Therapist won’t let me cancel!

[Moocow1995]

Hi all

Bit of a strange one really. I have been going to talking therapy / CBT with a therapist for the last couple of years. It’s expensive- £75 per session.

I have had some very good sessions with her but some others where I have come away feeling that the advice wasn’t totally sound but that’s neither here nor there really. I started therapy due to a particularly difficult break up and having escaped an abusive boyfriend in 2019 and I do feel that I am in the most part ‘recovered’ from the damage caused by that situation and so the therapy is more of a nice to have than a complete essential now.

A couple of months ago, I explained to her that due to changes in my financial situation I would like to cut down to fortnightly sessions. This was met with a lot of disagreement and often half of my 50 minute session would be taken up with her telling me I would really benefit from weekly sessions. This was frustrating as I was paying more than I could afford for appointments in which I was making no progress and coming away feeling stressed. Nonetheless she eventually relented and I dropped down to fortnightly sessions.

She now spends almost my entire session moaning about me having dropped down to fortnightly. I am finding very little value in this now and am also expecting my first baby so have said I will be cancelling completely at the end of May.

She has taken this really badly and I feel like I am spending the whole session defending this decision and my financial situation to her. She has even suggested that I ask my partner or parents to continue paying.

It is probably worth mentioning that I am under no contractual agreement in this situation.

So, would I be unreasonable to just send an email to say ‘I will be ceasing all therapy sessions as of X date’ and refuse to engage any further? Previously she inundated me with calls and messages when I tried this approach when dropping down to fortnightly sessions.

If I ABU to take this approach, how would you get out of it?

It is causing me quite a lot of stress and financial pressure at a time I could do without it.

Thank you for taking the time to read if you got this far.

OP, I would send her this message:

"I just wanted to let you know that I will not be returning for any further sessions, as I have previously discussed.

Since a lot of our work together has been focussed on giving me the confidence to set boundaries and stand up for myself when I don’t feel situations are right or beneficial to me, I feel it has been strange and counterproductive for you to bat all of my boundaries/ requests and very reasonable explanations away at every given opportunity.

I wish you all the best for the future. Kind regards etc"

To be honest this is exactly why I made the post to get an outside perspective because I am admittedly not massively confident in myself and probably could do with some help finding my voice. I just don’t think she is the therapist for me at this point or ever again

Channel your inner Sir Alan Sugar.

Point your metaphorical index finger at her , and say

☝️ ''You're fired.'' ☝️

Are you a therapist by any chance?

That's crazy of her. Email you will not be returning. You don't owe her anything you've been a consistent customer for a long time but she is no longer supplying a quality service.

Brilliant!
''You are not the therapist for me, at this point or ever again''

👏

I agree 💯. This is something my 13 years old would do. She finds it really hard to go against what someone says (except for what I say😒) even when it affects her. I'm seriously working on her because I don't know how she will manage in the future. Its tough out there

There's some shocking therapists out there. A number who are in it totally for themselves. Wolves in sheep clothing.

Totally agree, a lot of them are very damaged people themselves and that’s why they go into the industry in the first place, I have always been wary of them

Tell her thank you for helping you work on asserting your boundaries and you are cancelling all future sessions as they are no longer benefiting you and to please not contact you trying to make you feel guilty for not giving her any more money.

Then block her.

Cancel with immediate effect. Possibly seek a refund for the sessions where she hasn't been acting as a therapist.
Contact her regulatory body about the concerns you have about her conduct. She is out of order.

Absolutely this. Her conduct absolutely goes against the principles of CBT. We cannot push or coerce anyone to remain in therapy. We are guided by you. CBT will not work if someone doesn't want it, feeling stagnant and has no goals. I don't understand what she's trying to achieve except for taking your money. Complain and make sure your future therapist is BABCP accredited.

Completely agree with this.

The fact that you're doubting yourself indicates there may be more work to do. But not with her.

She wants you to continue because she's earning money out of you. But as already has been said, you are the customer and you decide whether or not you want to pay for her services. It is not her decision to make, it's yours.

