Child didn’t get a party bag

[JandamiHash]

Hosted my son’s 8th birthday on Sunday. I sent out invitations in December and made it clear when people had to get back to me (7th Jan). We hired a magician and included personalised party bags that the magician makes himself - they have each child’s name on the stuff inside and it also included a magic wand and some of the tricks he did on the day so the kids could try themselves at home. They were a quite expensive addition but I didn’t mind as I thought it was a nice touch. I also ordered Domino’s Pizza and just enough for the partygoers as again it can be very expensive.

One child whose parents didn’t RSVP turned up. The mum is a bit of an Amanda (as in from Motherland) and has form for being a bit of a PITA. I did say “Oh you didn’t RSVP, it’s absolutely fine to stay but sorry I don’t have a party bag for James, just to warn you.” She looked annoyed and just said “I did RSVP didn’t I?” And checked her phone before saying “Oh dear I forgot. What a shame he won’t have a party bag.”

She then told me James is now vegan like her (was previously vegetarian). I said “Oh sorry there are no vegan pizzas ordered”. Again she looked annoyed and said how it would be awful not to feed him, so I said it was fine I’d call dominoes now to add one onto the order. She shared it with him and took the leftovers home. I was pissed off, if that was me I’d have at least ordered one myself for my child, but this woman is deeply entitled and a massive CF. I would never leave a child without food though and feel like I did the right thing.

Anyway I’ve had a text today to say how upset James is that he didn’t get a party bag, apparently the other kids are all bragging about their magic tricks that they’ve learnt with the party bag stuff and he’s feeling left out (she is forever messaging the mum’s group moaning he’s left out and nobody is his friend and expects us all to prioritise this with our own kids) and that I should have had spares.

I haven’t replied but WIBU to tell her that she should have RSVPd and the only person answerable to her son is her and her DH for sloppy organisation, and that plenty of children in the class didn’t attend the party. Also that I made reasonable adjustments for the food at my own expense. DH thinks I should send my bank details and ask for the extra £10 the vegan pizza cost!

The message i would sent at least 24 hours later, maybe 48....

Hi Amanda, you'll remember i said to you at the party i didn't have a party bag as you didn't RSVP. The bags were made to order. Because you didn't RSVP, i also didn't know that i needed a vegan pizza but I sorted it and made sure he was fed - did you enjoy the leftovers?

Don't beat yourself up over forgetting the RSVP, these things happen. We are all so busy. Im sure the chatter about the party will be finished soon. Take care

Then get on your life.

I can’t believe she expected you to order extra pizzas then took home the pizza! 🤣
did you offer it to take home ? That wouldn’t be so bad.

Could the magician not make her disappear? 🤔

The brass fucking neck on her
I'm with others remind her no rsvp no party bag

Poor James with an Amanda!

Don't mind her, nothing you can do and everyone else knows how she is

I’d be tempted to reply asking her exactly how she expected you to remedy the situation!

Just say sorry he didn't get a party bag. But you assumed he wasn't coming because she didn't reply to the invitation. I agree don't mention the pizza.

Don't do that, she's the type to tell you!!

This is the perfect reply, I might also add 'I hope you enjoyed the rest of the pizza'

Definitely reply. "Yes its a shame I didn't receive an RSVP for him, I'd have loved to be able to plan properly for all the kids attending."

And checked her phone before saying “Oh dear I forgot. What a shame he won’t have a party bag.”

Again she looked annoyed and said how it would be awful not to feed him

She shared it with him and took the leftovers home.

I’ve had a text today to say how upset James is that he didn’t get a party bag, apparently the other kids are all bragging about their magic tricks that they’ve learnt with the party bag stuff and he’s feeling left out

Way OTT lol.

I think this is the best one:
polite
not apologetic
not passive aggressive
clear and to the point
watertight

She can't argue back against it because she's clearly in the wrong. But it's adult - honest without being petty and potentially inflaming the situation.

She sounds a stupid cow - I’d either ignore her or say “oh what a shame you didn’t RSVP and that’s led to him feeling left out. You’ll remember next time!”

I’d message along the lines

”oh gosh I’m sorry to hear James is so upset, but don’t beat yourself up about it. We’re all really busy and it’s easy to forget to RSVP. Now he’s vegan though I’m sure you’ll be more mindful as people won’t typically cater for this unless they know a vegan is coming. Don’t dwell on it and treat yourself to a glass of wine!”

Absolutely this. Life is too short.

"Oh im sorry he's upset. He would have of course had one if you'd sent the RSVP. Hope he enjoyed the party 🥳 "

With this level of cheeky fuckery I'm wondering if she had unrealistic expectations of the magician?

I feel sorry for her son. She sounds awful.

Amazing responses thank you!

So I’m gonna go with something like what @isthesolution (apt username!) has suggested - sympathising with the guilt tripping and saying we all forget from time to time and here’s the magician’s details. I’ll also say “At least we managed to sort the food issue out so he didn’t feel too excluded on the day”

Re James - I have previously suggested to my DS to include him in his playtime when his mum has moaned about it and DS says no he doesn’t like him. He says he’s “snitchy” eg will tell the lunchtime supervisor if they do something mildly breaking the rules like snapping a twig off a tree and also doesnt like to do anything that might hurt him like playing tig. James says it’s dangerous. His mum works in health and safety. Just saying

"Aww, poor James! If only we'd known he was coming <sad face>"

I certainly wouldn't engage with her strop any further than that. What a twat.

What an absolute CF and to be messaging you and complaining about it. How very dare she! I'm angry on your behalf!

But @isthesolution has the right reply - I'd be biting my lip typing it though!

I think she sounds ridiculous for texting you about him not having a party bag. Blimey, who would bother to send a follow up text to complain about it.
But equally, you should have texted any mums you hadn't heard back from by the cut off date, and said "Just checking in as I haven't heard back from you and I need to know by tomorrow" for exactly this reason. Not to help the entitled mum, but to avoid hassle in your own life.
I've had my own experiences with parties though. I've had younger siblings turn up with the children who has been invited, the mum stays so therefore the younger uninvited child ended up being at the party and joining in, and then after them tucking in to the food the mum had the audacity to ask me at the end of the party for a party bag for the younger child. This has happened more than once.
Another time, I took a group of children out to an expensive theme park for DS 10th birthday and paid for entrance, food, drinks, ice creams and picked them up from home and dropped them back again. I made a decision that because I was giving each child a fully paid for day out with food and treats, I wasn't going to do party bags. I reasoned that I'd rather spend money on ice creams and drinks and treats for them whilst there, rather than ask the parents for spending money and then send them home with a bag of tat. Well, my God, you should've seen the look on the face of one of the mums when I explained this. She was furious. She complained non stop at me for ruining her child's experience by not giving them a party bag, asked me how on earth I expected their child to understand my reasoning, and then stopped speaking to me afterwards.
So maybe party bags are a delicate subject!

They were really good, I don’t usually spend much on party bags and have done things like hand out books before but these were really worth the money!

RE pizza - if a child with dietary reqs had RSVP’d and you would have catered for that anyway then don’t charge for the pizza. That is just general hosting unless you are only going to serve what you eat (which you can but it may mean some of DS’ friends can’t come to parties etc(.

YANBU re: party bags. Just reply saying you’re sorry he didn’t have a bag but they were made to order and they hadn’t confirmed attendance so you didn’t know to order one. I can’t believe she’s on the beg for a party bag - she could just purchase her son a magic trick set

I always have a couple spare in case if this becs it’s not the kids fault his mum forgot

she is rude to main about it publicly