Page 17 | Party bag gate part 2 - enter DH stage left

JandamiHash · 2025-01-16T17:51:17+00:00

Original thread [[https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5252894-child-didnt-get-a-party-bag?page=40&reply=141398805 https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5252894-child-didnt-get-a-party-bag?page=40&reply=141398805]] To all the baked potato loving legends out there who followed my original thread, I couldn’t resist sharing what I think is a rather funny update. So I’ve been away for a work conference today and didn’t check my phone til 2pm. Amanda had called me again! And messaged to say “Jandami can you call me please when you get the chance so I can find out what to ask this magician?” I assume she means she wants to find out if I’ll pay for a party bag. So I messaged DH (who is fully invested in the drama) laughing about it. I didn’t reply to her as had to go back in the conference (and still haven’t replied only just got home). Anyway at pick up, DH was standing in the playground waiting for DS and Amanda sidled up to him and said “Excuse me Neil? Is your wife’s phone broken?” (emphasis on the ‘is’ apparently). He just looked at her, said “No” and walked off to wait at the other side of the playground 😂 the best bit is - his name is not Neil! I can only assume she’s either micro dosing with hallucinogenics or is genuinely mad. Nobody normal behaves this way. PS jacket potato with pancetta, cheese, soured cream and chives tonight 🤤

Waitinggame42023 · 17/01/2025 09:29

Good for you OP, I think your initial handling of CF Amanda was perfect and you refused to engage once it was clear she was doubling down on making her failure your issue.

I'm a longtime people pleaser and new mum and this discussion has inspired me to lower my CF appeasing! You're absolutely right, it's almost always mothers taking on the lion's share of the mental load and we should be in solidarity to make each other's lives easier. Not adding to the work by setting expectations to we'll anticipate and work around the failures of others.

Amanda is rightly receiving a roasting here because didn't just fuck up and disappoint her own son, she has been relentless in her insistence that OP take responsibility. OP is showing us we font have to bend over to these people, that it shouldn't be accepted and that we can push back.

Whilst also providing some comedic relief. Love the G&S inspired username. I also live in the York area and agree the prices are insane!

thepariscrimefiles · 17/01/2025 09:29

MyLadyGreensleeves · 17/01/2025 09:07

When she arrived, I would have said something along the lines of,

'Hello Jane. How nice you could make it. I didn't think you were coming because I hadn't heard from you. It's really good you and Tommy are here now but because I thought you weren't coming, I haven't sorted out a party bag for him.
I'll have a word with the magician and see if something can be sorted out. If not, you might be able to organise something with him later.'

That way, I would have let her know that the fault of the missing party bag was hers but without being bullish about it or making it look as if this was a big drama. She would have got the point and I would have not lowered myself into looking as if I was a person who got wound up over a child's RSVP.

As for the pizza, I would have done what any reasonable person would have done and tried to accommodate the child.

'Thanks for letting me know Tommy is a vegetarian but I had no idea about that. I can make him a cheese sandwich or I can try to order in a vegetarian pizza or you can do it if you want to be sure about what he eats.'

Again, making the point that she was at fault for not letting me know this either but not lowering myself into being the type of person who is thrown off course by having to order an extra pizza.

Regarding your husband's involvement.

My husband is a charming, well mannered, professional and well educated man so it is difficult for me to imagine him becoming embroiled in a row over a child's pizza and party bag.

However, if he had so little to do that he needed to place himself in the centre of a row about a child's party, I Imagine the last thing he would be doing would be contemplating telling Jane to 'fuck off' in the school playground, even if she approached him.

If he did, I would be ashamed not proud. I would also be very wary of anyone who, like your husband, says that they don't care what anyone thinks about them. That may be a recommendation in your world but in mine, it most certainly isn't.

