Child didn’t get a party bag

[JandamiHash]

Hosted my son’s 8th birthday on Sunday. I sent out invitations in December and made it clear when people had to get back to me (7th Jan). We hired a magician and included personalised party bags that the magician makes himself - they have each child’s name on the stuff inside and it also included a magic wand and some of the tricks he did on the day so the kids could try themselves at home. They were a quite expensive addition but I didn’t mind as I thought it was a nice touch. I also ordered Domino’s Pizza and just enough for the partygoers as again it can be very expensive.

One child whose parents didn’t RSVP turned up. The mum is a bit of an Amanda (as in from Motherland) and has form for being a bit of a PITA. I did say “Oh you didn’t RSVP, it’s absolutely fine to stay but sorry I don’t have a party bag for James, just to warn you.” She looked annoyed and just said “I did RSVP didn’t I?” And checked her phone before saying “Oh dear I forgot. What a shame he won’t have a party bag.”

She then told me James is now vegan like her (was previously vegetarian). I said “Oh sorry there are no vegan pizzas ordered”. Again she looked annoyed and said how it would be awful not to feed him, so I said it was fine I’d call dominoes now to add one onto the order. She shared it with him and took the leftovers home. I was pissed off, if that was me I’d have at least ordered one myself for my child, but this woman is deeply entitled and a massive CF. I would never leave a child without food though and feel like I did the right thing.

Anyway I’ve had a text today to say how upset James is that he didn’t get a party bag, apparently the other kids are all bragging about their magic tricks that they’ve learnt with the party bag stuff and he’s feeling left out (she is forever messaging the mum’s group moaning he’s left out and nobody is his friend and expects us all to prioritise this with our own kids) and that I should have had spares.

I haven’t replied but WIBU to tell her that she should have RSVPd and the only person answerable to her son is her and her DH for sloppy organisation, and that plenty of children in the class didn’t attend the party. Also that I made reasonable adjustments for the food at my own expense. DH thinks I should send my bank details and ask for the extra £10 the vegan pizza cost!

This is mumsnet. Being harsh and inconsiderate of small children = feminism + supporting child development through building resilience. 😆

Meanwhile of course in the real world it is a well established norm that parents throwing parties get a couple of extra party bags for unanticipated guests / siblings / RSVP / headcount mishaps to ensure no little kids get left out.

None of this changes the fact that Amanda is rude AF and a CF .

Children really don't notice whether or not other children get party bags.

!!!!

Have you ever taken a child to a birthday party?

Yes, my child never notices and has sometimes tried to leave without it! And her friends. They're happy to have them but not bothered if they don't get them, particularly if they're a sibling or - I don't know- arrived without rsvp'ing. Maybe I just move among more resilient kids?

I don't know a single child who's standing there checking who got a party bag and who didn't, which is what's been implied they'd do upthread.

Or foie gras 😂

It's an established norm that you RSVP to parties.

You can't get extra personalised party bags if you don't know which CF is going to stroll in to the party with their child. A different party bag would've also been an issue to the CF because he wouldn't have had the same things in it the others were talking about.

YANBU OP! Also you reacted with far more humility than most in this situation. Slowly decrease contact with her, Amanda is a total CF! Unfortunately there’s always one like that, I’ve learnt to avoid them at all costs

Don't say that! The OP put a lot of thought and money into providing expensive personalised bags for these children. She'd be calling your child ungrateful and banning them from every returning.

I don’t pander to relatives of flaky people either. Not my circus not my monkeys. I have a full time job, an 11 year with an attitude to rival that of Hollywood diva, a son with a chronic condition and absolutely no fucks left to give. Other people’s kids ain’t my problem behind keeping them safe and amused at parties and play dates

You cannot be serious.

It's an established norm that you RSVP to parties.

yes of course this too.
But mishaps frequently do happen, plus there’s very often a stray sibling in attendance.

Yeah you're making it very clear you don't give a shit about children who aren't your own

Correct

Should I?

