My stepdaughter is happy about my pregnancy and it’s causing friction in my relationship

[Newmum0207]

My partner and I live together, he has a 13yr old daughter who I have always gotten along with and had no real issues prior. She stays with us every other weekend, she is definitely 13 going on 30 and although I have seen her sassy, slightly ruder side at moments I’ve never had it targeted to me.

We recently found out I was pregnant with our first child together, we mutually agreed that my SD should be the first to know to allow her to process her feelings before we shared with the wider family. My partner sees the good in everything and was adamant she would take it well but I was apprehensive given her age and that there is already jealousy between her and her younger cousins. She has often mentioned that my in laws do not make as much effort with her vs other children in the family.

I thought it would be best my partner tell her one on one so that she felt comfortable to voice any worries as she was feeling them. Later she got upset and told me as she felt understandably worried that her dad wasn’t going to make any effort with her anymore and he was going to forget about her. Not only did it upset my partner but it upset me as something we were so excited about was causing her so much worry and upset. We had a girly day the next day to reassure her it was going to be okay. She soon said she felt she was being silly as she was worrying for no reason.

Since then we have shared the new baby news with my partners family as well as my own. However this is where the issues start, anytime my in laws mention anything to do with the baby she starts to act up, talks over people (about unrelated things) or anything will do that will provoke some attention. I said very little but just asked my partner if everything is okay with her as I don’t think she has as on board as we think she is. I try to keep conversation about the baby to a minimal when she is staying with us and I’m worried it’s going to upset her further. She has recently starting making little comments when my partner isn’t around like telling me he broke up with his last girlfriend because he didn’t want a baby so soon (which is not true) or telling me that his grandmother said if it’s a girl to return it (there are a lot of girls in the family and it was made as a joke but she didn’t mention that part). The last few weeks have been really tough, everything or any choices I have make (things since as new plates I bought for our kitchen) seem to be in the firing line, they are stupid or ugly. Her behaviour in general has just gotten much worse in the last few weeks, she will be extremely rude to my partner and his parents, but he doesn’t raise it with her. Understandably he doesn't want his weekend with her to be a negative one but this means she thinks that is now okay to speak to people like that because she’s being allowed to. My partner is still adamant she is excited and happy about it, but I am really not convinced. We have each other on social media and she normally is very active interacting with anything I post but anything baby related she will not.

This weekend I was given the cold shoulder and ignored any time I spoke or given dirty looks. Which is the first time I said to my partner that enough is enough (the raging hormones, mean I have less patience than normal) as I live in this house too and don’t deserve to be treated like rubbish. It’s causing me so much anxiety as I don’t know what to expect when she arrives, I’m worried about what the future looks like as it seems to be getting worse and I’m worried it’s going become a serious problem once the little one is born as inevitably a baby is going to get a lot of attention. I have made it clear to my partner that her current behaviour wouldn’t be acceptable around a younger child which he has agreed. He hates confrontation and to be the bad guy so I have little hope that this is going to improve.

Please help me, I’m trying to have patience but if I’m truly honest I seem to have none with my pregnancy hormones. I do not have much experience with blended families and neither do my friends, is anybody able to give some advice?

Absolutely. It’s prioritising the parents happiness. Research shows that this prioritisation may well come at the expense of the child.

Because saying "she's probably capable of having a child herself" implies that a 13 year old has the maturity to be a mother, therefore should also have the maturity to behave like an adult in whatever other situation is the discussion at hand. That's the point they're trying to make with that comment. That's what is vile.

Yes of course men can rape very young girls and impregnate them, however those girls remain children. The fact that some of their body parts are capable of performing the function of producing babies does not in any way make them adults capable of adult levels of reasoning and responsibility.

Thank you.

A lot of posters are being called mean/bitter etc but we are trying to stand up for the children involved. I would guess most of the "mean" posters have been stepchildren themselves vs "bitter ex wives". It really impacts your whole life and self worth to feel unwanted as a child and not have a home you're comfortable in.

That's the harshest comment I've ever read on here. Are you ok?

What is the relationship between your DH and her Mum like? Between you and her?

Because I think she could help quite a bit if she is inclined to, since her Dd is clearly in pain and upset.

Between you all I would be saying that parents' love for their kids is unconditional and lifelong, and is not dependent on who lives here, or what age you are.

It is good that she voiced her initial fears about being ignored / supplanted because you can bring this up again and say it isn't surprising if different things make her feel like this.

Are family members making a big fuss about the baby? Tough but it might be better if they dial it down, or you don't respond in a way that means it overtakes every conversation.

It's OK to tell her you feel upset and hurt when she is rude to you, though. In a talk-it-through kind of way.

You say you don't like being treated this way in your own home - but it is her home too and she didn't get a choice about a baby coming into it - she feels as if she doesn't like being treated like that in her own home! Doesn't mean you have done a wrong thing, of course.

