AIBU to be upset with DS

[Justamumsopinion]

My DC spends 2.5 days a week with her DGPs. My DD works full time and my DM works part time and cares for my DN. My DPs were very keen to be active grandparents and I've included them in my DCs life from the start. They adore my DC and have an incredible bond. We are extremely grateful to have their support as my DHs parents are not able to offer as much as they both work full time.

DS has had her second DC a few months ago and as a result has moved back to our home town. DS has some unusual views on parenting for example she wouldn't allow our parents to see their first DC for several weeks after they were born as she wanted protected family time etc. Her DC had not been allowed to sleep over my DPs house for the first year and she has very strict rules for when her DC visits. My DS also, up until recently lived in a different country. As a result my DPs have not been able to establish the same bond as they have with my DC.

My DS has asked me whether I would consider putting my daughter into nursery more so her DC can have protected time with my DPs. My DC is in nursery for 2 days and I have half day a week when we have some time together. My DS is struggling with managing her newborn with another DC. She is exclusively breastfeeding and will not allow the baby to be held by anyone else. Her DH works from home and does all the cleaning and washing and also supports with cooking. They have support from DHs family. His DM has their DC for 2 days per week. My DPs have offered to have her DC on the same days they have my DC but she wants them to offer separate days. My DPs are unable to do this as they work. As I feel my DS is struggling with her mental health so I have agreed to reducing my DCs time with her DGP by flexing my hours so I can work later in the evening when my DH is home so I spend an additional afternoon with my DC. This will only be possible if my DC continues to nap as I often have meetings in the day. If she stops napping, I will need to put my DC in nursery for an additional afternoon. I wouldn't mind doing this at all if my DS needed support with work or if my DPs found it difficult to have the DC together. My DS is on maternity leave and has a network of support whereas I work full time and have another DC (12) and only have my parents which to be honest is irrelevant. I don't send my DC to my DPs for reduce childcare costs (it's a bonus) I send her because they want that time with their DGC and it's what I had growing up.

For context, my DS is mortgage free, both have highly paid jobs and generous maternity. She only pays to send her DC to a playgroup for few hours each week. I'm upset that my arrangement with my DPs has been altered as a result of my DSs demands. I'm also upset that she wants me to put my DC into nursery for additional days whereas her DC doesn't go to nursery. Her DC spends 2 days a week with DHs parents and she has also been offered 2.5 days from my DPs.

Should I address this with my DS? Her DC will be able to go to school full time in a few months. Should I just ride it out?

Further context... My DC and her DC adore each other too. They love playing together and we often go for days out with my DS and her family.

Thanks for reading and sorry it's so long

Its the sisters dh parents that have them not her dh's

She's doesn't say she doesn't have. She says she only has her parents but her ds has her in-laws as well

So dsis wants eldest to spend 2 days with in laws, 2.5 days with your parents and some hours at playgroup. All while she’s on maternity leave with a baby she refuses to put down? Poor kid being pushed out for mummy’s new baby. I understand needing a tot of help when you have a new baby but it’s not fair on your eldest to have no time at all with them! And her husband does all the housework while working cuz she won’t put baby down?

There's 7 days in a week not 5 sister only has childcare for 4.5 days so would be 2.5 days with mum

If I was the Grandmother, my answer would be no to the pair of you.

So she sending her kid else where for 4.5 days a week when she's not even got the need for childcare. To me that's incredibly selfish that's her child she should be the one caring for it. Allow the grandparents to have the kid yeah but no need for as long. Poor child is away from home more than with parents. I think you should just tell your sister that you can't afford to change the routine and that it's not good for your child for their routine to be changed anyway. It's good for the cousins to spend time together and bond as well. As for your sister not allowing anyone to hold newborn does daddy even get to hold baby? If not then he's not getting to bond and that's not right
I think your sister needs help.
Xxxx

Confused by the acronyms but she sounds insane. Why should get child get a monopoly and bet GPs when they're willing to have them together? What is your mum's position on it all, seeing as she's the one providing the childcare?

You need to rewrite using the right Ds its really confusing to read

Lol same, I'm very confused

I'd just say no.

My parents usually only have my niece and nephew (cousins about 18 months apart) on the same 2 or 3 days (now they're a bit older, both after school and full Saturdays, previously full week days) per week. This is partly because it means there are fewer days devoted to childcare so they have some free time in their retirement, and partly because the cousins play together so it's less intense for my parents (who'd otherwise have to focus attention completely on one child all day!). And they can play board games etc or games like hide and seek or nerf gun wars (that really need more than one kid to be properly fun) with my parents as a little group.

As a result the cousins have a brilliant relationship both with each other and with my parents. There's definitely no favouritism for the older DN even though they have known and looked after him longer, just as there wouldn't (or shouldn't) be with people's own older DC. And my siblings are happy that their kids are being treated exactly the same.

I don't see any benefit to what your sister is proposing.

