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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

At my wits end, school run

139 replies

JellyBeann97 · 16/01/2025 15:43

My DD is Y1, she is 5. she has always been grumpy whilst coming out of school and takes this out on me. But this last week has escalated. She runs off, climbs trees, throws herself on the muddy grass, won’t walk to the car, throws herself down again and kicks her legs and has meltdowns, cry’s over what seems like nothing, whinging, hits out at me, throws her scarf, hat, book bag etc on the grass. I keep trying to speak to her and nothing is apparently happening at school, she’s ok when we get back home. Not sure if it’s an attention thing but I just don’t know what to do, I see all the other children just walking to the car and getting in, going home. She’s strong and kicks out if I try and get her to the floor, she won’t let me hold her hand in case she runs off and she is so quick

OP posts:
Dramatic · 16/01/2025 18:08

Definitely take a snack, but I don't know what you mean by her not letting you hold her hand, surely you just hold her hand tight and if she does manage to wriggle away then you lift her to the car.

Crazybaby123 · 16/01/2025 18:09

My son hates school and we have issues going in and out. I find hes hungry and thirsty straight away and bringing a nice snack and drink helps a lot. Also, could try bringing a plushy to pick up or saying the plushy is waiting in the car. Also, we detour via a small park sometimes that helps as a treat and to destress after school.

Sirzy · 16/01/2025 18:09

Blondiebeachbabe · 16/01/2025 17:34

Put toddler reins on her, and make her feel silly. Tell her she will have to wear them until she stops behaving like a little toddler.

Humiliation is hardly going to help tackle whatever is going on!

I have learnt with ds (15 now) that some days I just can’t talk to him on the way home from school. He has been bombarded with so much he has to cope with during the day he can’t cope with any sort of demand on the way home.

Since he was in early primary school he has left school via the office a few minutes before everyone else as the crowds at pick up tip him over the edge.

AlexandrinaH · 16/01/2025 18:10

Notquitegrownup2 · 16/01/2025 16:00

You to food - carbs if possible rather than sugar. I used to take jam sandwiches and then fruit to eat. Helped a lot.

So lots of sugar then 😆

Boooooreddddd · 16/01/2025 18:11

Blondiebeachbabe · 16/01/2025 17:34

Put toddler reins on her, and make her feel silly. Tell her she will have to wear them until she stops behaving like a little toddler.

Do not do this !!

istheheatingonyet · 16/01/2025 18:19

She is, she’s late July born so one of the younger ones

So in year One? doing formal learning?

I wish people would shut up about masking and autism.

Visual timetable to help with days of the week?

Sunshin80 · 16/01/2025 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Rude! Autistic brigade! How dare you.. the comments are for help and advice. If they don't want the replies no matter what they be, then the post shouldn't be created.

ChampagneLassie · 16/01/2025 18:26

Notquitegrownup2 · 16/01/2025 16:00

You to food - carbs if possible rather than sugar. I used to take jam sandwiches and then fruit to eat. Helped a lot.

eh? I don’t think there is anything wrong with a bit of sugar. In fact I’d say a carby sugary snack is perfect after school snack. Something like an oat bar or indeed a jsm sandwich, which is definitely sugar!

coxesorangepippin · 16/01/2025 18:31

How is it rude?!?

The op never even mentioned autism?!

Nanny0gg · 16/01/2025 18:35

JellyBeann97 · 16/01/2025 16:08

Thank you everyone. She did say ‘don’t talk to me’ a few times today when we finally got to the car so I avoided questions. Tbh I have worked out I think she is avoiding going to the toilet when she goes to school, I’m not sure why but she is sometimes scared to use toilets apart from the ones at home and at her grandparents. I have told her she will end up with tummy ache etc but I don’t think she is going whilst at school and she is desperate but won’t tell me this and this is contributing to it I think

You definitely need to speak to the teacher about that.

She might find it too busy at playtimes and is too embarrassed to ask at other times (or not allowed which enrages me)

oakleaffy · 16/01/2025 18:35

littlemissprosseco · 16/01/2025 15:50

Turn up with food!!!!
Don’t rush her off to the car, go really slowly, or even sit somewhere if you can. ( I used to sit mine on the school wall.) Dont ask how she is or how her day went….. just give her her favourite food and a big cuddle, and wait……. She’ll reset in her own time. It might take 10 minutes, but it’s worth it for the peace.

@JellyBeann97 I bet a lot of this is hunger related.

@littlemissprosseco Is spot on...turn up with food.

Kids get ravenously hungry, and hunger means grumpiness a lot of the time- so a ripe banana or sandwich that she can eat right away might well help.

Aglassaday · 16/01/2025 18:37

I was very similar as a child, was because back then the toilet doors weren’t proper lock ones and anyone could see over and I didn’t like the lack of privacy so wouldn’t go to the toilet all day, which resulted in me either having an accident or being overwhelmed or cranky because I hadn’t been to the toilet or had a drink

EndlessTreadmill · 16/01/2025 18:38

Notgivenuphope · 16/01/2025 15:54

Definitely take food.
Be very firm. Some things are non negotiable and politeness is one of those.

This! On no account should she be hitting out at you or running away etc, however she is feeling. And at age 5, she knows that.
I think I am old school but I would be having stern words about that side of things. For the rest, agree, a snack or other distraction might be a good idea.

WeeOrcadian · 16/01/2025 18:39

Is she one of the 'good girls' at school?

DD is and she's utterly overwhelmed by the time home time comes, she needs time where she isn't following rules, listening to questions, etc etc

Snacks are your friend here

And allowing quiet time, it's saved many an afternoon for me

NeverDropYourMooncup · 16/01/2025 18:40

ForRealCat · 16/01/2025 16:50

God forbid a child's welfare stops you from answering the phone!!!

