To have gotten DDs BF a gift and not DS GF

[sophntheo]

DH and I have 2 adult children, both live far away from home now and we are very happy for them. DD is 23, she met her BF a little over a year ago, DS is 27 and met his GF just under a year ago.
Despite DD living on the other side of the world, I feel like I really “know” her BF, he is so lovely, we met him in the summer and you can just tell he adores DD and she does him, they make a lovely couple. Whenever DD FaceTimes and he is around he will always say hi, have a chat and ask about our lives and things we have told them about. He is just genuinely lovely and so supportive of DD too as she is about to start a course and will be out of full time work for several years and she was worried he would resent this but he is her biggest cheerleader.
On the other hand, we visited DS in October and over the 2 weeks didn’t meet his GF, said she was busy/tired etc. We have met her on FaceTime 2 times and spoke to her on the phone once.

DDs BFs birthday was today, he has a very specific interest and we were able to find a gift he would love, we sent it to him. DD sent a video to the family group chat of him opening it, it was very sweet and he was so grateful. DS and his GF are in this group chat too.

Now DS has messaged me saying that they have seen the video and it’s made his GF upset that we have sent DDs BF a gift but didn’t send one for her birthday last month. I gently explained that we don’t really know her at all and we wouldn’t have gotten him anything if it hadn’t been for seeing something he’d love. DS just messaged with “Do better” .

For Christmas we sent our children gifts and then got each couple a joint gift - sports tickets for one and concert for the others.

Was it unreasonable to not get her a gift when we don’t really know her?

my Mum used to do this, my brother would only visit her on his birthday and at Christmas (if she was lucky to get a visit, sometimes he just sent the kids while he stayed at home) and his wife always commented negatively on the gifts she recieved. Even telling us one day that a gift we had purchased for my niece was ghastly!!!

Therefore my mum doesn’t treat us all the same, she treats the people well who treat her well.its taken her a long time to do it but you reap what you sow.

she treats my dh as a son and my brother now gets a token gift and his wife gets nothing.

Glad you talked to him. Sounds positive, which is great.

I would resent being told to ‘Do better’ by one of my kids. I would tell him to never fucking speak to me like that again. Entitled adult brat.

That’s concerning. This was all his gf kicking off. Having a bad week. Needing to calm down. And rather than him manage this with her, his response was to send her message “do better” to you. I’d be chatting to him about that a bit more if you can.

Does she often have bad weeks, fly off the handle, be irrationally over sensitive about things like this? Why did she keep cancelling the meet up? What would
he like to see as an ideal family relationship / involvement? Perhaps he sees what his sister has and wishes his partner was easy going and keen to get to know you like his sister’s partner.

This may be a wake up call for him - is his gf allowing him to be his true self (it may be less family interaction in something he prefers) or is she preventing this and making his life difficult and like treading on eggshells?

you sound like a lovely family and it would be a shame if his choice of partner cuts him off from that.

So he never wants to talk about her to you , she’s never wanted to meet you or even get introduced virtually, she’s had a bad week , got hot headed because she wasn’t given a birthday gift by a complete stranger, and he had to manage to calm her down . If this was reversed into a male people would be of the opinion he was an arse and big red flags .

I think it is kind of wild to expect gifts from your bf's parents that you've never met. And I find it weird that others think it is totally normal and they should.do it for "equality".

Yeah I think this was rude op. You should have got them both a gift. Maybe the gf had stuff going on that she didn't want to share with you at the time, maybe she's following your ds lead if you say he doesn't overly bother with you. You've made a distinction based on how much you like each of them which is reflected in your post otherwise it wouldn't even be worth mentioning how often you talk to dds bf and how civil he is etc. It wouldn't have been that hard to ask your ds what she might like or to get her a voucher on your behalf.

I think you need to start as you mean to go on given that this could end up being your dil and mother of your gc one day - make the effort, make her welcome, treat her like everyone else and be sensitive to how you're coming across. Putting it in the group chat she was in knowing you got her nothing is actually quite hurtful. Your son was absolutely right to call you out on that and you should be proud of him for standing up for his partner.

The other thing is you say they're together less than a year, but they're adults - this isn't teen relationships that often go nowhere. If she's important to your son she should be important to you.

