Kids WhatsApp group

[Pjsallday]

My 11 year old (year 6) got a phone for Christmas. He will be starting to walk to and from school soon as i want to prepare him for secondary school in September. I've always walked or drove him to school and I've seen quite a few peers going it alone so I guess it's time. Im abit nervous as he can be abit ditzy and I just want him to be aware of the roads etc. Anyway he got a phone so I could track his movements. He's exchanged his number with all our family members and some school friends. I didn't want him to have Snapchat WhatsApp etc as i knew he would become obsessed. So he downloaded WhatsApp secretly and of course there is a group chats with kids from school. Well it's all kicking off. One girl is putting up the little questionnaire things like who is funnier x or y. Who's the prettier girl x or y. Then the kids are voting. I'm very concerned about this. My child isn't responding so she's calling him out for it. I have took him off the chats but she keeps adding him. I fear this could lead to bullying. Unfortunately some of his pals who he's close with have interacted with all of this and I just feel it's all peer pressure. I want him to delete the whole WhatsApp but he likes sending pictures to his aunts and uncles etc. Anyway my AIBU is do I tell the teacher. Obviously if she addresses the whole class the kids will figure out it might have come from my kid as he was the only one to leave the chat. And I don't want him to get left out or bullied for it. Im in two minds
I wish I never got the blooming phone now. What do I do. I feel so sad for him

No do not tell the teacher. It's got nothing to do with the teacher, the teacher has enough to do. This is a parenting issue. Delete Whatsapp from the phone as your child is too young and set up proper controls so he can't download whatever apps he wants.

Why would you tell the teacher? This is not a school issue. You need to delete the WhatsApp from his phone and keep a much closer check on what he's got on there - he shouldn't be able to download apps without your permission. If he doesn't comply with your rules, take the phone away until secondary school.

H is a teacher, bullying on whtsapp is rife, and one of the biggest issues they face. I would be deleting Whatsapp off his phone, put restrictions on it so he can't download things and if h won't comply take the phone off him.

The phone isn't a genie in a bottle. It's not a horse which has bolted.

You are the parent. You are the person who can guide for him how he acts. It doesn't matter if this girl is calling him out; he has to stand up and see past her pressurising approach.

Until then, I'd take the phone and delete WhatsApp. He doesn't need it to message you (iMessage? normal SMS?) and you don't need it for tracking him.

It would be nice if other parents bothered to monitor their children's smartphone usage and take similar action too. It's very difficult for kids who feel like they're missing out on something the majority of the class is involved in.

The school are very likely to be interested. We get an mail every term, stating that they are banned, there's loads of bullying on the groups.

You need to install effective parental controls as a condition of him having the phone. You'll be able to limit what apps he can have and how long he spends on them. Google Family Link is free and very good.

If you want him to keep Whatsapp for family chat purposes then you can adjust the settings in Whatsapp so only selected contacts can add him to groups. They can still send him an invitation, but he just declines it rather than being added automatically. If he's not mature enough to delete it those requests, then he loses Whatsapp.

If your DS is secretly downloading apps, he's showing he isn't mature enough for a phone yet.

No WattsApp groups is one of firm phone rules. 3 or 4 friends is fine.. whole class or year groups no way. DD was added a few times, and was actually happy to just delete them as she saw how bad they were quickly.

DD2s primary clas had a big online bullying problem, so we deliberately didn't give her a phone... she went out with friends and to school alone with no issues.

I wouldn't raise it with the teacher, what you've described so far is unkind, but I don't think they've actually crossed the line into bullying or inappropriate behaviour as such.

I would remove WhatsApp from your phone and set up Google Family Link or similar. Your son will be unable to download apps without your prior approval, you can set age appropriate content restrictions and time limits.

I am very firmly of the opinion that no child that age needs a smart phone with internet capabilities in order to be safe. A basic phone they can use to be reached or contact a parent is sufficient for school journeys or being out of the home unattended.

Children of that age are simply not emotionally mature enough to navigate social media, we wouldn't send our children out into adult public areas which are largely moderated by societal norms and the law... the internet is like the Wild West in terms of what they're exposed to. Without appropriate moderation and supervision your child could end up in some very dark places being exposed to the worst kind of people and you wouldn't even know. Bullying among peers would be the least of your concerns when that happens.

Remove WhatsApp and set up proper parenting controls to prevent him from downloading apps.

I can't believe people are giving their primary aged children smartphones and not setting up basic parental controls.

Sounds like one particular girl is the immediate problem - just block her, and stay out of the problematic groups.

You need to guide your DC with how to deal with this kind of situation and if they aren’t ready to do so, delete the app and set up parental controls so they can’t reinstall.
Kids WhatsApp groups always seem to attract this, bear in mind the participants are probably behaving like this in the playground too, but seeing it in black and white isn’t nice.

