Threat to gate crash DD wedding

[Aussierelative]

Bit of background DSis lives in Australia and has been living overseas with her family for about 30 years. We keep in touch but are not really that close. We have not met in person for over 6 years and only every 3-4 years before that.
My DD is getting married in September. It is a fairly small wedding, 60 for the ceremony and wedding breakfast with another 40 [mainly friends] coming for an evening party. The decision was made months ago not to invite any cousins from either side. DSis and her DH are invited and have accepted although she made it clear that she was very disappointed that her two DCs were not included. They are both late 20's. My nephew is independent, but niece is still at home with parents mainly due to MH issues. I have heard a rumour that my DSis and BiL are planning to bring the uninvited niece with them presumably in the hope that we will somehow shoehorn her into the arrangements. My DH is fuming to say the least and never had much time for them anyway. He says that this is gate crashing and if they do this we should uninvite them even if they have travelled from Auz. I am not sure how to handle this. Any advice?

If she lives with them she is probably coming to the UK with them to see family and holiday with them.

Nobody has forced the aunt to travel and noone even asked the cousin to, so it's a bit silly to suggest you have to invite her because she's travelled so far.

If there's no space there is no space. She wasn't invited, she doesn't get to just crash. How incredibly rude to just turn up with an extra guest, are they expecting you to feed her as well with no notice?

She’s already specifically not invited, it’s not up to OP to invite her. Who should they uninvited to make room for her?

Talk to sis and ask whether her DD is coming to uk or remaining in aus, if she’s travelling say, ask what she plans to do while they’re at the wedding and just reiterate that DDs venue has a maximum capacity so deffo not room for 1 extra

60 is quite a small wedding. I would think that OPs DD has other cousins that she is closer to that she hasn’t been able to invite to the wedding.
Maybe OP should just reiterate to her sister that she is sorry her daughter can’t come when she speaks to her. Maybe the sister thinks it is a buffet and she can just sneak another in.

OP has made it clear that if her niece were to attend, they'd have to uninvite someone else who has already been invited.

I'm actually staggered at how many people think this is okay?

I don’t think the other cousins would be annoyed if they knew the circumstances. They shouldn’t be, anyway. It wouldn't be hard to say/write to them afterwards "I expect you might have heard that Kylie was at the wedding. Just wanted to let you know that no cousins were invited, but since Kylie came to England with Bruce and Sheila we felt she couldn’t just be left out and had to make last-minute arrangements for her to come. Hope to see you soon."

Absolutely this

I'm finding this thread helpful in places. Yes DH is quite judgmental but that is not going to change. DD is doing some of the planning but we are helping out quite a bit as she was finding it stressful. I have not actually told her or her fiancé yet but obviously need to. I am really looking to try and get some wider views on how we might approach this issue. No one wants a big family bust up over a wedding.🙄

I would think that OPs DD has other cousins that she is closer to that she hasn’t been able to invite to the wedding. @Flossflower

Exactly this!

🖕

" I can't say to much about the source of the rumour as that might be outing but it is difficult to verify."

You don't have to raise the rumour at all.

Next time you contact her I would comment that since her daughter lives with them they don't have to go to the faff of closing up the house / emptying the fridge / etc., and on their return they won't be coming to an empty house with no milk and bread. Travelling is so much easier if you don't have dealing with the houseas well!

See what she says.

(It's a genuine comment - I hate having to run down the fridge contents for the week/fortnight before we go, and hate equally the fridge being empty on my return. Never had to do that when DS was still living with us, it was much better.)

By raising the subject this way, you are not dropping anyone in it - but you are raising the subject and she will have to respond. How she responds will dictate your next move.

You can't just rock up at a wedding with an uninvited extra guest, it doesn't matter how far you've come!

so she’s schlepping all the way over here for the wedding, presumably niece is coming as she’s not fully independent.
what is she meant to do whilst her family are at the wedding of also her relative.
just invite the poor lass

I think it's odd to be fuming about this rather than concerned and accommodating. You aren't close with your sister, so you don't know exactly what's going on with your niece right now. If they don't feel that they can leave her on her own on this occasion, that's quite telling that she isn't doing well.

I wouldn't uninvite my own sister from my DD's wedding because my niece is too mentally unwell to be left on her own on the other side of the world.

If she travels with your sister I would let her know that niece can't attend the day as everything is specific to the number of people, but I'd think she'd be able to come along in the evening? With your DD's blessing of course.

I agree, you should invite the niece. If they can't leave her at home due to mental health issues, what will they do with her during the day of the wedding? I think you need to think this through and imagine how it would feel if the positions were reversed and it was your daughter with mental health issues on her own in Australia for the day.

Except they could be bringing the daughter to the UK with no intention of her coming to the wedding. It's unlikely that they are coming for one day so they are probably planning on visiting friends, other family etc while they are here.

I think it is mean to exclude her as well
Some people will inevitably drop out on the day due to illness or something so there will be room

100 people is a small wedding?

Hi OP I have read your updates. I think there is every chance the rumour is a load of nonsense anyway and your sister has no intention of doing this.
Id just drop into conversation next time that you are really sorry DN can't attend , that you've looked into it and there is simply no room, everyone invited intends to come so no space and venue strict about numbers etc. make it clear she will not be included that way bringing her in the hope of being involved would be a cheek.
Would it be ok for her to come for the hol but not the wedding? How would you feel about that? I suppose unless they are staying with you there is nothing stopping her coming for a holiday with her parents and doing her own things on wedding day?

If my daughter was unable to be left alone then I wouldn't be going in the first place.

The poor girl has MH issues and the idea of dragging her halfway across the world to socialise with a bunch of strangers is mind boggling to me.