My stepdaughter is happy about my pregnancy and it’s causing friction in my relationship

[Newmum0207]

My partner and I live together, he has a 13yr old daughter who I have always gotten along with and had no real issues prior. She stays with us every other weekend, she is definitely 13 going on 30 and although I have seen her sassy, slightly ruder side at moments I’ve never had it targeted to me.

We recently found out I was pregnant with our first child together, we mutually agreed that my SD should be the first to know to allow her to process her feelings before we shared with the wider family. My partner sees the good in everything and was adamant she would take it well but I was apprehensive given her age and that there is already jealousy between her and her younger cousins. She has often mentioned that my in laws do not make as much effort with her vs other children in the family.

I thought it would be best my partner tell her one on one so that she felt comfortable to voice any worries as she was feeling them. Later she got upset and told me as she felt understandably worried that her dad wasn’t going to make any effort with her anymore and he was going to forget about her. Not only did it upset my partner but it upset me as something we were so excited about was causing her so much worry and upset. We had a girly day the next day to reassure her it was going to be okay. She soon said she felt she was being silly as she was worrying for no reason.

Since then we have shared the new baby news with my partners family as well as my own. However this is where the issues start, anytime my in laws mention anything to do with the baby she starts to act up, talks over people (about unrelated things) or anything will do that will provoke some attention. I said very little but just asked my partner if everything is okay with her as I don’t think she has as on board as we think she is. I try to keep conversation about the baby to a minimal when she is staying with us and I’m worried it’s going to upset her further. She has recently starting making little comments when my partner isn’t around like telling me he broke up with his last girlfriend because he didn’t want a baby so soon (which is not true) or telling me that his grandmother said if it’s a girl to return it (there are a lot of girls in the family and it was made as a joke but she didn’t mention that part). The last few weeks have been really tough, everything or any choices I have make (things since as new plates I bought for our kitchen) seem to be in the firing line, they are stupid or ugly. Her behaviour in general has just gotten much worse in the last few weeks, she will be extremely rude to my partner and his parents, but he doesn’t raise it with her. Understandably he doesn't want his weekend with her to be a negative one but this means she thinks that is now okay to speak to people like that because she’s being allowed to. My partner is still adamant she is excited and happy about it, but I am really not convinced. We have each other on social media and she normally is very active interacting with anything I post but anything baby related she will not.

This weekend I was given the cold shoulder and ignored any time I spoke or given dirty looks. Which is the first time I said to my partner that enough is enough (the raging hormones, mean I have less patience than normal) as I live in this house too and don’t deserve to be treated like rubbish. It’s causing me so much anxiety as I don’t know what to expect when she arrives, I’m worried about what the future looks like as it seems to be getting worse and I’m worried it’s going become a serious problem once the little one is born as inevitably a baby is going to get a lot of attention. I have made it clear to my partner that her current behaviour wouldn’t be acceptable around a younger child which he has agreed. He hates confrontation and to be the bad guy so I have little hope that this is going to improve.

Please help me, I’m trying to have patience but if I’m truly honest I seem to have none with my pregnancy hormones. I do not have much experience with blended families and neither do my friends, is anybody able to give some advice?

She is being 13 a child. I think you need to realise although she is a teenager she is still emotionally immature. She has admitted to being worried her dad won’t make time for her. It sounds like she is scared and the only person that can reassure her is her dad.

OP has asked for advice about her situation, as an expectant mother and stressed out stepmother and you have made this about how her partner should be a better dad? Yes it's crap for the daughter that her parents split up, but not OP's fault and she has her own child and should be entitled to enjoy her pregnancy. Of course she should not be mean to her stepchild, but it isn't her responsibility to manage her partner's relationship with his daughter. And yes, if a person who comes into your home (even if it's a close relative of your partner) behaves in a way that's unacceptable they don't get to come over any more. It's important his stepdaughter takes this boundary on board, or it will end in another child with a broken family when OP leaves to get away from the toxic home.

This fucking place sometimes.

He has been apart from the mother of his child for 10 years! Is he not allowed to ever move on, have another life with someone else that he loves.

Is he meant to put his life on hold forever because he already has a kid? Yeah, she's jealous and why not, its hard for her. But life is hard.

OP and the dad need to keep her involved, dont hide it from her like its a dirty secret, thats not fair on OP or the baby.

I think that you’ll realise this when baby is 13 but just because 13 year olds act like they’re 30, it doesn’t mean that they are emotionally mature. 13 year olds say that they want to be treated like adults and sometimes act like they know it all but sometimes they secretly want to be treated like the young children that they are. Your sd is lashing out because dad and ILs aren’t seeing her and giving her the love and attention that she wants and needs.I understand that you feel limited in what you can do without your h being on board but she’d be acting like this even if she was your dd too. It’s sad that her dad can not act as thoughtfully as you.

