At my wits end, school run

[JellyBeann97]

My DD is Y1, she is 5. she has always been grumpy whilst coming out of school and takes this out on me. But this last week has escalated. She runs off, climbs trees, throws herself on the muddy grass, won’t walk to the car, throws herself down again and kicks her legs and has meltdowns, cry’s over what seems like nothing, whinging, hits out at me, throws her scarf, hat, book bag etc on the grass. I keep trying to speak to her and nothing is apparently happening at school, she’s ok when we get back home. Not sure if it’s an attention thing but I just don’t know what to do, I see all the other children just walking to the car and getting in, going home. She’s strong and kicks out if I try and get her to the floor, she won’t let me hold her hand in case she runs off and she is so quick

My youngest ds used to do this from being about 3/4 and it lasted until they were around 7/8. I think they were masking in school all day long and the tension would come out in meltdowns and temper tantrums as soon as they were on safe grounds. My dc hasn't been diagnosed with anything but is suspected to be on the spectrum albeit mildly. It's hard op and you have my sympathy.

I look at it a bit like an adult getting really stressed after a bad day at work. I would try just talking her to the nearest park. Don't drive, just walk and you don't have to talk either but I feel it will give her time to decompress from the long day. Also giving her a snack or something might also help. For m, I remember my childminder used to bring us all fresh bread rolls and walk us to the park. She would then chat to the other parents and we could roam in the playground or field as we liked. It was a really great way of winding down before we would all go back home for dinner.

🤣

Well yes, a nice mega sugary snack like a yum yum should help her stop bouncing off the walls when she's hyper...

If after checking there has been no upset during her day, and she still continues with what I feel is purely a tantrum, I’d walk away and leave her kicking on the ground.

This is not a tantrum. A tantrum is when a child kicks off to get their own way. This child is not angling to get something - they are expressing genuine distress.

Our job as parents is to be one step ahead, to understand and to head the problem off at the pass, because prevention is better than cure. End of the school day is a trigger point for her - she needs the adults in her life to try and understand why and do what they can to prevent it.

OP I have had EXACTLY the same issue with mine! Except we walk home so I can't even get him into a car!

I've found he's just decompressing and absolutely knackered after school. Like your DC he's doing really well in school so I think he just holds it all together. Your DD not using the loo is another way of that playing out - she's holding it all in - literally. Bless them.

I found these things helped:

• immediately shove snack into his hand and encourage him to eat it - organic oat bar or something with a bit of energy / sugar
• ditto with a smoothie carton
• don't ask any questions just give a hug and then start rambling on about my day and how boring it was without him
• in my rambling casually drop in that I got a surprise / treat at home / I've set up his Lego / letter arrived in the post / new toy at home or even I saw a fox outside our house / next door have a painted their front door a different colour / something silly about home that might focus him on walking home a bit quicker!

I tend to get more info about school at bedtime and after stories I'll ask him to share any worry gremlins, which seems to work.

Good luck! Xxx

Absolutely this! I ALWAYS bring several snacks to hand out to the year 1 and year 3 grandsons and more in the car! I also let them have 10 minutes running around the play ground with their friends (until I see the site manager heading to lock the gates😂) it usually does the trick. The older one is also ADHD so especially in need of decompressing

I agree with the majority here.

It sounds like the coke bottle effect. Fine all day at school on the surface and then anything bubbling under that surface explodes out at the end of the day. There's probably not one reason such as an upset or needing the toilet, it's just a cumulative effect of doing her best at school where there's so much going on and to take in. It's common with neurodivergent children and lots of other very young children.

While there's not a single (simple to solve) reason, hunger and thirst will be a factor. So picking her up with a snack and drink will help loads, at least as a distraction so you can get off and away from the school grounds. Giving her space to 'let it all out' before you try talking and reasoning is best as part of the issue is likely her bottling up feelings of over overwhelm. Over time you'll be able to figure out what might be key factors (such as needing the toilet) and can address them with school. Other factors could be lots of things but might include how feedback on work is given, how instructions or information is given, feeling lost or overwhelmed at playtime, the challenge of sitting still for lots of the day, missing things from home...

The meltdowns are not a behavioural flaw of your daughter's nor a sign you're doing something wrong as a parent. They're simply a not uncommon part of parenting a young child.

It's after school restraint collapse. Definitely offer snacks as soon as they come out.

I mean, humans were not made to sit in a classroom for 6 hours a day.

