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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids WhatsApp group

132 replies

Pjsallday · 16/01/2025 09:55

My 11 year old (year 6) got a phone for Christmas. He will be starting to walk to and from school soon as i want to prepare him for secondary school in September. I've always walked or drove him to school and I've seen quite a few peers going it alone so I guess it's time. Im abit nervous as he can be abit ditzy and I just want him to be aware of the roads etc. Anyway he got a phone so I could track his movements. He's exchanged his number with all our family members and some school friends. I didn't want him to have Snapchat WhatsApp etc as i knew he would become obsessed. So he downloaded WhatsApp secretly and of course there is a group chats with kids from school. Well it's all kicking off. One girl is putting up the little questionnaire things like who is funnier x or y. Who's the prettier girl x or y. Then the kids are voting. I'm very concerned about this. My child isn't responding so she's calling him out for it. I have took him off the chats but she keeps adding him. I fear this could lead to bullying. Unfortunately some of his pals who he's close with have interacted with all of this and I just feel it's all peer pressure. I want him to delete the whole WhatsApp but he likes sending pictures to his aunts and uncles etc. Anyway my AIBU is do I tell the teacher. Obviously if she addresses the whole class the kids will figure out it might have come from my kid as he was the only one to leave the chat. And I don't want him to get left out or bullied for it. Im in two minds
I wish I never got the blooming phone now. What do I do. I feel so sad for him

OP posts:
meloncotton · 17/01/2025 07:14

Hufflemuff · 17/01/2025 07:06

Just tell him to leave the chat and if he's added again, tell him to leave again and get him to tell this girl to stop adding him! He's got to learn to stand up for himself like that. If he gets a bit of stick at school for not being in the group, that's part of a life lesson he has to learn about brushing things off, standing up for himself and building resilience.

My DD friend added some pictures of another child mocking them in the class whatsapp group. My DD was in the background of the image with her friend. I was furious with her for not telling her friend to stop taking the pictures, but also because now any other parents who check their kids phone may assume my DD and her dickhead friend did this nasty thing together. My DD wasn't in the group when it was shared (thank god) but since that event she's been banned from having whatsapp groups! She gets re-added all the time, but a credit to her, i check the messages and she's always saying "i told you I'm not allowed whatsapp groups!" and leaves. The parent of the girl who had her pictures shared and mocked in the group contacted the school and the school were brilliant, they spoke to the whole class and did a mini session in PSHCE that week that focused on online bullying. They called the parents of the child involved etc.... so they really did get involved (even though they can't punish).

i think this is bad advice to say just tell him to keep leaving the group. Is that the advice you’d give yourself if you were constantly interrupted and added to groups? I bet you’d change your phone settings to not allow people to add you to groups until you press ok.

Tisthedamnseason · 17/01/2025 07:18

I didn't want him to have Snapchat WhatsApp etc as i knew he would become obsessed. So he downloaded WhatsApp secretly

What is the consequence for this? Doesn't he have parental control? Or rules around what happens if he downloads apps he knows he isn't allowed?

I want him to delete the whole WhatsApp but he likes sending pictures to his aunts and uncles etc.

Surely he can iMessage them?

MassiveSalad22 · 17/01/2025 07:21

SinnerBoy · 16/01/2025 10:30

The school are very likely to be interested. We get an mail every term, stating that they are banned, there's loads of bullying on the groups.

Yep same, my first thought was tell the school (offices if it was me, not the class teacher). Our school would definitely be interested. We had an amazing and terrifying talk about online safety last term, really eye opening.

Barbadosgirl · 17/01/2025 07:30

SoMentallyDrained · 16/01/2025 22:16

As someone mentioned earlier in the thread, homework is online now in most schools, as is communication with teachers (ClassCharts?)

Show quote history

Luckily it isn’t at the school I have chosen for my eldest. The HT hates and actively discourages smart phone for under 14s.

ThisUsernameIsNowTaken · 17/01/2025 07:30

This is why kids in year 6 shouldn't have smart phones. In my son's vlass they all have one now except for him. They've added me to their WhatsApp group instead and I can see the silly messages, spamming and 10 year olds texting on a school night at 11 p.m.

1234jump · 17/01/2025 08:11

Urgghhhh terrible, terrible parenting. Why are you giving a primary school child a smart phone. The idiocy, what did you think would happen.

1234jump · 17/01/2025 08:12

@SoMentallyDrained you know you can access 'online' without a smart phone 🙄

SoMentallyDrained · 17/01/2025 08:13

fanaticalfairy · 16/01/2025 23:47

So what? Doesn't mean he needs to take a smart phone to school...

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That's not the point of conversation though, the issues are occurring at home, so the taking it to school is irrelevant

1234jump · 17/01/2025 08:15

So much terrible parenting on this thread. Grown ups who clearly don't know how to use phones themselves giving them to young children. Bonkers.

SoMentallyDrained · 17/01/2025 08:16

Barbadosgirl · 17/01/2025 07:30

Luckily it isn’t at the school I have chosen for my eldest. The HT hates and actively discourages smart phone for under 14s.

