Threat to gate crash DD wedding

[Aussierelative]

Bit of background DSis lives in Australia and has been living overseas with her family for about 30 years. We keep in touch but are not really that close. We have not met in person for over 6 years and only every 3-4 years before that.
My DD is getting married in September. It is a fairly small wedding, 60 for the ceremony and wedding breakfast with another 40 [mainly friends] coming for an evening party. The decision was made months ago not to invite any cousins from either side. DSis and her DH are invited and have accepted although she made it clear that she was very disappointed that her two DCs were not included. They are both late 20's. My nephew is independent, but niece is still at home with parents mainly due to MH issues. I have heard a rumour that my DSis and BiL are planning to bring the uninvited niece with them presumably in the hope that we will somehow shoehorn her into the arrangements. My DH is fuming to say the least and never had much time for them anyway. He says that this is gate crashing and if they do this we should uninvite them even if they have travelled from Auz. I am not sure how to handle this. Any advice?

If my dc invited all cousins to their wedding, there would have been 7 cousins with their partners, plus their 10 children ie 24 people. Not an insignificant number of people!

I got married recently about 4 people gatecrashed that we hadn't invited but had assumed that they were! We were a bit suprised by them turning up but ultimately it didn't make any difference to the day.

To be fair, 40 people isn't much by the time it's split between the bride and groom - for each person that's parents x 2, siblings and their partners, grandparents maybe and a couple of aunts and uncles. Plus your five closest friends and their plus -ones. There's not a lot of room for manoeuvre in that.

BUT if someone is making the effort to travel all that way, it's churlish not to find a place for them. Maybe they've not shown much interest in family before but perhaps now is their time. Who knows, you might even like them!

if that’s the case there is no discussion, perhaps I missed a post. I thought it was more that the parents didn’t want to invite this cousin.

*Ewock if it were me I'd assume one extra wasn't a big issue I bet someone won't turn up. This is just my opinion. I wouldn't invite my sister and her husband and expect them not to bring their 16 year old mentally ill daughter. But anyway. I hope it all works out ok OP. *

So because someone chose to travel, knowing they were not invited to a special specific event, everyone should just make arrangements around them?

Why? I honestly don’t get it.

Just invite her, Christ alive. This is such a stupid thing to fall out over.

Glad you are going to speak to your sis OP. Before you speak to her, ask the venue if it's possible to add one more, especially for evening. If they say, "under no circumstances" then that will be something you can bring up ("we would have loved to invite Kylie as well but the venue are being really strict and invitations have gone out already....").

Try and gauge how niece is doing. It may be that she's not doing too well at the moment and can't be left for a long period, or that they feel a holiday may really help her at this time. It's so very difficult to have a child with MH issues. I would also be really accommodating at saying niece is first on 'waiting list', you are really sorry you can't uninvite anyone but if anyone can't come she will be the first to have a space.

That could work. At a friend's wedding 2 couples didn't come (genuine reasons) so would have had room. Ours everyone came so it would have been a problem.
However it comes down to why should the bride and groom invite someone they don't want there.

So many people lacking reading comprehension and asking why the cousin can't come.
Apart from the fact that DD and cousin don't really get on, as detailed in OPs comments , also this:
The ceremony is in a private venue and the maximum for the space is 60

They have 60 people already. 60+1 =61
The maximum for the space is 60

Hope this clears things up

DSis and her DH are invited and have accepted although she made it clear that she was very disappointed that her two DCs were not included. They are both late 20's.

Big difference between a 16 year old and an adult in their late 20s though....

The wedding isn't until September - they won't have final numbers yet. It would be unusual to have even sent invites at this stage. It's bold to assume everyone invited will definitely be able to attend.

Those saying "its just one more" - it's not just one more is it? If the cousins is then (begrudgingly) invited, her brother is then left out, so 75% of the Aus family are invited. Instead of just a blanket "aunts and uncles are invited, cousins arent" set up.

An update for you. I have spoken to DSis today and it turns out that flights have already been booked and DN will be coming over as they plan to have a holiday in Europe after the wedding. No problem with that! However DSis is 'hopeful' that DN will be invited after all. The decision will obviously be down to DD and her fiancé. Save the date notes went out before Christmas and I know they have a reserve list of people they would like to invite if space allows for both the ceremony and evening party. I just hope this does not cause bad feeling.

