Child didn’t get a party bag

[JandamiHash]

Hosted my son’s 8th birthday on Sunday. I sent out invitations in December and made it clear when people had to get back to me (7th Jan). We hired a magician and included personalised party bags that the magician makes himself - they have each child’s name on the stuff inside and it also included a magic wand and some of the tricks he did on the day so the kids could try themselves at home. They were a quite expensive addition but I didn’t mind as I thought it was a nice touch. I also ordered Domino’s Pizza and just enough for the partygoers as again it can be very expensive.

One child whose parents didn’t RSVP turned up. The mum is a bit of an Amanda (as in from Motherland) and has form for being a bit of a PITA. I did say “Oh you didn’t RSVP, it’s absolutely fine to stay but sorry I don’t have a party bag for James, just to warn you.” She looked annoyed and just said “I did RSVP didn’t I?” And checked her phone before saying “Oh dear I forgot. What a shame he won’t have a party bag.”

She then told me James is now vegan like her (was previously vegetarian). I said “Oh sorry there are no vegan pizzas ordered”. Again she looked annoyed and said how it would be awful not to feed him, so I said it was fine I’d call dominoes now to add one onto the order. She shared it with him and took the leftovers home. I was pissed off, if that was me I’d have at least ordered one myself for my child, but this woman is deeply entitled and a massive CF. I would never leave a child without food though and feel like I did the right thing.

Anyway I’ve had a text today to say how upset James is that he didn’t get a party bag, apparently the other kids are all bragging about their magic tricks that they’ve learnt with the party bag stuff and he’s feeling left out (she is forever messaging the mum’s group moaning he’s left out and nobody is his friend and expects us all to prioritise this with our own kids) and that I should have had spares.

I haven’t replied but WIBU to tell her that she should have RSVPd and the only person answerable to her son is her and her DH for sloppy organisation, and that plenty of children in the class didn’t attend the party. Also that I made reasonable adjustments for the food at my own expense. DH thinks I should send my bank details and ask for the extra £10 the vegan pizza cost!

Wow! As someone who works in H&S that’s massively offensive 😂 we’re not all anoraks like she seems to be!

Poor James. It's such a shame when we parents disappoint our DCs because we forget things. Busy lives! I'm sure you will think of some way to make it up to him.

Other than that, forget about it. It's not worth the time feeling guilty because another mum messed up.

Parents like this do their children no favours.

Quite right. The OP planned the party for the number of children whose Mums had RSVPd - not for the careless one who needs to get her act together and thinks she’s entitled to whinge after the event.

@Nonaynevernomore ok yeah.....it does sound bossy 😂😂😂😂
I accept that criticism.
So attempt number two -
"Maybe next time don't do such fancy party bags" 😁 (or do whatever you want of course).
Seriously though normally here on Mumsnet party bags are considered evil tat that's destroying the planet and they should be illegal (ok..... exaggerating).

@DisabledDemon if you read all my comments on this thread you will see I have accepted my comment was a bit off hand 🙂

Me too, other than the use of "I'm sorry..." at the beginning.

"Shame that James is sad about the lack of a party bag. Don't be too hard on yourself though, we've all forgotten to reply to an RSVP before. The party bags were supplied by - xxxx - their contact details if you want to surprise him are...... Glad I managed to do a last minute change to the Dominos order to add a vegan pizza for him though so at least he was able to join in with everything else." Adding ("also, did you take the leftovers as I couldn't see it when I was clearing up?" if you're super keen to make a point!

If it's in a group chat, at least you're then also giving the rest of the group the heads up about his new vegan status because you can bet your bottom dollar she won't have mentioned it to the other parents either!

FWIW I do not feel bossed around by you 😂

Some of this responses are 🤌🏼

I’d send a link to the magician if she wanted to order the magic kit. But then I don’t have time for annoying bullshit like she seems to come out with! Shame for her son he misses out.
Sounds like a great party.

Really? Likely James has already moved on, his mother should get him a special treat’ as she’s the one who didn’t RSVP.

cascais do you always lay down and let people walk over you?

@JandamiHash thanks 🙂
I didn't mean to sound bossy. It just comes out that way sometimes 😂
(By the way - I have some lovely memories of the random bits and bobs my daughter got in party bags over the years. She's the ultimate hoarder collector of small plastic objects)

Everyone knows it's not nuclear weapons or slave labour fast fashion destroying the planet, but party bag magic tricks.

I wouldn't ask for the £10 but maybe reply with 'It IS a shame James didn't get the bag (and his dietary requirement wasn't included) but we had already planned around the RSVP's. Had we known he was attending we'd have ensured he had a party bag and pizza."

Don't let her think it's your fault that she's flaky.

And I thought it was just certain children nowadays who were becoming more and more entitled,especially regarding birthdays. It appears this particular parent is proving me wrong.

I did bucket and spade one year! Right before the summer hols still used now 😁

The thread is really not about the party bags or their contents though (albeit the personalisation bit is kind of relevant) - it’s about the complete cheek of this woman and whether/how the op should respond.
(Fwiw I agree with you about hating plastic tat-filled party bags, although these sound like items may have a bit more play value and longevity).

Hard disagree.

It makes far more sense to point out that no RSVP, equals No party bag. Maybe next time they’ll get their act together?

I never had spares and if extra siblings turned up it was made clear that they could only have food that was left over after the invited children had eaten. (This occasion was when the mum turned up with 2 older male siblings who ran amok.) Thankfully, that was my last catered kids party at home. After that we took DC out with about 3 or 4 invited friends.

@Mnetcurious sorry.....but I quite like some of the plastic "tat" that comes in party bags !
I find it's often the little toys that children like the best.

Perfect reply!

Poor little James, his mum will be the social death of him

So I wasn’t gonna post the reply word for word but I think I’ve probably already outed myself, so fuck it
here’s what I sent:

Hi Amanda
As I said at the party, the bags were personalised and because I didn’t get an RSVP I didn’t get one made for James. Had I got an RSVP I would of course have included him. But don’t feel too bad about it - we all make mistakes and kids have a funny way of making us feel bad! Mum guilt is the worst 😔 The magician may be able to make you a personal bag - he was really accommodating to us I’m sure he’d be able to help you out! They were £12 each but absolutely worth it, and you can pay him via PayPal too which is handy. I’ll forward his contact card.

I put the PayPal bit on as didn’t want her thinking I was offering to pay

Hope it is suitably passive aggressive 🙈

"We were really happy that James made it along but we weren't expecting him because you hadn't sent an RSVP.
The party bags, which were personalised, had to be ordered in advance. We ordered for those who had confirmed.
Next week they'll all be into something else no doubt.
Have a nice evening. xx"

Just reiterate what you've already told her. Don't get into any of the nitty gritty or fire shots at her...you want rid of her, not to encourage her.
Dull facts politely stated.
She'd have to be a right twat to keep on after that. At which point you ignore her.

Very good, nice and neutral.