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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant again but already have 9 month old twins - Is it possible to manage 3 under 18 months?!

142 replies

OnePintWonder · 15/01/2025 21:44

So the title says it all...

Despite using condoms, I've just found out I'm pregnant again. Based on my LMP I think I'm about 5-6 weeks.

Whilst we talked about my partner having the snip when I was pregnant with the twins, after they were born he never mentioned it again. I made a few hints about it but he never seemed to take any action and we continued to rely on condoms.

I'm really conflicted - I fully understand when people don't continue with pregnancy when they aren't ready or not in the right relationship.... but we are both nearly 40, both have good careers and absolutely adore my partner... the thought of having an abortion makes me feel uncomfortable but I'm worried about how to manage with 3 kids under 18 months.

AIBU to have an abortion purely because I don't think we/I can mange 3 kids under 18months?

OP posts:
Bobbie12345 · 15/01/2025 22:10

I had three under one. Single then twins.
It was very hard, but also a time I look back on with fond memories and pride that we managed it. I was lucky that I had a lot of help in the first year.
Things that made it do-able for me were

  • my husband had paternity leave the first month
  • then my mum came and lived with us for two months
  • then my mother in law for a month
  • Then we found a fantastic 20 year old who came in 4 days a week to help me 9-5 for the rest of the first year. She helped with kids, cooking and laundry.
  • we prioritised paying for help in the first year over holidays in the first 2 years.
  • we got a people carrier so we had a bit more space ( three car seats across the back of a regular car is a nightmare.
Good luck with whatever you decide. After the first two years I actually found three almost the same age was easier than my friends seemed to find spread out ages. They all had similar abilities for activities/ hikes etc. There wasn’t an older one being frustrated by younger siblings.
OCOC · 15/01/2025 22:11

couch2wtf · 15/01/2025 21:51

My granny had 2 under 1 - absolutely unbelievable but she managed it!

What I currently have!! How did your granny manage it does she have any tips for me lol!

Hemiola · 15/01/2025 22:13

Sorry haven't read full thread but just popping on to say that I had same as you. It was a crazy time but a delightful one and now I have three teens who are fab. I had zero help but was a sahm.
Whilst they're all in nappies it's a bit intense and my twins walked really late so I was quite pregnant with no3 and they wanted carrying. It did mean I had two c sections as the consultant didn't want risk vbac that close together.

TaggieO · 15/01/2025 22:13

Definitely consider the fact that this may not be a single pregnancy. A guy I used to work with had a daughter, and they decided to try for another fairly soon after and had twin girls, then almost immediately after they were born, they had an unplanned pregnancy that turned out to be another set of twin girls, meaning they had 5 under 5 and he used to come to work and just sit and cry at his desk for about 10 minutes most mornings Grin

cafenoirbiscuit · 15/01/2025 22:14

My friend had ivf twins born at 31 weeks, and then had a singleton 10 months later. 3 kids in a year 😱
she survived, is still married, had help from family and the kids are all 25 now. I appreciate not everyone has support though.
no judgement from me but good luck with whatever you decide

minipie · 15/01/2025 22:16

AIBU to have an abortion purely because I don't think we/I can mange 3 kids under 18months?

The only reason you need to have an abortion, IMO, is “I don’t want to have a baby”. That is all. Even if you can manage, if it’s not what you want, you don’t have to do it.

Wibblywobblybobbly · 15/01/2025 22:18

With a live in nanny and cleaner it sounds totally doable to me. But it's how you feel that matters.

Original poster
OnePintWonder · 15/01/2025 22:19

Wibblywobblybobbly · 15/01/2025 22:18

With a live in nanny and cleaner it sounds totally doable to me. But it's how you feel that matters.

Oh it wouldn't be a live in nanny - just one 3 days/week when I go to work!

OP posts:
EndlessTreadmill · 15/01/2025 22:20

There will be some rocky moments in the short term, but in the medium term absolutely doable.
Friend of mine had a similar situation, and basically the baby was just strapped to her front in one of those wrap baby carriers for the first 9 months whilst she ran after her twins.... but then the baby sort of caught up with the others and it was almost as if she had triplets. She actually said it made some things easier, as they were all interested in the same things at the same time, had similar sleeping / eating routines, she would read the same stories to all of them, etc. So not having to cater for lots of different things the way you would with a 2 year old and a 6 year old for instance.
I think if you have a nanny it's definitely doable. And I think when your twins grow up a bit and you have more time on your hands you may regret not keeping the baby.

Didimum · 15/01/2025 22:21

I have twins and personally could not risk another pregnancy due to the much higher chance of having twins again. Not that I even want three, let alone four.

You’d not be unreasonable to terminate. Though you seem to be more concerned about the small baby stage, rather than flat out just not wanting more children (like me!). That stage is short lived all in all.

I would base your decision on the long game and also ensure you are prepared to have another set of twins or cope with a disability or SEN, emotionally and logistically, before proceeding.

Wibblywobblybobbly · 15/01/2025 22:22

OnePintWonder · 15/01/2025 22:19

Oh it wouldn't be a live in nanny - just one 3 days/week when I go to work!

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Live in nannies are often cheaper, so you mind find it viable.

But even without them living in I think I'd go for it personally. But that would in no small part be driven by fear of regret.

EndlessTreadmill · 15/01/2025 22:23

OnePintWonder · 15/01/2025 22:19

Oh it wouldn't be a live in nanny - just one 3 days/week when I go to work!

