza and his mother could contact the magician.

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Well yes, and then coming on Mumsnet and whipping up a storm

Sth08 · 18/01/2025 06:55

JandamiHash · 17/01/2025 08:03

I think you’re spot on. I was raised to “treat people as I’d like to be treated” with no exceptions and honestly it made me the world’s biggest walkover for sooooo long. I used to do my flatmates’ washing at Uni FFS because they asked me to in a “and I’ll cut the grass” way and even though I knew it was ridiculous and not equal chores I said yes 🙄 it culminated in me doing all dishes, cleaning, liaison with landlord etc while they had lie ins and partied. I definitely gave off an air “I’ll do anything for anyone” and CFs sniff you out like a bloodhound.

It wasn’t actually until DS was a baby that I turned it round - he wasn’t settling into nursery at all, he’d cry his eyes out (I think he was maybe 10 or 11 months) and I’d end up leaving drop off holding tears back and figuring out what to say to my horrible boss who, despite it being a flexi time organisation whose core hours were 10-4, would get very pissy if I turned up at 9.05 - “I’ve been here since at 8am!” (You also leave at 4.30) and thought it very annoying that I had kids and that came with problems sometimes. Anyone one day it was a really bad day of DS being dropped off, he was screaming the place down, I’d had no sleep and walked out really quite upset. the then-Amanda of the nursery was putting her older child in her car in the car park and said “Oh Jandami seeing as you don’t have a child about your person could you pop back into nursery and tell them I’ll be picking Alice up 30 minutes early”. I normally would’ve done that but I was so upset and tired I laughed and said no do it yourself. Her face was a picture! I then went in and when my boss moaned I told her that flexi time means the start times can be as late as 10am and I always stay til 5.30pm anyway so I’ll be exercising the freedom it’s supposed to give me. Then when I handed my notice in a week later I told her her anti-work life balance attitude was the reason. It was like an epiphany that I don’t have to take ridiculous orders from anyone and people should be called out.

Mind you I still get the heart thumping when I tell people no or refuse to bow to CFs but it gets easier with time!

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Love this. Good on you, OP.

TheMerryCritic · 18/01/2025 06:55

Frankly I would never rely on RSVP, if I/my child wanted guests at their party I’d check with the ones who hadn’t yet confirmed. Surely that’s obvious? In particular if you’re ordering customised anything (in this case party bags, which everyone knows kids love), make sure you know who’s attending. From your attitude (she didn’t RSVP…shock horror!), I’m guessing she’s the only one who didn’t reply? Or did other, more favoured mothers receive a reminder? If she WAS the only one who didn’t, then at point of ordering pizza and bespoke party bags…you ask her if her son is coming or not? It’s one phone call or just ask the woman herself at the school gates. The kid was being punished for his mother’s oversight. I suspect the OP (and her DS) were not too bothered about whether her son came or not, in which case…don’t be a hypocrite and lay all the blame onto her. And this general assumption that vegan = crank is so outmoded. She was wrong not to offer to pay for a specialised pizza, but tbh I thought pointing out they took it home with them is petty and ridiculous. Did you want to eat the ‘weird’ vegan leftovers yourself OP? Did erm…Neil? (😊). And presumably as you paid for all the others and you invited her son to partake, she assumed you wouldn’t resent getting him a pizza too? Oh and has it occurred to you she may have been calling to get the magicians details in order to source (and pay for) the precious party bag herself? (hopefully complete with the kid’s initials 🙄). Her child has been left out. You said he struggles to make friends. Why not help his mother get him the thing all his friends got at the birthday party, apart from him? People find this so hilarious (and admittedly there have been some funny responses …like the spy, the pizza crust and the parrot 😁) …but I think you’re being petty and and so is your DH. Someone needs to give that poor child a break (or a decent party bag). Leftover cold veggie pizza in a sodden box, …big surprise…is in no way a good substitute for the customised magic party bags all the other kids got. Have some compassion OP instead of laughing at their expense and enable the woman to source one herself …let’s face it, you begrudge the ‘bespoke’ pizza the kid got, but not the bespoke party bags (or regular pizza) the others all got. Clearly you just don’t like the woman, and your DH sounds just as mean as you. She approached him in the playground, where he left her standing after brushing her off? Very appropriate setting for his behaviour.

HollyKnight · 18/01/2025 06:57

@TheMerryCritic Uh oh. Good luck!

kimchisauchio · 18/01/2025 06:59

Tandora · 18/01/2025 06:45

Why do you imagine that ? Those are by no means the vibes I’m getting

Edited

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Presenting oneself as the big I am on mumsnet when in RL… things are very different

kimchisauchio · 18/01/2025 06:59

@TheMerryCritic - brace yourself!

TheMerryCritic · 18/01/2025 07:02

HollyKnight · 18/01/2025 06:57

@TheMerryCritic Uh oh. Good luck!

Is there something I’m not getting here? 🤔🤣 I’m fwikened!!!

TheMerryCritic · 18/01/2025 07:02

kimchisauchio · 18/01/2025 06:59

@TheMerryCritic - brace yourself!

Whoops! The plot thickens? 😳

kimchisauchio · 18/01/2025 07:03

TheMerryCritic · 18/01/2025 07:02

Is there something I’m not getting here? 🤔🤣 I’m fwikened!!!

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OP and the little mumsnet gang of “you go girl” seem to have a lot of time on their hands! Good luck!

Tandora · 18/01/2025 07:04

HollyKnight · 18/01/2025 06:57

@TheMerryCritic Uh oh. Good luck!

Yup this 😆

Sth08 · 18/01/2025 07:05

@TheMerryCritic yes if you don't RSVP to a children's party, you don't turn up. Surely she'd look up the invite message for directions to the venue as you do, see that she didn't RSVP in the thread but she decided to turn up anyway. Of course it's the parents responsibility to RSVP. If you didn't and genuinely missed replying (it happens) then you're humble and apologetic about the situation that you caused. That didn't happen at any point.
OP isn't responsible for this parents actions/lack of actions.

Tandora · 18/01/2025 07:05

kimchisauchio · 18/01/2025 06:59

Presenting oneself as the big I am on mumsnet when in RL… things are very different

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Ahh right yes I see what you mean

kimchisauchio · 18/01/2025 07:05

Why has that daft allotment thread been raised?

TheMerryCritic · 18/01/2025 07:10

kimchisauchio · 18/01/2025 07:03

OP and the little mumsnet gang of “you go girl” seem to have a lot of time on their hands! Good luck!

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♥️

HollyKnight · 18/01/2025 07:10

TheMerryCritic · 18/01/2025 07:02

Is there something I’m not getting here? 🤔🤣 I’m fwikened!!!

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I'll prewarn you. You're about to have a dozen people pile on you to tell you that you are a handmaiden, antifeminist, a wet wipe, a cheeky fucker, the reason why cheeky fuckers exit, an enabler, "making life harder for the rest of us", the cause of all that is wrong in the world, etc. Oh and jealous. Then 4 hours later the OP will respond with something "witty" and people will tell her she should write a book or a script for a TV show. Then something about baked potatoes.