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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset with DS

169 replies

Justamumsopinion · 14/01/2025 21:09

My DC spends 2.5 days a week with her DGPs. My DD works full time and my DM works part time and cares for my DN. My DPs were very keen to be active grandparents and I've included them in my DCs life from the start. They adore my DC and have an incredible bond. We are extremely grateful to have their support as my DHs parents are not able to offer as much as they both work full time.

DS has had her second DC a few months ago and as a result has moved back to our home town. DS has some unusual views on parenting for example she wouldn't allow our parents to see their first DC for several weeks after they were born as she wanted protected family time etc. Her DC had not been allowed to sleep over my DPs house for the first year and she has very strict rules for when her DC visits. My DS also, up until recently lived in a different country. As a result my DPs have not been able to establish the same bond as they have with my DC.

My DS has asked me whether I would consider putting my daughter into nursery more so her DC can have protected time with my DPs. My DC is in nursery for 2 days and I have half day a week when we have some time together. My DS is struggling with managing her newborn with another DC. She is exclusively breastfeeding and will not allow the baby to be held by anyone else. Her DH works from home and does all the cleaning and washing and also supports with cooking. They have support from DHs family. His DM has their DC for 2 days per week. My DPs have offered to have her DC on the same days they have my DC but she wants them to offer separate days. My DPs are unable to do this as they work. As I feel my DS is struggling with her mental health so I have agreed to reducing my DCs time with her DGP by flexing my hours so I can work later in the evening when my DH is home so I spend an additional afternoon with my DC. This will only be possible if my DC continues to nap as I often have meetings in the day. If she stops napping, I will need to put my DC in nursery for an additional afternoon. I wouldn't mind doing this at all if my DS needed support with work or if my DPs found it difficult to have the DC together. My DS is on maternity leave and has a network of support whereas I work full time and have another DC (12) and only have my parents which to be honest is irrelevant. I don't send my DC to my DPs for reduce childcare costs (it's a bonus) I send her because they want that time with their DGC and it's what I had growing up.

For context, my DS is mortgage free, both have highly paid jobs and generous maternity. She only pays to send her DC to a playgroup for few hours each week. I'm upset that my arrangement with my DPs has been altered as a result of my DSs demands. I'm also upset that she wants me to put my DC into nursery for additional days whereas her DC doesn't go to nursery. Her DC spends 2 days a week with DHs parents and she has also been offered 2.5 days from my DPs.

Should I address this with my DS? Her DC will be able to go to school full time in a few months. Should I just ride it out?

Further context... My DC and her DC adore each other too. They love playing together and we often go for days out with my DS and her family.

Thanks for reading and sorry it's so long

OP posts:
SereneFish · 14/01/2025 21:10

DI thinks DU should rewrite this using actual Dwords because I don't have a Dclue who is who or what's going Don.

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 14/01/2025 21:13

How is it going to work if they can't actually hold the baby??
Is it her pfb by any chance??. She sounds very ott..

ExtraOnions · 14/01/2025 21:13

I think I get the gist .. despite too many “Ds” confusing matter.

She asked if you could change you schedule, you had the option to say “no”.

You can’t change it back now, it’s too late.

Notgivenuphope · 14/01/2025 21:15

Your sister actually sounds unhinged. What does her partner have to say about her behaviour?

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 14/01/2025 21:16

You've made this really confusing by using the wrong abbreviations. Can you try again?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/01/2025 21:16

Why does she want her child to have protected time with her parents when yours isn't there?

I think you just say no on the basis that its going to be additional financial burden on you, and you're only doing it in the first place because your parents have asked.

Bobbybobbins · 14/01/2025 21:16

Both you and your DSis are very lucky to have so much family support! (Sorry know this doesn't really answer your question)

Squirrelblanket · 14/01/2025 21:17

No idea what you're talking about due to the confusing acronyms. Didn't read the whole thing.

RandomMess · 14/01/2025 21:17

I would stick to the arrangements you already have with your parents.

Suggest sister pays for a nanny.

Neodymium · 14/01/2025 21:17

She sounds entitled and spoiled. No way would I be putting my child into nursery so her child had exclusive access to grandparents. Sounds like she just doesn’t like your child. She doesn’t like it she can put her child into nursery

TimeForTeaAndG · 14/01/2025 21:19

Are all these replies from new posters?! The only acronym which could be viewed as incorrect is DS but it can mean sister or son and I think it's quite clear which one is being used here.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 14/01/2025 21:19

Your sister is incredibly selfish and by agreeing to her demands you are enabling this.
Why should your child miss out on time with grandparents at your sister's say so?
Stop being a doormat and tell your sister to fucking do one, there is nothing 'D' about her-at all

SheridansPortSalut · 14/01/2025 21:19

My sister is very similar. In my experience, discussing anything with her will get you nowhere. You can decide to gently say no or gently say yes but any kind of rational conversation is likely to go badly. The key here is eggshells. It's only for a few months until they start school. By then there will be some new drama but that won't be your problem.

PeachRose1986 · 14/01/2025 21:19

Your sister sounds like she likes to throw her weight around. Sounds like she needs to be tol ‘no’.

Comedycook · 14/01/2025 21:19

Seems like you and your sister are both pretty entitled

Mumistiredzzzz · 14/01/2025 21:20

Stop with the abbreviations...
You should have just said no to altering the arrangement
Your sister sounds a weirdo.

CharlotteStreetW1 · 14/01/2025 21:20

Forgive my ignorance but what the hell is "protected time"?

TangerineClementine · 14/01/2025 21:20

I think your sister is being selfish here. The obvious answer is for your parents to care for their grandchildren on the same day - it's rubbish that she wants you to put your DC in nursery instead.

Hercisback1 · 14/01/2025 21:21

I think your mum is a hero having 2 kids under school age.

If you can suck it up in the short term I'd do it.

I'd also check that your sister is OK. What support would be useful for her? Is her mental health suffering, or is she not prepared to put in the 2 child effort?

I can't really say WIBU. It seems like she wants 1:1 time but does she need it? Will your parents hell her once your child is at school?

JustMarriedBecca · 14/01/2025 21:21

I can kind of understand what your sister is getting at. Probably, if you asked her, your parents don't get to know her kids because they know yours and your kids treat the GPs like their second house and her kids feel like they are not as welcome. I say this as the sister in your situation. We had years of present buying for my kids based on the wants and needs of the other grandchildren. Our kids not being allowed to play with toys because they belonged to the grandkids who had spent more time there historically.

I think if your sisters kids are going to school in a few months and you've had all the support to date, you could let her have this for some of the time you've exclusively had your parents to date.

Your sisters financial situation is slightly irrelevant. She isn't going to be thinking of the financial cost (when you have cash you tend not to be as obsessed by it) but rather the time and bond established to date.

Createausername1970 · 14/01/2025 21:22

SereneFish · 14/01/2025 21:10

DI thinks DU should rewrite this using actual Dwords because I don't have a Dclue who is who or what's going Don.

Edited

I am with you on this one. I got very confused.

ChristmasGrinch24 · 14/01/2025 21:22

I'm confused. To many Ds and Dd And Dc.

MumChp · 14/01/2025 21:23

Try again. Too confusing.

Hercisback1 · 14/01/2025 21:23

Ahh it's her kids going to school, not yours.

I'd be open about the financial burden. I think she needs to know you can't really afford it.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 14/01/2025 21:23

Your sister sounds deranged

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