My child spends 2.5 days a week with her grandparents. My Dad works full time and my mum works part time and cares for my daughter (?). My parents were very keen to be active grandparents and I've included them in my childs life from the start. They adore my child and have an incredible bond. We are extremely grateful to have their support as my DHs parents are not able to offer as much as they both work full time.
Sister has had her second child a few months ago and as a result has moved back to our home town. Sister has some unusual views on parenting for example she wouldn't allow our parents to see their first child for several weeks after they were born as she wanted protected family time etc. Her child had not been allowed to sleep over my parents house for the first year and she has very strict rules for when her child visits. My sister also, up until recently lived in a different country. As a result my parents have not been able to establish the same bond as they have with my child.
My sister has asked me whether I would consider putting my daughter into nursery more so her child can have protected time with my parents. My child is in nursery for 2 days and I have half day a week when we have some time together. My sister is struggling with managing her newborn with another child. She is exclusively breastfeeding and will not allow the baby to be held by anyone else. Her DH works from home and does all the cleaning and washing and also supports with cooking. They have support from DHs family. His mum has their child for 2 days per week. My parents have offered to have her child on the same days they have my child but she wants them to offer separate days. My parents are unable to do this as they work. As I feel my sister is struggling with her mental health so I have agreed to reducing my child's time with her grandparents by flexing my hours so I can work later in the evening when my DH is home so I spend an additional afternoon with my child. This will only be possible if my child continues to nap as I often have meetings in the day. If she stops napping, I will need to put my child in nursery for an additional afternoon. I wouldn't mind doing this at all if my sister needed support with work or if my parents found it difficult to have the children together. My sister is on maternity leave and has a network of support whereas I work full time and have another child (12) and only have my parents which to be honest is irrelevant. I don't send my child to my parents for reduce childcare costs (it's a bonus) I send her because they want that time with their grandchildren and it's what I had growing up.
For context, my sister is mortgage free, both have highly paid jobs and generous maternity. She only pays to send her child to a playgroup for few hours each week. I'm upset that my arrangement with my parents has been altered as a result of my sister's demands. I'm also upset that she wants me to put my child into nursery for additional days whereas her child doesn't go to nursery. Her child spends 2 days a week with her DHs parents and she has also been offered 2.5 days from my parents.
Should I address this with my sister? Her child will be able to go to school full time in a few months. Should I just ride it out?
Further context... My child and her child adore each other too. They love playing together and we often go for days out with my sister and her family.
Thanks for reading and sorry it's so long

(Sorry for quoting OP, I think this could be an exception)

All about what Dsis wants nothing about what DPs have to say about their arrangements.
Leave it to them to decide.
If they decide to say to you they are going along with what Dsis wants there lies your problem 2 DPS who have never said no to entitled Dsis.

Your poor mum. Neither of you should demanding so much time from her. One day is the absolute limit. Saying you don't have a "support network" is utterly baffling when your mum does half your childcare, you have a DH, and the elder one will be stepping in to play too. You seem to have simply no idea that some people raise their own kids.

I do understand a bit of your sister's worry, it is difficult when GPs have a stronger relationship with one side due to spending so much more time with them. I feel sad for DS that he will never get the same closeness as the kids DM looks after, but he's always delighted to see cousins so if we were lucky enough to get a childcare day I'd be pleased for the others to be there. It might be useful to initially work on the relationship between the cousins at weekends. That will mean not bitching about your sister in front of the kids, nor moaning about childcare etc, you'd be amazed what kids pick up on. If the little cousin is desperate to play with your child, you'll find she changes her mind quickly. It is worth considering as I expect you'll both want holiday cover from your poor mum and she will need days off too.

This ^ I'm totally confused

As far as I can see there are only 2 confusing, though not incorrect, acronyms in the OP. It would be better to say DSis so as not to confuse with a son; and it would be better to say BIL for sister's husband so as not to confuse with OP's husband. Never seen such an avalanche of "can't read it, don't understand it" when most of it is clear enough. Now another poster has kindly translated it there is no more excuse for moaning. Mostly though, if I can't make sense of a post, as long as it doesn't appear to be anything life-threatening, I just move on. There's no rule that you have to engage on every thread.

My two penn'orth on the situation is that I'd have told the sister I would be prepared to take on the extra nursery time if she was prepared to pay for it. It's not just the money, it's the principle! But those posters who said it is up to the parents who they look after and when are, of course, right. I'd guess they're so grateful to be finally allowed time with their youngest grandchild that they'd agree to any weird requests.

Just say no

Presumably her husband is around on the weekend?

Quite new to this. Can someone tell me what all the abbreviations are? Why is there a D at the start of most of them? Thanks in Advance TIA😀

If you are happy to do it in theory I'd chat to your parents. They may appreciate it as it would be easier for them having less kids at a time. If they dont want reduced time just say no and tell her to make her own arrangements with your parents

I came here to say this, you Dbeat me Dto it!

Your mum must be exhausted. I'm not sure how much childcare your mum is doing for your sister as things stand.

If your mum wants to rebalance it as she feels she has given more to you than your sister then that would be fair enough IMO. Aside from the invaluable time aspect, she's saved you thousands, probably tens of thousands. It's fair enough to give your sister a cut of that.

It's not for you and your sister to agree between you though, it's up to your mum what she's willing to provide.

There's a list here.

D = dear/darling and then usually DH = husband, DD = daughter, DS = son. Just a short hand, no one's actually saying dear/darling. Usually it's helpful and makes it easier to write a post. Maybe not so much in this instance!

OP says DD when she means DF and DS when she means DSis.

As you were.

Agreed I literally cannot work out who is where or what is happening

Really?!

My DC (child?) spends 2.5 days a week with her DGPs. My DD (daughter?) works full time and my DM works part time and cares for my DN (nephew?)

Is the DC a child or an adult?! She works? Where does the nephew fit in?!?