Threat to gate crash DD wedding

[Aussierelative]

Bit of background DSis lives in Australia and has been living overseas with her family for about 30 years. We keep in touch but are not really that close. We have not met in person for over 6 years and only every 3-4 years before that.
My DD is getting married in September. It is a fairly small wedding, 60 for the ceremony and wedding breakfast with another 40 [mainly friends] coming for an evening party. The decision was made months ago not to invite any cousins from either side. DSis and her DH are invited and have accepted although she made it clear that she was very disappointed that her two DCs were not included. They are both late 20's. My nephew is independent, but niece is still at home with parents mainly due to MH issues. I have heard a rumour that my DSis and BiL are planning to bring the uninvited niece with them presumably in the hope that we will somehow shoehorn her into the arrangements. My DH is fuming to say the least and never had much time for them anyway. He says that this is gate crashing and if they do this we should uninvite them even if they have travelled from Auz. I am not sure how to handle this. Any advice?

I would double down, ask DD if that’s likely at all, I’m guessing she will have plenty of other back ups and so will say no. I’d tell DSIS that she absolutely will not be invited and be clear you aren’t trying to be blunt but you don’t want them all to come all this way with unrealistic expectations. Suggest they consider a back up plan for their DD that day,

I’m not close to my aunt, not my type of person but if I’d have had a big wedding I would have invited her for my mum. I couldn’t care less if she was there though. And if she started pulling this, I’d tell her she had one +1 she can either bring her husband or her daughters and if I heard gossip about her moaning I’d uninvite them all

What a presumptuous and stigmatising post. We know nothing of the niece other than she has “MH issues” and her mother would like her to be included. Having mental health issues does not automatically prevent a person from enjoying / behaving appropriately at a wedding .

I think this is what you need to drop into your correspondence with DSis. Putting something like this in an email:

Really looking forward to seeing you while you are over for DDs wedding. I hope we can find some time while you are over here for me to spend some time with (niece) as she's not there at the wedding (just to explain, the venue is strictly limited to 60 and there are at least 15 cousins counting both bride and groom sides so DD&(groom's name) had to decide that no cousins would be invited. I hope you understand.)

And its also rash to assume that people coming thousands of miles will attend.
Why should a seldom-seen and not close relative take precedence?
Speculation aside, I was reiterating the facts as they stand.

But you aren't either of the bride or groom, haven't set a Guest list and aren't maxing out capacity on a venue so that there isn't room for one more.

If it were my DD I’d want her to make her own decisions on what she wants for her wedding. And possibly be disappointed if she felt like she had to cave into peer pressure, to keep someone she has zero relationship with happy.

No relationship 🙈- dear lord , it’s her cousin. If they had “no relationship” she wouldn’t be travelling from Australia because her parents are attending this wedding.

Well you do you, but I’m definitely not raising my kids to be selfish twerps but rather thoughtful , generous and respectful of others, especially family, including on their wedding.

I know there’s this bizarre notion these days that weddings are all about me me me- the cult of the individual and all- but actually they are not- they are social occasions where family and friends are brought together. If you just want it all to be about you then don’t have a bloody wedding.

Grrr . rant over 😅.

The cousins last met 10 years ago, and it doesn't sound as if they've kept in touch in the intervening decade. You can have a relative that you have no relationship with, you know!

And as for "she wouldn’t be travelling from Australia because her parents are attending this wedding" - she isn't. She "will be coming over as they plan to have a holiday in Europe after the wedding" - the wedding that her parents are invited to and she is not.

If OP's sister wanted her children to grow up in the bosom of HER birth family, she should probably have stuck around, not spent the last 30 years on the other side of the world.

Buy you do you, raising your kids to be people-pleasing doormats.

And as for "she wouldn’t be travelling from Australia because her parents are attending this wedding" - she isn't. She "will be coming over as they plan to have a holiday in Europe after the wedding" - the wedding that her parents are invited to and she is not.

these things aren’t mutually exclusive: if her parents were coming to the wedding she wouldn’t be travelling from Australia.

