Do DH and I need power of attorney for each other?

[Midlifecareerchange]

Inspired by the AIBU about the benefits of marriage.

Dh and I have mirror wills. Our solicitor has now suggested power of attorney forms and I'm trying to figure out if there's any downside. It feels really wrong to me to sign anything that would give away my rights and power financially or in the case of healthcare, even if those things are hard to invoke and need to be signed off by medical professionals. I think of all those women who got carted off to asylums in the past when they got a bit grouchy and troublesome. I'm very grouchy at times 😬 DH and I are early 50s. I thought it was something you do in your old age if losing your marbles.

We have some assets in joint accounts and some in separate. We both have logins for both just in case needed. We are married.

YABU: sign the forms
YANBU: don't sign them

and yes I will also clarify the pros and cons with said solicitor when I get a chance.

Yes you should have them. We have recently done them in our 50s.

As my user name suggests my DSis died last year in her 50s totally unexpectedly. She spent ten days in hospital before she died. In that time we were so grateful that she was mentally with it as we didn’t realise her DH would have had no legal say over her care without a power of attorney. The doctors would have listened to him but they would not have to take his wishes into account. If he had POA then they would have to get his consent for things.

they take a few months to go through so you really don’t want to leave it until you are losing your marbles as once you’ve lost them it’s too late to do.

Martin Lewis is a big fan of getting them well before you need them.

If it helps @Midlifecareerchange I'm older than you and my marbles are all still at home but my DP and I have mutual POA. The courts would only let your DP activate the POA if it could be shown you had lost capacity to make your own decisions, being grouchy isn't enough!
Seriously, my DM had Dementia and getting a POA for her was murder, it was a skin of the teeth job and without it life would have been even more difficult.

We have them, too. They are only able to be used if you activate them or if you lose capacity to make decisions for yourself.
No one can take over without your consent while you are still able.
My mum has recently activated hers, so I can officially help her with finances, online banking, paying bills, etc. She is still perfectly well but likes me to help out.

Yes you should - unless you dont trust him! We are in late 50s, we did ours 3 years ago. Mind you we've both had serious illnnesses so that focused our minds a bit!

Yes you do. We’re doing them. We’re actually putting the children on though, to make life easier for the one whose ok.

It can’t be invoked without your consent unless you have lost capacity.
Mum is dragging her feet, afraid it will be invoked too early. Far more likely to be too late and we won’t be able to pay for the care she needs with her money.

POA only come into play if you have lost your marbles, but you need to set them up in advance while you are marble-complete.

DH and I have them for each other but I am just changing mine so if DH can't make decisions either then the kids can step in (which is the most likely scenario).

You can DIY if you want, although I recommend doing one then the other as the paperwork all looks the same and it's easy to muddle them up (bitter experience 🙄)

Very good idea to have them. We do.

they can’t be invoked unless you lose capacity.

you never know what’s down the road. It’s important protection.

Important to note that the health and welfare one cannot be invoked unless you lose capacity.

There is a choice on the property and finances one where you choose whether it can be invoked anytime you agree or only when you lose capacity.

I would. Need to sort this out for me and dh.
Did it for Mum. She now has dementia and it means that I can advocate properly for her. Before the dementia she told me that she doesn't was illnesses treated once she has dementia, so if she gets cancer she only wants pain relief etc. Much easier to do with the POA

We have them, I think they are lodged with our solicitor so we would have to justify using them.

We have them. It’s a very good idea. I read an article which talked about a woman who couldn’t access things like bank accounts and utilities when her husband was seriously ill if they were in her husbands name. Promoted us to take action!

I’d get them done. DH and I need to do ours, we’ve got them for our parents but haven’t got around to ours yet.

You can have more than one attorney so if you’ve got an adult child/sibling/close friend whom you trust, they can be a joint attorney.

Yes. DH was 56 when he had a major stroke which left him with a neuro-disability, we didn't have POA in place and I wish we had.

We will be setting them up naming each other plus one daughter each (my dd and my dsd), we have asked the dc and dsd wanted my dd to be named on my dh's in case she can't cope and my dd suggested to reciprocate, we know who would be the one taking charge.

God yes. I remember Kate garraway writing about this when her husband first got ill. She’d assumed that because they were married she could do things on his behalf but she couldn’t. It really scared me as theres a big age gap between me and DH so I got them done straightaway as well as wills.

The finance one can be set up to be used before capacity is lost. I'm doing this for my dad just now as he is finding using the online banking stressful so I'm taking over. My husband does it for his dad as he is partially sighted and kept locking himself out.

It’s a very good idea to do it at your age before you lose capacity. Save yourself some money and do it yourself online.

DH and I set up LPA last year.We are both in our 60s.It was something we'd talked about getting it and were spurred on to do it after one of our friends died suddenly.Our DCs are named on it too,so ,heaven forbid if both DH and I become incapacitated,they can access our finances.

My parents each have them, with the opposite spouse and both me and me brother named. We can act together or individually.

As everyone else has said if you wait until you've lost your marbles then it's too late. Its like only buying a burglar alarm after you've been burgled. Too late.

I am POA for both my parents - it was made very clear to me that I can't make decisions or override theirs unless they have been assessed as lacking capacity, even if I disagree with their decision. So your DH couldn't go against any decisions you made about your health or finances while you are capable.

And presumably you trust him to make good decisions in your best interest if you weren't mentally capable - otherwise don't choose him to be POA. As other PPs have said it does take a while to be processed so really there's no reason not to get the paperwork in place now - and hopefully you won't need it for a long while to come.

Thanks everyone. I'm sorry for your various losses and difficult periods caring for loved ones 💐

specific examples are helpful to me to understand why I might need this- for example I couldn't understand why the medical one might be needed as I assumed medical advice would just be followed so the idea of declining cancer treatment in the case of dementia is an interesting one to consider. But would you not then need a whole list of hypothetical situations and your wishes in these situations? Do people do this?

likewise when DH was very ill at one point I did have access to his finances as I had his phone and his logins. So specific examples that having logins wouldn't cover would be helpful

Thanks all

I don't know who I would trust in the case of healthcare. I don't assume DH would automatically know what my wishes would be if I were incapacitated. I watched a brain damaged relative live through 10 years of suffering before he eventually died and I don't think anyone would think it was right to prolong that kind of situation if there was a choice, but it's pretty rare there is a choice isn't it? There wasn't in this case as he wasn't on life support after the first month.

helping a parent with online banking is a good example but can be done with logins although perhaps that's not strictly allowed

Having your DH’s logins is not legal access to his finances. I know people do it but that doesn’t mean it’s legal, you could get into trouble for fraudulently using his card even with his consent.

@Midlifecareerchange it's not legal to access someone else's account (unless it's joint) even with their permission so the bank or other institutions could and would stop you if they knew.
With an LPA, it would all be legal and permitted. So I have permitted access to my mums bank account, investments, utilities, etc. I have had logins for ages, but we decided to make it all legit recently.

My mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s at 57, fortunately POA was in place.