Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset with DS

169 replies

Justamumsopinion · 14/01/2025 21:09

My DC spends 2.5 days a week with her DGPs. My DD works full time and my DM works part time and cares for my DN. My DPs were very keen to be active grandparents and I've included them in my DCs life from the start. They adore my DC and have an incredible bond. We are extremely grateful to have their support as my DHs parents are not able to offer as much as they both work full time.

DS has had her second DC a few months ago and as a result has moved back to our home town. DS has some unusual views on parenting for example she wouldn't allow our parents to see their first DC for several weeks after they were born as she wanted protected family time etc. Her DC had not been allowed to sleep over my DPs house for the first year and she has very strict rules for when her DC visits. My DS also, up until recently lived in a different country. As a result my DPs have not been able to establish the same bond as they have with my DC.

My DS has asked me whether I would consider putting my daughter into nursery more so her DC can have protected time with my DPs. My DC is in nursery for 2 days and I have half day a week when we have some time together. My DS is struggling with managing her newborn with another DC. She is exclusively breastfeeding and will not allow the baby to be held by anyone else. Her DH works from home and does all the cleaning and washing and also supports with cooking. They have support from DHs family. His DM has their DC for 2 days per week. My DPs have offered to have her DC on the same days they have my DC but she wants them to offer separate days. My DPs are unable to do this as they work. As I feel my DS is struggling with her mental health so I have agreed to reducing my DCs time with her DGP by flexing my hours so I can work later in the evening when my DH is home so I spend an additional afternoon with my DC. This will only be possible if my DC continues to nap as I often have meetings in the day. If she stops napping, I will need to put my DC in nursery for an additional afternoon. I wouldn't mind doing this at all if my DS needed support with work or if my DPs found it difficult to have the DC together. My DS is on maternity leave and has a network of support whereas I work full time and have another DC (12) and only have my parents which to be honest is irrelevant. I don't send my DC to my DPs for reduce childcare costs (it's a bonus) I send her because they want that time with their DGC and it's what I had growing up.

For context, my DS is mortgage free, both have highly paid jobs and generous maternity. She only pays to send her DC to a playgroup for few hours each week. I'm upset that my arrangement with my DPs has been altered as a result of my DSs demands. I'm also upset that she wants me to put my DC into nursery for additional days whereas her DC doesn't go to nursery. Her DC spends 2 days a week with DHs parents and she has also been offered 2.5 days from my DPs.

Should I address this with my DS? Her DC will be able to go to school full time in a few months. Should I just ride it out?

Further context... My DC and her DC adore each other too. They love playing together and we often go for days out with my DS and her family.

Thanks for reading and sorry it's so long

OP posts:
myplace · 14/01/2025 21:26

I think you’re trying too hard. Who did she ask to cut down your child’s time, you or your parents?

Because the right answer was, “oh, I’m so sorry! We just can’t afford to do that! But it will be lovely for them all to be so close!”.

Letstheriveranswer · 14/01/2025 21:28

OK, so your sister is on maternity, has support from her husband's family, and she wants her child to go to your parents to give her a break, having excluded them previously by not allowing them to see the baby for some time to protect her nuclear family time with the baby?
But now she wants you to stop letting your parents look after your child for one of the two days, so they can look after her child, because she doesn't want her child to have to share their attention with your child?
She is financially well off and doesn't need to use a nursery, whereas you are working and not so well off, and you would need to pay a nursery for your child to go there for the day that your parents previously had her?

Your parents are happy to have both children together, but your sister wants her child to have exclusive attention?

She sounds a bit unhinged, I would tell her it's costing you £x to accommodate her demands, and you have realised that's going to put you under financial pressure so you are sending your child back to your parents - assuming they are happy with this.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/01/2025 21:29

Does nobody ever tell your sister 'no'?

FlowerP0w3r · 14/01/2025 21:33

Oh my goodness OP I struggled to read that. It's Dsis for darling sister. DS means darling son.

For what it's worth, your sister sounds entitled and batshit.

WartOrNot · 14/01/2025 21:38

That's totally daft. This is what happens with subsequent kids, siblings or cousins. They have to share attention. It's no bad thing. Insisting everyone moves aside for the Precious One will not do them any favours.

You can still change your mind, revert to the original setup. "It doesn't work for me".

lazyarse123 · 14/01/2025 21:39

What do your parents think? Also she can't complain about the lack of a bond seeing as she's the one who's so far kept her child away. I'd also like to know what the fuck "protected time" is.
She's crackers if that wasn't clear and I wouldn't entertain it.