Anyway.

It’s so absolutely toxic that being a decent , thoughtful, prosocial person is equated these days to being a “people pleasing dormat”. it’s like the ultimate get out of jail free card isn’t it? Oh no I’m not a completely selfish, self involved, arsehole, with main character syndrome, who treats everyone around me like accessories in the “me show”- I’m just not a “people pleasing dormat”!

Not read the full thread but presumably 60 have been invited not including the cousin.
As she's bringing the cousin of her own accord, I think it's fair to tell DSis that invites have been sent for the exact capacity for the reception, and there are (however many others) who already know they are on the reserve list. And that if things change/people drop out of course cousin could be added on, but at this stage they have to assume she's not included, and manage cousin's expectations accordingly.

She’s clearly said that they have no relationship. They live on the other side of the world how much relationship do you think they’d have? Also she’s coming for a holiday, I’m sure no one is coming all this way just gatecrash a wedding where they barely know anyone

Honestly who is being the self involved arsehole really? The bride who has a limited amount of guests slots and has decided to draw the line in the family invites at aunts and uncles, or someone who is not close to the bride who has decided to push and push for the bride to disinvite one of her guests so that she can bring an extra family member?

Weddings are stressful, what you don’t need is an aunt you barely see making demands of your wedding. Where do you draw the line? Aunt gets an extra +1 for practically a stranger, maybe the best man says actually I’m a carer for my dad and he’d be really lonely if I was don’t invite him. Then the bridesmaid starts dating someone a week before the wedding and now needs a +1? Or her other aunts and uncles decide if that aunt gets to bring her children they want theirs there too? At what point is the bride no longer selfish to tell someone actually you’re not invited so no you can’t come?

I'm not on team 'awww just let her come' I'm on team 'find out what's happening rather than over reacting to a rumour that has probably come from someone misinterpreting that DD is coming to mean to the wedding when it's meant as coming to the UK.'

No, it isn't fucking mean or selfish to not invite her.
Cousins the niece and fiance KNOW and who live in this country are NOT being invited due to space. WTF should they be obligated to cater to this for someone they don't like or know over people they actually like and know? Family at that!

Correct

It seems mean on your part not to invite them. Seriously just invite them!

Had this with outlet wedding. Cousins to evening bit several were strangers so didn’t invite and whole family including the two sob cousins who were invited boycotted the wedding. Barely spoken since in 17 years

If the daughter really has special needs and cannot be left alone or with her brother then it is only fair to invite her. The other cousins not invited would surely understand the situation and that these people have travelled from the other side of the world.

This

Personally if family had paid so much to travel to the uk to see me get married - hypothetically I would be delighted

I'd just uninvite DSis at this point. Just because she's coming from far away, it doesn't mean she's entitled to bring someone who isn't invited.

If you invite one cousin even if they are coming from Australia presumably you will have to invite all the cousins with the added expense. Make that clear to.your sister as to why you aren't inviting any.at all?

I would suggest your DD to contact her cousin directly and say something along the lines of I know you are coming over to the UK with your parents. I am sorry I couldn’t extend an invitation to you as well but we have had disappoint a lot of people on both sides as the venue is rigid on numbers ect ect. However I would love to get together whilst you are here - can we meet for lunch?

That way she tells her independently of her mum why she can’t come but that she would like to see her. It also means her mum can’t lead her to believe that she is invited or that it is ok for her to just turn up.

It’s a shame weddings in this country are the way they are.

Don’t assume she wants to come to this wedding- She might have plans to go the Trafford Centre or something.

I wouldn’t invite her, because that could cause issues with other cousins but if she travels with her parents for whatever personal reasons I would have plans in place to include her, extend an invitation on arrival. They are coming a long way at great expense and it’s your niece and your sister not a random friend