Kids WhatsApp group

[Pjsallday]

My 11 year old (year 6) got a phone for Christmas. He will be starting to walk to and from school soon as i want to prepare him for secondary school in September. I've always walked or drove him to school and I've seen quite a few peers going it alone so I guess it's time. Im abit nervous as he can be abit ditzy and I just want him to be aware of the roads etc. Anyway he got a phone so I could track his movements. He's exchanged his number with all our family members and some school friends. I didn't want him to have Snapchat WhatsApp etc as i knew he would become obsessed. So he downloaded WhatsApp secretly and of course there is a group chats with kids from school. Well it's all kicking off. One girl is putting up the little questionnaire things like who is funnier x or y. Who's the prettier girl x or y. Then the kids are voting. I'm very concerned about this. My child isn't responding so she's calling him out for it. I have took him off the chats but she keeps adding him. I fear this could lead to bullying. Unfortunately some of his pals who he's close with have interacted with all of this and I just feel it's all peer pressure. I want him to delete the whole WhatsApp but he likes sending pictures to his aunts and uncles etc. Anyway my AIBU is do I tell the teacher. Obviously if she addresses the whole class the kids will figure out it might have come from my kid as he was the only one to leave the chat. And I don't want him to get left out or bullied for it. Im in two minds
I wish I never got the blooming phone now. What do I do. I feel so sad for him

Going against the grain but I would inform the teacher actually in case it spills over in to school.

I'd also delete WhatsApp entirely. They're too young to use it properly and ends up in this kind of stuff.

Why can’t he just use messenger? He probably needs tighter controls generally, dd11 can’t even add contact numbers without us entering the screen time password.

Yr 7 is a whole other game we found.

I treated the last term of yr 6 as a training and learning ground for yr 7. So the kids all had phones at the Easter, and had WhatsApp. It was all monitored.

As a pp said, the minute these kids get their phones some go crazy, and some aren’t monitored. This makes for some great learning moments on how to interact, when to walk away, and when to notify a parent etc. But on the whole, the kids are young and while some interactions are questionable, they are not adult in content. It settled down by the end of the year.

Some of the yr 7 group chats were horrific. The language and content on the large whole year groups was not ok. I felt that without the introduction at a ‘lower’ level, yr 7 would have been a whole lot harder to negotiate for them. As it was, they were comfortable in coming out those groups, knowing when to walk away and not engage and not worrying about the repercussions of doing so in the classrooms the next day. They were also comfortable talking to us about anything that came up that worried them, as that is what had happened in yr 6.

Should add their primary was very small and sheltered. Socially, moving to secondary was a big deal.

What do you want the teacher to do?

Your child is 11 years old - you need to take responsibility for the fact that you've given them a phone with no controls and have allowed them to download and use WhatsApp.

I've been a year 7 form tutor in the past and personally would want to know about this. Often pulling in the pupils who have written horrible things in these chats is more effective than their parents speaking to them; it's more of a shock. My friends who are primary teachers would say the same.

Oh that's good to know. How do i adjust the settings so he can keep it for just family?

My DD is in year 7 and I had all this last year. My rule is: you can have WhatsApp but absolutely are not allowed to be part of groups. It’s too toxic and they aren’t mature enough to handle the inevitable fall outs

I considered a airtag but didn't really know ow how they worked?

Oh and BTW OP you can have a WhatsApp account on two different devices. My DD’s is on my laptop so I monitor it that way

Settings > Privacy > Groups (scroll down for this one)

Then set it to "my contacts except..." and then choose anyone in his phone who isn't a responsible adult :)

Edited to add that anyone who isn't saved in his phone also won't then be able to add him either.

Confiscate the phone because he downloaded an app that you had told him he wasn’t allowed.

Basically a circle shaped thing. You get a holder and it is like a key ring so you can attach it to school bags or use it as an actual key ring. You pair it with your phone and then you can see where the tag is. I have also heard of people sewing them into school blazers!

If you're going to allow a phone then you need to remove the phone from him until you are adept at using the parental controls.
No apps on the phone until you know how they work inside out.

