To have gotten DDs BF a gift and not DS GF

[sophntheo]

DH and I have 2 adult children, both live far away from home now and we are very happy for them. DD is 23, she met her BF a little over a year ago, DS is 27 and met his GF just under a year ago.
Despite DD living on the other side of the world, I feel like I really “know” her BF, he is so lovely, we met him in the summer and you can just tell he adores DD and she does him, they make a lovely couple. Whenever DD FaceTimes and he is around he will always say hi, have a chat and ask about our lives and things we have told them about. He is just genuinely lovely and so supportive of DD too as she is about to start a course and will be out of full time work for several years and she was worried he would resent this but he is her biggest cheerleader.
On the other hand, we visited DS in October and over the 2 weeks didn’t meet his GF, said she was busy/tired etc. We have met her on FaceTime 2 times and spoke to her on the phone once.

DDs BFs birthday was today, he has a very specific interest and we were able to find a gift he would love, we sent it to him. DD sent a video to the family group chat of him opening it, it was very sweet and he was so grateful. DS and his GF are in this group chat too.

Now DS has messaged me saying that they have seen the video and it’s made his GF upset that we have sent DDs BF a gift but didn’t send one for her birthday last month. I gently explained that we don’t really know her at all and we wouldn’t have gotten him anything if it hadn’t been for seeing something he’d love. DS just messaged with “Do better” .

For Christmas we sent our children gifts and then got each couple a joint gift - sports tickets for one and concert for the others.

Was it unreasonable to not get her a gift when we don’t really know her?

Which is all fine for the couple involved, but generally speaking it still doesn’t make them family in the way a partner of 5 or 10 years is. Lots of people have multiple relationships of around a year duration in their 20s and 30s. If the parents treated each of them as a special potential future family member they’d go mental.

Maybe he also talks to her like that and she’s in the process of extricating herself from the relationship … hence not wanting to meet the parents.

I think you are thinking of this the wrong way around. The partners of your children whether you like them or not have been chosen by your children. By purchasing gifts for one child's partner and not the other you are appearing to favour one child over the other.

It isn't about you and who you do and don't get on with / feel puts in an effort. It's about your children, treat your children equally.

I usually think accusations of clueless/spoilt younger generations are overplayed, but when you hear a 27 year old man speaking like a bratty 13 year old it does make you wonder.

Good point - could well be the case. You can tell a lot about someone from how they react to a minor conflict.

Treat your children and their partners the same if you want yo maintain good family relations going forward. All the justifications in your post are basically ‘you like DD’s boyfriend more’’.

I’d just say that you had no idea when the girlfriend’s birthday was or what she liked and if he wants to remedy any of that it’s on him/ them. All of this competitive fire giving/ comparing is completely mad, if I see something I know a friend would like I might buy it for them one year, maybe nothing the next. Apart from my siblings, kids and partner who I would always buy for I am not going to be emotionally blackmailed into it.

I would not expect a gift from a boyfriend of a year’s parents.

And if my kids were so rude to me I probably wouldn’t buy them a gift either.

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP. This is a person who has never met you despite having chances to, and whose birthday no one told you about in advance. Of course you didn't get her a gift. 'Do better ' would make my blood boil - how patronising! I would definitely reply quite bluntly that unfortunately we've never her met her despite invitations, and you didn't tell us in advance when her birthday was. Hopefully by next birthday we will know her better'.

I do find it odd she's on the main family group chat though, if you hardly know her. She probably does feel like an outsider on that, and I was you or your dd I'd find it a bit odd that a practical stranger was seeing all the messages!

I think you could reframe the 'do better - ' both in your mind and your response - to 'get to know her better'. Which you all need to work on together.

Speak to your DS about it by phone not text, since tone can be misunderstood on text, and apologise to your DS for upsetting her, and agree with him that you absolutely need to get to know her better since you really want to welcome her into your family (you really need to mean this, he'll be alert to any snideness), and work together on how that can happen.

You can change how a relationship works, you're not powerless. But you do need to be respectful of other people and work with them (and expect the same in return).

Be very, very careful never to compare her to your DD's BF with a single word. No 'DDBF joins DD on WhatsApp calls'. Centre it around your DS's GF 'Tell us a bit about things you've done together. Maybe she can join our WhatsApp call for a few minutes occasionally so we can get to know her. Then she might feel more comfortable coming with you when you visit - we'd love that'

To be fair, not everyone has 'hobbies'. I wouldn't know what to say if someone kept asking me about mine either....

But he makes more of an effort. It’s a two way street.

What sort of interaction does the girlfriend have in this group chat? Why is she in it of you don't know her - did your son set it up?

In reality you don't know either of your children's partners. You've only regular interaction is virtual.

In reality you've no clue, unless they came directly from her, if the excuses for not meeting came from her or your son made them up and same with her being upset about the lack of present. Obviously it's possibly these interactions came from her - don't know but so far you have written it as your son reporting everything to you. It's interesting your relationship with his last girlfriend is so different too - might be the distance thing or might be he doesn't need you to provide anything to this relationship.

