Page 23 | Party bag gate part 2 - enter DH stage left

JandamiHash · 2025-01-16T17:51:17+00:00

Original thread [[https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5252894-child-didnt-get-a-party-bag?page=40&reply=141398805 https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5252894-child-didnt-get-a-party-bag?page=40&reply=141398805]] To all the baked potato loving legends out there who followed my original thread, I couldn’t resist sharing what I think is a rather funny update. So I’ve been away for a work conference today and didn’t check my phone til 2pm. Amanda had called me again! And messaged to say “Jandami can you call me please when you get the chance so I can find out what to ask this magician?” I assume she means she wants to find out if I’ll pay for a party bag. So I messaged DH (who is fully invested in the drama) laughing about it. I didn’t reply to her as had to go back in the conference (and still haven’t replied only just got home). Anyway at pick up, DH was standing in the playground waiting for DS and Amanda sidled up to him and said “Excuse me Neil? Is your wife’s phone broken?” (emphasis on the ‘is’ apparently). He just looked at her, said “No” and walked off to wait at the other side of the playground 😂 the best bit is - his name is not Neil! I can only assume she’s either micro dosing with hallucinogenics or is genuinely mad. Nobody normal behaves this way. PS jacket potato with pancetta, cheese, soured cream and chives tonight 🤤

NeedthatFridayfeeling · 17/01/2025 13:35

Any future visits here, Shambles Market is great for street food

BagelandEggs · 17/01/2025 13:36

I love these threads that give you a terrifying insight into people's minds! So weird to hear people defending this incredibly overbearing and entitled woman to the point that you think they behave like this too. Other threads include women defending leaving clothes in a swimming pool cubicle until you're good and ready to get changed and expect it to be left free for you at all times, and the people who think you shouldn't have to say thank you to people who hold doors open for you as it's their lookout and you didn't ask them to do it! These people walk among us every day and certainly don't like it when people treat them the same way!

Original poster

JandamiHash · 17/01/2025 13:37

Tandora · 17/01/2025 11:47

This is a mumsnet post on the AIBU board- literally the context is to invite debate/ feedback on whether your behaviour is unreasonable. So absolutely I’m happy to share my thoughts on that.

But in my real life, no , I don’t go around sending goady , aggressive texts to acquaintances calling them out on their irritating behaviour

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Can you tell me what’s goady or aggressive about this please:

As I said at the party, the bags were personalised and because I didn’t get an RSVP I didn’t get one made for James. Had I got an RSVP I would of course have included him. But don’t feel too bad about it - we all make mistakes and kids have a funny way of making us feel bad! Mum guilt is the worst 😔 The magician may be able to make you a personal bag - he was really accommodating to us I’m sure he’d be able to help you out! They were £12 each but absolutely worth it, and you can pay him via PayPal too which is handy. I’ll forward his contact card.

How would you have responded?

OP posts:

Original poster

JandamiHash · 17/01/2025 13:38

8angle1 · 17/01/2025 11:49

Such a brilliant thread.. a minor incident with a mother being disorganised at best and inconsiderate / rude at worst - not RSVP'ing and than turning up. But then compounded by aggressive entitlement. OP dealt with it calmly and considerately... Amanda heads off down the rabbit hole of entitlement and victimhood.

All a bit of a storm in a tea cup, but an amusing anecdote to share with the internet....

.... initial responses supportive and amusing and then carnage (interspersed with excellent potato ideas!). OP you obviously hate all children that aren't yours, you want to make them experience extreme hardship (lack of party bag!) to toughen them up for the chaos of adult life.... not too tough though
(you are feeble for not having your party out doors, in a frozen puddle and donating the money to charity (obviously not a children's one - you hate them!!))

You obviously should from henceforth provide free child care... party bags and Vegan food to Amanda and all her offspring....

Oh and your DH cares for you and your kids, and stands up for you whilst being respectful but firm - definitely leave him immediately....

Also although i have read all the posts and been amused / interested / angered / incensed (delete as appropriate!) you have replied far too many times... and i will continue to read and reply to you...

I am so sorry your DS has had such a tough time, but it seems like he is incredibly lucky to have you, his Dad and hi DS in his corner

That’s very sweet of you thank you ❤️

OP posts:

SouthLondonMum22 · 17/01/2025 13:38

JandamiHash · 17/01/2025 13:32

Did you think my text was rude?

How do you respond to rude texts?

I haven’t responded beyond one text message and don’t intend to

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It was aggressive too apparently. 😂

SinnerBoy · 17/01/2025 13:40

There was nothing goady, or aggressive about your text, JandamiHash. Posters are just making things up, presumably because they too are Amandas.

bruffin · 17/01/2025 13:41

BagelandEggs · 17/01/2025 13:36

I love these threads that give you a terrifying insight into people's minds! So weird to hear people defending this incredibly overbearing and entitled woman to the point that you think they behave like this too. Other threads include women defending leaving clothes in a swimming pool cubicle until you're good and ready to get changed and expect it to be left free for you at all times, and the people who think you shouldn't have to say thank you to people who hold doors open for you as it's their lookout and you didn't ask them to do it! These people walk among us every day and certainly don't like it when people treat them the same way!

