Party bag gate part 2 - enter DH stage left

[JandamiHash]

Original thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5252894-child-didnt-get-a-party-bag?page=40&reply=141398805

To all the baked potato loving legends out there who followed my original thread, I couldn’t resist sharing what I think is a rather funny update.

So I’ve been away for a work conference today and didn’t check my phone til 2pm. Amanda had called me again! And messaged to say “Jandami can you call me please when you get the chance so I can find out what to ask this magician?”

I assume she means she wants to find out if I’ll pay for a party bag. So I messaged DH (who is fully invested in the drama) laughing about it. I didn’t reply to her as had to go back in the conference (and still haven’t replied only just got home).

Anyway at pick up, DH was standing in the playground waiting for DS and Amanda sidled up to him and said “Excuse me Neil? Is your wife’s phone broken?” (emphasis on the ‘is’ apparently). He just looked at her, said “No” and walked off to wait at the other side of the playground 😂 the best bit is - his name is not Neil!

I can only assume she’s either micro dosing with hallucinogenics or is genuinely mad. Nobody normal behaves this way.

PS jacket potato with pancetta, cheese, soured cream and chives tonight 🤤

@JandamiHash I have dyslexia, dyscalculia, and ADHD and while I have a very demanding job and also freelance which I can just about manage I absolutely drop the ball with life admin like RSVP’s. However I’m upfront it’s a pain for others, I would have messaged and checked it’s okay to come to the party, even though I forgot to RSVP, would have ordered my own extra food, and would have ordered own party bag if my child was upset. You didn’t do anything wrong. I also want to add I don’t think she didn’t rsvp because she is neurodiverse though, just because she’s an arsehole.

Thank you!!

No, I'm not Neil 😎

Nothing to do with your post, but can I just say that your username is one of my favourite books.

Oh, same! It's an absolute corker, isn't it? It's a shame he only produces one new book every 13 years or something.

WHAT???? Whipped Boursin? Is this trickery or a Waitrose thing?

@JandamiHash You are a total Legend!

You had the patience of a saint for the party... you and the saintly man not called Neil were too kind. I hope whoever ate the pizza choked on it... (true character now showing!)

I would suggest that if any further texts are sent, you respond, "That ship has sailed and I now consider this matter closed." But then I am probably not as nice as you...

I feel the same re Donna Tartt. But when they arrive, they're worth it.

I loved the stuff re Harding In it, and felt the illusionist film and the other ones were just rip offs so refused to watch.

And in other news I had a jacket spud with cheese and bacon for lunch, before spending an hour in hold to the taxman while catching up with this thread. Turns out they owe me quite a lot.

Magic party bags for all (apart from Amanda)!

Well yes, yes they are. Perhaps not in so many words, but in dressing it up as the ‘good way’ of approaching the situation, as if it’s a situation that needs to be approached in a way that suits Amanda and her kid. It doesn’t. Amanda’s problem is just that - her problem. It’s on Amanda, the one that actually has a vested interest in a positive outcome for her kid, to sort that out herself. Without involving OP.

OP chose the good way for her. Personally I would have been inclined to go for a more direct and by British standards rude blunt approach, but the only standard of ‘good’ she needed to meet was her own, not mine.

OP was generous by accepting him into the party and buying the pizza. Not offering anything beyond that does not negate that generosity. Similarly if I choose to be generous it’s on my terms, it is not something that I will accept being demanded of me or expected from me. I’ve never found that to be anything other than a positive approach tbh, not least because I don’t find myself having to deal with piss takers.

Women are absolutely held to a different standard. The first time I worked with a man vs a woman I was shocked at how little he felt obligated to bend over backwards for other people, make excuses for them, apologise for correcting them. It's also why we get so many women in unfair relationships, or being made to take responsibility for a man's behaviour.

Power to you, OP. 'Amanda' is a cheeky fucker in the extreme, but hopefully she'll get over her sorry self over the weekend. Unfortunately, tho, I doubt she'll learn anything from this experience.

Well this thread (both of them) have been really interesting.
I'm on the OP's side. She didn't do anything wrong. Her friendly but firm text response was excellent.

What I will observe is that one or two of you 'kind souls' who would have organised a party bag for the lad just to be nice, have shown no respect for the OP, her boundaries, her budget, her personal experience or her inclination to have a different, but still perfectly reasonable, point of view. A couple of posters have tried very hard to make the OP feel guilty and small which I think is shitty and not at all 'nice'.

