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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset with DS

169 replies

Justamumsopinion · 14/01/2025 21:09

My DC spends 2.5 days a week with her DGPs. My DD works full time and my DM works part time and cares for my DN. My DPs were very keen to be active grandparents and I've included them in my DCs life from the start. They adore my DC and have an incredible bond. We are extremely grateful to have their support as my DHs parents are not able to offer as much as they both work full time.

DS has had her second DC a few months ago and as a result has moved back to our home town. DS has some unusual views on parenting for example she wouldn't allow our parents to see their first DC for several weeks after they were born as she wanted protected family time etc. Her DC had not been allowed to sleep over my DPs house for the first year and she has very strict rules for when her DC visits. My DS also, up until recently lived in a different country. As a result my DPs have not been able to establish the same bond as they have with my DC.

My DS has asked me whether I would consider putting my daughter into nursery more so her DC can have protected time with my DPs. My DC is in nursery for 2 days and I have half day a week when we have some time together. My DS is struggling with managing her newborn with another DC. She is exclusively breastfeeding and will not allow the baby to be held by anyone else. Her DH works from home and does all the cleaning and washing and also supports with cooking. They have support from DHs family. His DM has their DC for 2 days per week. My DPs have offered to have her DC on the same days they have my DC but she wants them to offer separate days. My DPs are unable to do this as they work. As I feel my DS is struggling with her mental health so I have agreed to reducing my DCs time with her DGP by flexing my hours so I can work later in the evening when my DH is home so I spend an additional afternoon with my DC. This will only be possible if my DC continues to nap as I often have meetings in the day. If she stops napping, I will need to put my DC in nursery for an additional afternoon. I wouldn't mind doing this at all if my DS needed support with work or if my DPs found it difficult to have the DC together. My DS is on maternity leave and has a network of support whereas I work full time and have another DC (12) and only have my parents which to be honest is irrelevant. I don't send my DC to my DPs for reduce childcare costs (it's a bonus) I send her because they want that time with their DGC and it's what I had growing up.

For context, my DS is mortgage free, both have highly paid jobs and generous maternity. She only pays to send her DC to a playgroup for few hours each week. I'm upset that my arrangement with my DPs has been altered as a result of my DSs demands. I'm also upset that she wants me to put my DC into nursery for additional days whereas her DC doesn't go to nursery. Her DC spends 2 days a week with DHs parents and she has also been offered 2.5 days from my DPs.

Should I address this with my DS? Her DC will be able to go to school full time in a few months. Should I just ride it out?

Further context... My DC and her DC adore each other too. They love playing together and we often go for days out with my DS and her family.

Thanks for reading and sorry it's so long

OP posts:
CosyLemur · 19/01/2025 18:41

Oreosareawful · 19/01/2025 18:34

I still want to know what Protected family time is?

It means establishing the family routine and getting settled with a newborn before having visitors around.

hideawayforever · 19/01/2025 19:40

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/01/2025 21:29

Does nobody ever tell your sister 'no'?

This, she sounds so spoilt.
so she wouldn't let your parents near when the baby was born so they didn't form a bond, but now she's moaning about that and wants everyone to now jump to it and allow a bond to be formed because it now suits her.

She needs to be told, No, you won't be paying out for nursery to suit her odd rules, she can fk off.......cheeky cow

Tittibits · 19/01/2025 19:41

I think I would have told your DS to fuck off a long time ago if I was your DP! If you don’t want to allow people to see you DC because you want protected family time, have as much as you want and don’t ask DP t9 provide free childcare.

SittingNextToIt · 19/01/2025 19:44

This Dpost is too confusing for Stupid DMe.

PondWarrior · 19/01/2025 20:01

Surely it’s entirely up to your parents to decide what they want to do in these weird circumstances?

SoInLuv · 19/01/2025 20:28

SereneFish · 14/01/2025 21:10

DI thinks DU should rewrite this using actual Dwords because I don't have a Dclue who is who or what's going Don.

Edited

So true!!! I had to go back each sentence to read again and ended up confused, very hard to read therefore won't offer any advice.

Baffy11 · 19/01/2025 21:26

SereneFish · 14/01/2025 21:10

DI thinks DU should rewrite this using actual Dwords because I don't have a Dclue who is who or what's going Don.

Edited

Soooo this!!!! Sorry OP, I gave up half way though and sounds like others have too....surely it's more effort to write it with a million confusing and unnecessary Ds, than real words....?

Hankunamatata · 19/01/2025 21:51

Confused with D I always thought
DS = darling son
DD = darling daughter
DSis = sister
DBro = brother
DP = partner
DN = niece or nephew

purplehair1 · 19/01/2025 22:25

SereneFish · 14/01/2025 21:10

DI thinks DU should rewrite this using actual Dwords because I don't have a Dclue who is who or what's going Don.