WartOrNot · 14/01/2025 21:42

I say this as the sister in your situation. We had years of present buying for my kids based on the wants and needs of the other grandchildren. Our kids not being allowed to play with toys because they belonged to the grandkids who had spent more time there historically.

This is nothing to do with sibling seniority. It is poor grandparenting. Favouritism.

If the OP's parents can treat their grandchildren equally, then your (horrible and sad) experience should not happen.

Dinosweetpea · 14/01/2025 21:45

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 14/01/2025 21:19

Your sister is incredibly selfish and by agreeing to her demands you are enabling this.
Why should your child miss out on time with grandparents at your sister's say so?
Stop being a doormat and tell your sister to fucking do one, there is nothing 'D' about her-at all

Edited

This.
Just say no. Your sister is being utterly ridiculous.

Yeahno · 14/01/2025 21:46

No sis, that doesn't work for me.

Curtainqueen · 14/01/2025 21:47

I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a confusing post on here. Half of that wasn’t even necessary and all those ridiculous abbreviations 😱

Simonjt · 14/01/2025 21:49

“Her DC spends 2 days a week with DHs parents and she has also been offered 2.5 days from my DPs.“

Bit weird that your husbands parents babysit your sisters children twice a week.

Calochortus · 14/01/2025 21:55

I think it should be up to grandparents and what they’d like to do, afterall they’re offering childcare. Your sister sounds like a spoiled, pain in the arse Princess.

ScaryM0nster · 14/01/2025 21:56

Your sister can ask you. You can say yes, no or that it’s not really your call - your child is there at your parents invitation and it’s up to them.

However, you’d benefit from remembering that. Your parents get to choose themselves how they spend their time and who they host in their home at what time. They know their daughters, and they can decide how to spend their time.

Any judgements you make on your sisters family approach to parenting are irrelevant, unless they mean that you think the children need to be kept apart.

(ps. There’s nowt wrong with breastfeeding).

Tumbler2121 · 14/01/2025 22:08

Tell your sister that you are very happy with our current arrangements and would rather not change them.

Remaker · 14/01/2025 22:18

You shouldn’t have agreed if you didn’t want to do it. I’d try out the new arrangement but if your DC stops sleeping in the afternoon I would ask your parents to have them back not pay to send them to nursery.

So your sister can only cope with half a day a week looking after her 2 children alone? Has she seen her GP to talk about her mental health?

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 14/01/2025 22:19

Tell her you want your children to maintain their routine and would be glad if they could spend some time with their cousins at your parents' house together. Why does she want "protected' family time? What does that even mean?

She is of course being unreasonable, but why did you agree to it? She has more time and money than you and your decision to go along with this is disruptive to your children's routine, your work pattern, your finances and o your parents who wanted to have them all together so they could still have some days a week to themselves for their work/life.

Endofyear · 14/01/2025 22:24

I would just tell her no. Your dc enjoys her days with her grandparents and they are willing to have your sister's child too. She doesn't get to dictate that her child has 'protected time' with grandparents. She's being ridiculous.

HollyBerryz · 14/01/2025 22:56

It's a bit late to address it if you've ready agreed?

purpleme12 · 14/01/2025 23:03

SereneFish · 14/01/2025 21:10

DI thinks DU should rewrite this using actual Dwords because I don't have a Dclue who is who or what's going Don.

Edited

Thank god it's not just me I actually gave up after the first couple of sentences 😂

elessar · 16/01/2025 14:38

Your sister sounds like a selfish twat, I don't know why you've gone along with it.

Personally I would revert back and tell your sister she can like it or lump it.

NeedthatFridayfeeling · 16/01/2025 14:45

I would stick to your current arrangement, the kids get along and your parents are happy to have both, she can't start demanding 'protected' time for her child alone with the grandparents, not her call to make. Also not fair on your child who enjoys that time with grandparents.

NerrSnerr · 16/01/2025 14:51

My DS is on maternity leave and has a network of support whereas I work full time and have another DC (12) and only have my parents which to be honest is irrelevant.

You don't have a network of support but your parents have been caring for your child 2.5 days a week?

NerrSnerr · 16/01/2025 14:52

I think your parents should decide what they're able to do. They already do a shit load of childcare.

TheWiseAnt · 19/01/2025 06:53

I am confused with the D's but have you asked your parents how they feel and what they would like to do?

JollyZebra · 19/01/2025 06:57

Your sister and her children have to fit in with the family and not mould the family around her wants. I think your parents are really good to offer to take both children in together - that would be better bonding for all the family.
She's getting help from husband and his family, it isn't as if she's abandoned.
Do what suits you, your child and your parents.

Swipe left for the next trending thread