We have had complaints from parents on our class WhatsApp about children’s behaviour but ultimately it’s up to parents to monitor and guide, not school teachers, in my opinion.

Absolutely this. And then they want school to sort the problem they caused.

@Pjsallday on WhatsApp you can change the settings so that you can’t be added to groups

Thank you for reminding me why I am staying strong and not getting my 11 year old a phone irrespective of whether “the other kids have them”.

I use an air tag to track my son so I know he has got to school safely and if they HAVE to have a phone for emergency calls why do they need smartphones? Surely a basic style Nokia which does texts and calls will do?

Don't tell the teacher. Pop into the office or ping them an email with a screenshot if you have it. The Head will then focus a Safer Use of Mobiles assembly on the class. It is very unlikely to be the first time they've dealt with it.

The legal age for WhatsApp in the UK is 13.

This should be the end of any discussion. Please parent your child.

From someone who works in Year 6 and sees the damage these groups cause to children.

I didn’t let my dd have WhatsApp until y7 when it is basically unavoidable. You can mention to the teacher that the school might need to reiterate to parents that y6 kids should be given clear rules about appropriate online behaviour including phone use. Schools DO take this seriously and many of them will regularly send newsletters about these issues. My dad’s school had a big rant at parents about Fortnite and Squid Games (who let’s a ten year old watch Squid Games?) some parents are frankly crap.

I also only gave my dd very minimal data in Y6 and when it was gone, it was gone. She learned not to watch videos on her phone outside our Wi-Fi zone.

Your dc should NOT be able to download apps in secret - you need to restrict the apple account/ phone to prevent dc from doing that without requiring your approval.

At home, you should also bump up security on your Wi-Fi box - ours simply won’t let you watch or search for anything “dodgy”. The filters do slow things down a bit, but a small price for keeping kids safe.

While you are at it: check and change PINS on Netflix, Disney+ etc so dc can’t view adult material on the Tv either.

Ffs

Delete whatsapp. When he is old enough, change settings so people cannot add him to chats. Everyone should do this.

Set up his phone so you have to approve any apps he tries to add.

Smart phones are great but parents do actually need to keep an eye on things!

Year is 6 is the prime time this happens. My DS had a phone long before year 6 (I know MN will be outraged) but he used it to message his GPs and that’s about it. When all his friends got phones in year 6 he wasn’t bothered. They all went a bit crazy creating groups having arguments kicking people out of groups. I monitored it all as DS hardly looked at his phone but what I did realise that after a while it calms down. There are a few children who obviously have no parental guidance or monitoring who post a lot and at all hours and then most of the other ones just drop off. The school got involved a few times when there were inappropriate things being said and posted. If a lot of them have just got phones for Christmas you’ll be in the thick of it now it’s a novelty that wears off for most of them. I had an advantage that my DS never took his phone to school and didn’t have an interest in any of the groups.

I would speak to your DS about online safety. It’s bad that he downloaded without your knowledge and for that reason I would definitely delete it from his phone. Does he really need a phone to walk to school? How local are you? It is a minefield so you have my sympathy but you’re the parent you need to do what’s right for your son. Forget about how others parent their children. He needs to know it’s ok not to follow the crowd,

Why on earth didn’t you set up parental controls so he couldn’t download an app without you having to say yes?!

This is at best a temporary band aid. The same will happen again.

13 is the minimum age for WhatsApp as per their t&c's.

No child younger than this should have it, much less be able to download apps to their phone without parental approval.

This is nothing to do with the school.

Parents need to be doing the parenting.

Sit your son down and talk to him about the importance of thinking about what we say and put online and that it is there forever.

Get him to watch educational videos (try nspcc etc) about internet safety.

Do your own research on parental controls and get them on to the highest security.

Let you son know that a smart phone is a privilege not a necessity and it can be changed for a brick phone at any time.

Make sure he knows that you can have access to his phone at any time and that at night the phone isn’t allowed in his bedroom.

If you don’t want him on certain apps, delete and make sure he can’t redownload.

Remember he is your child not your friend. Be cruel to be kind.

You need to set up parental controls so that he needs permission to download apps. It's a pain approving stuff but it's the only way.
Our kids are 13 now and we've moved from parents' WhatsApp groups during covid to slowly the kids being the ones to use them to ask about homework etc. Some of the boys from their class were spamming their group with rubbish and one of the girls has just gone on and removed them as admins and threatened to ban them if they don't stop. The kids are alright

@Pjsallday I'm a teacher with a Y7 tutor group and deal with WhatsApp bullying regularly so it is definitely worth speaking to the teacher. I have to address another issue tomorrow with my group.

As for him sneaking apps onto his phone- what was the consequence?

His phone needs FamilyLink or similar on it so it can be controlled via your phone. That way you can be in charge.

Also, make sure he has his phone in his bag on the walk to school. The number of young children hit by cars because they're not paying attention due to being on their phone has increased massively.