Therapist won’t let me cancel!

[Moocow1995]

Hi all

Bit of a strange one really. I have been going to talking therapy / CBT with a therapist for the last couple of years. It’s expensive- £75 per session.

I have had some very good sessions with her but some others where I have come away feeling that the advice wasn’t totally sound but that’s neither here nor there really. I started therapy due to a particularly difficult break up and having escaped an abusive boyfriend in 2019 and I do feel that I am in the most part ‘recovered’ from the damage caused by that situation and so the therapy is more of a nice to have than a complete essential now.

A couple of months ago, I explained to her that due to changes in my financial situation I would like to cut down to fortnightly sessions. This was met with a lot of disagreement and often half of my 50 minute session would be taken up with her telling me I would really benefit from weekly sessions. This was frustrating as I was paying more than I could afford for appointments in which I was making no progress and coming away feeling stressed. Nonetheless she eventually relented and I dropped down to fortnightly sessions.

She now spends almost my entire session moaning about me having dropped down to fortnightly. I am finding very little value in this now and am also expecting my first baby so have said I will be cancelling completely at the end of May.

She has taken this really badly and I feel like I am spending the whole session defending this decision and my financial situation to her. She has even suggested that I ask my partner or parents to continue paying.

It is probably worth mentioning that I am under no contractual agreement in this situation.

So, would I be unreasonable to just send an email to say ‘I will be ceasing all therapy sessions as of X date’ and refuse to engage any further? Previously she inundated me with calls and messages when I tried this approach when dropping down to fortnightly sessions.

If I ABU to take this approach, how would you get out of it?

It is causing me quite a lot of stress and financial pressure at a time I could do without it.

Thank you for taking the time to read if you got this far.

YANBU

Any conversation she needs to have with you of this nature - where it is in her interests to increase her income by convincing you to have more sessions - should be done in time you are not paying for. In time you are paying for it is totally inappropriate for her to effectively use YOUR time for HER sales pitch.

I don't think you can trust her though so should cease all sessions.

She's being incredibly unprofessional. Is she registered with any regulating body? I'd record a couple of sessions and then submit a complaint to her awarding body.

I had a therapist 30 years ago who manipulated me into staying with her for four long, tedious, getting-nowhere years. It became clear that I was a regular income for her: she worked from a lovely home with, I'm guessing, a large mortgage. After that experience I would never, ever enter into open-ended counselling or therapy. Six weeks, ten weeks, yes — and then another six or ten weeks if things are going well.

@Owly11
I understand that but she agreed to it.
Sessions were held over Zoom.
I said it didn't have to be the same time each week, I could be flexible with times and dates if that suited her better but could only afford twice monthly sessions or thereabouts.
She didn't change her mind prior to our next session but ended them after our first bi-weekly session for reasons unknown.

I have had a good therapist, some ok and some really quite awful. And she I would put in the latter category. She never even remembered my name.

@Moocow1995 I can't believe what I'm reading here!

She sounds absolutely awful and desperately unprofessional.

Definitely report her.

Endless counselling is often not useful - a short series of concentrated sessions is much better.

She sounds hopeless and is probably relying on your money.

Report her as others have said.

I would be complaining to her professional body and requesting a refund for some sessions as it sounds very dodgy to me

Please cancel now, send the email and ignore any further communication from her. You are perfectly within your rights to do so.

I agree with many pps that you need to cancel with immediate effect. No “at the end of” no further session. And tell her why. She’s already breached any contract by not actually providing the service paid for!

And this too.

I went to therapy and it was in a female therapist’s house. It was beautiful.
She said she hoped I didn’t mind that she had two furniture deliveries that were late. She literally stopped when I was speaking to let the delivery men in.
She also had a huge, large dog that barked its head off.
Two seasons in and I never went back!

Why are you sticking with her until the end of May if you’re under no contractual obligation? Cancel her immediately, block her, and report her. She’s incredibly unprofessional.

WOW!. that is terrible. She sounds really unprofessional. I think you should stop seeing her immediately and block her number.

What regulatory body is she registered with op for example BACP? Is one listed on her website?

What you're describing sounds highly unprofessional... counselling (depending on the approach) is generally about coping strategies and reflection so I don't think she should be giving you advice as such. Plus - if your finances mean you can't afford her then she needs to either accommodate that or refer to on to someone cheaper. £75 a session is a lot. To take 30 minutes of your session challenging you on how much therapy SHE thinks you need is highly unprofessional and I'd guess this is more about her own finances than your wellbeing. It's hard for us to say given its just the two of you in the room so we're only getting your perspective- but if she's making you feel uncomfortable and under pressure then something isn't right and I'd be looking to change therapist. Really a good therapist is looking to help you feel empowered and to build your own resilience whereas this sounds like she's working towards dependency which is not healthy. I'd report her as well.

The fact that you feel unable to say 'I am cancelling all sessions as of now' is a sign the therapy is not working for you.