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I'd be wary of someone who, like you, completely ignores the entitled behaviour and bad manners of 'Jane', who:

failed to RSVP but turned up anyway
didn't apologise for not replying
got annoyed that there was no vegan pizza, despite not telling OP that her son had recently become vegan
didn't even thank OP for ordering a vegan pizza and took the leftovers home without asking
complained to OP about the lack of a personalised party bag for her son
kept harassing OP about the party bag and wouldn't take no for an answer
didn't even invite OP's son to her son's party

Luckily, OP is a feisty person who is more annoyed than upset about 'Jane's' entitiled behaviour but lots of people would find the phone calls and messages upsetting. Particularly as 'Jane' is wealthy but expects OP to pay another £12 for a party bag, having turned up with a £2 colouring book as a present for OP's son (who she knows has had a very difficult year with a chronic illness that causes him lots of pain).

Your deleted message to OP was so disgusting and your moral compass is so off that I am taking your eulogy about your husband with a whole bucket of salt.

homeserve81 · 17/01/2025 09:30

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

RareLemur · 17/01/2025 09:32

OP has covered all the appropriate steps. She provided vegan food as needed. She couldn't have had spare bags because they were expensive and personalised. She gave Amanda the details necessary to procure one for James should she want it.
Surely that's the extent of OP's obligations, what could Amanda possibly need to discuss that isn't trying to guilt or shame OP into arranging and paying for a bag that James missed out on because Amanda of Amanda's mistake?

Damnloginpopup · 17/01/2025 09:32

I love you. You are fantastic. I am absolutely thoroughly entertained. I've read all your responses (best filter to keep track) and am now at the end. My day will be anti-climactic now. Please thank Amanda for provoking so much pleasure inadvertently. Mental entitled twat that she is.

Nb Loads of smaller potatoes cook quicker, give a greater crispy skin ratio and can have multiple toppings without being a mixture. They are perfect to eat in freezing play parks too with Scandinavian toppings like rotten herring, beetroot and dill. If you want to go full scandimental.

Zone2NorthLondon · 17/01/2025 09:33

Imisschampagne · 17/01/2025 09:11

Dramatic much, eh? This is not a Shakespearian play and OP is not Lady Macbeth. I think you’re confusing ploy with reality here.

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And I think you’re purposefully being combative and contrary , just because
It was a risible reply from @MyLadyGreensleeves which was dripping with drama and hyperbole
Laminated? Hell yes. It’s a screamer of a put down. Laugh out loud funny

Projectme · 17/01/2025 09:34

This CF sounds just like an old friend of mine. She'd pull a stunt like this and would be like a dog with a bone over it. PITA.

I'm gutted to have missed the recent deleted posts.

If the deleted posts were created by the actual CF, surely she could see from this and the previous thread that her behaviour was wrong. She's going to bring her DS up in exactly the same entitled way and wonder why he has no friends...

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 17/01/2025 09:36

Can i recommend tons of butter, black pepper and cheese and onion sandwich filler as a jacket potato topping?

Chicken tikka sandwich filler also delicious just goes less ooey gooey then the cheese

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 17/01/2025 09:37

I bet his dm is the type to flounce when Costa don't have unicorn milk for her latte....

Phthia · 17/01/2025 09:37

MyLadyGreensleeves · 17/01/2025 09:07

When she arrived, I would have said something along the lines of,

'Hello Jane. How nice you could make it. I didn't think you were coming because I hadn't heard from you. It's really good you and Tommy are here now but because I thought you weren't coming, I haven't sorted out a party bag for him.
I'll have a word with the magician and see if something can be sorted out. If not, you might be able to organise something with him later.'

That way, I would have let her know that the fault of the missing party bag was hers but without being bullish about it or making it look as if this was a big drama. She would have got the point and I would have not lowered myself into looking as if I was a person who got wound up over a child's RSVP.

As for the pizza, I would have done what any reasonable person would have done and tried to accommodate the child.

