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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant again but already have 9 month old twins - Is it possible to manage 3 under 18 months?!

142 replies

OnePintWonder · 15/01/2025 21:44

So the title says it all...

Despite using condoms, I've just found out I'm pregnant again. Based on my LMP I think I'm about 5-6 weeks.

Whilst we talked about my partner having the snip when I was pregnant with the twins, after they were born he never mentioned it again. I made a few hints about it but he never seemed to take any action and we continued to rely on condoms.

I'm really conflicted - I fully understand when people don't continue with pregnancy when they aren't ready or not in the right relationship.... but we are both nearly 40, both have good careers and absolutely adore my partner... the thought of having an abortion makes me feel uncomfortable but I'm worried about how to manage with 3 kids under 18 months.

AIBU to have an abortion purely because I don't think we/I can mange 3 kids under 18months?

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 15/01/2025 21:46

No help here but as you've already had multiples, do you have a higher chance of another twin pregnancy?

LocalHer0e · 15/01/2025 21:46

I had surprise twins who arrived 3 months early when ds1 was 9 months.

They're all in their 30s now but oh my god it was so hard. No judgement from me

2025willbemytime · 15/01/2025 21:46

I think after you have had the baby, or the termination if that is what is best for you, then stop with the hints and tell him you'd like him to get a vasectomy. Is he willing and if not then you give your response.

MiddleAgedDread · 15/01/2025 21:48

It’s not just their ages now it’s the future you need to consider too…..3 children living at home, cost of childcare, size of car for 3 car seats, family holidays (often geared to 4 not 5), cost of extra curricular activities, thinking ahead to uni fees etc etc

Ilovecakey · 15/01/2025 21:48

Crunchymum · 15/01/2025 21:46

No help here but as you've already had multiples, do you have a higher chance of another twin pregnancy?

I have twins too and I read you have a 1 in 12 chance of having twins again once you've had them. I follow someone on IG who had one set on twins at 41 then another set at 42 all girls

PizzaPunk · 15/01/2025 21:49

YANBU to have an abortion for any reason.

But whatever you decide to do, you two need an adult conversation about whether he wants to get the snip or not.

No hinting, just actual talking.

Porcuporpoise · 15/01/2025 21:49

That's a perfectly valid reason to terminate but, as you feel conflicted, maybe take some time time think through the practicalities of 3 under 18 months, esp wrt what support you will have (or can buy). I can imagine the first year or two would be brutal but that's not the same as impossible. Think through the financial implications also.

Dillydollydingdong · 15/01/2025 21:50

Surely if you've already got 2 tiny ones, another won't make much difference? And if you've both got good careers you can afford childcare or a nanny? What about help from family? And the babies won't stay babies forever, they'll soon be beyond that baby stage. I think you've got to bite the bullet. The deed is done. And insist he gets the snip now! 😀

couch2wtf · 15/01/2025 21:51

My granny had 2 under 1 - absolutely unbelievable but she managed it!

bridgetreilly · 15/01/2025 21:51

The advantage of having them with a short gap is that you get through the baby stage all in one go. Three is certainly more work than two, but people manage. Can the twins go to nursery when the baby is born, to give you a little more breathing space? Could you afford a cleaner for the first couple of years until they’re all at nursery or even school?

anicecuppateaa · 15/01/2025 21:53

I have just over a 2 year gap between my twins and singleton. You absolutely can do this if you want to but equally its ok to prioritise the family you already have and terminate the pregnancy.

Original poster
OnePintWonder · 15/01/2025 21:54

bridgetreilly · 15/01/2025 21:51

The advantage of having them with a short gap is that you get through the baby stage all in one go. Three is certainly more work than two, but people manage. Can the twins go to nursery when the baby is born, to give you a little more breathing space? Could you afford a cleaner for the first couple of years until they’re all at nursery or even school?

So we have a cleaner already and will likely transition to having a nanny next year when we move house.

My partner works away a fair bit so hence me saying we/I as whilst he's great, he's away so much that the bulk of the work would fall to me by default.

OP posts:
SalmonWellington · 15/01/2025 21:54

The deed isn't done. It's a perfectly valid, moral decision to have an abortion. Just as it would be not to have one.

