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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do DH and I need power of attorney for each other?

133 replies

Midlifecareerchange · 14/01/2025 16:51

Inspired by the AIBU about the benefits of marriage.

Dh and I have mirror wills. Our solicitor has now suggested power of attorney forms and I'm trying to figure out if there's any downside. It feels really wrong to me to sign anything that would give away my rights and power financially or in the case of healthcare, even if those things are hard to invoke and need to be signed off by medical professionals. I think of all those women who got carted off to asylums in the past when they got a bit grouchy and troublesome. I'm very grouchy at times 😬 DH and I are early 50s. I thought it was something you do in your old age if losing your marbles.

We have some assets in joint accounts and some in separate. We both have logins for both just in case needed. We are married.

YABU: sign the forms
YANBU: don't sign them

and yes I will also clarify the pros and cons with said solicitor when I get a chance.

OP posts:
DSisNolongerhere · 14/01/2025 18:01

There is a place for instructions and for wishes in the POA. The instructions must be followed and the wishes are just an indication. It is more sensible to have wishes as it doesn’t tie the hands of the attorneys.

the government website gives examples of both instructions and wishes. For example, DH and I have both put in wishes that if our death is imminent and inevitable in the opinion of doctors that we do not want treatment unless it is to reduce suffering.

Again you can choose whether your attorney has the right to refuse or consent to life saving treatment. We have selected yes to this.

DH and I are each others attorneys with replacement attorneys being our DC if either of us cannot act.

hashimotosucks · 14/01/2025 18:05

We have it. Forms were easy to do online without a solicitor. You can also appoint more than one and a replacement one in case DH was not in a state to take responsibility eg both in a car accident

Brombat · 14/01/2025 18:07

If you need to concentrate your mind as to why you need one, have a look at the alternative if you don't sort it out. Very costly and requires court.

We have them for parents and they are now needed, as my MiL has lost capacity but thinks she's fine. Social workers and mental health people are involved and they will take our wishes into account as DH has LPA.

We need to do them for each other.

If a financial institution knows you're accessing your DH's account, they will freeze it.

BeCosyLion · 14/01/2025 18:10

It’s worth mentioning that just because you have log in details for someone’s online banking that doesn’t give you a legal right to use their money. Only a power of attorney does that and even then you still have to use it for their benefit and in their best interests. Worth bearing in mind if you are just relying on being able to log on to your DH’s account

callmebuffy · 14/01/2025 18:10

Log ins won't cover a lot of things.

Such as selling a property.

Health wise - who would you rather make a decision about you - DH who knows you well, or me, your social worker who has only just met you... because I do this a lot under best interests for people I don't know!

Original poster
Midlifecareerchange · 14/01/2025 18:10

This is all very helpful.

Yes that's what I assumed re logins. It was actually DH's Tesco login I used when he was ill- didn't need the banking as all our bills come out of a joint account anyway.

more specific examples of healthcare decisions would be very helpful if anyone doesn't mind, as I gather people think it's a good thing generally but I'm still feeling a bit unwilling to do that one. I like to manage my healthcare on a case by case basis and I'm very prone to rejecting advice but would always want to choose myself.

OP posts:
Seawolves · 14/01/2025 18:12

DH had cancer, we knew it was terminal from the outset but with surgery and chemo he was doing well so se discussed his wishes for his healthcare when it got to 'that' point but we didn't have discussions with the palliative team or his oncologist because it wasn't needed. He was still working full time, still doing all of his usual activities then, one Saturday evening he had a massive stroke. It robbed him of the use of his body pretty much and left him unable to communicate his wishes. The hospital doctors wanted to send him for a 10 week rehab programme at a unit over an hour away from home (mid lockdown so visiting would've been doubly hard as he wasn't classed as end of life at that stage), the oncologists agreed he had up to a year left but I knew it was against his wishes. I had to fight really, really hard to get heard because we had no POA in place. In the end I won thankfully because within 3 months he was dead. It was a stressful time made worse because there was no POA.

Brombat · 14/01/2025 18:14

Dementia, stroke, anything where you've lost capacity...

My in-laws planned for everything except mil thinking she's perfectly fine and totally helpless.

If you are worried about your wishes, do a detailed advanced directive too.

The bar for capacity is really low, so you have to be in a pretty bad way for it to be used. However, as in our case, the bad way has been going on for a few years now...

menopausalmare · 14/01/2025 18:16

Definitely! If your husband becomes incapacitated, you cannot sell the house and downsize without his permission. When dad was in a care home, there was a couple in the same predicament. Married for years but the wife couldn't authorize the sale and she was completely stuck until her husband died.