'Thanks for letting me know Tommy is a vegetarian but I had no idea about that. I can make him a cheese sandwich or I can try to order in a vegetarian pizza or you can do it if you want to be sure about what he eats.'

Again, making the point that she was at fault for not letting me know this either but not lowering myself into being the type of person who is thrown off course by having to order an extra pizza.

Regarding your husband's involvement.

My husband is a charming, well mannered, professional and well educated man so it is difficult for me to imagine him becoming embroiled in a row over a child's pizza and party bag.

However, if he had so little to do that he needed to place himself in the centre of a row about a child's party, I Imagine the last thing he would be doing would be contemplating telling Jane to 'fuck off' in the school playground, even if she approached him.

If he did, I would be ashamed not proud. I would also be very wary of anyone who, like your husband, says that they don't care what anyone thinks about them. That may be a recommendation in your world but in mine, it most certainly isn't.

Show quote history

It's hilarious that you're telling OP off about her manners whilst having written a post so offensive that MN deleted it.

What you say OP should have done really isn't far from what she did. She treated Amanda and her child perfectly politely at the party, ordered a vegan pizza without making any sort of issue of it, and left them to it. The issue is Amanda's behaviour subsequently. Do you really think OP should have rolled over and accepted it?

Partybagprick · 17/01/2025 09:41

jazzybelle · 17/01/2025 01:15

He's a small child and he was upset. The party mum said so herself. Why do grown women cause such a fuss over such a small incident? My sympathies lie with the boy. His mother was remiss in not sending an RSVP and the party mum was silly as she affronted because she had to buy another pizza. 🙄

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He's not "suffering". He's envious. He'll be envious a lot in his life about things other people have that he doesn't, that for one reason or other neither his parents nor he can provide for himself. That's life.

DrBlackbird · 17/01/2025 09:41

Amanda sidled up to him and said “Excuse me Neil? Is your wife’s phone broken?” (emphasis on the ‘is’ apparently). He just looked at her, said “No” and walked off to wait at the other side of the playground 😂 the best bit is - his name is not Neil!

Now this kind of behaviour is exactly what a family member would do. Ask half the question they really want to ask. Pause and then look at you waiting for you to do the expected. In this case, you’d do the expected thing by replying ’no, why do you ask’ thus giving them/the CF the opening they wanted. In her case, to then rant about the party bag. ‘Neil’ was brilliant in answering the question asked and no more.

We all need to find our inner Neil. Indeed, our inner @JandamiHash because women’s social conditioning to be nice and constantly accommodating is not helping our DDs one bit.

Katesboots · 17/01/2025 09:42

Oh my goodness some people have no shame. 'Amanda' turned up with her son to your son's party without an RSVP. You made her son welcome, ordered him a vegan pizza and explained there was no party bag due to 'Amanda' not replying - all very reasonable on your behalf! But this wasn't enough for 'Amanda' she then messaged you to blame you for her son being upset he hadn't got a party bag and expects you to order and pay for one! Honestly the entitlement of 'Amanda' If I was her I'd be apologising to my son for forgetting to RSVP and explaining to him how kind it was of you to welcome him to the party and make sure he got a pizza. I would have probably stopped off at a store on the way home with and let him choose something in lieu of a party bag and to ease my guilt of forgetting to RSVP or order the party bag from the magician! I would not be laying this on you OP. And I would have offered to pay for the pizza!

Bollindger · 17/01/2025 09:43

Long time people pleaser here.
I think your doing so well.
Amanda was 100% at fault here.
There is a way to stump her.
It is actually meant for abusive relationships but I use it all the time...
You agree with her. The say but, however anything like that and add your piece.
Wait and see what she says.
The just answer like this.

Yes I can see how xxx happened however by not RSVPing you created this .
Her. But James is still sad.
You . Yes a child being sad might be upsetting, but I am sure you won't forget next time.
Her are you avoiding my calls?
You. Yes , I was as I sent you the information and decided there was nothing productive I could add .
Her . Your nasty.
Look her in the eyes, go from one eye to the other as if your looking for an answer.
Then change the subject.
I wonder how much longer till class let's out?