So the cousin is travelling all that way for a lovely European holiday, not the wedding of a cousin she barely knows and doesn’t like? And a wedding which she knew in advance she wasn’t invited to. If sounds like (based on what you’ve said) even if the cousin does have bad feeling to your daughter, that will have no impact on your daughter’s life anyway because she doesn’t speak to her cousin anyway.

I think this is fine then. Probably the less said about it the better. Id only bring it up again if your daughter asks you to because a space has become available. I wouldn't mention it otherwise as it then looks like it is on everyone's radar and makes an invite seem more likely. Enjoy the preparations and the day when it comes.

Has anyone actually asked this cousin/niece if she wants to go?

I don’t have mental health issues but the idea of going to a wedding where the only people I know are my parents (who will likely be making rounds catching up with people) and the bride, fills me with dread. I would also be mortified that my parents were engineering my attendance when I wasn’t invited and there isn’t space!

Confirm now to your sister that there categorically won’t be space so her daughter can make alternative plans that day. Maybe suggest a brunch together the day after the wedding if the niece is eager to connect with her family - though I suspect she isn’t at all fussed and is only along for a holiday.

I couldn’t get worked up about this. I’d just let this extra person come

There isn’t space. There are 60 places for the guests which are allocated. In addition to that the bride and groom have a reserve list of people who they would invite if all of those 60 can’t attend.

Since she is coming all this way anyway (and it makes total sense they would combine with a holiday and she would) , her cousin is getting married and her parents are going, it would be exceptionally mean spirited to not find space to include her. What is she going to do? Sit in the hotel by herself? Honestly what is wrong with people. Why are we so selfish these days? If this were my DD I’d be extremely disappointed in her.

I'd tell Dsis to contact your DD & stay the heck out of it. Let them work it out between them.

I agree. Surprised by all the opinions here. @Aussierelative please support your DD and DH. Even if there's space.

Also, does niece actually even want to come? Or is DSis stirring?

If niece has serious MH issues, I can't see anything WORSE than coming to a formal social event which (rightly so) will be structured around the bride and groom and friends.

If it was one of those big ones with 1000 guests paid for by grandparents as a family reunion it's different. But it's clearly not.

Unfamiliar country, unfamiliar people, stick to schedule, set food menu, formal dining, quiet during ceremony, she can't walk out and decompress when she wants ...

Even if you're super-successful with perfect MH most wedding guests don't engage with people they don't know.

Often people stick to their own partners/conversations and rarely include newcomers.

It won't be a relaxed socialising opportunity for niece to make new girlfriends and bond with cousin and build up a British social life (if that's what DSis thinks will happen).

If her parents are trying to care for her, surely they'd be better taking turns in a cosy AirBnB/hotel room where they can control the environment more.

If they want family bonding and chat and niece to enjoy UK then a walk and an informal pub lunch would work better.

As someone with ND/anxiety traits myself I know new events can be overwhelming (so I regulate myself by steering clear).

There's often pressure to externally normalise by turning to to big events, when most are completely socially irrelevant (unless you know the hosts well and there's going to be a future connection).

Some people can be difficult/disruptive at formal events. I have some distant relatives who couldn't make small talk, but would comment/share immediate thoughts about brides appearance/weight etc. Or have issues with menu or drinks (not communicated in advance) and then expect bride and groom to resolve.

(Looking back I think mum and one daughter were undiagnosed ND, you see daughter posting about her ADHD on social media now).

Assume this is what bride has observed in the past with her cousin, and wants to avoid? It's her day.

Anxiety and MH issues can make people dysregulated and self-focussed and unaware of how their immediate behaviour is impacting others (and I should know!).

It's not fair on DD or cousin really.

@Fluffedtobits Thank you for your last post which is the most helpful and insightful on this thread. I'm seeing DD later and I will show it to her as I think she will find it useful to think about some of this before she contacts her aunt.

if she turns up and wants an invite

explain its not my wedding sister and you knew that before you arrived cousin wasn't invited

repeat to anything else she says,

its not my wedding and you knew cousin wasn't invited

What about all the other cousins who haven't been invited?
Does she now have to invite them as well?
Seriously rude and entitled to just turn up.