Edited

I’m so glad someone else said what I wa thinking - DS DC DGP D…my head is swimming. I guess DS can be son as well as sister? I get so confused by these acronyms what’s wrong with brother, sister, mum etc?

Northernladdette · 20/01/2025 08:15

Wow, give the girl a break, obviously a newbie, it’s confusing and probably taken ages for her to compose this 🙄

SALaw · 20/01/2025 08:32

Northernladdette · 20/01/2025 08:15

Wow, give the girl a break, obviously a newbie, it’s confusing and probably taken ages for her to compose this 🙄

So just use words if unsure? It doesn't take THAT long to type out "sister", "daughter", "Dad" etc surely?!

TheignT · 20/01/2025 14:04

People are over doing the "I don't understand" it isn't that difficult and anyway if you read the full thread someone has typed it all out in full.

Northernladdette · 20/01/2025 14:07

SALaw · 20/01/2025 08:32

So just use words if unsure? It doesn't take THAT long to type out "sister", "daughter", "Dad" etc surely?!

Show quote history

Agree, but it does seem to be a Mumsnet given that abbreviations are used 😉

Littlejellyuk · 20/01/2025 14:33

Justamumsopinion · 14/01/2025 21:09

My DC spends 2.5 days a week with her DGPs. My DD works full time and my DM works part time and cares for my DN. My DPs were very keen to be active grandparents and I've included them in my DCs life from the start. They adore my DC and have an incredible bond. We are extremely grateful to have their support as my DHs parents are not able to offer as much as they both work full time.

DS has had her second DC a few months ago and as a result has moved back to our home town. DS has some unusual views on parenting for example she wouldn't allow our parents to see their first DC for several weeks after they were born as she wanted protected family time etc. Her DC had not been allowed to sleep over my DPs house for the first year and she has very strict rules for when her DC visits. My DS also, up until recently lived in a different country. As a result my DPs have not been able to establish the same bond as they have with my DC.

My DS has asked me whether I would consider putting my daughter into nursery more so her DC can have protected time with my DPs. My DC is in nursery for 2 days and I have half day a week when we have some time together. My DS is struggling with managing her newborn with another DC. She is exclusively breastfeeding and will not allow the baby to be held by anyone else. Her DH works from home and does all the cleaning and washing and also supports with cooking. They have support from DHs family. His DM has their DC for 2 days per week. My DPs have offered to have her DC on the same days they have my DC but she wants them to offer separate days. My DPs are unable to do this as they work. As I feel my DS is struggling with her mental health so I have agreed to reducing my DCs time with her DGP by flexing my hours so I can work later in the evening when my DH is home so I spend an additional afternoon with my DC. This will only be possible if my DC continues to nap as I often have meetings in the day. If she stops napping, I will need to put my DC in nursery for an additional afternoon. I wouldn't mind doing this at all if my DS needed support with work or if my DPs found it difficult to have the DC together. My DS is on maternity leave and has a network of support whereas I work full time and have another DC (12) and only have my parents which to be honest is irrelevant. I don't send my DC to my DPs for reduce childcare costs (it's a bonus) I send her because they want that time with their DGC and it's what I had growing up.

For context, my DS is mortgage free, both have highly paid jobs and generous maternity. She only pays to send her DC to a playgroup for few hours each week. I'm upset that my arrangement with my DPs has been altered as a result of my DSs demands. I'm also upset that she wants me to put my DC into nursery for additional days whereas her DC doesn't go to nursery. Her DC spends 2 days a week with DHs parents and she has also been offered 2.5 days from my DPs.

Should I address this with my DS? Her DC will be able to go to school full time in a few months. Should I just ride it out?

Further context... My DC and her DC adore each other too. They love playing together and we often go for days out with my DS and her family.

Thanks for reading and sorry it's so long

No bloody no. Don't deprive your child of her GPs. Your sister having a network and is mortgage free is a factor, but not the main one.
I would speak to your parents and see how they feel about it. Do they want to go ahead as usual? Or do they wish to change your arrangements.
As for putting your child in nursery more, that is a personal and financial decision based on your child's and your needs (does she thrive in nursery and enjoy it? Or does she prefer to saty with family?) And it is not down to accommodating someone elses wants and needs for protected family time.

I say this as someone who had a very limited 'village' to help us and my mum would have our son (childcare) 2 days pw so that I could return to work part time., while hubby worked FT.
Others were happy to fit in on the other day/s, as they didn't work and it was for visiting GP and just having fun times.
I would speak to your parents and see how they feel.

Starseeking · 20/01/2025 18:15

No is a complete sentence.

You should have said that in response to your DSis asking for all these changes to your schedule.

GrandmotherStillLearning · 20/01/2025 18:17

Justamumsopinion · 14/01/2025 21:09

My DC spends 2.5 days a week with her DGPs. My DD works full time and my DM works part time and cares for my DN. My DPs were very keen to be active grandparents and I've included them in my DCs life from the start. They adore my DC and have an incredible bond. We are extremely grateful to have their support as my DHs parents are not able to offer as much as they both work full time.

