Party bag gate part 2 - enter DH stage left

[JandamiHash]

Original thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5252894-child-didnt-get-a-party-bag?page=40&reply=141398805

To all the baked potato loving legends out there who followed my original thread, I couldn’t resist sharing what I think is a rather funny update.

So I’ve been away for a work conference today and didn’t check my phone til 2pm. Amanda had called me again! And messaged to say “Jandami can you call me please when you get the chance so I can find out what to ask this magician?”

I assume she means she wants to find out if I’ll pay for a party bag. So I messaged DH (who is fully invested in the drama) laughing about it. I didn’t reply to her as had to go back in the conference (and still haven’t replied only just got home).

Anyway at pick up, DH was standing in the playground waiting for DS and Amanda sidled up to him and said “Excuse me Neil? Is your wife’s phone broken?” (emphasis on the ‘is’ apparently). He just looked at her, said “No” and walked off to wait at the other side of the playground 😂 the best bit is - his name is not Neil!

I can only assume she’s either micro dosing with hallucinogenics or is genuinely mad. Nobody normal behaves this way.

PS jacket potato with pancetta, cheese, soured cream and chives tonight 🤤

Why ask 'aibu?' and then be so affronted by those who think you are?

She needs to get a life. Seriously.

I love your turn of phrase and your ability to deal with this insanity (both the party and MN). I am so glad your son had a party he loved after all he's gone through - he sounds like a super kid.
Can I empathise by telling a little story about uninvited guests helping themselves to party favours? Child's 4th b'day teddy bears' picnic party, went with teddies as a little thing to take away & cone of sweets. We had all but one guests RSVP, so bought teddies accordingly. We did have one spare as someone dropped out last minute. Lo and behold, non-RSVP child turned up and was swiftly followed in by older siblings ages 10, 12, 15 who all joined in uninvited. Buffet style food - they all perched on extra seats to one side and they and mum all ate lots. They nabbed party sweet bags as they left (out of a basket) and they teddy-napped 3 bears from the basket! As they left first and party flurry of byes I didn't notice until my older kiddo said we were running out of bears and I realised what happened. I actually chased after them and rescued the bears from the 3 older kids (we had the one spare so allowed it to go with non-RSVP child). People can really suck and they MUST have known we did not have extra teddies for 3x uninvited older kids. I kept party bags tucked out of sight at any party after that!

@JandamiHash ,
I have had vicarious enjoyment from this thread and would have done the same as you. CFs only get away with their behaviour because they are allowed to by others. As I have got older and give even less fucks about others’ rudeness, I call it out more and more and it is always satisfying.

I am ill today, and in bed, if it isn’t too outing, what else has Amanda done?

I’ve enjoyed this thread and the previous one OP.

My best friend is called Amanda, that’s all she has in common with CF Amanda.
Your Neil The Husband sounds cool. I envisage him as a Tommy Shelby type, astute, doesn’t suffer fools easily, and says the minimum.

What would Nessa do?
Amanda and James arrive at your party. “ Hello, we’re not late are we? We’ve got a present for Neil the baby.”
Nessa: “Tidy. Leave it on the table and be on your way.”
Amanda ignores Nessa and grabbing James by the hand marches over towards the Magician.

Nessa steps in front of Amanda: “Where to you go now?”
Amanda looks flustered and starts back tracking.
Nessa squares up to Amanda.
Amanda smiles ingratiatingly, ‘Before we leave could James have a vegan pizza and a party bag at least? “
Nessa: “I’m not going to lie to you Amanda, you piss me off. You didn’t RSVP, you just turned up. Happens I’m in a good mood I am, so order what you want. Get your card out and move closer, I’ve got Bluetooth in my bra.”

I'd have posted the colouring book back through her letter box by now. Passive-aggressively, of course.

I’m very much team @JandamiHash. Because a) you are very funny. And b) you are calling out bullshit.

I am very very triggered by Amanda (🤣) because my former sister in law was one of these. She manipulated people and situations to suit herself and became very VERY cross if people didn’t dance to her tune. Just like your Amanda. She too was very fond of trying to dictate a different communication medium to one you were using.

Amanda - is YOUR phone broken?

I hope your son stays well.

I love this so much!!!

Nessa I hope would charge Franca Manca prices for one soggy vegan Dominoes too I hopes 😃

No I’ve enough to be on with without tending to an allotment 🤣that was explaining some deleted comments

I love it Middlemarch123 !

I hear the crumble stand is very nice but have never tried it! Another lovely winter food

It reinforces the idea that someone else’s problem is something you’re required to solve, for one. It also reinforces to people like Amanda that they’re entitled to get what they want, because god forbid someone not ‘be kind’.
As if ‘being kind’ is something we all should be aspiring to over having a backbone. As if expecting someone to go out of their way to prevent your kid being upset as a result of your actions is ‘being kind’ to the person you’re trying to dump that responsibility on.
Why not, though? Because she doesn’t want to. It’s not her responsibility to assuage any bad feeling Amanda and her child have. It’s simply not her problem, and she is no way required to make it her problem.

