To have gotten DDs BF a gift and not DS GF

[sophntheo]

DH and I have 2 adult children, both live far away from home now and we are very happy for them. DD is 23, she met her BF a little over a year ago, DS is 27 and met his GF just under a year ago.
Despite DD living on the other side of the world, I feel like I really “know” her BF, he is so lovely, we met him in the summer and you can just tell he adores DD and she does him, they make a lovely couple. Whenever DD FaceTimes and he is around he will always say hi, have a chat and ask about our lives and things we have told them about. He is just genuinely lovely and so supportive of DD too as she is about to start a course and will be out of full time work for several years and she was worried he would resent this but he is her biggest cheerleader.
On the other hand, we visited DS in October and over the 2 weeks didn’t meet his GF, said she was busy/tired etc. We have met her on FaceTime 2 times and spoke to her on the phone once.

DDs BFs birthday was today, he has a very specific interest and we were able to find a gift he would love, we sent it to him. DD sent a video to the family group chat of him opening it, it was very sweet and he was so grateful. DS and his GF are in this group chat too.

Now DS has messaged me saying that they have seen the video and it’s made his GF upset that we have sent DDs BF a gift but didn’t send one for her birthday last month. I gently explained that we don’t really know her at all and we wouldn’t have gotten him anything if it hadn’t been for seeing something he’d love. DS just messaged with “Do better” .

For Christmas we sent our children gifts and then got each couple a joint gift - sports tickets for one and concert for the others.

Was it unreasonable to not get her a gift when we don’t really know her?

Also don’t send the ‘pity’ present to the gf. I think it’s not a good look imo.

I've been married 34 years this year & I'm not in the in-laws group chat

Reading 'do better' from your son made me oof out loud, it was really rude of him, does he usually talk to you like that?
She doesn't sound particularly nice to me, she couldn't be arsed to make time to meet you when you visited him, yet feels affronted and has whined to him, that you've not sent her a gift for her birthday,, did you even know it was her birthday?
Re the comment about how bad MIL/DIL relationships begin, it works both ways!
All you can do is what you have done already, explain and apologise I suppose, and quietly hope he either grows up a bt or dumps the entitled mare

I thought this too. She was really stirring the pot.

Think I'd say okay. Then stop using the group chat. I wouldn't send her gifts and I'd actually end his too. As a grown man who never sends cards/gifts, he seems very entitled. It's actually embarrassing. I'd tell him, we're no longer doing gifts and cards as they're not reciprocated. I'd still send them to my daughter and her boyfriend, but tell them not to let on. Good behaviour should always be rewarded, bad behaviour should not.

Have you actually met either of these partners?

Crazy that the daughter, who is the only one to send OP birthday and Christmas cards and who is also living on the other side of the world and doesn’t know what presents OP sends to the brother, is getting the blame.

Why no blame for this entitled 27yo MAN who doesn’t even get his mum a birthday card and yet expects her to send GIFTS to his girlfriend abroad?

I do think it was thoughtless of you but if my son ever told me to "do better" I'd be asking him who the fuck he thinks he is talking to? He sounds disrespectful, you should address that with him and perhaps the situation with the gf will improve in the sense that he might actually ask her to make an effort to build a relationship with you as opposed to expecting you to like her when she makes no effort.

meh. The GF is very rude. The son is even ruder.

I don't give rude people the headspace of thinking about presents for them.

In this case? (I am very petty and vindictive) I'd send a Boots-own or Superdrug-own bath set, and have done with it.

Obviously you CAN’T say this as both PA and inflammatory but it would be so rage releasing to say

‘Darling, please don’t use that phrase with me again as I find it both sanctimonious and antagonistic. In fact, given that it’s never going to elicit the type of response you probably want, I’d suggest dropping it from the lexicon. Now - I’m so incredibly sorry, I obviously totally read the situation wrong, but I just (clearly mistakenly) assumed we weren’t doing cards or presents anymore as we didn’t get any from you? Do you want to have a think and let me know which way you’d rather play it, all do cards and presents or none? Happy to be guided by you. And of course we would love nothing more than to get to know Jane better, it would be brilliant to have the same relationship with her that we do with DDBF. Why don’t you bring her down for Sunday lunch this week or next, we can really push the boat out and welcome her to our home.’