Such an incredibly difficult age. They are insecure about losing their 'child' status anyway, have their own adolescent hormones raging

Dear @Newmum0207 it’s a shame this thread got a bit derailed. Sometimes these threads can be so amazing and supportive!
anyway - you sound amazing and it feels like all adults are managing good relationships for the good of your step daughter.
In my experience - I think 13 into 14 can be a tricky age, regardless of your SD juggling two homes, an impending baby, her hormones raging, friendship issues, jealousies etc.
I am sure it will be alright as you’re all in sync but it is likely there may be a bit of turbulence ahead and this may have happened whether you had a baby or not! Just because that age can be difficult to navigate.
As a number of people have said, the secret will be to reassure her she’s still incredibly important in your lives and that you’re still both there for her- but especially your DH. And ideally this is done - not through overtly spoiling and giving in to everything she may demand - but giving her time, being interested in her things, doing things together that she wants to do. On her weekends it’s important your DH still does something with her that SHE values (not what he thinks she likes). Hopefully you will also be able to maintain doing something together - eg you both watch Love Island together or Billie Eilish gigs on YouTube. Or you all play quizzes, UNO or cards together once the baby is napping so she feels she has something with you both that’s fun and separate from the baby.
I still think manners, helping and your house rules/ boundaries are as important as ever - and shouldn’t be tossed away because she’s moody - but maintaining an interest in her things outside of the baby will be so helpful in keeping her feeling loved. Often moodiness and anger at that age is how they show stress and anxiety and she will be feeling that for all the reasons people have listed. Quality time on her level will really help ease that and strengthen bonds. Good luck OP x .

Good for you OP xxx

@Newmum0207
Nowhere have you suggested this but I want to just say never to say that your sd can't stay over due to her behaviour once baby is here

Your house is her home. You can't ever say to a 13 year old that she has lost the right to be in her home. If you do, you will damage things irretrievably

If she was your biological child you could never ban her from the house so please don't even think to do this on the basis that she's your step child.

When you have not said this I just wanted to mention this as I've read step parents ban their misbehaving sc before.

I can comment precisely what I like, thanks 👍

No, stepparents cannot banish unhappy teenagers from their own homes (which is what this is, since it's her father's home). Any parent whose spouse attempts this should be shown the door. It's also not a child's responsibility to be quiet and compliant in order to protect their stepmother's marriage. What a bizarre take.

It’s not ‘perfect behaviour’ that’s expected. It’s basic respect. And yes I see my stepchildren as their father’s relatives, because that’s what they are, it’s a description of the relationship not an insult.

Do you see your own children as your “relatives”? Do you refer to them as such?

HTH.

Well I am a stepmother and my home is certainly not my stepchild’s home because she doesn’t live here. She visits to spend time with her dad. There are rules and boundaries and if they aren’t followed to the point it negatively impacts the children who do live here then she wouldn’t be welcome and her dad would have to see her in another location. No parent is going to put their own children at risk in order to accommodate another child.

@Fargo79 I would just like to add I have not once said I would refuse my SD access to her home for her behaviour. My partner and I have an understanding of the respect every person in our lives should show when in our home. My partner does not shout nor play evil dad, he will have a chat with her about how she’s feeling and explain there are other ways to express herself without resorting to disrespect.
I myself have often taken myself out of our home to give her and myself and my partner some space to breathe. We are all entitled to a breather and if that means I pop out for 30 minutes while everyone gathers their thoughts that is fine. I would never resort to telling a child they are not allowed in their home.

You are exactly the kind of person who should never have become a stepparent. No father worth a damn would bring someone with that attitude into their child's life.

I think what she's feeling is entirely normal. Of course she is worried . Don't pay any attention to negative behaviour, obviously be there and know she can go to you and dad for support. Always include her if you can and just generally involve her in a positive way.

They are my relatives. So yes I see them as my relatives. Not sure why that’s bad? They are related to me but not to other people and the fact they are my children means I am responsible for them.

You don’t know anything about my relationships. You just don’t like someone with first hand experience of a blended family telling you the reality that the children who are not related to everyone aren’t everyone’s priority. Doesn’t mean they are mistreated, it means they aren’t a priority for me over myself and my own children.

“Doesn’t mean they are mistreated, it means they aren’t a priority for me over myself and my own children.”

This, in a nutshell, is why it’s so hard to be a stepchild.

I don't need to know anything further about you. Your husband has married someone who doesn't consider his child as part of the family who actually lives at the house, rather as someone who can be shown the door if they become problematic. You are both despicable for that alone.

If you could see beyond the end of your own nose, you'd realise that probably most of the people on this thread (me included) have "firsthand experience of a blended family".

I have 3 daughters op should not be a push over.

The Cinderella effect in action. Imagine your kid being treated like this and their father shrugging their shoulders. So awful. Poor kids!

A man who is ok with their child being treated like this in his home has absolutely prioritised his happiness. What he cared about was forging a home with a new woman. Having children with her. If his other child toes the line great. If not, then that child is reminded that this is not their home and they are not welcome if they can’t show respect.

Would you apply the same rules to your own children. Say one child is disrespectful to you or a sibling. Are they sent off to an aunt and told they can’t come home until they behave?

All I see here is a SM doing her best to lay down some boundaries for mutual respect

In a nutshell.

People should ask themselves why this opinion is so prevalent though...

There's obviously no point going back and forth with you, but I feel so unbelievably for your stepchildren (sorry your "partners relatives").

Your empathy is gratefully received. I’ll use it to pay for their next holiday.