No it dosent , it gives you insight into how gullible people on the Mumsnet are!

Original poster

JandamiHash · 17/01/2025 13:41

Redbushteaforme · 17/01/2025 11:56

Luckily this isn't in Scotland in my sons formative years, Amanda would have been to foxtrot Oscar and told to make up for her own mistake!

Well, I'm in Scotland too and I can't imagine ever telling another parent to foxtrot oscar regardless of how much they might deserve it. Do people really behave this way in real life? If so, it's very sad.

More generally, I still maintain that this is a mean post and that the pile-on is also mean. No-one is saying that 'Amanda' has not behaved badly but why do so many if you think it's up to you to teach someone else a life lesson?

And for those iof you saying that it will help the wee boy learn resilience, what's wrong with being kind to a child even if his mother's behaviour has caused the problem? There was no need to buy extra bags @£12 in advance in case of unexpected kids turning up, but given that the party seems to have been quite an expensive affair and the boy was actually invited, why not just spend the extra £12 afterwards and come out of it looking like a caring person who has done something nice for a child?

Incidentally, am intrigued by the offence caused by the mum taking home the leftover pizza. Yes, it was extremely cheeky not to ask but the pizza was ordered specifically for her son so she was not being completely unreasonable. And, anyway,who wants to eat someone else's leftovers? Would OP really have preferred to bin it? At my kids' parties, I always encourage folk to take spare food home because I hate food waste.

None of the protagonists in this drama over nothing is coming out of it well.

come out of it looking like a caring person who has done something nice for a child?

Or looking like a mug by forking out for someone else’s mistake.

People who tell themselves that they ‘look nicer’ to else everyone are possible kidding themselves. The piss takers don’t know you exist until they want to walk all over you

Incidentally, am intrigued by the offence caused by the mum taking home the leftover pizza. Yes, it was extremely cheeky not to ask but the pizza was ordered specifically for her son so she was not being completely unreasonable.

In my circles you ask before you take something someone else has paid for.

OP posts:

Tandora · 17/01/2025 13:41

JandamiHash · 17/01/2025 13:37

Can you tell me what’s goady or aggressive about this please:

As I said at the party, the bags were personalised and because I didn’t get an RSVP I didn’t get one made for James. Had I got an RSVP I would of course have included him. But don’t feel too bad about it - we all make mistakes and kids have a funny way of making us feel bad! Mum guilt is the worst 😔 The magician may be able to make you a personal bag - he was really accommodating to us I’m sure he’d be able to help you out! They were £12 each but absolutely worth it, and you can pay him via PayPal too which is handy. I’ll forward his contact card.

How would you have responded?

Show quote history

What is goady or aggressive? This:

But don’t feel too bad about it - we all make mistakes and kids have a funny way of making us feel bad! Mum guilt is the worst 😔

Which you well know; as you said yourself - you hoped it was passive aggressive enough. Personally (as I said) I don’t think it was subtle enough to qualify as “passive”, but it certainly was profoundly goady and insincere. The emoji was the cherry on top.

Original poster

JandamiHash · 17/01/2025 13:43

murasaki · 17/01/2025 11:59

I assume NotNeil had a stress free school drop off and she hasn't tried to phone again.

I’m not sure as haven’t heard from him, I’ve been out with friends today while he’s been working but I’m sure he’d have messaged if anything had happened.

OP posts:

Runki · 17/01/2025 13:47

WoolySnail · 17/01/2025 13:21

Your genius knows no bounds 😁

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I thank you (bows). 😊

HelloThere2025 · 17/01/2025 13:48

I just wish you would STOP BEING SO SELFISH @JandamiHash and get to the school gate yourself!!

Don't leave it to NotNeil, I need YOU to go and see Amanda 😁

Nanny0gg · 17/01/2025 13:48

JandamiHash · 16/01/2025 22:24

I thought of another baked potato filling - Thai green curry! With chicken or prawns (or tofu if you are a vegan and hate yourself)

Personally I think that coleslaw is the only filling a JP needs. (with butter, obvs)

WoolySnail · 17/01/2025 13:48

Runki · 17/01/2025 13:47

I thank you (bows). 😊

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Applauds 👏 👏👏👏👏👏👏😊

SouthLondonMum22 · 17/01/2025 13:48

Tandora · 17/01/2025 13:41

What is goady or aggressive? This:

But don’t feel too bad about it - we all make mistakes and kids have a funny way of making us feel bad! Mum guilt is the worst 😔

Which you well know; as you said yourself - you hoped it was passive aggressive enough. Personally (as I said) I don’t think it was subtle enough to qualify as “passive”, but it certainly was profoundly goady and insincere. The emoji was the cherry on top.

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I think OP's response was perfect and not aggressive at all. Offering the magician's contact details was kind, it is more than I would've done.

JustHavinABreak · 17/01/2025 13:51

Can't believe how much I've been glued to this thread.

