AIBU to be upset with DS

[Justamumsopinion]

My DC spends 2.5 days a week with her DGPs. My DD works full time and my DM works part time and cares for my DN. My DPs were very keen to be active grandparents and I've included them in my DCs life from the start. They adore my DC and have an incredible bond. We are extremely grateful to have their support as my DHs parents are not able to offer as much as they both work full time.

DS has had her second DC a few months ago and as a result has moved back to our home town. DS has some unusual views on parenting for example she wouldn't allow our parents to see their first DC for several weeks after they were born as she wanted protected family time etc. Her DC had not been allowed to sleep over my DPs house for the first year and she has very strict rules for when her DC visits. My DS also, up until recently lived in a different country. As a result my DPs have not been able to establish the same bond as they have with my DC.

My DS has asked me whether I would consider putting my daughter into nursery more so her DC can have protected time with my DPs. My DC is in nursery for 2 days and I have half day a week when we have some time together. My DS is struggling with managing her newborn with another DC. She is exclusively breastfeeding and will not allow the baby to be held by anyone else. Her DH works from home and does all the cleaning and washing and also supports with cooking. They have support from DHs family. His DM has their DC for 2 days per week. My DPs have offered to have her DC on the same days they have my DC but she wants them to offer separate days. My DPs are unable to do this as they work. As I feel my DS is struggling with her mental health so I have agreed to reducing my DCs time with her DGP by flexing my hours so I can work later in the evening when my DH is home so I spend an additional afternoon with my DC. This will only be possible if my DC continues to nap as I often have meetings in the day. If she stops napping, I will need to put my DC in nursery for an additional afternoon. I wouldn't mind doing this at all if my DS needed support with work or if my DPs found it difficult to have the DC together. My DS is on maternity leave and has a network of support whereas I work full time and have another DC (12) and only have my parents which to be honest is irrelevant. I don't send my DC to my DPs for reduce childcare costs (it's a bonus) I send her because they want that time with their DGC and it's what I had growing up.

For context, my DS is mortgage free, both have highly paid jobs and generous maternity. She only pays to send her DC to a playgroup for few hours each week. I'm upset that my arrangement with my DPs has been altered as a result of my DSs demands. I'm also upset that she wants me to put my DC into nursery for additional days whereas her DC doesn't go to nursery. Her DC spends 2 days a week with DHs parents and she has also been offered 2.5 days from my DPs.

Should I address this with my DS? Her DC will be able to go to school full time in a few months. Should I just ride it out?

Further context... My DC and her DC adore each other too. They love playing together and we often go for days out with my DS and her family.

Thanks for reading and sorry it's so long

She’s a D. Tell her to D off and carry on as you were previously. You are being perfectly reasonable and she D’ing isn’t!!

I nearly had a stroke reading it but why should you change your life to fit around her when as you say she is the one on Mat leave with all the time and support and also she hasn’t even been back in the country long so why should she just turn up and expect everyone to bow to her and only her needs - tell her to do one

Cant people just write mum/dad /kids etc?

Why do you have to use DS DC DD??

Im finding all the Ds a bit confusing

Can you not just go through all the DD'S/DS until you meet one that fits?

To everyone who is criticising the use of the D's, it's really not that difficult to work it all out or are you all too tired/lazy to do the brain work?
Go through the various options and use the one that fits?
DD= DARLING DAUGHTER/DARLING DAD.
We know its DC (DARLING CHILD) so DD = DARLING DAD, especially as she's talking about her parents.

@Justamumsopinion

Was your DSis this way when she had her first child? Ive heard of some new parents being 'over cautious' but she does seem extreme. Maybe she does need to speak to a professional on that.
I don't think you should have given up your DC time with the DGP. What did they have to say about it all?
She's being very unreasonable to ask you to put your DC into nursery more often. How about cousins building bonds? My first best friends were my cousins and (extended) family means everything to me

I'm not surprised OP hasn't responded**

I mainly read this thread for the abbreviation confusion and it DDidn't DDisappoint

OP, how many days a week does your mum work? To be fair, 2.5 days is a lot to be looking after your kids if she works as well. They've had a lot of time with your parents and I actually think it's fair enough for your sister to want her kids to have a bit of time with their grandparents to themselves too. What isn't reasonable is asking/expecting you to put your kids in nursery more when she's not willing to put hers in nursery at all. You say her child is due to start school in a few months?? Are you in England? Here all 3-4 year olds get 15 hours a week during term time, does she not use those hours?

It all depends what your mum is happy to do, but I would suggest a compromise eg she could have all the grandchildren together for 1.5-2 days a week and just your sister's kids for 0.5-1 days a week. It's only for a few months anyway until your niece/nephew starts school.

I do feel for grandparents being pulled in different directions. Personally if I was your mum I think I would offer to have all the grandkids together 1 day a week, and then each sibling set separately for 1 day a fortnight... I wouldn't want to do more than 2 days a week myself, not as a regular thing, although I would be happy to help out with emergency childcare or babysitting from time to time if I could.

As for the abbreviations (!) personally I tend to write mum, dad and son as they're all short words anyway. DH for husband, DD for daughter and DB for brother, as they're longer words. And I type out parents (because DP is usually partner on here) and sister (because DS means son and DSis just looks silly). I do find it ridiculous when people write "DDog" and "DCat"

Anyone who uses the term “protected family time” is unreasonable. That’s all I took from this.

The best response I've seen in a while 🤣

No. Let your children go to grandparents as they are. Your sister can sod off making you pay for nursery.

she doesn’t like it then employ a nanny at home.

I agree ~ too many D's !

Yabu to have said yes. If your parents can’t cope with the two then fine split them up otherwise they benefit from playing together. Your sis sounds like she is really struggling mentally. Have a chat with her. You sound quite jealous of her though as lots of background irrelevant info about how wealthy she is and how helpful her husband and his family are. Dont let that cloud the issue.

Ask your parents to get involved & suggest your Sister takes her child to your parents the same days your child is there, with parents agreeing of course. That way your two children will have a close bond with each other as well as with their Grandparents & your parents aren't looking after children on all of their days off. Ask your Sister why she thinks your child should go to nursery more days when hers isn't going at all? She sounds very entitled & wants things her way without concern for others.

I'll admit, it was a hard read although I think I got the list lol

Your sister sounds exhaustning and entiteled. A more than a little deranged. Nobody else holding the baby? Forcing your parents to choose between the grandchilden? She is LUCKY her child has a cousin to play with at the grandparents. But you can't reason with crazy. Just live your life as you have been and let your parents take the discussion with your sister.

I’d just say he’s starting to drop naps, I tried but this is too hard, it’s impacting my work performances so ds will be at mum and dads on those days like usual.

sister has her dc1 at the other grandparents two days a week, dh doing a lot, if she didn’t want to leave dc1 at her parents a couple of days a week then she’s still got a lot of support.

I’m dead chuffed I kept track of all the Ds.
I think your sister is having problems of her own making. Not being able to cope with 2 children , especially with all the support she already has is incredible.
Many women breast feed and have multiple children with less help. Good job she didn’t have twins or triplets.
Anyway, she should do what the grandparents want and send hers on the same day(s) as yours. Then everyone gets to mingle and build relationships. You keep your routine till school starts, too

I would not be entertaining this for a moment.

Just read some more, and people who are saying about the amount of letter D's used (both against and defending), all I can hear now is the match of the day tune in my head lol. D D D, D, DDDDD, DD,DD, D D..... 😆 🤣 😂 I love mumsnet 😇