Well, that's easy then, just don't send either of them gifts. Why on earth would he expect you to buy a birthday gift for his GF who couldn't be arsed to see you when you visited?
And I'd have gone nuclear at the "do better" comment.

im not a loon, and I’ll respond despite you being a rude idiot: if she displays the fact in a shared group that they buy something for the daughters boyfriend, then they can’t be surprised that the person who didn’t get anything feels left out. A message, card or anything would surely be sufficient. Or the best option: just don’t put it on the group chat.

But OP didn't put it on the group chat, her daughter did.

While I think it was a mistake to you to buy for one for one partner and not the other, the far bigger mistake is your son telling you curtly to 'do better'. How dare he? Especially as he doesn't send you (or anyone) gifts. I would tell him in no uncertain terms that what goes around, comes around and that he and his girlfriend need to do better. I would be furious. I would also phone and talk, rather than texting. The first thing I would need to establish was whether he himself wrote the 'Do better' text or whether it was the girlfriend on his phone.

@sophntheo Your son sounds entitled. I can't believe he doesn't even get you a card for your birthday and then he's not happy because you're not catering to his gf birthday. And the gf has made zero efforts to see you while you were there. I would not tolerate this kind of behaviour from my son and he knows that so wouldn't behave that way. I suspect you have spoilt him into being a selfish person so that's what he is.

This is amazing. I'd definitely be sending it.

We have group chats for all sorts of different combinations in our family.
One example I used this week where I was only telling my dc, not their partners, was that someone they knew, growing up, had died.
The partners wouldn't know the person so no interest to them.
But I might also use it for (ironically in this thread) asking for present ideas, or checking if someone had already got X off a list of suggestions, so nice things as well.
But we have groups with all sorts of combos in.

It's annoying to have a conversation pinging into your phone that isn't anything to do with you.

Your update is quite concerning. I'd talk to him about how she treats him. Her being this horrible to him over a gift is not healthy.

I agree with this, and with @Agapornis just above.

The OP IS treating partners equally.

Once they have got to know the partner, then they are bought a present.

The ds's gf has refused to take up all the chances she had to meet his parents. Seems odd behaviour to me, but that is the choice she made. Having made that choice, then she obviously hasn't started to build any sort of relationship with the family, and, surely nobody buys birthday presents for people they have never met, let aloe have no actual relationship with ?

Your son is rude. 'Do better'. He can do that - and his girlfriend too. Obnoxious pair.

OP has never met the woman, knows nothing about her and didn't know it was her birthday.

Remind us why she should have bought her a birthday gift????

Well glad you talked it out. I’m still concerned about your son’s rude response which seems to be a reaction to please his upset gf. Telling your mother “do better” is very rude and unacceptable to me but maybe it isn’t to you.

Also I would get rid of the group chat or just stop using it and send messages directly to your DD and DS because if you delete it his GF will probably get upset again that you’re cutting her off. And from what I’ve read she doesn’t really engage in the group chat anyway right?

I really don’t see why you need a group chat with your kids and their BF and GF of one year, I can understand when they are married or in serious long term relationship etc. That group chat will just continue to cause unnecessary drama.

That's just horrible and I don't blame your son at all for his reaction.

Because you make excuses for her, you seem to prefer her partner and make more effort, you are not doing everything to make it right between you and your son. If it was your daughter who was upset I am sure it would bother you more.

In this scenario, if my DS told me to “do better” I would not be impressed. AT ALL.

The GF needs to grow up.

I'd send this.

I think your son is a entitled cheeky fucker. He doesn't do presents or cards but expects you to DO BETTER and get a gift for someone who didn't even grace you with their presence.

The son doesn’t make any effort for his GF to meet and know his parents, he doesn’t care about getting anyone gifts for their birthdays, DS and his amazing GF didn’t even wish his sisters BF a happy birthday despite the fact they are all on a group chat because it’s all about his GF and her feelings.

While OP should have gotten her a token gift I also see where OP is coming from, relationships are a two way street not DS and his GF pushing people away then getting upset that they are not treated the same.

Peolle keep saying OP needs tk get her an equal gift to about his GF pushing her away. I saw she is spreading pushing her away and the gift is to try to buy a relationship with GF.

And the son’s response to his mother to “do better” says a lot more about her son. That was so rude all because his river didn’t buy a gift for his GF who they haven’t met and don’t really know. It says a lot more about her son’s attitude to me. It looks like it was something he did to make his GF feel better and he doesn’t care if he insults his parents as long as his GF isn’t upset.