Child didn’t get a party bag

[JandamiHash]

Hosted my son’s 8th birthday on Sunday. I sent out invitations in December and made it clear when people had to get back to me (7th Jan). We hired a magician and included personalised party bags that the magician makes himself - they have each child’s name on the stuff inside and it also included a magic wand and some of the tricks he did on the day so the kids could try themselves at home. They were a quite expensive addition but I didn’t mind as I thought it was a nice touch. I also ordered Domino’s Pizza and just enough for the partygoers as again it can be very expensive.

One child whose parents didn’t RSVP turned up. The mum is a bit of an Amanda (as in from Motherland) and has form for being a bit of a PITA. I did say “Oh you didn’t RSVP, it’s absolutely fine to stay but sorry I don’t have a party bag for James, just to warn you.” She looked annoyed and just said “I did RSVP didn’t I?” And checked her phone before saying “Oh dear I forgot. What a shame he won’t have a party bag.”

She then told me James is now vegan like her (was previously vegetarian). I said “Oh sorry there are no vegan pizzas ordered”. Again she looked annoyed and said how it would be awful not to feed him, so I said it was fine I’d call dominoes now to add one onto the order. She shared it with him and took the leftovers home. I was pissed off, if that was me I’d have at least ordered one myself for my child, but this woman is deeply entitled and a massive CF. I would never leave a child without food though and feel like I did the right thing.

Anyway I’ve had a text today to say how upset James is that he didn’t get a party bag, apparently the other kids are all bragging about their magic tricks that they’ve learnt with the party bag stuff and he’s feeling left out (she is forever messaging the mum’s group moaning he’s left out and nobody is his friend and expects us all to prioritise this with our own kids) and that I should have had spares.

I haven’t replied but WIBU to tell her that she should have RSVPd and the only person answerable to her son is her and her DH for sloppy organisation, and that plenty of children in the class didn’t attend the party. Also that I made reasonable adjustments for the food at my own expense. DH thinks I should send my bank details and ask for the extra £10 the vegan pizza cost!

OP I agree with a £2 colouring book and no RSVP it sounds like the party was just an option they decided to take on the day.

You've written a good reply, but as she sounds like she still wants you to sort her mess out, if she brings it up again say you've lost the magician's number and if you'll find it you'll pass it on.

I would honestly send this; "Oh FGS Amanda, I'm sorry that James is upset but the reason that he didn't get a party bag is entirely down to the fact that you didn't reply to the party invite, therefore we weren't expecting him to turn up".

I don’t think upset is the situation, more amused and bemused!

Next sports day I'd stand near her and eat pepperamis. Slowly. And more than one

Exactly OP & why I was talking generally & not about your party. My children were pupils at a school where the competition to put on the biggest and best birthday party was rife & probably now the reason for my different views. At one point I couldn't see a space in my diary to have a family break at the weekend. I was becoming more and more stressed worrying about them. It was then I said enough is enough and I allowed them 3 or 4 a year.

I'm really impressed at how you've stood your ground graciously.

Just to add my two penny worth to the comments about how you should've invited everyone to stand in a park at -3 degrees temperatures - my parents lived in Scandinavia when they were first married in the 70s and my Dad, a scientist, said when it was -10 it felt a lot colder than when it was -30. It was something about how there was less moisture in the air at -30.
So basically you were right.

You were totally right in your response OP, although I wish you'd started the text with, "Amanda, you're going to like this, not a lot, but you'll like it".

Oh my goodness @JandamiHash this makes the ridiculous temper tantrum over no party bag even more outrageous! His Dad basically tried to make you feel bad over your son not being invited!

You really were the bigger person firstly inviting James and then letting him join the party and providing food after no RSVP given his Dad said this to you.

Honestly, I'd be encouraging your son to avoid this child (which he seemingly from your previous comments wants to do anyway). That family have a really toxic approach to human relationships! They seem to enjoy actively trying to put other people down.

I'd be sooooo tempted to respond 'Surely as there was a limit on numbers for James' party so that my son was not invited, you can understand that it's not always possible to magic up an extra space, or party bag, last minute. Don't worry, we won't be putting James in this situation again.'

Grey rock

Please do it and text her she's a CF

😂😂👏🏼

Create a WhatsApp group to thank everyone for the gifts and for attending the party. Add in your apologies for her sons disappointment regarding the party bag and that it’s a shame she didn’t RSVP as requested to enable that to happen.
The fault is hers, and everyone will see your response… who does she think she is!

The child wasn't the flaky one 🤷‍♀️

DoloresODonovan · Today 15:12

Needmorelego · Today 14:41
The kid will be over it by the weekend.
The mum hopefully too.
Next time - don't do such fancy party bags.

I gasped reading this, then read it again to be sure - next time is hostile authoritative, threatening, the ‘don’t do such fancy party bags’ sounds both mean, jealous and directional - who gave you licence to say what a party giver mum can do? she or anyone doesn’t need your permission !?!?!?

WTF? Sensible advice, in my opinion.

I honestly can't get my head around some of these replies and the audacity of that woman!!

My reply - Amanda, you didn't RSVP, you turned up unexpectedly, you literally stole a pizza and now you're asking me to buy your son a £12 party bag, when the gift you bought my son was a second hand £2 colouring book. No Amanda. Just no. I'd like the £X back for the pizza you stole from the party though.

😂

The child has two parents who can well afford to get him the toys. Why is this on OP to fix? She got every child who accepted a party bag. She did her bit.

Yeah you're making it very clear you don't give a shit about children who aren't your own. I hope you'll remember this anytime your own get hurt or left out by people who only care about their own children too.

Jesus.

James is not OP's responsibility. In fact if it were me, I'd make very, very certain of this going forward by having nothing to do with them.

In terms of James' wellbeing I am VERY sure the school staff are VERY aware of the nature of his parents and acting in James' best interests.

Well, I have never been to a child's party where a parent failed to RSVP, turned up anyway and then messaged the hosts afterwards to complain about a party bag. I think we will need to put this one down to different life experiences and expectations of what is normal. JandamiHash junior will see James at school tomorrow.

Right. But apparently being harsh and inconsiderate of small children = feminism.
This is mumsnet.

Well not about kids who weren't supposed to be at the party as they hadn't replied to the invitation, who her son doesn't like anyway, sounds fair enough to me. He got to watch the magician, and had a free pizza specially ordered in after the initial order. What more is she supposed to have done? She was overly nice in my book.

It's unfortunate that the boy misses out but OP can't allow the mother to walk all over her. Maybe this will stop and make her think and her son won't miss out next time.

But hell the other CF mum doesn’t even care about her own child! Now that is bad! Do you not bother with your own child and then cry about others not sorting it out for you?

This is the most bat shit post on the thread so far.

I think Amanda has found the thread.....