At my wits end, school run

[JellyBeann97]

My DD is Y1, she is 5. she has always been grumpy whilst coming out of school and takes this out on me. But this last week has escalated. She runs off, climbs trees, throws herself on the muddy grass, won’t walk to the car, throws herself down again and kicks her legs and has meltdowns, cry’s over what seems like nothing, whinging, hits out at me, throws her scarf, hat, book bag etc on the grass. I keep trying to speak to her and nothing is apparently happening at school, she’s ok when we get back home. Not sure if it’s an attention thing but I just don’t know what to do, I see all the other children just walking to the car and getting in, going home. She’s strong and kicks out if I try and get her to the floor, she won’t let me hold her hand in case she runs off and she is so quick

Another vote for food bribes. Keep words to a minimum when they are overwhelmed. Stay calm and offer a cuddle as soon as the meltdown has cooled. We found year 1 a massive step up from reception, maybe that could be the case for your DD.

In this case, there is no issue with the child's welfare. It's a parenting issue (ie working out the right way to parent a tired/overwhelmed child!)

Kids are tired and hangry after school, and parents come along with questions of "how was your day? did you do anything fun? what did you have for lunch? who did you play with?". It's not meant like it, but it's like coming home after a really busy day at work and being bombarded with the third degree about what you've been doing when you just want to throw your bag down, take your bra off and slump on the sofa not thinking about anything for a bit.

Agree with all the people saying thrust a snack and a drink at her immediately. Don't ask unnecessary questions (yet). Go as "low demand" as possible while shepherding her home to chill for a while, or via a park to run around for a bit.

Bring enough food to eat on the way to the car and do not ask her any questions. She will probably be exhausted and hungry.

Grandson was like this first year in Primary.
We took him out and home educate.
Never been like it scince

The "coke bottle effect" is a metaphor that describes how a child with autism or other neurodivergence may experience a meltdown after school. It's a result of pent-up stress and anxiety building up throughout the day.

What happens?
A child appears normal throughout the day, but inside they're bottling up frustrations

When they get home, the pressure is released all at once, causing a meltdown

What can help?
Reduce stress: Try to reduce the amount of stress and anxiety your child experiences throughout the day

Provide sensory breaks: Ask the school for sensory breaks throughout the day

Give a snack: Give your child a crunchy or chewy snack to help release some of the pressure

Communicate: Make sure your child's needs and expectations are clear

Provide down time: Make sure your child has time to relax after school

What can cause the coke bottle effect?

School-related stresses, like falling behind, bullying, or struggling to make friends
Masking their efforts
Limited energy for homework
Difficulty focusing on schoolwork at home

Hangry!
They use a lot of energy at school and don't eat or drink much.
Food first - talk later.

If the school toilet is a problem - would you be allowed to take her there before going home? She'd have your support and the place would become more hers.

One of mine reacted to afterschool chat as if it was hostile-interrogation and would give us nothing but name and number. 🙂

We found it best to ask questions about 'little friend Benji' and or 'very bad Bobbie' and find out about the day that way. Benji and Bobbie had usually done plenty of things that were interesting to talk about. (They inspired me to stay well out of primary school teaching.)

That’s a great idea. She may not be too keen on hanging back too which my temper her behaviour…

Yes, mostly ok when we get home, it might take her ten or twenty minutes but she will be happier after a while. She is, she’s late July born so one of the younger ones

She does take a water bottle into school but I’ve noticed she doesn’t drink much whilst there

I think the toilet thing is part of it but maybe not the full reason. But I just feel everyone staring, I’m trying not to be bothered about what others think. As far as I’m aware, she is ok at school and teachers said she’s fine during the day, has a few friends that she is closer with, quieter member of the class

I was revolting on the walk home from
School, after a year they realised I had really bad glue ear and spent my days frustrated and confused because I couldn’t hear the teachers .

How does she sleep of a night?

My reception child can be awful, if he's had a few bad nights.