@Fargo79
It is sad that from the information given that either biological parents be attacked for their decisions. The post is here for genuine helpful advice and not a dumping ground for people’s hateful views on blended families.

this will be the last negative unhelpful post I reply to but I by no means saying she shouldn’t be around the baby. It is having a mutual understanding of the behaviour that is or is not acceptable in our household. We as parents set an example of how everyone including our children should act. We are all entitled to feel how we are feeling in our home whether that is angry, upset, sad, happy but we are not allowed to disrespect eachother. That applies to me and my partner to eachother, that applies to his SD, that applied to my nieces or nephews if they were over, my mother, my father, his family too. Nobody is singled out and it is for us both to ensure everyone understands that.

I don't have much advice, but wishing you all the best with the pregnancy, the new baby, and your relationship with your step daughter, which you clearly care about ❤️ To be honest, my 4 yo is still struggling with the arrival of her baby brother, 8mo and often says she misses when it was DP and me just for herself.
Keep accepting and validating the feelings, from her, you and DP. Keep the conversation open, stay compassionate and show love ❤️

EOW is not 'barely seeing'. That's mumsnet hyperbole. It's fairly standard.

It may be standard but an average 4 days out 30 is barely seeing.
That’s what, 48 days out of 365.
It’s not even 1/4 of the year.

If I only went into work 4 days every month, I would barely be in.

Of course it’s difficult to find the right balance but it’s definitely not a lot.

It is always going to be harder for a child who only sees their dad 4 days a month, than a child who lives with their parent FT.

That’s not having a go at dads or step parents, it’s just being realistic.

So if you and DH split up, get ready for him seeing your child once a fortnight.

I think she's saying that single parents should think about impacts on their kids of their relationships post split. That can look different for different people. The dad her is on his second partner since the split, if I understand correctly. His daughter is already playing second fiddle with his parents and now comes a baby. When does she come first?

I was widowed and because of having to experience all sorts of steps and "uncles" and permutations as a kid, I chose to stay single until my kids were adults and established their independence. I dated but no live ins or marriages and funny how many want to. My theory is those guys want a bangmaid to take care of them and sorry, my caretaking is for my kids. I'm pretty happy with how things and my kids turned out

I’m currently pregnant. Have a child from my previous marriage, my husband has children from his previous marriage. 50:50 in place for both my child and his children.

My child is ecstatic about the baby, really engaged and can’t wait. His children are more ambivalent, I was a little surprised by this as they were so excited when their mum had a baby with her new partner a couple of years ago. But further thought on it made me wonder if the existence of a half sibling in their other home may well be part of why as well as the general uncertainty around how things might change in this house.

So I’ve gone with what seems to make them most comfortable, which is less baby chat and more business as usual, so to speak. The format of the 50:50 arrangement differs so there is plenty of time for my child to have 1:1 time in which they can be excited etc, and my step children can have their preferred approach too. As well as shared time where they’re all together in which none of them give much of a hoot because they’re busy catching up with each other.

I think any separated parent set up can have its pitfalls, many posters seem to hate 50:50 as a concept. But I do think when done well, and child focused it does enable blending to occur in a more natural way than EOW. EOW (to me) feels like it relegates children to guest status in the home of one of their parents (usually dad), which is difficult for children to understand and for adults (particularly step parents) to navigate. Appreciate not all dads are willing to do 50:50, however.

My parents divorced when I was a child and they did well I think, in modelling a non-dysfunctional way of living thereafter. I’m a strong advocate of all the children in my life having 1:1 time with their parent, without their step parent/step sibling and in the case of my step children, without their sibling too. So they also get 1:1 time with the step parent. It’s little things that can be made consistent like popping to the shop with one, not all, walking the dog etc. Nuclear families don’t usually spend every waking moment outside of school/work in each others pockets, it is a mistake when blending to force that dynamic of “all together always”.

Why does everyone keep saying EOW means 2 days?

We have my DSD 'EOW' but that means pick up from school Friday until school on the Tuesday morning so 4 nights.

That's also how often I saw my Dad growing up and we are super close, just like I am close to my two half siblings. I preferred having my base at my Mum's house as it's not great for kids to be ferried around constantly.

Just going to ask this again OP because I think it might provide some helpful context.

Hi OP,

I think it’s clear your intentions are good and you mean well.

The one negative thing I have taken away from your posts, however, is your focus on “behaviour”. It’s a bit objectifying of your DSD. She is trying to express how she feels about this situation , and she doesn’t have the power/ tools/ capacity to say it directly, so it’s coming out in her general attitude. The focus shouldbt be on correcting her behaviour. Obviously there’s a line but a few shirty comments, grumpy faces is hardly it.

