At my wits end, school run

[JellyBeann97]

My DD is Y1, she is 5. she has always been grumpy whilst coming out of school and takes this out on me. But this last week has escalated. She runs off, climbs trees, throws herself on the muddy grass, won’t walk to the car, throws herself down again and kicks her legs and has meltdowns, cry’s over what seems like nothing, whinging, hits out at me, throws her scarf, hat, book bag etc on the grass. I keep trying to speak to her and nothing is apparently happening at school, she’s ok when we get back home. Not sure if it’s an attention thing but I just don’t know what to do, I see all the other children just walking to the car and getting in, going home. She’s strong and kicks out if I try and get her to the floor, she won’t let me hold her hand in case she runs off and she is so quick

Id ask school if you can collect from the office, and read a book before you go home. Take the wind out of her sails, remove the audience.

Have you spoken to her teacher and asked if she's ok whilst there? Does she do this when someone else picks her up?
I'd try and do something to distract her from this, or try a reward chart, walk home well everyday and Friday you get a treat.

Sounds like she's getting overwhelmed in school and letting out all her feelings when she sees you.
I always found taking a snack helped, hanger is real! But also the snack is a distraction

Are you sure she's happy at school? She sounds overwhelmed and like she's struggling to decompress.

I'd check with the teachers that there isnt something else going on, hiding being bullied, or struggling to keep up.

One of mine was like this. The rest were fine, once you know there's nothing wrong in school then I would probably put it down to tiredness. I use to bring her scooter to school, she loved her scooter and the minute she seen it she'd be more focused on that and forget to be so wild . There were days if I was driving that I would bring a nice drink and snack and I'd play her favourite songs in the car. I Found asking questions made her more angry, she just wasn't a talker, although now in her 20s she'd talk the hind legs off a donkey.

Turn up with food!!!!
Don’t rush her off to the car, go really slowly, or even sit somewhere if you can. ( I used to sit mine on the school wall.) Dont ask how she is or how her day went….. just give her her favourite food and a big cuddle, and wait……. She’ll reset in her own time. It might take 10 minutes, but it’s worth it for the peace.

Would echo the PP who said get a snack into her but also that she could be decompressing and to speak to the teachers. Is she just over tired? What time is she going to bed/getting up?

DS2 used to be "lively" after school after the strain of behaving all day.

I use to take food and let mine play in the playground for a bit. Unsurprisingly she has since been diagnosed as ND

Yes, agree with this

And I'd also suggest the snack is "to keep you going until tea, as I expect you're hungry", not a reward / punishment. Food should never be linked to behaviour

Definitely take food.
Be very firm. Some things are non negotiable and politeness is one of those.

Get into the car and drive off. She will soon be running after you.

You to food - carbs if possible rather than sugar. I used to take jam sandwiches and then fruit to eat. Helped a lot.

Turn up with snacks for her to immediately pick from.

Talk to her teacher and ask if she's showing any ND signs. IF she's autistic, she could well be masking all day, which is exhausting, and then letting it all 'go' when she sees you at the end of the day.

Food and don’t hurry her or ask her questions. Mine are always starving after certain meals at school as well, it must just be metabolised very fast.

Food at school door and treat in car.

If you walk to car nicely you will get sticker/chose car music/my phone to play with in car/ favourite cuddly waiting for you.

Or tell teacher and collect from office.

School is so very hard for little people - they have to curb their natural zest for life and behave in an unnatural way all day (such a long long time when you are 5) - some of them hold it in but yours lets it out - which is a healthy reaction. School is not "normal" in the sense of according with the human nature of a 5 year old, and the fact that she is able to express her frustration shows a healthy psyche. And shows that she feels safe to show her feelings with you - so well done you. You have clearly done a good job.

Later in the evening, after she is home, fed and settled maybe you could have a quiet chat with her. Tell her that you can see that when she comes out of school she sometimes seems very frustrated and not happy - that you know she is a good girl and that you want to try and make this easier for her. Ask her what might help her. Give her some suggestions: would it help if you had a chance to run round the playground when you first come out; to have a snack; to sit somewhere for a bit before going to the car; to walk/bike home (if this is possible) ......? - asking her puts her in control and after a day of being controlled and bossed about she might appreciate that!

It is important that you do not feel embarrassed and consequently feel tempted to hassle her away - to hell with what people think; you must do right by your child with your head held high. Those parents with the biddable children at pickup will probably have hellish teenagers when the time comes!!

IF she's autistic, she could well be masking all day - all small children, ND or not, are in their own different ways "masking" all day - they are having to behave not like chidlren and it's blooming hard!

Thank you everyone. She did say ‘don’t talk to me’ a few times today when we finally got to the car so I avoided questions. Tbh I have worked out I think she is avoiding going to the toilet when she goes to school, I’m not sure why but she is sometimes scared to use toilets apart from the ones at home and at her grandparents. I have told her she will end up with tummy ache etc but I don’t think she is going whilst at school and she is desperate but won’t tell me this and this is contributing to it I think

If she's embarrassed by people in the next door cubicles I'd ask permission for her to use the disabled loos. I know this isn't the 'right' thing to do, but she's going to give herself health problems

Give her a small snack and some cool water. Maybe let her play in the playground for a bit.

Mine struggled after school and had meltdowns so I always went armed with something crunchy, sweet and cold while we walked home.

This sounds like restraint collapse. Have a Google, there's potentially a few strategies to help that could work for you, generally the jist is to keep things 'low demand', e.g. offer snack/drink with minimal pressure to actually eat it, not much chit chat other than, 'Hello darling, it's lovely to see you let's go home', and perhaps collecting from a quieter place like the office as someone suggested to avoid the general overwhelm of school gates and help you feel calmer too. Fighting to will make it worse, just give them a bit of time, space and peace to decompress. Doesn't need to be anything major happening at school for it to be restraint collapse it's extremely normal for many children to go through periods of this at some stage.

I would approach with a snack in hand! Might that help?!

A Greggs sausage roll or a yum-yum would probably help. Means she's occupied instead of being free to kick, throw things or run off and there's no suggestion in her head that you'll expect her to talk because she's busy eating.

Id ask school if you can collect from the office, and read a book before you go home.

^

Yeah, just what the school need

Instead, let her have her little kick off session then settle once at home with a snack and some down time

She'll soon grow out of it