CallMeDaphne · 14/01/2025 18:17

Would strongly recommend PoAs for everyone, and crucially you need to get them registered with the Office of the Public Guardian.

Lorrdydoowhatevs · 14/01/2025 18:17

My son and DIL have POA for both of us. It seems far more sensible.

museumum · 14/01/2025 18:21

If you are unconscious you can’t make health decisions on a case by case basis. Would you rather the doctors decide without input from DH or would you rather talk about things in general with DH now so he can represent your wishes?

For eg my parents are both religious and that affects the decisions they would make whereas I am atheist. if I were to undertake poa for my parents I would need a conversion with them first about their boundaries around sanctity of life etc.

my DH and I are closer in beliefs and what we’d want.

Axelotl · 14/01/2025 18:22

My mum got this set up when she was in her 60s, with her husband and me as an attorney - joint and severally. Her husband also has one with mum and his DC as an attorney.

This makes sense as if her husband dies before her, the LPA still stands as I'm an attorney.

HardyAnt · 14/01/2025 18:23

Those who have a POA in place, have you used the online government one, rather than doing it via a solicitor?

Original poster
Midlifecareerchange · 14/01/2025 18:26

@Seawolves im so sorry thank you for sharing this

OP posts:
ThatsWhatImTalkinAbout · 14/01/2025 18:35

when DH was very ill at one point I did have access to his finances as I had his phone and his logins. So specific examples that having logins wouldn't cover would be helpful

if you had to contact customer services at his bank /online banking query / Electricity Gas company, they will only speak with the account holder or PoA if you have registered PoA document with them.

BruFord · 14/01/2025 18:37

I know it’s a grim subject, but I’ve talked to my DH about the level of medical treatment I want if I’m unable to make decisions. I should also put it in writing so there’s no doubt.

If I had dementia and then developed cancer, for example, I would only want to be kept comfortable rather than treated as I already wouldn't be “me” iyswim.

hashimotosucks · 14/01/2025 18:39

HardyAnt · 14/01/2025 18:23

Those who have a POA in place, have you used the online government one, rather than doing it via a solicitor?

Yes I did it online then you print the forms and get people to sign which is a bit of a faff as has to be in a specific order but not hard to do

pilates · 14/01/2025 18:42

^
and a fraction of the price

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 14/01/2025 18:51

Dh and I did ours some years ago, but admittedly we were both getting on a bit by then.
Having said that, although it’s unlikely, anyone could suffer e.g. a severe stroke or a bad accident, or other condition where you were unable to make your wishes known.
So - as long as you trust your dh - TBH I can’t seen any downside.

We’ve added paragraphs to ours, to state in what cases (e.g. being unable both to care for ourselves and speak with full mental capacity for ourselves) we want no ‘striving to keep alive’.

Original poster
Midlifecareerchange · 14/01/2025 18:52

So no one feels or knows of any examples where POA has been invoked against someone's wishes?

I've looked up the Kate Garraway story. Re- mortgaging/ selling property/ changing utilities. I'm starting to get it.

Still on the fence re medical wishes but I suppose if you actually completely lack capacity then you can only hope you've listed all eventualities. I hate hypothetical disasters and am unwilling to think about them so thanks again for the examples people have given.

OP posts:
Original poster
Midlifecareerchange · 14/01/2025 18:56

And to clarify yes I understand things that might lead to loss of capacity such as stroke, brain injury, dementia. It's the types of healthcare decisions that those things might lead to that I'm not so clear on

OP posts:
CharityShopChic · 14/01/2025 18:59

DH and I have them for each other, we are both 50. We have had them at least 5 years as it was sorted out pre-Covid.

We decided to do it after one of DH's colleagues had a cycling accident overseas, suffered a catastrophic brain injury and now needs round the clock nursing care in a home. He has a child who was about 3 or 4 when it happened. His wife couldn't access his money. Nobody at work was - legally - allowed to discuss her husband's pension or salary, which had been paid into an account in his sole name and the he'd transfer some into a joint account. She couldn't even cancel the Sky TV as it was in his name. Yes it got sorted eventually as it all went through the courts and it because obvious that the guy had lost capacity and wasn't going to regain it, but it took at least 6 months to sort it all out - at a time where his wife was going through the worst time ever.

It's most definitely NOT only for people who are old and ill.

Sunnnybunny72 · 14/01/2025 19:03

We did our during the boredom of Covid. Early fifties.