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If you have the money and you are really worried, you could get her 5 days (and keep her during your mat leave) until the twins go to pre-school. Would give you a bit more breathing space.

tolerable · 15/01/2025 22:23

OnePintWonder · 15/01/2025 22:19

Oh it wouldn't be a live in nanny - just one 3 days/week when I go to work!

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s-if yu continue pregnancy not return t work just yet...a nany wuld be amazing even three days
what dh say? wsnt tht long go mmmies had fur or five not yet schol ge-far tougher times...but this is now.multiples been suggested would that alter continuing?

Original poster
OnePintWonder · 15/01/2025 22:26

Didimum · 15/01/2025 22:21

I have twins and personally could not risk another pregnancy due to the much higher chance of having twins again. Not that I even want three, let alone four.

You’d not be unreasonable to terminate. Though you seem to be more concerned about the small baby stage, rather than flat out just not wanting more children (like me!). That stage is short lived all in all.

I would base your decision on the long game and also ensure you are prepared to have another set of twins or cope with a disability or SEN, emotionally and logistically, before proceeding.

You are right - we discussed that with the twins and my partner only told his parents once we had the all clear at the 20 week scan and the genetic tests were all very low risk.

Its really hard because if the baby is healthy and happy like the twins, then I can see that it would be great as they grow up together. But we do have some extended family members that have health issues that need lifelong support - and seen how it impacts the other siblings.... massively tricky.

OP posts:
Original poster
OnePintWonder · 15/01/2025 22:27

EndlessTreadmill · 15/01/2025 22:23

If you have the money and you are really worried, you could get her 5 days (and keep her during your mat leave) until the twins go to pre-school. Would give you a bit more breathing space.

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There is no way we could afford that! Nanny prices are insane!!

OP posts:
Didimum · 15/01/2025 22:30

OnePintWonder · 15/01/2025 22:27

There is no way we could afford that! Nanny prices are insane!!

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Indeed they are! We had a nanny for our twins 2.5 days a week which cost £1850 a month. You’d easily be paying upwards of £40k a year for a full time nanny!

Original poster
OnePintWonder · 15/01/2025 22:32

Didimum · 15/01/2025 22:30

Indeed they are! We had a nanny for our twins 2.5 days a week which cost £1850 a month. You’d easily be paying upwards of £40k a year for a full time nanny!

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That sounds like a bargain - we got quoted roughly double that for a nanny to do 39hrs/week over 3 days (I work long shifts!)

OP posts:
OCOC · 15/01/2025 22:32

OnePintWonder · 15/01/2025 22:32

That sounds like a bargain - we got quoted roughly double that for a nanny to do 39hrs/week over 3 days (I work long shifts!)

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Are you in London?

Endofyear · 15/01/2025 22:32

With a nanny and a cleaner I think it's doable but expect the first couple of years to be bloody hard work! It helps to be really organised and try and get into a routine as soon as you can. Meal plan and prep for the week on a Sunday and use a laundry service if you've got one in the area. If you need extra help, consider hiring older teens, perhaps who are doing childcare qualifications at a local college and are looking for experience. I had 5 kids under 10 and DH worked away, it was busy and I used to fall into bed and go out like a light every night! I always did pack lunches, packed schoolbags and laid out uniforms in the evening to make mornings easier.

Original poster
OnePintWonder · 15/01/2025 22:34

OCOC · 15/01/2025 22:32

Are you in London?

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No but standard nanny rate in my area is between £19 to £25/hour depending on experience.

OP posts:
minipie · 15/01/2025 22:34

I do know someone who had twins and then a surprise baby born when the twins were c15 months. So 3 under 2. They were ok but had plenty of help - I believe they had a full time nanny/housekeeper for the first few years, on top of mum not working. So 2 adults at all times basically. And no SN or bad sleepers.

BeanAround · 15/01/2025 22:35

How do you feel having survived the first 9 months with twins? Are you hanging on by your fingers nails or doing OK all things considered?

Personally think if you are up for having a third at some point, you’ll make this work. Whereas if you feel your family is complete already, then the rest is hypothetical.

GivingitToGod · 15/01/2025 22:37

You must do what is right for you OP
No judgement either way.
The fact you can afford a nanny is significant but then other people have a lot of family support.
Take care

Original poster
OnePintWonder · 15/01/2025 22:42

BeanAround · 15/01/2025 22:35

How do you feel having survived the first 9 months with twins? Are you hanging on by your fingers nails or doing OK all things considered?

Personally think if you are up for having a third at some point, you’ll make this work. Whereas if you feel your family is complete already, then the rest is hypothetical.

So I've really enjoyed it overall - I love being a mum.

I'm more openminded that my partner - he was the one who suggested he get the snip when I was pregnant before - but since they have arrived, he hasn't taken any action on this.

Financially we can 'afford' it but it would mean a def change in lifestyle - the plan had been to (probably) send the twins to private school as everyone in my partner's family has done in the past. With another child... that will likely be out of reach. I'm less worried about this as I went to a good state school and still have a great career, but this does matter to my partner.

It's so tricky as the logical part of my brain says to have the termination but my gut instinct says I will regret it further down the line.

OP posts:
Mitzimo · 15/01/2025 22:48

My Grandmother had 18 pregnancies (Irish Catholic 1920s)
12 survived and by all accounts older kids looked after the younger ones
first born was 1920 and last born was 1945!
imagine being Pregnant and giving birth 18 times, I had 2 that was enough.