Same way you don't know your daughter's boyfriend either. You've no idea if he could be "love bombing" her and making a great show of how wonderful he is with every interaction with you have with him. He could be this fabulous man of course who takes every opportunity to be pleasant abd interested in you, but fact is your not in a position to make that assessment probably.

Only thing you can be certain of is that "do better" from your son was incredibly rude.

I would reply I didn’t think to buy gifts as you haven’t sent gifts or cards for years so I was just following your lead.

maybe the girlfriend should do better, you made the effort to visit your son and in the full time you were there she didn’t make the effort to meet you. Not exactly building relationships.

Your son sounds entitled as is his girlfriend.
I'd speak to him because if my son sent me a text saying do better he'd be called out for bring rude. I'd also have said it was rude of his girlfriend not to pop over when you were there for 2 weeks. Tiredness is a piss poor excuse to doll out over the course of 2 weeks. If she's that tired at her age them she needs to see her go for some blood tests. You say you aren't fussed if he doesn't give you gifts but why doesn't he? He does for his girlfriend so why not for his parents? It isnt about monetary value but showing appreciation and thoughtfulness towards each other and I'd be reminding him of that too.

Yes you could have got her a token gift aftet you found out about her birthday such as flowers but then I have a feeling that they would have been upset that your gift was a bit generic compared to dd's boyfriends which was thoughtful.

Although I've said you are not being unreasonable, I would bare in mind you would have to be quite sociable / extrovert / confident to act like your DDs bf does, so please don't compare them on that front. Lots of people wouldn't want to join a video call with someone they barely know. Nothing wrong with being more introverted.

But that doesn't change the fact it's mad to expect someone to buy a birthday gift for someone they've never met...

You DS is rude. As is his entitled GF. No child of mine would ever send a message telling me to 'do better'

I'd suggest you are NOT BU here and remind your adult son to have some manners.

A group chat with you all... a group chat with just your kids... really ? Why ? If you all have a group chat together what could you possibly need to say to each other in private as a 4 that you can't say to their partners. 🤔

We only made the group chat with all of us in December when DD and her BF moved in together.
We had a group chat before that with just the kids. It naturally isn’t active anymore.

You’ve never met her but you do sound like you’ve taken against her and you spent a lot of the OP time explaining why the Bf is so much better. It might feel like justifying the different treatment but o actually think it makes it worse as it’s really clear how much you prefer him. I’d try to let go of that a bit- just as you’re not supposed to rate your children objectively and decide one is better , you shouldn’t really do it to their partners either. She’s potentially in you life because she’s your son’s girlfriend, not because you’ve chosen her. No need to play favourites. (And I’m not really talking about presents here but about your tone.)

(I also wouldn’t assume it’s true that she was just too busy to meet you. There are all sorts of reasons why either she or your son might not feel ready for that step and “too busy” would be an easy way of avoiding it.)

TLDR- not unreasonable about the presents but unreasonable generally.

I can't even finish reading this thread, with all the posts instructing OP that she must give nice gifts to a young woman who makes no effort to get to know her, in fact avoided OP when she made the effort, and has never sent her a card, gift or a birthday text. What the hell?

This is casting some light on all the equally incomprehensible threads whining about MILs who don't treat "the mothers of their grandchildren" as much-loved extra daughters despite never acting like one.

It should be blindingly obvious to both DS and his girlfriend that relationships work both ways. Put nothing in and you get nothing out. Since they seem to be too self-centred and entitled to have grasped this simple fact of life, I reckon the most generous thing you can do for them right now, OP, is spell it out clearly.

I don't think anyone's entirely reasonable or unreasonable here.

Yes, ultimately I think you should have got the GF a present. When you bought one for the BF you should have thought, this isn't something we did when it was the GF's birthday recently, so we can rectify that even if it's a bit late.

That said you'd be perfectly within your rights to tell your son to do better as well! Especially when it comes to him not doing anything for your birthdays. While I think you should've got the GF a present, I don't think he has a leg to stand on castigating you when he doesn't step up for others' birthdays.

I wouldn't necessarily read too much into the GF not meeting you when you went out there. She might have had something going on that your son didn't tell you about (health, family, work or university?). He obviously isn't telling you much about the relationship for whatever reason - I suspect it's because he was burned by his ex becoming "part of the family" and that not working out, in which case there's nothing you can really do about that. But even though you're not going to be as close as easily with her you should still be mindful to treat her equally to the BF.

I do think this is very early for all partners to be added to a communal WhatsApp group and in her position I don't think I'd be contributing much either!

My husband isn't in my family group chat, either is my BIL or SIL. It's just weird to have them in there, living together or not. Bin the new chat and go back to your original one

Hello. I understand your reasoning but I think you need to be neutral with the partners of your children. Even if you don’t know her that well you could get something like a candle and bubble bath kind of thing or something else or ask your son. The only impact of not doing so is that will cause upset.

Do better 😡 ! I’m another one saying shed better start doing better also by showing up! However, I’d still have bought a small gift, rise above it and don’t let any more resentment build.. but your son needs to know you thoughts on her distinct lack of effort on her part!

Your son seems very entitled - he has told you to "do better" regarding a gift for his girlfriend whilst not bothering to give gifts to you at all himself. He is in no position to demand anything. The phrase "do better" sounds sanctimonious from someone with such double standards