Pregnant again but already have 9 month old twins - Is it possible to manage 3 under 18 months?!

[OnePintWonder]

So the title says it all...

Despite using condoms, I've just found out I'm pregnant again. Based on my LMP I think I'm about 5-6 weeks.

Whilst we talked about my partner having the snip when I was pregnant with the twins, after they were born he never mentioned it again. I made a few hints about it but he never seemed to take any action and we continued to rely on condoms.

I'm really conflicted - I fully understand when people don't continue with pregnancy when they aren't ready or not in the right relationship.... but we are both nearly 40, both have good careers and absolutely adore my partner... the thought of having an abortion makes me feel uncomfortable but I'm worried about how to manage with 3 kids under 18 months.

AIBU to have an abortion purely because I don't think we/I can mange 3 kids under 18months?

My son had twins then another baby in 20 months. My DIL decided to take a career break. They hired a local woman part time who had worked at a nursery . At the weekend they had help from another nursery worker. They also had a cleaner.

It was very hard, DIL has resumed her career, hybrid working. The children go to after school club.

You'll need a Very Big car, as well. Seven seater.

It's her body, of course she can. She has to think about her babies who are actually here and if she'll be able to cope.

She's also 5-6 weeks, incredibly early. It isn't yet a foetus, nevermind a baby.

Can you just get an abortion at will these days?

Until 24 weeks, yes.

Thankfully.

You call him your partner. Does that mean you are not married? Are you in he UK? If so you also need to carefully consider the financial implications of not being married.

My advice would be to get married if you continue the pregnancy. The drop off in employment for mums of 3 or more kids is huge. You need to protect both yourself and your DC

I would do it. I had a 2 year old when my twins were born and another surprise singleton when they were 2, so 4 under 5. It was fine. They’re all grown up now but it is perfectly doable.

My grandmother had twins 13 months after her first child was born.After another 2 years she had a single baby.
This was around the end of WW1.She had help from relatives with child care, one twin lived with my grandmother's sister until starting school.

The early years will be very hard. No question. But it gets easier relatively quickly. By the time they're all at school it'll be much easier (and cheaper in terms of childcare). I'd look long-term before making a decision, don't base it all on the early years. You'll only have three under 18 months/2/3 for a very short while.

If partner is away a lot, will you cope with disturbed nights?

Not in my opinion.

That's ok, you don't have to have one if you don't want to.

It would be a big no from me.

Great news!!! You don't have to have an abortion!!!

Isn't that wonderful???!!!

Not really.

The vast majority of abortions happen during the first 12 weeks. Late term abortions almost always are for medical reasons, either the foetus or the woman.

No one is waking up at 23 weeks & 6 days and suddenly deciding they don't want to be pregnant any more.

The abortion rates after 12 weeks are tiny. There's no need to lower it.

I'd look at these options too. You must already have a lot of baby equipment so another baby won't cost much more for now. If you could get twins into nursery after a new baby is born they'd be 18 months so you'd get a bit of a break just having one at home. I'd try for morning sessions for twins. 8-12 noon. Will your DH help more with DC when he's home? You need to discuss options with DH. Definitely talk about him having snip.

So really his wife had 6 babies to deal with.

What a stupid thing to say.

the plan had been to (probably) send the twins to private school

I am pro choice (both pregnancy and education!!! 😅) so am 💯 not being goady But i just dont understand how it simultaneously true your plan was private for twins but you cant afford a FT nanny???

We are paying 4.5k pm for childcare net with zero gov help and "cant afford" private school... in that we have financial reserves and can suck up the childcare costs for 4 years but dont have the reserves / arent willing to make the sacrifice to commit 250-600k on private education (which is what it costs for 2 kids).

Pp have nailed it though you need to think about how you will cope and consider all outcomes inc disability and think longer term past baby stage, and your dh 100 needs the snip. I'd still be using condoms post vasectomy though just in case!

I am an "old" mum and have 2 under 2 and had a lot of help in mat leave and found it hard, just would have needed a small gap for 3 children and decided a third would have been too much. 3 under 4 and an ft job would have broken me personally.

Do also consider the twins should prob get 15hrs free with a nursery or CM and you get 4k pa in tax free childcare if eligible.

The OP already has 2 under 1.

OP YANBU, this is your decision.

What gestation do you think the cut off point should be?

I don't want to derail the thread, but unless you earn more working three days a week than your partner does working (presumably) full-time, you are in a very vulnerable position being unmarried.

If you were to split up (I know no one thinks it will happen to them, but it does!), you will potentially be left with two or more children (if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy), on a 60% salary, with no entitlement to the money he has managed to accrue while you took the financial hits of maternity leave and working part-time. And since he works away a lot, you would have the children the majority of the time.

My advice would be to book a cheap, registry-office wedding along with the vasectomy!

@caringcarer I am fairly certain his wife would be crying every day too. I defy you to find someone who wouldn’t! He was exhausted from getting up multiple times a night, doing nursery runs etc and his wife didn’t work. What about this makes him a “6th baby” exactly? Please do explain.