To have gotten DDs BF a gift and not DS GF

[sophntheo]

DH and I have 2 adult children, both live far away from home now and we are very happy for them. DD is 23, she met her BF a little over a year ago, DS is 27 and met his GF just under a year ago.
Despite DD living on the other side of the world, I feel like I really “know” her BF, he is so lovely, we met him in the summer and you can just tell he adores DD and she does him, they make a lovely couple. Whenever DD FaceTimes and he is around he will always say hi, have a chat and ask about our lives and things we have told them about. He is just genuinely lovely and so supportive of DD too as she is about to start a course and will be out of full time work for several years and she was worried he would resent this but he is her biggest cheerleader.
On the other hand, we visited DS in October and over the 2 weeks didn’t meet his GF, said she was busy/tired etc. We have met her on FaceTime 2 times and spoke to her on the phone once.

DDs BFs birthday was today, he has a very specific interest and we were able to find a gift he would love, we sent it to him. DD sent a video to the family group chat of him opening it, it was very sweet and he was so grateful. DS and his GF are in this group chat too.

Now DS has messaged me saying that they have seen the video and it’s made his GF upset that we have sent DDs BF a gift but didn’t send one for her birthday last month. I gently explained that we don’t really know her at all and we wouldn’t have gotten him anything if it hadn’t been for seeing something he’d love. DS just messaged with “Do better” .

For Christmas we sent our children gifts and then got each couple a joint gift - sports tickets for one and concert for the others.

Was it unreasonable to not get her a gift when we don’t really know her?

This!

Your son needs to 'do better'.

And people wonder why some daughters-in-law quite often don't get on with some of their mothers-in-law????
Reap what you sow and for what it's worth OP, would it have hurt to send the GF a small token gift for her birthday?

Doesn't "reap what you sow" also apply to the girlfriend MyDeftDuck?

She failed to turn up 4 times to meet her boyfriend's parents for dinner during their visit which surely has some bearing on the quality of the relationship?

Why on earth should the gf expect a gift at all. Weird.

@MyDeftDuck this ‘DIL’ has refused to meet the ‘MIL’. Doesn’t speak to her on FaceTime, even a quick hello. She really hasn’t got a leg to stand on to complain about MIL

Are you sure this is coming from the GF as not DS? Id be tempted to send her a message to see. DS is rude and entitled, GF possibly is too

I wouldn't bother now- but probably token gift next year. She makes no effort to involve herself (4 cancelled dinners in 2 weeks is juts rude) he never talks about her, you never talk to her, and you didn't know when her birthday was or what she likes as you have no contact with them. Your daughter's boyfriend shares a conversation with you and you know his interests. Id also maybe explain to your son that you'd like to know more about her but that he's not making that easy

You need to treat your children’s partners equally — it’s part of treating your children equally.

And don’t let partners into the family group chat.

This, I find that strange.

And to have the bf open his present with the gf on the group chat - whom you didn't buy a present - not nice.

This is the problem with things like WhatsApp group chats though, they cause so much drama - all of this could've been avoided if you weren't all so in one another's business.

the young man in question NEVER sends cards/gifts - not even to his own mother - and he had the fucking cheek to say "do better"?

Big also this, yes! Cheeky sod, I'd rip him a new one - he sounds like a supercilious arse speaking to his mother like that.

I actually don't jinn you should get her anything. You won't know her. She refused to come to meet you. Why WOULD you get her anything?

She and your DS are acting very entitled, because you did a nice thing for somebody else.

When the next family birthday is approaching, remind your son, send him a list of present suggestions, and say that obviously "doing better" needs to be reciprocal from now on.

I'm so grateful my parents treat me and my 3 siblings exactly the same and our other halfs, and I will do the exact same with my 4. Shouldn't matter who you get on best with etc not everyone wants to be right in the middle of the family but treating them the same shouldn't even have to be thought about. And who knows why she didn't come see you, maybe she suffers from anxiety or something but hey you owe her a nice card at least 🤭

I think your DS has a cheek when he doesn't buy anyone. gift but is telling off for not sending a gift.

To keep it fair you added them but then put your unfair behaviour on display like this. Have you for once considered maybe that your son made excuses on her behalf because he thought it was too soon for you to meet? Which btw is entirely fair because they haven’t been together long at that point. I don’t blame them at all for being miffed at this.

It's fine to feel differently about the relationships, but having it spelled out so clearly to everyone involved was bound to cause problems

Btw even if you were reasonable to only buy something for the BF - putting that I. The group chat was unecessarily goady. That he’s not buying for others doesn’t justify rubbing it in her face.

It's not making a big deal out of it. It's including others. When you have family thatnlivrs far apart to get the closeness you need to find other ways. I film and send gift reactions to my fathers every year from my kids and at Christmas. Thst way they get the enjoyment of their enjoyment.

Simply different to how you do it. I would be very disappointed if ds or dd didn't send me photos/videos of presents being unwrapped. I love to see the reactions. For me the gift giving is about thebpleasure the other person gets.

I don't think YABU. She hasn't made any efforts to be close to you and DH and therefore, only has herself to blame. Plus i would have told DS to tell his gf to also do better and maybe this way, you'd be more receptive to getting her a present next time. You were there for 2wks, his gf never showed up once for even 2mins, this shows she clearly thinks nothing of you guys and yet, she wants a present...what a comedian.

Too soon to meet but they have to buy her presents lmfao

Totally unreasonable

I wouldn't have bought a gift for someone I've never met either

People are contorting themselves into absolute knots to find a way to ensure the OP is beyond unreasonable. 😂

You’re not, OP. You’re a close family. Having a family WhatsApp group isn’t as unbelievable as some posters would have us believe. (They’re just trying to bolster themselves with the sport of OP bashing) Your son is being very precious and insanely lacking in self awareness. He’ll get there. I imagine the new miserable girlfriend has caused the change in him.

Why the fuck should they buy presents for someone their son feels it was ‘too soon’ for them to meet? You loon. 😂

Your son sounds rude and entitled. “Do better” when they didn’t send anything for your birthdays themselves? pfff