AIBU to be upset with DS

[Justamumsopinion]

My DC spends 2.5 days a week with her DGPs. My DD works full time and my DM works part time and cares for my DN. My DPs were very keen to be active grandparents and I've included them in my DCs life from the start. They adore my DC and have an incredible bond. We are extremely grateful to have their support as my DHs parents are not able to offer as much as they both work full time.

DS has had her second DC a few months ago and as a result has moved back to our home town. DS has some unusual views on parenting for example she wouldn't allow our parents to see their first DC for several weeks after they were born as she wanted protected family time etc. Her DC had not been allowed to sleep over my DPs house for the first year and she has very strict rules for when her DC visits. My DS also, up until recently lived in a different country. As a result my DPs have not been able to establish the same bond as they have with my DC.

My DS has asked me whether I would consider putting my daughter into nursery more so her DC can have protected time with my DPs. My DC is in nursery for 2 days and I have half day a week when we have some time together. My DS is struggling with managing her newborn with another DC. She is exclusively breastfeeding and will not allow the baby to be held by anyone else. Her DH works from home and does all the cleaning and washing and also supports with cooking. They have support from DHs family. His DM has their DC for 2 days per week. My DPs have offered to have her DC on the same days they have my DC but she wants them to offer separate days. My DPs are unable to do this as they work. As I feel my DS is struggling with her mental health so I have agreed to reducing my DCs time with her DGP by flexing my hours so I can work later in the evening when my DH is home so I spend an additional afternoon with my DC. This will only be possible if my DC continues to nap as I often have meetings in the day. If she stops napping, I will need to put my DC in nursery for an additional afternoon. I wouldn't mind doing this at all if my DS needed support with work or if my DPs found it difficult to have the DC together. My DS is on maternity leave and has a network of support whereas I work full time and have another DC (12) and only have my parents which to be honest is irrelevant. I don't send my DC to my DPs for reduce childcare costs (it's a bonus) I send her because they want that time with their DGC and it's what I had growing up.

For context, my DS is mortgage free, both have highly paid jobs and generous maternity. She only pays to send her DC to a playgroup for few hours each week. I'm upset that my arrangement with my DPs has been altered as a result of my DSs demands. I'm also upset that she wants me to put my DC into nursery for additional days whereas her DC doesn't go to nursery. Her DC spends 2 days a week with DHs parents and she has also been offered 2.5 days from my DPs.

Should I address this with my DS? Her DC will be able to go to school full time in a few months. Should I just ride it out?

Further context... My DC and her DC adore each other too. They love playing together and we often go for days out with my DS and her family.

Thanks for reading and sorry it's so long

I disagree.

@Justamumsopinion It's not too late to say, "Actually, I don't see why I have to change my childcare arrangements to suit DSis. If DPs are happy to have both children together then great, they can enjoy spending time with their cousins. But DSis doesn't get to dictate that DPs can't continue with our arrangement just because she's moved back from abroad and wants her child to have priority."

I'd ask your mum what she wants to do, given she's the one providing free childcare her opinion in the one that matters. I wouldn't be changing things for your DSis, she's being ridiculous, I would change things if your DM wants to though.

@Justamumsopinion
Have you even asked your DPs what they want to do?

So basically she already has her ILs look after hers on other days and want your parents to have hers the days yours go.

What do your parents think? Do they want to help her and bin you off or are they happy to have both sets of grandkids. If the latter then tell her no you aren't giving up your kids time for her kids.

If your parents don't want to do both they need to tell her or you what they are prepared to do.

If you want yours to go to nursery more suggest your sister pays for it as it is at her request!

DD = dear dad when used with DM dear mum.

I'm really confused here, DC - your children, DS - your son?, DD - your daughter? Where's the mention of the sister?

Dad is normally DF, I'm so confused!

If any of this is real, which I highly doubt, then your sister is a dingbat.

Your parents are being v generous to both of you by having the kids 2.5 days. She is being utterly ridiculous to expect her child to be alone at the gps. It is also missing out on the chance for her child to have a close relationship and a lot of fun with their cousins. Just say no. I won't be doing that.

Yes usually but when she spoke about her parents and said DD works FT and DM works PT in context it is obviously Dad and Mum.

Just say no? You don't want your DC to go to nursery more. She sounds like she has a lot of rules and expectations - fine for you to have some too.

Same thoughts.

This is the most reasonable suggestion. Both children get to bond with each other and with grandparents. This will pay dividends for all in the long run. I would have a word with sis explaining the practical, financial and emotional impact on you. Ask why she is uncomfortable with both of your children there together. Try to find a way through this. It saddens me how many posters jump to the most extreme conclusions that usually involve nuclear meltdown of relationships. Families are complicated. Good luck.

I understand and I'm not sure what people are struggling with. I guess Ive still got all my marbles in my 70s so that's good news.

If your parents are happy to have the GC together that's great. If she isn't happy with what's on offer that's her problem. If she can't cope with her child having to share with their cousin I wonder how she will expect them to share a teacher with 29 other children.

Can't understand this at all, too many Ds. Why can't people just write proper sentences. Lost interest I'm afraid

Does rebalance mean drop one child because you've had a new offer with a different child?

Your sister is taking the piss. She should just let your parents look after all the kids together and if that doesn’t work for her then she works out another arrangement. It’s cheeky she’s asking you that. You are all family.

This
Far too many random 'D's" for my intellect.

I’m confused.

🫤

Seriously, I was half way before I realized DS was her sister not son 😂

All this D stuff is so confusing and annoying.

Just say no

it’s understandable that she might be more deserving of the help due to having a newborn (so what if she wants to exclusively BF or hold her child? all that is irrelevant and appears as if you want to judge her for it). However, i don’t think there’s any need for exclusive time for grandparents? in fact, they will probably have more fun with cousins too and for the grandparents it won’t be that much difference in terms of effort.

Op just to clarify. You've said DD (dear/darling daughter) but you meant that to stand for DD (Dear Dad)? That's abbrev to DF (dear father) normally. You've also typed DS & I think you meant that to mean Dear Sister? That's always written as Dsis on here. Your post is very confusing tbh.

You’re unreasonable to give into such ridiculous demands. More fool you to alter your work life balance for someone who clearly wouldn’t do the same for you!

I am confused as well.
DS is possibly a sister.