When there are multiple parents in there with infants, younger children, older children, buggies, giant puffa coats/dryrobes swishing and taking up space, demanding to know where Elsie's cardigan is, where's Timmy's club being held, where the Head is because the class teacher looked at Dad a bit funny, I'm stuck behind a broken down bus so can you let Jamie go on with Freya's Mum please, sorry, I've lost the permission slip for the trip to the wildlife pond, my Mummy hasn't come to pick me up, can I have my medicine back, why won't you let me pick up my grandson, he knows who I am, this all the doing of my son's ex you know and my Parentpay login doesn't work, along with the delivery of 32 boxes of A4 paper, pink, light green and baby blue arriving at the same time - the school office at kicking out time is absolutely not a good place for a tired, hungry and irritable 5 year old to be for a cosy sit and story - even if they actually have any chairs in the first place.

She needs to be out, walking, eating, not thinking, not carrying a bookbag, PE kit, cardigan, coat, scarf, hat and gloves and not having further stuff going on around her and in her face/looming over her head (because almost everybody's three and a half foot and eight stone larger than her). No conversation, no questions, nothing to want to escape from.

Mine usually took one look at the crush for the front gate and pegged in exactly the opposite direction towards the field at that age, unless I was carrying food. Then, as the effect of being subjected to six and a half hours of solid auditory and visual noise with added demands upon behaviour and brain faded away, she was able to just put one foot in front of another and eat.

Similar tactics work for dogs, too. Lumps of cheese he had to snuffle from my closed hand were good at encouraging him to come back and calm down for a peaceful stroll home after a big old run & bark around and some training.

User28473 · 16/01/2025 18:42

2 out of 3 of mine were like this. All are neurodiverse, but the two who did this were also summer borns, so I think they were exhausted and following school rules was just so much harder for them. The one who didn't do this had a short phase of it actually, and then I found out he had stopped eating any of his lunch at school, once I switched him to packed lunches the after school meltdowns stopped, so I think it can be triggered by extreme hunger or tiredness.

Some children really struggle with the lack of autonomy they have in school, which can explain why they have constant demands and lose control when they aren't met. So providing an element of choice can help, asking which way they want to walk, which way to drive home, which snack etc.

MumblesParty · 16/01/2025 18:42

My elder child was like this. The thing that worked for me was bringing a couple of biscuits to pick-up and giving them to him as soon as he came out. I think he was tired, overwhelmed, hungry, and just all round exhausted from behaving well all day. A sugary treat seemed to help!

cowgirl42 · 16/01/2025 18:42

It’s not personal. She has had to stay regulated and conform all day which is still very new to her.

You are her safe space and she is releasing all that pent up frustration on you. Both mine were like this. Occasionally mine still do especially towards the end or term. It’s tough!

Usernumber363726382746322 · 16/01/2025 18:43

Speak to the school, they might be able to help. Perhaps by letting her decompress before leaving school, another idea is leaving school 5 minutes early and/or via the main reception so there’s less people around.

I’ve had similar with my oldest. Picking him up from the main reception a few minutes early helped massively!!

User28473 · 16/01/2025 18:45

2 out of 3 of mine were like this. All are neurodiverse, but the two who did this were also summer borns, so I think they were exhausted and following school rules was just so much harder for them. The one who didn't do this had a short phase of it actually, and then I found out he had stopped eating any of his lunch at school, once I switched him to packed lunches the after school meltdowns stopped, so I think it can be triggered by extreme hunger or tiredness.

Some children really struggle with the lack of autonomy they have in school, which can explain why they have constant demands and lose control when they aren't met. So providing an element of choice can help, asking which way they want to walk, which way to drive home, which snack etc.

876543A · 16/01/2025 18:47

My DD definitely gets really angry sometimes after school and then will announce that she needs a poo once home and is in a much better mood after that. She needs plenty of food and drink before she calms down.

Keep conversation to a minimum - bring a banana and a peanut butter sandwich with you. Speak quietly and positively. Sometimes I just start talking nonsense to my daughter - I might start telling her about a Donkey named Steve "...and do you know what he did today? He ate all the carrots in the barn..." anything really to just catch her attention and something she can listen to without being expected to have input / demands upon her. She can just zone out while I'm jabbering about animals to her.

She definitely likes a bit of time alone when we get home. I usually do a big snack or tea straight away, then sometimes she likes to just have the living room to herself to play with her toys and I go and read my book in the other room. They need that space I think.

Behindthethymes · 16/01/2025 18:50

Agree with others re food.
Don’t give too much reaction to misbehaviour. Be chatting with another dm, go wait at the gate /car (wherever is safe) for her. Over a day or two transition from having the snack visible in your hand when she comes out, to digging in your pocket for it as you walk towards the car, to it being in the car.

Definitely no interrogation after school. But heading to bed a half hour early will give you time to hear the whole outpouring then.

Notgivenuphope · 16/01/2025 18:56

EndlessTreadmill · 16/01/2025 18:38

This! On no account should she be hitting out at you or running away etc, however she is feeling. And at age 5, she knows that.
I think I am old school but I would be having stern words about that side of things. For the rest, agree, a snack or other distraction might be a good idea.

This. We say that we are there to talk about anything that may be bothering you but we use our words.

I wouldn’t let my husband come home after a bad day and flounce and treat us all like shit. He has to set an example. I expect no less off the kids

Fridgetapas · 16/01/2025 18:59

Like others have said a small snack and a cool drink might help a lot

istheheatingonyet · 16/01/2025 19:12

If I hadn't been to the toilet, I'd be pretty fed up too.

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