Year 1 is a big step up from reception. And we’re just back from the Christmas holidays. Can you tell her if she does it there will be no tv/pudding that night or whatever? I think it’s useful to see if she genuinely cannot control her behaviour or if a consequence makes her reconsider.

I’ve been through the toilet issue with DC1. They were petrified of the school toilets and weren’t going all day. This went on for months until I finally spoke to their teacher after exhausting all of my own tactics to get them to go. The teacher was so kind, she let DC take a “toilet buddy” (a friend) for morale support and also kept an eye on how they were doing in the day. She also spoke to DC and reassured them it was ok.

Please do speak to DD’s teacher OP. Holding wee all day is indeed very bad for them but I know from experience how tricky it is to resolve when you are not there with her all day.

Put toddler reins on her, and make her feel silly. Tell her she will have to wear them until she stops behaving like a little toddler.

My DDs the same age and has been like this coming out of school since this term started. It’s coincided with her going onto school dinners, which she asked to do, and I’m sure it’s that she’s hungry as the portion sizes are smaller than the packed lunch she had. DD is never hungry in the mornings so only has something small like and apple and always had a bigger lunch so I think she’s hangry. I started taking a banana for her to eat on the way home the last few days and she’s been better, I’d definitely try a snack.

This ^ There could be more going on underneath. Even if not, school is hard work, especially at age 5.

Sandwich and fruit and a bit of investigation, have a chat to school.

Take her some organic dried kale - that should do the trick.

I think this is a bad idea .
She is very young , has been 'restrained' in school all day and is probably hungry , overwhelmed and glad to be free .
School is brutal for some children .

What about an Audio book for the car - along with the snack. I used to do this with my youngest when I had two at different schools, and we were driving to pick up the other one. I was surprised at the difference it made.

I never gave a choice, I just said ‘Today we’re listening to …..’

My eldest ds was exactly the same at that age. Year 1 does feel like a big step up from reception and there is a lot more focus on sitting nicely and listening, which I always thought was developmentally a bit too much to expect from most 5 year olds. I found taking a snack, not talking to him and stopping by the park on the way home for a run around helped a lot.

My ds also had the same problems with going to the toilet at school (or anywhere that wasn't home). I made the mistake of hoping he'd grow out of it and it ended up dragging on for years and leading to other toileting issues. He's almost 11 now and still has problems linked to this; I wish someone had advised me to deal with the problem when he was 5!

Ds is autistic, but I think these problems are common in a lot of 5 year olds, so doesn't necessarily mean she is ND.

Also, don't worry about people staring at you or judging you. Your child will definitely not be the only one who is struggling.

Are you walking distance from school? if possible could you take her scooter/dolls pram to school or even a doll for her to 'look after' on the way home? I am thinking along the lines of distraction for her

If after checking there has been no upset during her day, and she still continues with what I feel is purely a tantrum, I’d walk away and leave her kicking on the ground. See how long it takes her to realise she has no audience. (And no I’m not advocating you drive away and leave her there!) but simply walk to a vantage spot and see what she makes of your new reaction.

I’m thinking that ignoring this behaviour is preferable to giving it airtime. Hard when maybe this is witnessed, but her current behaviour is not easy compared to that of her classmates. I’m thinking she is not behaving this way for her teacher? Good luck.

It's much tougher on the younger ones in the early years... but I promise you this phase will pass. I had one who was late August and they were literally shattered at the end of school.
Don't give a stuff about what people think. There will always be some snotty person, but who cares what they think? Its very stressful for you having to worry about them. Just remind yourself, she's still so young and really not many weeks off being in Reception.

I think the loo thing may be significant. One of mine had a very strict head who declared that Reception would have to learn to only wee during the breaks. Cue lots of them wetting themselves (sometimes out of stress). The CA said she thought it was a really unfair ruling. Its really worth finding out what their policy is on loo breaks.

Have a kind chat with her at the weekend about school pick ups...she might say more then. Best of luck x

I don't believe this would help the situation at all. It's unkind actually.