Actually I do, DS has some lovely friends who I have an “open door” policy in that they’re always welcome here. DD less so but she’ll get there. I love my nieces. Beyond that - no I don’t give a shit. And I didn’t leave anybody out. James’s mother left him out and that’s absolutely not my problem to remedy.

How was I harsh and inconsiderate? Because I didn’t fork out on behalf of someone else’s failure? Amanda can well afford a party bag, she’s also well able to RSVP to a party invitation, why should the onus be on me?

Ill tell you what feminism isn’t - being a massive walkover and telling yourself it’s ok because children

James' disappointment is totally on his mum. The OP buying him a party bag after the event would just be enabling Amanda's entitled cheeky fuckery! I am SO glad that my kids are too old to have parties now. On more than one occasion I had parents drop off the invited child AND an uninvited sibling! WTAF?!! The first time it happened I let it go, the second time I phoned the offending parent and told them them that they seem to have accidentally left both their children and could they get their arses back to pick up the one that wasn't actually invited as I'm not running a creche!!!

Love your username OP 😂

@JandamiHash Anyway I’ve had a text today to say how upset James is that he didn’t get a party bag, apparently the other kids are all bragging about their magic tricks that they’ve learnt with the party bag stuff and he’s feeling left out (she is forever messaging the mum’s group moaning he’s left out and nobody is his friend and expects us all to prioritise this with our own kids) and that I should have had spares.
I haven’t replied but WIBU to tell her that she should have RSVPd and the only person answerable to her son is her and her DH for sloppy organisation, and that plenty of children in the class didn’t attend the party. Also that I made reasonable adjustments for the food at my own expense. DH thinks I should send my bank details and ask for the extra £10 the vegan pizza cost!

I would just ghost her and not reply. I wouldn't bother to justify myself to her. Let her work it out for herself.

and when they happen, the parent should be grateful for whatever (if anything) is offered and be clear to the child that it was their mistake.

If the child is upset, it's ok. It's part of life and they will be fine, next time mum might remember to RSVP.

Extra party bags just encourages CF. Not to mention how incredibly different they'd be to the original party bags for this particular party anyway.

I would send her a link for the place where you got them from and reply , you can order one yourself .
The cheek on her is surreal .

i mean if other people want to be walkovers that’s fine but no one ever thanks them for it or even notices the nice things they do. They will perpetually have the piss taken out of them by total arseholes. It certainly won’t be me

Extra party bags just encourages CF

😂😂😂 . And destroys the environment , the host’s dignity/ self worth, and feminism!

Alternatively, if you are throwing a kids party you get a couple of extra bags to make sure every kid gets one. Because they are little kids and it’s a party.

Just ghost her OP

And if she raises it with you at the school gates just keep repeating versions of "Yeah I wish you'd RSVPed so I could have ordered James a party bag".

Actions have consequences. Sounds like Amanda needs to learn that lesson.

Banish children?! Banish 😂 He was invited! He just didn’t get a party bag because funnily enough I can’t magic one out my arse. I hardly sent him to live in exile in the woods FFS.

Op you have done zero wrong. Good for you for not pandering to her nonsense. Your party sounds wonderful.

It does.

If people like ''Amanda'' can just waltz in to a party without any consideration or thought to people like OP and also have a party bag waiting for them to encourage their behaviour, what's the point in RSVP's? Might as well just do away with them.

If it isn't a pleasant experience, they might think again next time. I wouldn't have even paid for the pizza.

The kids are also 8, not 2. Old enough to understand that parents make mistakes and a little bit of disappointment isn't the end of the world, they still got to see a cool magician and have pizza with friends.

TBF I’m not even sure DS knew he’d missed out on the pot painting party 😂

Not sure what you’re after here OP since you clearly don’t think you are being unreasonable.

So I have to buy different party bags in case some cheeky fucker drags an un-RSVPd kid or sibling along?