To have gotten DDs BF a gift and not DS GF

[sophntheo]

DH and I have 2 adult children, both live far away from home now and we are very happy for them. DD is 23, she met her BF a little over a year ago, DS is 27 and met his GF just under a year ago.
Despite DD living on the other side of the world, I feel like I really “know” her BF, he is so lovely, we met him in the summer and you can just tell he adores DD and she does him, they make a lovely couple. Whenever DD FaceTimes and he is around he will always say hi, have a chat and ask about our lives and things we have told them about. He is just genuinely lovely and so supportive of DD too as she is about to start a course and will be out of full time work for several years and she was worried he would resent this but he is her biggest cheerleader.
On the other hand, we visited DS in October and over the 2 weeks didn’t meet his GF, said she was busy/tired etc. We have met her on FaceTime 2 times and spoke to her on the phone once.

DDs BFs birthday was today, he has a very specific interest and we were able to find a gift he would love, we sent it to him. DD sent a video to the family group chat of him opening it, it was very sweet and he was so grateful. DS and his GF are in this group chat too.

Now DS has messaged me saying that they have seen the video and it’s made his GF upset that we have sent DDs BF a gift but didn’t send one for her birthday last month. I gently explained that we don’t really know her at all and we wouldn’t have gotten him anything if it hadn’t been for seeing something he’d love. DS just messaged with “Do better” .

For Christmas we sent our children gifts and then got each couple a joint gift - sports tickets for one and concert for the others.

Was it unreasonable to not get her a gift when we don’t really know her?

Have you actually read all of OP 's posts?
Of course you haven't, or you wouldn't post something so ridiculous.

But she left herself out.
They have an actual realtionship with their SIL

None with her

These are adults. Not children. They don't need to be 'fair' they have individual relationships.

And also if their relationship is better with their daughter because she is a nicer more pleasant person to be around then they don't have to run around proving to him she's not the favourite
He should be wondering where he's gone wrong

If my son sent me a message like that I'd be seriously pissed off. I wouldn't reply saying, "she couldn't be arsed to meet us for an entire fortnight, remember? I've never laid eyes on the woman, even." I might feel like it, but I wouldn't actually send it. But I might well say, "We've not actually met Mary yet. I know you've been going out for 11 months, and we'd love to meet her, but unlike John we haven't had any direct contact."

And does that not work both ways, I thought relationships generally did? This is the girlfriend who couldn't even be arsed to say "hi".

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all OP. She quite pointedly, didn’t make any effort to build a relationship with you in the 2 weeks you were visiting, cancelling plans to include her, four times, -so presumably wouldn’t even be expecting a gift from you. You didn’t even know it was her birthday in time enough to get a present to her.

I have learned, the hard way that it’s always best to do the positive thing in that sort of situation if only to prevent upset for my son. I would hate to be the cause of an argument between them and you can see how easily that happens with family stuff on group chats that you can’t always control. I would send a bunch of flowers with a genuine apology if you can muster one. Something like how sorry you are she has been upset but look forward to getting to know her next time you go to see your son.

What I would really find difficult with your story is the message from your son telling you to ‘do better’ especially after you had gently explained your position.
Those words would crush me and Id be rendered speechless. The more you describe your normally lovely chatty son, the more those words sound quite chilling and out of character. I would be worrying a bit about the suitability of this girl for him.

Yeah but how well do they have to know the GF or boyfriend? It all gets very subjective and murky — not helped by the fact that they’re all in one group chat so the different treatment is visible. I’d agree with you if it wasn’t for that.

Really they need a policy document and a clear set of qualifying processes.

eg: meet for two successive dinners and they become the official plus one and entitled to receive a birthday card and a Christmas card addressed jointly to them and partner (OP’s child)

After six months AND a voluntary 1 to 1 coffee or lunch with the OP they are granted admission to the family WhatsApp.

All birthdays after admission to the family WhatsApp are marked by both a card and a present from the OP, which must be demonstrably equal in value to the gift given to the other partner. You could of course have a system of promotion to higher value gifts, earnt through hosting Christmas, choosing the partner’s family over their own, etc. And penalty points could be given for not calling once a week, not showing sufficient interest in nieces and nephews when they come along etc.

I think this would be quite a good system. Mumsnet should publish it, along with a general etiquette guide and tips on making conversation with strangers.

Lots of people at fault.

You should have sent a token gift to son's girlfriend in the first place. It's unhelpful to you to not treat both your children, and by extension their partners, the same. Now you've bought a gift for a hobby he really likes it is clear you are very invested in him,

Lazy girlfriend who made no effort to meet.

Lazy son who makes no effort for you in terms of appreciation but wants it for him and girlfriend. And writing "Do better"? Disrespectful - but if you had sent a token gift this wouldn't have been possible.

No idea whatsoever why girlfriend and boyfriend are in a group family app after only one year. Irrelevant boyfriend and daughter live together - wasn't necessary. Then you had to include son's girlfriend which was the wrong time to "be fair".

Your daughter should have sent the video to you directly and not in the group. Absolutely no sense of how things play out in a group and when to dial it down. Of course the girlfriend would make a comparison.