DS has had her second DC a few months ago and as a result has moved back to our home town. DS has some unusual views on parenting for example she wouldn't allow our parents to see their first DC for several weeks after they were born as she wanted protected family time etc. Her DC had not been allowed to sleep over my DPs house for the first year and she has very strict rules for when her DC visits. My DS also, up until recently lived in a different country. As a result my DPs have not been able to establish the same bond as they have with my DC.

My DS has asked me whether I would consider putting my daughter into nursery more so her DC can have protected time with my DPs. My DC is in nursery for 2 days and I have half day a week when we have some time together. My DS is struggling with managing her newborn with another DC. She is exclusively breastfeeding and will not allow the baby to be held by anyone else. Her DH works from home and does all the cleaning and washing and also supports with cooking. They have support from DHs family. His DM has their DC for 2 days per week. My DPs have offered to have her DC on the same days they have my DC but she wants them to offer separate days. My DPs are unable to do this as they work. As I feel my DS is struggling with her mental health so I have agreed to reducing my DCs time with her DGP by flexing my hours so I can work later in the evening when my DH is home so I spend an additional afternoon with my DC. This will only be possible if my DC continues to nap as I often have meetings in the day. If she stops napping, I will need to put my DC in nursery for an additional afternoon. I wouldn't mind doing this at all if my DS needed support with work or if my DPs found it difficult to have the DC together. My DS is on maternity leave and has a network of support whereas I work full time and have another DC (12) and only have my parents which to be honest is irrelevant. I don't send my DC to my DPs for reduce childcare costs (it's a bonus) I send her because they want that time with their DGC and it's what I had growing up.

For context, my DS is mortgage free, both have highly paid jobs and generous maternity. She only pays to send her DC to a playgroup for few hours each week. I'm upset that my arrangement with my DPs has been altered as a result of my DSs demands. I'm also upset that she wants me to put my DC into nursery for additional days whereas her DC doesn't go to nursery. Her DC spends 2 days a week with DHs parents and she has also been offered 2.5 days from my DPs.

Should I address this with my DS? Her DC will be able to go to school full time in a few months. Should I just ride it out?

Further context... My DC and her DC adore each other too. They love playing together and we often go for days out with my DS and her family.

Thanks for reading and sorry it's so long

Why don't you remote with words like son or daughter or grandchild please

Moll2020 · 20/01/2025 18:37

SereneFish · 14/01/2025 21:10

DI thinks DU should rewrite this using actual Dwords because I don't have a Dclue who is who or what's going Don.

Edited

Glad you said that. I didn’t understand it either

Lovemeapickledgherkin · 20/01/2025 18:39

SereneFish · 14/01/2025 21:10

DI thinks DU should rewrite this using actual Dwords because I don't have a Dclue who is who or what's going Don.

Edited

🤣 Agreed! Couldn’t understand if it was daughter/dad son/sister/ darling dog/dearest.

Itiswhysofew · 20/01/2025 18:49

Tell her to get a grip. She's expecting you all to make too many allowances just to accommodate her notions. What a entitled so & so.

ChocolateAddictAlways · 20/01/2025 18:54

Was she like this when her first child was born? Not letting anyone else hold the baby? Her behaviour seems extreme (but possibly some sort of post natal anxiety?) The fact that her behaviour has been allowed to continue suggests no one is raising it with her? Or are they too nervous to?

Asking you to pay for more nursery slots when she’s not willing to send her own child seems unfair. I would gently say no.

LouiseTopaz · 20/01/2025 18:57

Think about it, even if you and your sister work this out your expecting grandparents to provide childcare five days a week. It's a big ask and unfair.

Spectacularlyme · 20/01/2025 19:13

TimeForTeaAndG · 14/01/2025 21:19

Are all these replies from new posters?! The only acronym which could be viewed as incorrect is DS but it can mean sister or son and I think it's quite clear which one is being used here.

Also DD, which I got really confused about at first as I've only seen it mentioned in relation to daughter, but I get the impression after my 20th read that the OP means dad.

Newusername3kidss · 20/01/2025 19:28

SereneFish · 14/01/2025 21:10

DI thinks DU should rewrite this using actual Dwords because I don't have a Dclue who is who or what's going Don.

Edited

Ha ha - same! I was wondering why her dear daughter who works needs to be looked after by her grand parents and why she’s cross at her dear son

Bangolads · 20/01/2025 19:30

Dear god this is confusing. I thought ds was dear son. No idea

JLou08 · 20/01/2025 19:37

I think the only relevant issue there is that she wants her child to have 'protected' time with grandparents, excluding your child from their usual time with grandparents. I've never heard of protected time with grandparents. It sounds ridiculous. If your parents can manage them both, and it is sometimes easier having two to entertain each other, they should have them both. It will also develop a cousin bond and will be great for the children developing their social skills. I can't see where she is coming from at all with this 'protected' time.