It is a normal every day occurrence to cease services that you no longer need. You do not need the service providers approval to do so ( unless under contract which you say you are not).

I would absolutely send the e-mail and have no further contact with her, I would also make a complaint to a professional body as she is undoubtably doing this to some more of her clients

I believe some therapists have no real interest in seeing their patients fully recover as it’s not in their best interest as they end up loosing business

They may help you a bit but then feed into your insecurities / other issues at other times just to keep you hanging on and paying them

This is ridiculous. You're under no obligation to continue therapy and it sounds like extremely poor value for money. Send her a firm email and then block her on everything.

@Moocow1995 I knew of an extremely good CBT therapist years ago-

I recommended that someone I know saw him, and the person was told that he wouldn't be needing many sessions , as too many can be counterproductive.

Friend found the 6 sessions they had were very insightful. {the first one was free to see if they could work together}

Some counsellors are really awful, as you have found out.

Leave now, please don't keep funding this awful woman until May!

Thanks very much all for the replies. I suppose I was just checking I was in the right to cancel without further notice based on this experience. She is indeed BACP registered yes. I think I will take the approach of cancelling ASAP and not waiting until May and then blocking on all avenues.

Ironically a lot of our work together has been focussed on giving me the confidence to set boundaries and stand up for myself when I don’t feel situations are right or beneficial to me, so it has been strange and counterproductive for her to bat all of my boundaries/ requests and very reasonable explanations away at every given opportunity.

I do agree that she is providing a service and I am a customer and so it is not up to her whether or not I continue!

I'd point that out to her about the boundaries work when you tell her you are cancelling - good point!

Won’t let you cancel?

But you can cancel OP. You just stop going. Enough is enough now. Without a contract there’s nothing she can do.
But do the right thing and send her a simple message thanking her for some very good sessions but you feel you have come to the end of the road and therfore won’t be attending any more sessions. You don’t even have to tell her why.

But if you do feel like telling her why then just tell her the truth. Say that her ‘therapy’ has now become detrimental to your anxiety levels/mental health, as well as your bank balance and feels more like bullying.

Please do not even think of continuing until May. Save yourself the £700.

I went to a therapist for two years and found it extremely beneficial but I remember situations not dissimilar to the ones you've described where I wanted to reduce to twice a month and was told no but she would give me a free session here and there instead (which I was uncomfortable with and refused). Another time I said I wanted to stop for a while and she said it was very important I stopped in the correct manner over four weeks.

It was all a bit odd and looking back felt unfair as I trusted her so implicitly.

I really benefitted from the therapy and then after two years began to feel I didn't need it so much anymore. There were two sessions where I felt they had largely been a waste of time and money.

I changed jobs and was thrown in the deep end, the location was different and I missed two sessions. I messaged apologising and paid anyway as per the agreement. I then said I wouldn't be back as it was too inconvenient and I wanted to stop anyway, thanks for everything etc.

I vaguely remember getting an argumentative message back, I was so busy in work (and highly motivated) that I didn't pay much attention but was mildly irked. I responded that I wouldn't be returning for the foreseeable. I forgot about it.

A couple of years later I was diagnosed with an aggressive illness and lost a close relative. I decided to return to therapy so contacted her asking if she had any availability just for a few sessions while I was visiting the city for three weeks. The appointment was made over text.

When I arrived she told me to take a seat then to my absolute shock said "before we continue we need to discuss the abrupt manner in which you left" when I was perplexed she looked totally stunned and said "you don't think there was anything wrong with how you finished up with me"

I said no I didn't. I told you I was leaving, I paid you for the sessions I didn't attend and I gave a week's notice. I had no contract with you. I no longer wanted or needed therapy.

She looked rattled but I actually thought my actions were testament to her doing a good job on me that I was assertive and calm now.

''Really a good therapist is looking to help you feel empowered and to build your own resilience whereas this sounds like she's working towards dependency which is not healthy. I'd report her as well.''
^^

Sums it up.

How dare this poor quality therapist waste OP's time and money in this way.

Actually, OP, you are PAYING to listen to this 'the rapist' to whine and moan.

She's actually abusing you.

We don't have a 'governing body' in the UK.
OP just send an email to say as of xxx date you won't attend and as you are the client this is your choice, Id also ask her not to reply BUT as a therapist myself I would make this today's date and never go back.
This could cause you damage and needs to stop asap, sorry you've come across someone so unprofessional and unethical.

The fact that you are feeling so nervous of asserting your boundaries here suggests you still have some therapeutic work to be done to help your sense of self worth and finding your voice.

That said, this woman is obviously deeply unprofessional and you should quit immediately without feeling guilty.

Honestly, I wouldn't go back. That's completely inappropriate.

Totally agree with all of this.
you absolutely are under no obligation, or contract and if you don’t owe her anything just stop seeing her. Good luck OP!