Partylikeits1985 · 17/01/2025 09:44

Imisschampagne · 17/01/2025 09:11

Dramatic much, eh? This is not a Shakespearian play and OP is not Lady Macbeth. I think you’re confusing ploy with reality here.

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Irony

iwillfollowyou · 17/01/2025 09:44

You were right, it's rude to show up at an event that is RSVP without RSVPing. The likelihood is she wanted to see how they felt on the day or if she got a better offer.

If it had been a per person event at full capacity she would have had to be turned away. Because it wasn't you let them in because her son would have been upset if not. You arranged food because again her son would have been impacted. She appreciated none of that and then took food home, again rude and was not only put out about the party bag but followed it up!

I would have been more curt than yourself, I would have sent the magician contact details and said this is where I got them from, if you want to buy one.

itsallbullshit · 17/01/2025 09:44

I’m more bothered about the fact you’ve never tried Boursin tbh. It’s absolute garlicky joy.

Alondra · 17/01/2025 09:44

The OP has always been right not pandering to a cheeky mum unable to be organised to accept an invitation for her son, while expecting a personalised party bag.

The thread however should have ended when she contacted the cheeky mother. Everything else, including this second thread, is just entertainment value.

friendlycat · 17/01/2025 09:45

At the time OP (party mum) behaved in a completely suitable and welcoming manner.

She graciously hosted James, rectified the no vegan food offering by ordering in a special pizza

Watched as Amanda enjoyed the pizza with her son, made no comment when Amanda boxed up the remains of the pizza and took it home with her, but just happened to not have a personalised party bag for James as she didn't know that he was coming.

James enjoyed his magic show, birthday party and special pizza.

Amanda who did not have the manners to RSVP, turned up with a pretty poor gift, took home pizza leftovers, then continued to harrass OP over lack of party bag for her son well after the event had finished.

I think it's quite clear who has manners and who does not.

SomebodyElsesName · 17/01/2025 09:45

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 17/01/2025 09:36

Can i recommend tons of butter, black pepper and cheese and onion sandwich filler as a jacket potato topping?

Chicken tikka sandwich filler also delicious just goes less ooey gooey then the cheese

Ok, I'm obviously missing something here. Is sandwich filler an actual thing you can buy? Pre-prepped? Or what?

To me, cheese and onion sandwich filler is cheese and onion. In a sandwich. But I assume you mean a mix, maybe with mayonnaise, like you'd get in a garage or supermarked packet sasandwich?

SomebodyElsesName · 17/01/2025 09:46

OP, you're an inspiration!

Katesboots · 17/01/2025 09:47

To add to my previous post I would not have ordered extra party bags and wouldn't be paying for James' one either so I'm with you on this OP. None of this should have carried on after the party finished. You did a lovely thing for your DS after a horrible year and Amanda has made it all about her

MyNameIsX · 17/01/2025 09:48

Sooooooo many deleted posts.

Can someone please précis them (without getting banned….)

😀

Hoppingabout · 17/01/2025 09:48

Read both your threads and I'm completely with you OP. These sorts of deranged CF are sent to either try and upset us or give us amusement and joy and you just need to decide which. She's certainly given me much amusement today. Please keep us updated.

UrsulasHerbBag · 17/01/2025 09:50

I have also thoroughly enjoyed this thread and its predecessor. All of this could have been avoided if you had just chucked the kids in a freezing puddle and given them a jacket potato. I am flabbergasted at the posts attacking you. Lots of people are still very uncomfortable with women saying no and it is something we should do more often. I really hope your DS has a better year.

My CF party story is the dad that took a full tray of donuts (for a party game) home with him because his DD really liked them. Just picked them up and was in the car park before I picked my jaw off the ground and went and got them back.