There's a not so tiny part of me that's evil enough to reply to Amanda with profuse apologies because you've just realised that the pizza Manus had (and she subsequently stole!) wasn't vegan after all 😏

I'd also suggest blocking but then this whole saga would stop and then what will I do for entertainment.

Also you and your DH are absolute legends 👏

BluebellsareBlue · 17/01/2025 13:52

@Redbushteaforme it's dad? Standing up to what is tantamount to bullying, repeatedly calling and texting someone is NOT on, it's borderline harassment. OP made it clear she was no longer engaging. If it was Amanda's husband who was doing all the calling and texting you would be up in arms! It shouldn't change just because Amanda is a woman/mother.

Perhaps the MN sentence should be changed to "fuck off is a full sentence".

Also, please tell me that you're not so obtuse that I would actually have told someone to fuck off, I said foxtrot Oscar, a figure of speech telling someone where to go. If I genuinely would have told her to fuck off I would have typed that!

although I have repeatedly said this to arseholes and people who I have jailed who really do say not nice things to the police and I've also been stabbed and been in numerous fights with them, I imagine you'd break down in tears or just ask them politely not to stab you, I'm sure that approach would have worked brilliantly!

SerafinasGoose · 17/01/2025 13:52

SouthLondonMum22 · 17/01/2025 13:38

It was aggressive too apparently. 😂

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I find that word is often used to put an assertive woman back in her 'box'.

Toomanyemails · 17/01/2025 13:53

She's very on top of timely phone communications now compared to when it was time to RSVP!

Original poster

JandamiHash · 17/01/2025 13:54

Otterparty · 17/01/2025 12:22

We had a party for my daughter I had limited numbers although actually there was a little leeway (but none of the other parents knew that). Did drop off/pick up as was just after restrictions from Covid.

on the day -one of the invited girls was dropped off by her dad who I’ve never met (mum has her most the time) and his friend and another child -they just dropped them at the door and said “on you go” to the girls who ran past me into the hall to the other children and then said as they walked away-see you later…
i was too shocked to say anything. I had never met either adult or this random girl…didn’t even know her name…and nor had my daughter.

we we’re getting drive through and had spare cupcakes (which we were doing instead of party bags) so it only cost us an extra £5/6 but it was the absolute cheek of it that got me!
the men clearly just wanted to have a free couple of hours.

for all they knew I would have had to pay for extra place as well as food etc.

it didn’t help that these two girls were very badly behaved and demanding the whole time.

on saying to my friend after she said -oh you’re not the only one they’ve done that too!
for her friend group now all birthdays at outings when the parents specify multiple times that they’re putting in final numbers and meal plan in advance so that it’s clear there’s no extra space. (I’m sure it’s because of CF father)

it wasn’t the children’s fault but I was too in shock to say “no she can’t come” when they didn’t even ask if it was okay 🙄 if we do a party again I’ll need to be ready!

I certainly wouldn’t have been after the party sorting out a special expensive party bag for a child I hadn’t expected to be there!!! youve given her magicians details I’d leave it at that.

cant believe you weren’t even invited to their sons party and they’re now hounding you about party bag! It’s not even just the cost it’s the extra work load for you-contact magician, order bag, collect bag, give to child- for something that wasn’t your fault!

Honestly the people who display this terrible behaviour should be studied. Absolutely disgusting

OP posts:

SouthLondonMum22 · 17/01/2025 13:54

SerafinasGoose · 17/01/2025 13:52

I find that word is often used to put an assertive woman back in her 'box'.

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I've noticed that too. Women who will stand up for themselves = aggressive.

Nanny0gg · 17/01/2025 13:55

Pinkskiesfreezing · 17/01/2025 06:44

This is such a mean spirited thread. She got it wrong, we all do sometimes but OP you don’t sound very nice either TBH.

I can't believe there are so many sense-of-humour failures on this thread

Loopylouloves · 17/01/2025 13:56

JandamiHash i admire your attitude and aim to be more like you in life.

LouH1981 · 17/01/2025 13:58

Amanda really needs to let this go! 😂
At this point, I feel like scribbling Magnus on a brown paper bag, chucking in a comedy finger with a bandage and a nail and posting it to her myself 😂
Welldone for standing your ground and also great swerve Neil 👍🏻
You have to just call him Neil now 😂

MaryWhitehouseExperienced · 17/01/2025 13:59

JandamiHash · 17/01/2025 13:41

come out of it looking like a caring person who has done something nice for a child?

Or looking like a mug by forking out for someone else’s mistake.

People who tell themselves that they ‘look nicer’ to else everyone are possible kidding themselves. The piss takers don’t know you exist until they want to walk all over you

Incidentally, am intrigued by the offence caused by the mum taking home the leftover pizza. Yes, it was extremely cheeky not to ask but the pizza was ordered specifically for her son so she was not being completely unreasonable.

In my circles you ask before you take something someone else has paid for.

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Is the mistake so important? If she had RSVPd you would have been happy to have given the child a party bag. Leaving the mum out of it for a moment, why wouldn't you be willing to get a party bag for the child who didn't make the mistake themself?