Show quote history

I would much prefer this but unfortunately it's how homework and communication is set at our school. I hate the 'need' for mobile phones nowadays.

SoMentallyDrained · 17/01/2025 08:17

1234jump · 17/01/2025 08:12

@SoMentallyDrained you know you can access 'online' without a smart phone 🙄

I do, thank you for checking.

Zanatdy · 17/01/2025 08:19

My DD left the year 6 chat group for this very reason. I was shocked at some of the content.

ConfigueThat · 17/01/2025 08:21

I would be coming down very hard on my DS if he lied about his age. And your DS has done this - he will have had to confirm he's over 13 to get WhatsApp.

Delete it and use the family security features. Do not involve the teacher.

Renamedyetagain · 17/01/2025 08:23

Teacher here too

Absolutely tell the school. Schools and parents need to work together as this shit is endemic.

Barbadosgirl · 17/01/2025 08:29

SoMentallyDrained · 17/01/2025 08:16

I would much prefer this but unfortunately it's how homework and communication is set at our school. I hate the 'need' for mobile phones nowadays.

Show quote history

So annoying. Having seen how a child close to me, same age as my son, is with his IPhone I am just more and more convinced a lot of them just are not ready for it. Most adults are not, myself included. Cannot count the number of times I have stupidly kept myself up doomscrolling or have told myself am logging on early to get lots of work done and then while away the hours on Mumsnet!

Theeyeballsinthesky · 17/01/2025 08:30

OK. Spoke to DS after school. Dad put it on the phone for him. I had a late shift last night and he did it then

wait!! Your DH put the WhatsApp on DS phone??? You need to have a serious word with him about what a bloody stupid thing that was to do

SalmonWellington · 17/01/2025 08:32

Homework has gone online, but is better done on a laptop than a phone

Re: safety - your kid is more likely to be hit by a car while staring at their phone, or mugged for their phone than kidnapped.

Agree with teling school - it's not about telling them to parent for you, it's about alerting them to bullying.

Fuckingpissedoff1234 · 17/01/2025 08:34

When ds1 was that age, rather than having a phone he had a Moochi watch https://moochies.com/

It allows calls and video calling, basic messaging and there's an SOS function which places a call to the emergency contact and records what is happening. It also has a GPS tracking option.

Many of the other kids in his class in year 6 had social media, but he had a hard ban on it until he was 13.

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FinnJuhl · 17/01/2025 08:37

My DC can access all the secondary school apps for their homework on our home PC and laptop. They happily walk to school without phones, meeting up with friends on the way. There is no 'need' for smartphones, but if you're going to give them to children, please learn how to use them properly first!

HopelessHouseMaid · 17/01/2025 08:40

Get rid of WhatsApp, it only gets worse in secondary school.

SoMentallyDrained · 17/01/2025 08:43

Barbadosgirl · 17/01/2025 08:29

So annoying. Having seen how a child close to me, same age as my son, is with his IPhone I am just more and more convinced a lot of them just are not ready for it. Most adults are not, myself included. Cannot count the number of times I have stupidly kept myself up doomscrolling or have told myself am logging on early to get lots of work done and then while away the hours on Mumsnet!

Show quote history

I agree. The 'unmonitored access' children, I feel really sad for, they're like zombies and can't seem to hold a conversation

In our house, phones are left downstairs at night (we have old school alarm clocks!) and we have screen time limits, would that help?

Pebblesonthebeach40 · 17/01/2025 08:46

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 16/01/2025 10:22

H is a teacher, bullying on whtsapp is rife, and one of the biggest issues they face. I would be deleting Whatsapp off his phone, put restrictions on it so he can't download things and if h won't comply take the phone off him.

This

WhatsApp is age suggested as 16+. Such young children don't need this.

Pebblesonthebeach40 · 17/01/2025 08:48

meloncotton · 16/01/2025 16:20

As everyone is saying put controls on so he can't download anything unless you give him the parental code. It's quick ad easy. if you aren't sure how to do this ask here.

You are the parent so protect him from being able to download the shit show that is social media.

This.

Parents need to parent. Take control of what these very young children can assess. Children need good boundaries and guidelines to protect them.

WhiteLily1 · 17/01/2025 09:00

Why oh why for the love of god are people giving kids smartphones that arnt fully locked with parental controls? Once again im baffled by this.
Is it ignorance? No tech no how? Too much trust?
OP- you need to set up controls asap so that your child can’t do anything on that phone without your full say so.
No apps should be able to be downloaded without your permission.
No internet access at all. Take the browser off.
You will either need to delete what’s app or very heavily monitor it.

Barbadosgirl · 17/01/2025 09:01

SoMentallyDrained · 17/01/2025 08:43

I agree. The 'unmonitored access' children, I feel really sad for, they're like zombies and can't seem to hold a conversation

In our house, phones are left downstairs at night (we have old school alarm clocks!) and we have screen time limits, would that help?

Show quote history

For me?! Sounds like a great idea tbf 😂

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