This situation is utterly shit for your DSD in a lot of ways , and she’s allowed to be mad/ sad about that.
Life is so shit for kids sometimes because they are just forced to live in situations over which they have no control , and then they aren’t even allowed to express their feelings without having their “behaviour” admonished . That sucks.

I think lots of posters have given helpful practical advice- my extra two cents would be drop the focus on her “behaviour”.

Good luck and I hope it all improves soon x

Please, please don't refer to your step-daughter's mother as her 'biological mother'. She is her only mother. There is no confusion over that, and therefore there is no need to use the adjective 'biological'.

I feel sorry for her. Imagine being a child who’s Dad only wants her around less than a quarter of the time, but is about to parent a new baby 100% of the time? I understand her Mum
moved away but in your SDs eyes that’ll be how it feels. I’m a SM and we’re trying for a baby, we have a slightly smaller gap (DSD is 9) and we have 50:50 and I still think it’ll be hard. Give her plenty of space to discuss her feelings and plenty of 1:1 time after baby arrives.

He'll need to spend more time with her for discipline to be effective tbh. Telling her off all the time when he sees her so little, and she's already feeling insecure isn't going to help at all. It's all a bit too little too late, hasn't actively parented until it's annoying the new girlfriend. I know it's not what you want to hear....

Lots of kids prefer to have a base.

And I’m glad that you didn’t have any worries with your half siblings.

But it’s just being realistic saying that a child who sees their parent for less than 1/4 of the year, is more likely going to find a new sibling harder to deal with at first, than a child who lives with their parent FT.

I don’t think it’s helpful to OP to imply that the DDs behaviour is unusual, as I would say it’s normal and to be expected at that age.

She’ll come around eventually, she just needs extra love and support.

Do you want an echo chamber of bitter women who wish their stepchildren would piss off so their husbands can focus on their real (second) family, or do you actually want to fix this?

OP, I think you've been pretty good at recognising that it's not all about your own feelings and I am sorry you've been getting a hard time.

I think that it's pretty natural for your SD to feel pretty miffed. She's not really got a template for what this all looks like for her. Frankly, she's not wrong that things might change for the worse for her - less focused attention from her dad and other family, less time dedicated to her stuff etc. there won't be a lot of overlap between the things your kids like to do when older and she probably will be expected to suck that up for family time to a degree, won't she? All siblings end up doing or not doing some things because of the other one(s). She's not stupid.

It's now on your partner to show her that there are advantages to being an older child. Can he take some leave before baby arrives for a trip together? Could just be a few days. Something that is not baby suitable or centric that she would like to do - ask her input.

Give her a grown up room, ask if she wants any involvement in baby stuff at the moment (would she like to choose an outfit for baby, or something for baby's space?) and respect that level of involvement. Make clear that her feelings matter, even if you think she needs more help and guidance in how she expresses them.

she sees her dad only every other weekend (which I think is awfully little - is there a reason he doesn't have more involvement) and now a new baby is entering the scene. she probably worries that her time with the dad will be reduced further. she already doesn't seem to be a priority to him. The new sibling will be living with the dad full time whilst she only sees him fortnightly. Just show some understanding and cut her some slack

Don't say "biological mother" OP. It's dickish. She's only got one mother, no need for the qualifier. You're not her mother.

As for the other thing ...she sees her dad once a fortnight. Her new half sibling will live with that dad full time. On what planet would she not be jealous and upset and feel replaced and pushed out?

@Newmum0207 you've had an awful time on here. I had to post to give you some support. I can’t believe the amount of bonkers replies. Every age is a ‘hard age’ on MN 😂

I think you’ve taken a really considerate approach. You’ve considered her feelings, you acknowledge her feelings but you also acknowledge that the behaviour is NOT acceptable. You’ve been extremely understanding and not impatient at all.

At 13 she knows EXACTLY what she is doing. She is probably capable of having a child herself. This is no confused five year old who’s gone through rapid changes in a year. My mom had a baby when I was 12/13 and I was a brat and used it as an excuse to misbehave. I knew exactly what I was doing at the time too!

If your SD responded with this behaviour at school because she didn’t like something that was happening, every poster would be saying the child needs parenting and should know better at 13. Apparently it’s not okay to display bad behaviour towards anybody other than a step parent 🙈

Sending lots of love OP. Stay firm and protect you and baby xx

My sister was in a similar situation. Expecting a baby and teen SD (18) absolutely furious and happy to show it. There were many many moments of upset, rage etc from her and nothing seemed to help.
When the baby was born she absolutely loved her and stepped into proud big sister mode almost overnight. It seemed so strange at the time and still does but all is well (they are a few years older now and very close). What I'm saying is as much as this is awful and hard to cope with there is every chance it will blow over. Take care.