Just tell her you won't be attending anymore, stop engaging with her and block. This is the problem with a lot of so called therapists, they are crooks at best, cons at worst. I have unfortunately come across quite a few in my time. The worst was extremely manipulative and revelled in my misery. I still feel angry about it.

She sounds very unprofessional and I would suggest reporting her as she is manipulating potentially vulnerable people. I’ve had 3 thesrpists each for about 9 months. The first explained in first session that it’s unusual to work with someone for more than a year and that she’d expect a natural end to develop. She said that she felt if I still needed therapy beyond about a year it would probably be time to move to a different therapist. My 2nd therapist agreed with that. With all three therapists I said I’d stopped feeling like I was getting as much out of them and they were all absolutely fine, in fact I’d say they felt pleased and like this validated the work we’d been doing. Your therapist response sounds more focused on her own interests

It does sound like you may need to do some work around boundaries and assertiveness- there’s plenty that can be done online for free and some in person from various charities depending on where you are based.

the therapist you are currently working with is clearly not effective as after 2 years and being fully aware of your history she is not able or willing to respect your boundaries. She has acted unethically and you should report this

send a email giving her notice that you will no longer be requiring her services. If she contacts you in regards to payment for sessions that you don’t attend state that you have no contract with her

also do not engage in messages or calls with her.

Five pages later can’t be bothered to read - sorry - fuck her off and get someone else.

@SchrodingersTwat2 the CBT professional body is the BABCP.

The frustrating thing about this situation is that if she is unethical and poor at her job she is more than likely not accredited by any professional body of any substance. Of course, being an accredited member of a decent professional body like BABCP or BACP (counsellors psychotherapists) is no watertight guarantee but in the case of the BABCP (as that's the one I know) accreditation by them indicates a core profession or further training, a post grad qualification and CBT specific clinical supervision and ongoing CBT and related training, with the need to reaccredit each year and practice audit. If @Moocow1995's therapist was an accredited member and Moocow complained then this therapist could well be prevented from reaccrediting based on what MooCow has said.

However, if the therapist has done a weekend certificate and set herself up with none of the above and what often comes with this: no insurance, no safeguarding or risk training, no GDPR compliance, no supervision etc then there is nowhere to take a complaint. It's very unfair on people who may be very vulnerable and it's very frustrating for therapists and counsellors who try hard to work ethically and wish it was harder to claim expertise in this area for the sake of people looking for support. How are the general public supposed to know who to trust?

Does she claim to have an accrediting professional body @Moocow1995? Not just as a member but with specific accreditation/registration?

CBT isn't supposed to be long term, IDK exactly how long you've been seeing her but 5 - 20 sessions is about right. It's also not suitable for complex PTSD, which you might have.

If you feel strong enough, consider reporting her to Citizens Advice as well as her professional body if she has one.

What can she be saying that takes half a session every session? She must sound like a broken record. Surely that’s enough reason to want to cancel without having to explain yourself!

I voted YABU because you should have just stopped the sessions when she started acting like this. Why on earth are you still paying for these sessions, when she is causing you more stress and wasting both your time and money, trying to get you to continue these sessions? You say you are under no contractual agreement, so just tell her that you won’t be back, you will be putting a complaint in to her professional body and just block her. End. Of.

You really should report her too.

(and get a refund on all those wasted sessions!)

She now spends almost my entire session moaning about me having dropped down to fortnightly. I am finding very little value in this now

If you went to a nail tech, and they spent most of the appointment moaning that you needed to come more often and only painted half your nails as a result, you'd never go back.

Your mental health is more important than your nails.

In the bin with them.

£75 a session, for 2 years!!

Op. Just cancel and block. They are clearly ineffective if they haven't helped you develop basic strategies to assert yourself.

Maybe try the gym or yoga? I know you are now pregnant but some gentle physical activity may well do wonders for your mental wellbeing where this person doesn't seem to have helped at all.

Ever again it is. It's such a shame that you could not have a therapeutic experience free from judgement. You should feel totally safe in this relationship when you bring stuff up like the bi-weekly sessions. She could have course have said she does weekly sessions only and you would have had the option to leave or continue, but what she does it not ethical. Do not waste anymore energy on debating on whether or not you are unreasonable. You are not. There are better therapists out there.