Child didn’t get a party bag

[JandamiHash]

Hosted my son’s 8th birthday on Sunday. I sent out invitations in December and made it clear when people had to get back to me (7th Jan). We hired a magician and included personalised party bags that the magician makes himself - they have each child’s name on the stuff inside and it also included a magic wand and some of the tricks he did on the day so the kids could try themselves at home. They were a quite expensive addition but I didn’t mind as I thought it was a nice touch. I also ordered Domino’s Pizza and just enough for the partygoers as again it can be very expensive.

One child whose parents didn’t RSVP turned up. The mum is a bit of an Amanda (as in from Motherland) and has form for being a bit of a PITA. I did say “Oh you didn’t RSVP, it’s absolutely fine to stay but sorry I don’t have a party bag for James, just to warn you.” She looked annoyed and just said “I did RSVP didn’t I?” And checked her phone before saying “Oh dear I forgot. What a shame he won’t have a party bag.”

She then told me James is now vegan like her (was previously vegetarian). I said “Oh sorry there are no vegan pizzas ordered”. Again she looked annoyed and said how it would be awful not to feed him, so I said it was fine I’d call dominoes now to add one onto the order. She shared it with him and took the leftovers home. I was pissed off, if that was me I’d have at least ordered one myself for my child, but this woman is deeply entitled and a massive CF. I would never leave a child without food though and feel like I did the right thing.

Anyway I’ve had a text today to say how upset James is that he didn’t get a party bag, apparently the other kids are all bragging about their magic tricks that they’ve learnt with the party bag stuff and he’s feeling left out (she is forever messaging the mum’s group moaning he’s left out and nobody is his friend and expects us all to prioritise this with our own kids) and that I should have had spares.

I haven’t replied but WIBU to tell her that she should have RSVPd and the only person answerable to her son is her and her DH for sloppy organisation, and that plenty of children in the class didn’t attend the party. Also that I made reasonable adjustments for the food at my own expense. DH thinks I should send my bank details and ask for the extra £10 the vegan pizza cost!

I’d feel super cheeky TBH at the cost of them - it’s not cheap stuff that’s in there I did try to look on Amazon to do something similar and it’s no cheaper and doesn’t come personalised.

I certainly wouldn’t charge for a pizza that would have been needed anyway had the boys mother RSVP’d, however walking out with the leftovers would really annoy me. Given your DS isn’t fussed for the boy either I would simply not invite again.

I would reply, and word it very carefully to avoid using the word 'sorry' so that she can't possibly interpret it as an apology. Don't mention the pizza, just the party bag. There are some good examples upthread. Nip it in the bud so she knows you mean business.

I would say something like:

I understand why James is disappointed to not get a party bag, but this is entirely down to you not having replied to the invitation. The party bags were personalised for each child whose carers RSVP-ed; I have neither the inclination nor the money to waste on buying spares for families who did not let me know they were intending to come. I can send you a link to [the magician's] website if you want to enquire about buying one yourself.

I don't understand people saying next time have spare party bags. I have always bought for the number of children who have replied. Though we have never done a whole class party and generally people I know, so I might have sent a reminder if I hadn't heard back.
Sounds like the party would have been expensive enough anyway without having spares. I would also wonder if James' mum wasn't going to take James to the party as she had a better offer which fell through, which is why she suddenly decided to turn up.

"James would have had a party bag if you'd remembered to RSVP. Oh well, it's a shame he was disappointed."

"it's sad for him. I would definitely have included him if you'd RSVP'd. Nice that he was able to join his friends for the party though."
Then ignore further messages.
Poor James with a mother like that.

I hope she brought your son a decent present?

eh?

This is how I'd play it. Don't take any responsibility for her poor organisation skills.

@Willyoujust superb!!!

bravo this is a great reply! i'd add in "i'm just glad we could squeeze an extra child into the party at short notice so we didn't have to turn him away on the day"

Life. Changer!

Thank you!

"Hello, I don't have anymore party bags as they were personalised for each child we knew would be coming. I'm so glad James was able to come and enjoy the party with the others."

What's cheeky? I meant for you to pay btw, not the other parents. It's so easy to miss a name on a list or to think you've RSVPed when you haven't, I think most parents doing the party bags themselves have a couple of spares just in case. I think it would be good if the magician had a couple of spares too that you could pay him for on the day. Not personalised obviously and maybe not as nice, but there are parents who would be very glad of it. And it wouldn't cost the magician anything obviously as they're presumably buying the stuff in bulk and could just choose whatever spares they had.

She just took it!! Didn’t even ask!
I would have taken it home as despite the fact it looked like absolute muck my DH would have eaten it.

The party bags sound bespoke and expensive. I don’t think it’s fair to expect the magician to have spares that haven’t been paid for.

Wow!! Party bags definitely stop by then. I don’t intend to do any for future parties as, like with my eldest child, when they get older it becomes days out and that’s enough

But no vegans RSVP’d so why would I waste money ordering vegan pizzas?! That’s not good hosting that’s being wasteful

James’ personalised party bag was the remains of the vegan pizza, surely?

Just reply thanking everyone for turning up. Dont get dragged into her games. Add a comment such as "The party bags were a great success, they were personalised for the children so if anyone wants another then you suggest they contact the magician direct" Put his contact details and leave it at that.

Can't understand these posters saying it would have been easier if op had chased her up, had spare bags etc, it's far easier for the adult to adult and rsvp!
I doubt she'd be in her job long if the health and safety bosses had to chase her up every time to remind her she had a meeting etc.
If she can hold down her job, she can surely manage to rsvp to a kids party!!

I agree, and this doesn’t sound like a party for 30 kids where it’s the more the merrier, but one for a few friends due to cost.

All the items were personalised - there was a magic wand each with names on, a bag of tricks, playing cards and the bag had a name on, a cape and some chocolate. All with individual kids’ names on somewhere on everything. I guess he could bring non personalised ones but it takes the specialness away a bit

I think this is a good reply, tactful but still gets the point across. What an idiot the mum is

I'd add "I'm sure James has learned a valuable life lesson that it's ok to be disappointed sometimes. I'm sure the late order for the vegan pizza more than made up for it"