Party bag gate part 2 - enter DH stage left

[JandamiHash]

Original thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5252894-child-didnt-get-a-party-bag?page=40&reply=141398805

To all the baked potato loving legends out there who followed my original thread, I couldn’t resist sharing what I think is a rather funny update.

So I’ve been away for a work conference today and didn’t check my phone til 2pm. Amanda had called me again! And messaged to say “Jandami can you call me please when you get the chance so I can find out what to ask this magician?”

I assume she means she wants to find out if I’ll pay for a party bag. So I messaged DH (who is fully invested in the drama) laughing about it. I didn’t reply to her as had to go back in the conference (and still haven’t replied only just got home).

Anyway at pick up, DH was standing in the playground waiting for DS and Amanda sidled up to him and said “Excuse me Neil? Is your wife’s phone broken?” (emphasis on the ‘is’ apparently). He just looked at her, said “No” and walked off to wait at the other side of the playground 😂 the best bit is - his name is not Neil!

I can only assume she’s either micro dosing with hallucinogenics or is genuinely mad. Nobody normal behaves this way.

PS jacket potato with pancetta, cheese, soured cream and chives tonight 🤤

I agree.

We are not battering women to be kind, but I think we are asking everyone (men included, Neil) to be kind to children.

OP ordered pizza especially for his vegan diet and gave his mother the magicians contact information so she could get a party bag for him.

She was kind to the child.

Yes, I agree it was bad manners of the child's mother but the fact is that the child turned up and was upset not to get a party bag like the other children there. If it was me, I would have ordered one for him after the party because it was a small thing to do which would have made me and him happy. Obviously the vast majority of posters here dont agree. I think that's a pity, personally, but there you go.

Tell you what OP we’ve got this wrong -

Book the magician again next week-end at your house, invite just James; get him a party bag. Make sure there’s plenty of Vegan food.
Sit down with Amanda and a coffee and blow smoke up her arse. Then at least you’ll sleep soundly and be a kind person. Jobs a good’en!

What's the difference between OP ordering the party bag and OP passing along the magician's contact details so the mother could order the party bag?

Why does OP have to order the party bag when it was the mothers mistake? Either way, he gets the party bag.

How many children?.what's the radius of these children? Your own children? Your own children's actual friends? Friends invited to a party whose parents replied? Fine. People who aren't actually your children's friends and didn't bother to reply....?

How kind are we talking for the last type of child? Letting them join in even though they didn't reply or invite you to theirs? OP did this.

Spending extra money on food for this child? OP did this.

Spending a extra £12 on a prospective basis for a personalised bag (so cant be reused) on a child who didn't say they were coming (so presumably arent coming if normal manners apply) and who aren't one of your child's friends? Weird.

I agree with you: your post is very weird indeed.

OMG how bizarre … if she says anything else just say “ oh lord are we still talking about that ? It was AGES ago .. ” and then walk away like “Neil” did …🤣

No. Children who received an invitation, looked at their calendars, had a parent said 'you can go!' and RSVP accordingly were meant to be there. No one else was 'meant to be there'.

Imaginary people don't have to be catered for.

I really can't understand those posters who claim the OP was not being 'kind' in support of Amanda. I am completely on the OP's side in this. Kindness does not equate to being a doormat; anyway the OP was actually kind in ordering a pizza for the child which she had no obligation to do.

And the references to Amanda's child 'suffering' made me scoff. The OP has described the genuine suffering that her DS has gone through which some posters have conveniently brushed aside in attacking her (I don't see a lot of kindness there).

My own DS has gone through real suffering too so I completely identify with OP in this. I have no longer any patience or desire to pander to unreasonable people like this, incl some posters who interpret as 'suffering' situations where they are merely somewhat put out. I am well and truly cured of it, I have also seen how callous some people can be and can't unsee it. Just one little vignette from my DS childhood to illustrate this: at a children's event DS attended a parent complained that their DC had been slightly hurt after tampering with my DS wheelchair and tried to get it (ie him) removed.

Personally speaking I think I am a kind person, but I no longer squander my kindness where it is neither appreciated nor bestows any benefit. And why should the OP have to spend her hard earned money on extra party bags in anticipation of people happy to take the piss. I am personally done with being simultaneously the 'bigger' and the poorer person.

I am sure Inshould be @ someone above here but ….

Thanks! I spent my first 6/7 years of parenting bending over backwards for CFs and I finally reached my limit. I am really accommodating with lifts, sleepovers, around for tea etc but I’m not being guilted by another parent’s brazen rudeness or incompetence. It doesn’t get you anywhere!

Why? The OP was kind to the child. She doesn't have to be over the top with the kindness surely? She's done what was reasonable in the circumstances she faced at the time and in life that is all one can ask for.

You are part of the problem, frankly, then. You encourage people like this cheeky arse mother to continue to act in such a rude, entitled way, without any manners or consideration for others.

Nor was it mine. So why should I have to remedy it?

I agree with this. Good manners means you reply to the invitation wether it’s a yes or a no

When have either me or NotNeil been unkind to children?

"You know I'm not gon' diss you on the Internet
'Cause my Mama taught me better than that"

I've noticed there's a type of mother who thinks that being a good mother is to fight their child's corner but they go about it in a completely deranged way and do so at the detriment of other innocent people just minding their own business.

So Amanda might think that being a pain in the ass on the day and making a fuss about a vegan pizza and the party bag is standing up for her child. When actually they are fighting a tiny short-term battle and losing sight of the bigger picture being that her child will now be known by the parents of his peers as being a pain to ask to parties and won't be asked to any more. But will have a bit of cold pizza. Was it worth it? Only the child will be able to tell us...

The non-RSVP mother has the ability and motivation to fix this situation and mollify her child (because she has the magician’s number and she is the child’s mother so she invested in his happiness).

Why do you think OP is more capable of fixing this? What makes OP’s voice and money more powerful than the child’s mother in securing the party bag?

No, the child was invited. That is not "meant to be there."

Expecting him to be catered for when his own mother couldn't even bother to keep track of the invitation and respond is bonkers.

And for the record, "RSVP" doesn't just mean for acceptance. Whether or not she planned for her child to attend, the woman should have responded to the invitation. To just ignore it is rude, crass and obnoxious.

It's probably something that the OP might have considered herself if the mother had apologised for the inconvenience caused by not RSVPing, offered to sort the pizza out herself and not demanded a bag.

I've just read the OPs posts in the last 2 threads, OP you are great craic and very funny! You sound sensible, practical, and level headed and no space for bs pisstakers. I can't believe people blaming you for anything here! James will figure it all out in the future, not your problem. Your little boy is a lucky fella with you as his mother. P.s. I'm a sucker for a great party bag, I bloody love making them and filling them with unusual things! Yours sounded brilliant!

PeppyGreenFinch
"Why do you think OP is more capable of fixing this? What makes OP’s voice and money more powerful than the child’s mother in securing the party bag?"

Exactly. The CF mother is well off and also turned up to the party with a £2 colouring book. The OP has more than enough to contend with by her little boy's chronic illness.

Boursin topping - 8/10 👍