Also speak to your DS and tell him he has your full permission to blame you

"I'd like to be in the group, but my dragon mum won't let me and I can't do it sneaky as if she reads it she'll tell all your mums as well"

I was 100% the bad guy for my kids until they had the maturity and confidence to be able to say "No, I don't want to" to their peers and deal with the fall out.

Have to say though, if he's ditzy at roads then a phone is a dreadful idea.

My DD2 was older than her siblings were when she got her first phone for exactly that reason.

If he can't be safe with it then he shouldn't have it.

Yes I feel the same. I would say 80% of my kids class have had phones since year 5. I kinda wanted him to get used to it before attending 'big school' in 9 months time. I wrestled with it for a good while but ultimately it was for him to start walking part way to and from school on his own. With the cost of living I've had to up my work hours and unfortunately it's a need must in terms of tracking his whereabouts. Im kicking myself about the WhatsApp as I only wanted him to use the phone for rexting and ringing. He has no other apps etc as he can use his tablet at home for YouTube and gaming. Belive it or not I am strict on screen time etc and I'm feeling really bad about this whole.situation. and I have downloaded the parental controls. He must have guessed my passwords!

Not RTFT, but my advice would be to get rid of WhatsApp OP.

My y7 DS has just got his smartphone back after a brief spell with a brick phone, as a result of silly behaviour, and is clear that there's no socials or WhatsApp allowed. He also knows that if he breaks the rules the move to a brick phone will be made permanent.

He bikes to the station then gets the train to school. When he had the Nokia phone, obviously there was no tracking facility, so we bought an AirTag which was v helpful.

They will need electronic devices for secondary school, they are best off learning how to use them safely.

Their homework is via various apps, and school communication is through email. The kids can all email their teachers for assistance etc.

They are better off learning to use this stuff safely instead of avoiding it.

I would never introduce earlier than yr 6, but there a few kids in my sons yr 8 who are still banned from phones, and they struggle with not being included in the chats that happen over the weekends and in the evenings. They basically feel ostracised socially.

For the record, I’d be happy with Australias proposals of banning them for all kids, but that’s unlikely here any time soon so they have to learn how to use them safely.

He literally has 10 contacts in this phone. He WAS added by the girl who was making all the nasty comments. I admit I'm abit of a technophobe so I need to brush up on these things. Thanks for all your advise

This is it! I really did wrestle with getting him one. It's so handy for the schoolwork aspect. For example he can do some homework in the car while we wait for his siblings to do after school activities etc. And I do need to monitor his whereabouts. But I'm so glad I was a a child.of the 90s!!!! Got my first phone when I was 21!!

Why do you fel you ee to monitor his whereabouts? Has he got tendency to wander off or got lost, or is it for your own peace of mind?

Any reason why you can’t just delete the whatsapp app?

Keep a regular eye out on app settings (like being able to be auto-added to WA groups rather than being invited) and the parental controls.

Ultimately they have to learn to manage communications sensibly. There's nothing magic about 13th/ 16th/ 18th birthdays; plenty of adults haven't mastered it. My DCs got their phones at Christmas of y6. DS1 could not be less interested in WA chat- he'll look at it very sporadically and moan at me for spaming him with a meme sent 2 weeks earlier. DS2 was interested in y6 chats, realised they're a load of garbage dominated by the class idiots and has decided not to join any big y7 ones and just keeps in touch with a cluster of real friends that splintered off to different secondaries. Learning that in y6 was lower stakes than y7 as the parents kept an eye out on the kids' groups and could flag up to each other if lines of sensible behaviour were being crossed. At secondary, there's no contact between parents so it's harder to nip issues in the bud.

Ultimately what goes on on WA and other scocial media is an extension of what happens in the playground. It's worse in that it's recorded and more visible plus more intrusive into general life, but generally the pupils being inappropriate are being inappropriate in what ever media form they are expressing it in.

This is a great question.

It's just on the 10 minute walk from school to home. For safety purposes? He doesn't go anywhere else on his own