No-one has said it's OP's duty to solve the problem. But there is a good way and a bad way to approach things and seeing as how the child was actually invited to the party, why not just make it a good outcome for him by arranging a party bag for him afterwards?

I'm not excusing the behaviour of Amanda. I'm just saying why would you insist on taking a path which whips up more trouble and bad feeling rather than indulging a wee boy and making the party experience a pleasant memory for all concerned?

Doing something generous for someone does not make you a doormat or mean that you don't have a backbone. I personally like doing generous small things for other people - yes, there are occasionally takers but in the grand scheme of things I find that taking a positive approach to people works well and makes life a bit better for all concerned. I wouldn't let anyone take advantage of me in a major way or on an ongoing basis but buying a £12 quid party bag for a child who was actually invited to a party does not fall into either of those categories.

But why aren’t you being nicer to the violent criminals, maybe they’ve had a bad day?

Absolutely baffled at the number of "but think of the poor children" handwringing / grief the OP is getting. Don't understand why some people on here think the OP is somehow responsible for some other person's child.

It seems a pretty frustrating state of affairs the number of people on here (I'm assuming most of them women) who think it's 'unkind' and/or rude to just be polite but firm without falling over yourself going out of your way to make up for someone else's error. Bringing home the times my being direct to someone (polite but firm) in response them actually being outrageously rude, is met with feedback that I'm 'a little short'. Appreciate context is everything so you could have someone complaining of this who just genuinely is rude (I genuinely don't believe I am) but again and again I just think women are held to a different standard and the older I get, the more utterly p'd off with it I am.

I’d have done exactly the same as you OP and have a similar view of parents who behave like Amanda and don’t let their kids build the tiniest shred of resilience.

The pizza situation is just as bad as far as I’m concerned. My DC is allergic to wheat so I always expect to bring him a party tea even if I’ve rsvped. On the occasions (probably 50% of the time) when the hosting family offer to sort him out with a GF pizza or something I make sure I give an extra generous gift and thank them for including him. Now he’s settled into an established group of mates their parents are really kind and accommodating but I never expect it. To ask you to order an extra pizza and then take it home is completely outrageous.

whilst I feel sorry for James, it’s not because he’s down a personalised magic set but because his life will be infinitely harder due to Amanda’s conduct.

I'm not excusing the behaviour of Amanda.

Yet -

I wouldn't let anyone take advantage of me in a major way or on an ongoing basis but buying a £12 quid party bag for a child who was actually invited to a party does not fall into either of those categories.

You say "not excusing" - I say you are enabling.

People like you who think that being "generous" to someone who

1. hasn't the manners to RSVP
2. doesn't invite OP's son to Manus' party and
3. takes food home that was paid for by the OP
4. doesn't text her "thanks" but demands OP sort out her son's party bag "devastation"

are the reason Amanda's survive in this world - and make it so much harder on those of us who have boundaries and stick to them.

Amanda expected a £12 party bag and got a party for her son and free pizza that she not only ate herself but took home - without deigning to RSVP

Men who do this are of course assertive 😡

HOW have you not had Boursin???!!! They also do a whipped one which is deliciously fluffy like a garlicky, herby cloud. Great on a Cornish Wafer.

Creamier texture to feta.

I’m also on Team Not Pandering to CFs. That’s how the b*ggers get away with it constantly. They always take advantage. It is also not women’s responsibility to spend our time worrying about other people’s emotions the whole time.

I dunno, perhaps read one of the gazillion replies on the first thread and this one for the answer ?

OP, I think a lot of these posters are batshit crazy, saying you are unreasonable and should be bending other backwards to sort party bags and food out for unorganised parents. You’ve done nothing wrong!

Corn beef and pineapple on a jacket 🙀🙀🙀🙀

tho I love pineapple on a pizza

but that’s another debate 😂😂

Some of the recent posts are utterly ridiculous (though quite entertaining). I can’t decide whether some people are a) amusing themselves by inventing the most absurd interpretations of the OP’s (perfectly reasonable) actions and outlandish suggestions for what she should have done or b) truly clueless about social interactions. 😀

If Uncle Bryn isn’t the Magician then I’m not coming 😂

Surely that's what his mother should be doing? She made the mistake and OP was kind enough to pass on the magicians contact details.

After his mothers entitled, demanding behaviour it would absolutely be allowing her to walk all over OP and enabling her behaviour if she gave in and bought the party bag. If her son wants it so badly, CF can buy it herself.