Pregnant again but already have 9 month old twins - Is it possible to manage 3 under 18 months?!

[OnePintWonder]

So the title says it all...

Despite using condoms, I've just found out I'm pregnant again. Based on my LMP I think I'm about 5-6 weeks.

Whilst we talked about my partner having the snip when I was pregnant with the twins, after they were born he never mentioned it again. I made a few hints about it but he never seemed to take any action and we continued to rely on condoms.

I'm really conflicted - I fully understand when people don't continue with pregnancy when they aren't ready or not in the right relationship.... but we are both nearly 40, both have good careers and absolutely adore my partner... the thought of having an abortion makes me feel uncomfortable but I'm worried about how to manage with 3 kids under 18 months.

AIBU to have an abortion purely because I don't think we/I can mange 3 kids under 18months?

We have been quoted 3.8K a month for a nanny for 3 long days a week. That's going to be really tight for us to afford and we are planning to release equity from the house to fun the next 3 years

Our local private school is 1.15K per child per month so 2.3k for the twins.

But we wouldnt be able to pay for childcare for this baby (due sept 2025) and both the twins go to private school.

My partner earns over threshold so we get no government help

Believe it or not twins get much much harder as they get older. I couldn't think of anything worse than having a newborn with toddling twins.

I survived with the twins! Just got into a good routine and now they sleep through night - Twin 1 has done every night since she was 8 weeks (except when she had a temp and needed calpol overnight) and T2 wakes sometimes only once for a quick milk feed around 5am and then back to sleep

It's not the nights that worry me - its the practicalities of managing day-to-day. Like I struggle getting my double pram in places and can't get on buses. I just can't imagine trying to do all that with a baby in a sling as well.

It's also the fact that this baby would be 2 school years below so that's 2 more years of pre-school care to facilitate whilst the twins are in Reception and Year 1.

I can see longer term that it would be do-able if all children remain happy and healthy but worry about the impact it would have on the twins if this baby had any major issues.

Yeah thats exactly the phase I am worried about!

So a wedding is on the cards - we've had some extensive logistics to sort out and should be in a position to get married this coming Autumn.

I also want a simple registry office wedding but my other half wants something a bit more 'special'. It's not derailing the thread as it is relevant - he has named me on his work insurance policy in the meantime so I would receive a specific amount if anything happens to him and there's separate amounts ring-fenced for both the twins.

We are both fortunate as we both have good careers - he does earn significantly more and therefore it made sense that I reduce my hours. Also as I'm public sector, this is widely accepted and I can step back up to full time if/when we decide is best.

So you are right about the baby stuff - we have it all in house already.

No chance of affording nursery for the twins whilst I'm on maternity pay - my maternity pay is really crap for public sector so will be basically on 1/3 of my salary for the year.

Our local nursery charges £92/day per baby so yeah.... no chance of that! I will be managing all 3 by myself during the maternity leave (if we go ahead with the pregnancy).

I'm still massively conflicted

I know a couple of families with twins/singleton with 17/19 month gaps, and they survived okay, and without a nanny (but didn't have the partner-working-away issue). Make sure you have savings ready for if they all go to uni!

If DH earns significantly more, can't he afford to pay for nursery?

I would consider a ‘mother’s helper’. I have one and she’s wonderful. £10 per hour and helps alongside me

Don't forget that some people have triplets or quads and they manage!
Get that man of yours to the clinic and get him snipped!!

I worded my response poorly but we work together financially but our nursery has a minimum 2 day/week rule so we cant afford £400/week in our maternity budget - I know this because I'm still on mat leave now

OP just to agree on this, I have twins and goodness me the 18 month to 2.5 years stage was something else, I can’t even imagine having to try and keep a newborn happy at the same time!
But - they are almost 5 now and much easier. Twins for me were very hard from age 18 months to about 3.5 when finally a bit of impulse control kicked in. Since they started school it’s all felt a little bit calmer!
Do you have family local who could help on days you just need to ditch a child for a bit??
Whatever you decide though it is truly your decision; at 5-6 weeks too you have time to sleep on it for a bit. Good luck OP.

I had exactly the same gap with twins and a singleton. Wasn’t easy but turns it it was waaay easier than the teenage years. Still wouldn’t be without my little surprise though.

Probably because it's not his life, body, sanity, career, continence etc. at risk by being impregnated, nor does he do much parenting.
Are you financially independent?

No comment on the amount of kids, it sounds like absolute hell to me. You don't need to justify an abortion to anyone, including yourself. Do what's best for you.

If I were you @OnePintWonder I'd definitely be planning for another set of twins and using that as consideration whether I want to go ahead or not. Best to be over prepared than under prepared. I know someone who had 2 sets of twins, then triplets. Don't bank on this pregnancy being single just incase. If you decide to keep it and it ends up being a single baby, then that's easier as you were expecting two.

Crying everyday.

Some nurseries offer a discount for twins. I'd check if the one near to you does this. Also ask DH to pay for a few half days for twins.

I think it's a particularly difficult decision to make after you've already had children.

On the one hand you've lived through pregnancy and the experience of two lines on a pregnancy test becoming an adored child (or children in your case!) - it's very really, very deeply emotive thing to be pregnant again.

On the other hand, your weighing up the impact not only you and your partner's lives but on your existing children.

What you say about "logic" vs "gut" really stood out to me. I'm not going to say "trust your gut" but it's definitely worth thinking about the depth of that gut feeling. It would be perfectly natural to have some level of regret if you were to have a termination. But what for might one person be an occasional wistful "what might have been" might tear another person up. There's no right or wrong here, only you can know how you feel about it.

(for what it's worth, I've always been fairly confident that despite the fact our two children are adored, I loved the baby/toddler stages and we have the financial means to afford a third, if I were to get pregnant again I would terminate).

I had four thanks and at the age of sixty it won’t be happening again. 😉

Why can’t the OP be sterilised if she doesn’t want more children, MN is full of making the man have the snip.
What happened to body autonomy?

As a fellow twin mum, I would suggest you consider if you want to survive child rearing or enjoy it.

Twins are hard enough, you will only be surviving with 3 so close together. I wouldn’t think twice about an abortion personally.

Why don't you go and spout your vile anti women rhetoric somewhere else?

Hi
I had a 19 month gap between my first child and twins. And I survived!
The baby/toddler stage was really bloody hard work. I can remember literally sitting at the bottom of the stairs waiting for DH to get home from work and help me get them upstairs for bedtime because the challenge of getting them all upstairs seemed so great. It was pretty relentless for a while.
But... we did it, and after the first bit, there have been loads of benefits to having the kids so close in age - everyone's at about the same stage, so you just throw yourself into that bit, rather than juggling different ages, which looks quite hard to me.
The drawbacks as they have got older are partly that families of five just don't work as well logistically as families of four - hotel rooms, car sizes, family tickets and so on are all more complicated. It was hard when the kids were growing up to carve out time with them as individuals (we did it, but it was tricky).
And the finances of three kids close together can be brutal. My kids are late teens now - twins turn 17 shortly and then we'll have three learner/new drivers to insure. Not to mention potentially funding all three through university at the same time.
I don't want to make it sound all sunshine and rainbows (and I absolutely wouldn't judge you for making whatever decision you make for yourself and your family), but if do you want to do it, it can be done (and in that case, I'll try to dredge up my logistical tips from back then!).

A friend of mine had 3 within 20 months. Not quite as close as you but not far. She survived and the kids are all great friends now. Family days out, holidays etc are geared to a particular age group so that really works well. It's a lovely dynamic now (but the pre-school years were definitely tough)