What we have learned from this thread is that some people order extra party bags and others don't. And so what? As if life isn't hard enough without this bullshit to fret over. No one expects to deal with another mum's disturbance over the matter, particularly when it has come about by her own design.
As soon as that first text landed it was a case of the polite brush off. Of course it was. That is exactly what the OP did...well done.

P.s I wouldn't have bought spares at £12 a pop. I appreciate that some people can afford to but I can't throw tenners into the wind.

What I've learned from this thread is that only people who agree with the OP are allowed to post. Anyone having another point of view,and this is AIBU after all,is jumped on by the OP and her fans.

Well, exactly. It's AIBU. If you comment then you surely expect that you may be responded to? AIBU would be boring otherwise.

You're allowed to post whatever you want. And others are allowed to disagree with you. HTH.

’I’m not allowed to post!’, she posts.

Being butthurt at the fact that people can reply to, and disagree with, you on a forum is not the same thing as not being allowed to post.

Your reply is exactly what I mean.

But pp is correct. Do you expect people not to disagree with you?

Has the world gone mad? In what world is the OP wrong? She has not been unkind to a child at all. Why on earth must children live in a world where they cannot be disappointed or experience some mild upset on occasion? It’s not ideal, but children will be fine if helped by sensible adults around them. That does not mean OP has to bend over backwards to be “kind”- all it needs is a simple explanation to the child as to what has happened and mum apologising. Instead we are running round causing stress and irritation to other people just to avoid a child being briefly upset. Mum is the only one being “unkind” to anyone- in this case to OP and her own child.

OP sent invites, arranged food for those who RSVP’d and also paid for personalised party bags for those children. Quite understandably, she paid for party bags for the children she was expecting. Given they were personalised and a bit more expensive, I think it even more unreasonable to expect her to order spare ones. If a parent brings an “extra child”- either because they forgot to RSVP or a sibling they have decided to bring along without checking if it is ok, I have thought it rather rude of them to do so but unless it is not possible (max no of children in venue or an activity that requires pre-booking, for example), I would allow them to join in. However, if there is no party bag then that’s hard luck and for the parent to manage any upset caused.

I refuse to cater to this nonsense of excusing/allowing poor adult behaviour because of it not being the child’s fault- especially when the “impact” on the child really is minor and does not cause long lasting harm (and yes, missing out on a party bag is disappointing, it should not be serious/significant/traumatising for a child). So while it isn’t the child’s fault, it’s not my fault that their parent is either disorganised or feels entitled to bring an uninvited child I am not expecting. It’s also not my issue to sort out. Maybe if this sort of behaviour just wasn’t accommodated, rather than pandered to for fear of “not being nice”, such parents would think twice about what they do? Either way, even if the child is a bit upset, they can usually be helped to get over any disappointment if there parent acts sensibly in response.

OP was kind enough to allow the child to join in, made mum aware there was no party bag, and once she was aware of the child’s dietary requirements she organised a vegan pizza for the child. What part of that is “unkind”? She supplied the name of the magician if the mum wanted to pay for a party bag. Amanda should have graciously accepted the error was hers, that OP had done her best to accommodate her son, despite her mistake, and dealt with her son’s disappointment sensibly by explaining why it happened. The vast majority of children would have been disappointed but distractable/consolable and moved on quite quickly. If they can’t, unless there is some ND which can lead to concrete thinking, then that is because the parent has either wound them up about it or they have no instilled any sense reality or resilience in their child.

@jacks11
Couldn't have put it better myself.

Yes, and be accused of being mysogynist, anti-feminist, patriarchy-enabling, a doormat, batshit crazy, having no backbone, being a bully and a wet wipe to boot!

Mumsnet at its finest! Entertaining and depressing at the same time.

OMG! Mocha Rita Sport 😋

Do you remember Markies did a similar “after dinner” chocolate bar eons ago? They came in mint and mocha. Like a chunky After Wight and about the size of those tiny Kinder chocolate bars. My GOD they were good!

There's disagreeing and there's being told if you have a different take to 'scroll on by' or that you must be like the fictional Amanda.

I fully expect this post to be deleted after it's reported.

For those who have not experienced the joys of whipped Boursin, it’s called Boursin Velvety.

Philadelphia also do a selection of whipped and flavoured cream cheese. Asda do an Extra Special whipped cream cheese that’s not flavoured but still amazing.