Obviously no one will ever speak to you again but think of the SATISFACTION.

Bonus if she’s not called Jane.

How much were these vouchers btw? I bet they were super generous. You guys sound so lovely but also slightly like mugs. You are a person too, not just boring old mum, resource and service provider. Grr.

My oestrogen is dropping like a stone so I often enjoyably think out retorts I could never really say, it really helps I recommend it.

The intensity I mentioned is not about the couple. It's about the parents involvement and investment in two relationships involving young people which may or may not last. And also the supremely childish behaviour of the son and his girlfriend demanding that everything has to be exactly equal between him and his sister.
(FWIW I got engaged 5 months into my relationship. I've been married 7 years, but my husband is not on my immediate family WhatsApp chat, and nor are any of my siblings' spouses. It's just not necessary to have everyone communicating everything with everyone all at once right away.)

Since OP states her son does not send physical cards or gifts, seems like he could also do better. If you expect people to buy you birthday gifts, you should put in some effort to get to know them!

Let me know if I'm getting anything wrong. They've been together less than a year, so maybe Spring 2024. In October 2024 (so they'd been together 6 months), you visited and she cancelled on 4 meals you'd planned to have together.

Planning 4 evenings together when she's been with this boyfriend 6 months is extremely full on. Your son is a grown man of nearly 30. She might be socially anxious, or she wasn't ready for this level of closeness to his parents in a new relationship, or maybe she really was busy and thought if she goes to one she has to go to all of them.

I would never complain about not getting a present, but they've both probably realised you prefer your daughters boyfriend and wish she was more like that, before you've even gotten to know her.

For the sake of good relationships with both your children and their partners I'd just say sorry and try treat them the same from now on.

Planning 4 evenings together when she's been with this boyfriend 6 months is extremely full on.

I don't think it was four evenings together, it was four attempts to have one dinner together, that the GF kept cancelling.

Hopefully!

Son’s GF is being unreasonable. She couldn’t be bothered to make the effort with you when you visited DS, but she expects you to make the effort with her?

We had one meal planned, DS then rescheduled after cancelling every time. The last plans that included her were the night before we left. Of course we didn’t go with the intention of 4 meals.

Also if 7 months is too soon to meet, why are we expected to send a gift at 8 (we left the last day of October and her birthday is in the first few of December so literally 5 weeks in it).

I LOVE this. OP, please send this.

You shouldn't be but because you've added her to a family group chat and got your daughters boyfriend something, she knows she's being treated differently.

Has she even said anything to you? It might be mostly from your son

It sounds like your daughter is the favourite.

Can I ask what makes you say that?

please please OP do NOT jump to buying a present in response to this appalling message from your son. You evidently have a good relationship with him, so talk to him about why he thinks he can send you a message like that, why he thinks you should be spending money on a woman who shows no interest in meeting or speaking to you and why he himself doesn’t bother with presents or cards or any sort of gesture but wants his gf to be centred.

She does not sound nice and I would be concerned she is causing a scene with him and that she’s behind the “do better”
message. But that needs calling out!

Your son was very rude texting "Do better". I would never have spoken to my parents like that.

I think you have made a rod for your own back now and you will have to send birthday presents every year to both partners now.

We never send birthday or xmas presents to partners as it would be too much with 3 chidren and 5 grandchildren.

Had a quick chat with DS.

He apologised and said he doesn’t expect us to send anything now and he should have been so harsh.
He said he understands why we didn’t and has told his GF that our rules are we only buy gifts if they have been together over a year and have actually met them and she seemed to calm down after that. He then said she was having a bad week and got a bit hot headed.

We will talk about it more but I have to work so couldn’t have a proper chat!