She likely has been overstimulated and is stressed out with school. Some children find it hard to adapt. Which is perfectly fine. Maybe she'll eventually break and conform, or maybe you'll become enlightened and homeschool or find something more suitable for her needs. Doubtful of the latter though

What an incredibly sad state of affairs. My children were little years ago , before the word went absolutely mad. I still feel so sad about their early years education. I struggled with 2 little ones, the elder one very bright. I thought it would be great when he went to a school seconds away from where we live.
He couldn't cope, poor little thing. Wanted to be with his friend and not in a group. Lay down on a PE mat and went to sleep a few times. Couldn't work out how to open up his snack banana. Dehydrated and miserable.
Sad.

one of mine does this, he's almost certainly ND and is often overwhelmed at the end of a day at school. We fixed the toilet thing by saying that he can have a mini bag of haribo when he gets home if he does a poo at school. He's very honest though and only claims it when he has done a poo, I guess if yours thinks of pretending it won't work.

Protein for the snack!

Snack. My eldest is old enough now to notice for himself, but, when his bloodsugar gets low he gets all of these things - grumpy, tearful, un-cooperative, angry. One satsuma/biscuit/whatever and 5 mins later and he's back to his normal sunny self.

It's almost funny - at least once I figured out the solution it was. The difficulty is, that if it's gone too far, he won't want to eat the snack (due to being grumpy and unco-operative)...

Giving my dd a snack to focus on worked so an apple or banana.

Our DD wouldn't use the toilets at school, from reception,( shes now in Y10 and still doesn't use the toilets at school )
Apparently the reception toilets were getting blocked so the teachers would tell the children to be careful. Shes a sensitive child so to avoid any upset with the teacher she would avoid the toilets altogether.
I would bring a potty to put in the car , she would sit on it and use it, her brothers were not impressed when I picked them up ( teenagers) and would say, mind out for your sisters wee/poo in the potty .
Its a bugbear of mine, why cant the staff flush the toilets as and when, it causes soo much stress for the 4 year olds, they cant concentrate if they need the toilet so behaviour becomes an issue.

i had one like this but he is neurodiverse so holding it in all day then letting it all out when he saw me his main carer this can be common with some ND kids tiring and embarrassing though everyone knew me in my town!!

It’s hard being a summer born - there’s an expectation to behave all day and which is pretty exhausting. Sounds like she’s overtired, over stimulated and probably hungry! Have snack ready in your hand to give her for the walk to the car - will distract her. Try not to worry.

Had this toilet issue with my dc at school. It had stemmed from one day when the loo wasn’t working and they were then too anxious to go. I worked with the teacher on resolving this, I went into the classroom a few times with then and used the loo myself, discussed and rehearsed what to do etc. Teacher actively checked in with them about going to loo also. Took a couple of weeks but was then resolved and they’ve forgotten about it since.

It’s called after school restraint collapse, look it up if unfamiliar with the concept.
What works for us is even 2-3 minutes of connecting with something as simple as a tight hug.
We’ve introduced a Magnesium gummy (we use Novomins) and it’s been a game changer as it helps with brain function, energy and mood.
When she is like that try not to ask questions about school and wait until a bit later after she’s regulated.
A non sugary snack also works wonders for us.
Good luck!

Agree with PPs suggesting possible ND. I know everyone does on MN but sometimes it might be true.

DS was like this all through primary, although diagnosed ASD and ADHD before he started. I know girls are much better at masking or coping while at school, and this often results in the school not seeing the issues while you bear all the flack!

Not saying this is the case, but keep an open mind. The pooing issue is quite a common thing too.

DS would never hold hands, we had so many meltdowns over that. I used to run after him with my hand ready to grab if need be. But my main coping strategy was to keep calm and just repeat the 'rules'. As in "we always do xxx when we finish school don't we? We don't lie in the mud". Etc. Any direct orders or getting cross made things worse.

But DS was one to erupt at school if things upset him, so maybe less stressed at the end of the day. They are all different....

He is now 16 and so lovely. If your DD is on the spectrum you don't need to panic, it often gets much easier with time! Good luck, however things pan out!

It’s a compliment….she feels safe with you to expel her pent up feelings overwhelm from school. Maybe build in a decompression ten mins after school so she can get it out of her system in a way good for you both x

Hungry. My daughter was like this. I started taking a small bar of chocolate and an apple.

Bring a snack, let her play in playground then walk home. I found the walk home amazing as it breaks up school from home and it's physical. Bring a scooter if necessary. However I found the walk home is amazing

I’ve had similar experience. I had two tactics that helped; DD rode bike to and from school which distracted her on the way home. The school had covered bike rack to leave bike during the school day. If we walked to school, I collected her and gave her a biscuit to eat on the way home. This also distracted her and she walked sensibly with me and her sibling. I’m sure you will find a solution and understand how distressing this situation may be.