"Do better" is already the seed for estrangement and having no relationship with girlfriend. They live far away. You may want to have a relationship with your son and future grandchildren. This could be the first nail in the coffin and a future DIL who won't facilitate a relationship for you with your thoughtless son who has never sent you gifts or cards.

🤔

Oh the irony!! Yet you need to step up, do better and buy someone you've never met a present. Holy cow 😂What is it with these people??

And when should they have sent the gift?
Considering they didn't know her birthday until the Prince decided to mention it the day before.

You were unreasonable in not buying even a token gift.

Your Son is an absolute knob for saying "Do better" to someone who generally sounds like an involved, caring and supportive Parent, especially as it sounds suspiciously like he avoided you meeting her over your 2 week holiday with him. I'm not sure I'd be buying him a gift for his next birthday.

You nailed it and I find it interesting that OP has avoided talking about how rude her son was with his statement, it hopefully things are resolved.

I also don’t get why they all have to be in a group chat at this stage, unnecessary and it will just lead to more drama.

@Snoopdoggydog123

Totally get your point in this. I read OP reply
"I didn’t actually know her birthday until the day before when DS messaged the group chat we have with just our kids asking for help wrapping the gifts."

When to send the token gift? The day she saw her ingrate son messaging the app to ask with help with gift wrapping.

It would have been a token gift at this stage to build good relationships, chocolates, wine etc.

I also see OP say she didn't know she would send the boyfriend a gift later in the year so thought nothing of not sending a present to girlfriend at that time. True. In that case, I would probably have decided not to send the boyfriend a gift this calendar year. Maybe wait a bit.

Think it is far too soon to be in a group app with them in one year. Son is a massive knob. Daughter's video of boyfriend unwrapping wasn't for group broadcast either. Everyone promoting themselves with no thought for others. Then everyone is upset.

Hope it works out OP!

OP - you are being totally unreasonable but if your DD knows that you didn’t get your DS GF a gift then she shouldn’t have posted it on the family group…

Interesting- so this did come from the girlfriend originally not DS. She sounds like a prima Donna. Of course you don’t buy a gift for someone when
a) you don’t know it’s their birthday
b) you have never met them
c ) they were either rude / disinterested cancelling 4 meals / opportunities to meet you

DS is massively out of order saying ‘do better’ when he doesn’t send you cards or gifts. He and GF need to do better.

DD should not have posted the video on the group chat. It’s asking for trouble .

Why on earth are these short term partners on a family chat?

I was thinking maybe the cancelling/being tired might be because she has an illness/chronically ill. I often have to cancel things (and often last minute. Awful I know but I can't predict when I'm going to struggle and people do understand) because of this and he might not think it's his place to tell her private medical information (I had someone do this and it still annoys me years later) and doesn't like talking about her because she's stuck in her illness so often doesn't do much "exciting" and he doesn't want to have to explain that, iyswim?

BUT then I read your latest update about how she got "hot headed" and now my worry would be... Does it happen often? What happens exactly when she gets "hot headed"? Was the cancelling of dinner because she hoped your DS would stay with her and not see you? Does he not like talking about her because she knows he's stuck in a controlling/abusive relationship?

I've been with my husband nearly 20 years and I never expected a gift from any of his family but I always bought for them (they do buy for me which is lovely) and it wouldn't have bothered me if they didn't buy for me but bought SIL BF a gift. It doesn't matter to me enough to have a tantrum become "hot headed" about.

I'd definitely try to talk longer with your son and try to get more insight. Maybe I'm pulling things out of thin air but maybe not?

Good grief, the girl couldn't be bothered to pop over once in two weeks and now she is moaning she didn't get a present? Is she six?

I'm inclined to think that if DS's partner couldn't be bothered to make an effort to meet the OP when she invested significant time and money to visit DS, why should the OP make an effort to buy her a gift? Actions ==> consequences.

Great that he apologised, that was a very rude remark and entitled behaviour.

Hope he doesn't normally speak to you this way/let him get away with it.

I wonder if your sons girlfriend actually wanted to be added to a family what's app chat group.
That seems intense to me , having the boyfriend and girlfriend in a family chat after only a year .
I'm married to my dh for 32 years and I'm not in a family what's app chat with his parents and siblings,and normally would I want to be ..you comment that the girlfriend is quiet in the what's app group ..I'm not surprised..
Personally I'd go back to using a family what's app with just the 4 of you ...had you of used that to start with ,all this drama could of been avoided

Nor would I want to be

I wouldn't buy gifts for my child's partner of a year who I've only met a couple of times. I wouldn't even know or ask when their birthday was. I've never revived a birthday gift from a bf's mum. It would be embarrassing. They'd feel they must reciprocate.
So you shouldn't have sent it to either of them in my view. Maybe if they have been together several years and you are very close, but it doesn't sound that way right now.

I agree - why would you buy a gift for someone you haven’t even met. I think that’s a bit creepy!

Sorry this was very unreasonable and I would be miffed if I was your DS. Sorry. Just treat them both the same otherwise it breeds resentment.

Did you see that the son has apologised for his awful behaviour?

If OP had told son not to add his girlfriend to the family WhatsApp group, she’d probably have got told off for that too.