Original poster
OnePintWonder · 15/01/2025 21:55

PizzaPunk · 15/01/2025 21:49

YANBU to have an abortion for any reason.

But whatever you decide to do, you two need an adult conversation about whether he wants to get the snip or not.

No hinting, just actual talking.

Oh I know - regardless of what we decide, its time for some action on his side!

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 15/01/2025 21:56

OnePintWonder · 15/01/2025 21:54

So we have a cleaner already and will likely transition to having a nanny next year when we move house.

My partner works away a fair bit so hence me saying we/I as whilst he's great, he's away so much that the bulk of the work would fall to me by default.

Show quote history

With a cleaner and a nanny, I think it is definitely doable.

Marine30 · 15/01/2025 22:01

What a tricky situation.

A family friend had triplets through IVF and was assured she’d never conceive naturally. Sure enough when the triplets were 10 months old she did - and had 4 kids under 2.
She would always tell me it put a huge strain on her marriage and she looked exhausted for about a decade (understandably). They are lovely kids though - adults now - and they’re all quite close. Really tough decision OP.

SouthLondonMum22 · 15/01/2025 22:01

It's never unreasonable to have an abortion.

I had twins when my son was 16 months. They are now 2 & almost 9 months.

It isn't easy but we've managed, there's no way I'd largely be able to do it alone.

PizzaPunk · 15/01/2025 22:01

OnePintWonder · 15/01/2025 21:55

Oh I know - regardless of what we decide, its time for some action on his side!

Show quote history

Well it's his choice only whether he has a vasectomy but yes, you both need a conversation.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do Flowers

Original poster
OnePintWonder · 15/01/2025 22:02

2025willbemytime · 15/01/2025 21:46

I think after you have had the baby, or the termination if that is what is best for you, then stop with the hints and tell him you'd like him to get a vasectomy. Is he willing and if not then you give your response.

Oh it was his idea! That's why I'm surprised he hasnt taken any action

OP posts:
Notgivenuphope · 15/01/2025 22:04

Can you afford it?
Do you have enough space? (Sounds like yes if you’re moving house)
Is your employment stable?
Is your health good?

Yes, you can manage 3. Using childcare will help.

But ultimately if you don’t want more and your family is complete that’s another matter.

Eenameenadeeka · 15/01/2025 22:04

It will be hard, and you can do it (if you want to.)

Original poster
OnePintWonder · 15/01/2025 22:06

Marine30 · 15/01/2025 22:01

What a tricky situation.

A family friend had triplets through IVF and was assured she’d never conceive naturally. Sure enough when the triplets were 10 months old she did - and had 4 kids under 2.
She would always tell me it put a huge strain on her marriage and she looked exhausted for about a decade (understandably). They are lovely kids though - adults now - and they’re all quite close. Really tough decision OP.

Yeah so our situation is similar... I was basically told in early 2024 that without 'assistance' I wouldn't be able to conceive.

My partner and I were both flabbergasted when I feel naturally pregnant with twins shortly after whilst awaiting a fertility referral.

So I'm really torn - because I feel so lucky to even have the twins, but I can't help that feel that 3 (or more as I don't know if it just one baby in there!) under 18 months would just be insanity.

OP posts:
fartfacenotfatface · 15/01/2025 22:08

A friend of mine had 2 sets of twins 20 months apart. The first set were IVF babies as she was told she couldn't conceive naturally. The second set were a huge surprise 😂.
It was very hard but she managed with help from a cleaner and a nanny. She took a year sabbatical from work after her mat leave with the second set and would generally either take one set of twins or a big twin and a little twin out for the day, leaving the other two with the nanny and then swapping around the next day.
The kids are 14-16 years now and super close.

Hankunamatata · 15/01/2025 22:08

I think you need to also think this could be another twin pregnancy.

Iv seen a friend go through similar with unplanned two sets of twin close in age and sadly the marriage didn't survive.

This a only a choice you and dh can make.

SpikeGilesSandwich · 15/01/2025 22:10

I know someone who had the same situation, she did struggle with toddler twins while heavily pregnant and got very sick of all the comments like, "You've got your hands full!" .
It worked out though and she seems very happy with her three.