My stepdaughter is happy about my pregnancy and it’s causing friction in my relationship

[Newmum0207]

My partner and I live together, he has a 13yr old daughter who I have always gotten along with and had no real issues prior. She stays with us every other weekend, she is definitely 13 going on 30 and although I have seen her sassy, slightly ruder side at moments I’ve never had it targeted to me.

We recently found out I was pregnant with our first child together, we mutually agreed that my SD should be the first to know to allow her to process her feelings before we shared with the wider family. My partner sees the good in everything and was adamant she would take it well but I was apprehensive given her age and that there is already jealousy between her and her younger cousins. She has often mentioned that my in laws do not make as much effort with her vs other children in the family.

I thought it would be best my partner tell her one on one so that she felt comfortable to voice any worries as she was feeling them. Later she got upset and told me as she felt understandably worried that her dad wasn’t going to make any effort with her anymore and he was going to forget about her. Not only did it upset my partner but it upset me as something we were so excited about was causing her so much worry and upset. We had a girly day the next day to reassure her it was going to be okay. She soon said she felt she was being silly as she was worrying for no reason.

Since then we have shared the new baby news with my partners family as well as my own. However this is where the issues start, anytime my in laws mention anything to do with the baby she starts to act up, talks over people (about unrelated things) or anything will do that will provoke some attention. I said very little but just asked my partner if everything is okay with her as I don’t think she has as on board as we think she is. I try to keep conversation about the baby to a minimal when she is staying with us and I’m worried it’s going to upset her further. She has recently starting making little comments when my partner isn’t around like telling me he broke up with his last girlfriend because he didn’t want a baby so soon (which is not true) or telling me that his grandmother said if it’s a girl to return it (there are a lot of girls in the family and it was made as a joke but she didn’t mention that part). The last few weeks have been really tough, everything or any choices I have make (things since as new plates I bought for our kitchen) seem to be in the firing line, they are stupid or ugly. Her behaviour in general has just gotten much worse in the last few weeks, she will be extremely rude to my partner and his parents, but he doesn’t raise it with her. Understandably he doesn't want his weekend with her to be a negative one but this means she thinks that is now okay to speak to people like that because she’s being allowed to. My partner is still adamant she is excited and happy about it, but I am really not convinced. We have each other on social media and she normally is very active interacting with anything I post but anything baby related she will not.

This weekend I was given the cold shoulder and ignored any time I spoke or given dirty looks. Which is the first time I said to my partner that enough is enough (the raging hormones, mean I have less patience than normal) as I live in this house too and don’t deserve to be treated like rubbish. It’s causing me so much anxiety as I don’t know what to expect when she arrives, I’m worried about what the future looks like as it seems to be getting worse and I’m worried it’s going become a serious problem once the little one is born as inevitably a baby is going to get a lot of attention. I have made it clear to my partner that her current behaviour wouldn’t be acceptable around a younger child which he has agreed. He hates confrontation and to be the bad guy so I have little hope that this is going to improve.

Please help me, I’m trying to have patience but if I’m truly honest I seem to have none with my pregnancy hormones. I do not have much experience with blended families and neither do my friends, is anybody able to give some advice?

You keep going on about her behaviour, but her behaviour is her communication. It’s her telling her Dad that she’s scared and unhappy yet all you seem to care about is standards of behaviour compared to how you were brought up.

I am sure that if you weee in the same position she is in at 13, you’d have a lot better understanding, but if you weren’t, then you need to find the understanding anyway. You have had a hand in rocking a child’s world and you’re expecting her to be happy and supportive about it when it’s only going to get harder for her. Suck the behaviour and make sure she gets the unconditional love and support she needs. That includes not making the decision on behalf of her actual parent about what is ‘acceptable’.

Why are women so venomous on stepmum threads. I don't know why step mums ask for advice when all they receive is abuse.

@LocalHer0e i can’t find your original message but I would absolutely put my children in line about their behaviour if they were disrespectful.
There is all the room in the world in this house for unhappy, sad, grieving, lonely children but when you are old enough to express yourself without disrespecting others I will teach them exactly the same thing.

Holiday's and spending money mean NOTHING compared to actually feeling comfortable at home (and yes if they are children, wherever their father lives is their home.) and feeling loved and secure by their parents.

You are sickening. As is your husband.

She's not "old enough to express herself without disrespecting others" though. She's quite literally a ball of emotions and hormones and her dad (and you) have just thrown her an enormous curve ball that's too much for her to handle. You need to get real and adjust your expectations.

OP you must know that some kids have a problem with any new sibling arrival right? The added things here for your DSD is divorced parents, claims that GPs are not attentive and, true or not, these are what she believes and she is 13, a child probably going through puberty.

I suggest you change your perspective, and consider your DSD as your own petulant DD. And then be considered and measured in how you would take her sassy or rude behaviours.

I think you’re taking this way too specifically and attributing a 13 y/o behaviours to something nastier than it is. It may be that you generally take things too seriously or it’s your hormones maybe.

I speak from experience of having two step kids - when they piss me off I always think with perspective hat on.

People are trying to help OP see it from the daughters perspective so the situation can be resolved.

What would you prefer? Everyone call the child nasty names and say she should be thrown out for having emotions?

Really for enforcing boundaries. This is news to most parents on Mumsnet KIDS LOVE BOUNDARIES.

What an awful situation for his daughter to be in. Poor girl. Your dp needs to grow up and realize he doesn't get to choose who he is a father to. He will have two childre, he needs to be a parent to both.

Jesus Christ, OP, read the room:

She's 13. She barely sees her father. His g/friend is now pregnant.
Of course she's going to be experiencing a multitude of emotions.
I appreciate it's a happy time for you, but maybe she doesn't want yet another thing in her life that draws attention from and connection with her Father.
And, yes, I have been through similar, as my eldest (former) DSD was 12 when I found out I was pregnant with my twins.

I’m not going to engage with this much further other than to say it’s obviously not the case that wherever a child’s father lives is their home. There are dads in prisons and in halfway houses. Your home is the place you live, where your belongings are and where you can come and go as you please without an invitation. That’s not how my blended family works, for lots of reasons, I understand other people do things differently.

Moving on doesn't have to involve having a new baby.

What makes you think she can adequately express herself? Adults can’t do that sometimes especially when they’re in a situation that they find upsetting and stressful, so how do you expect a child to?

Have you never heard of mixed emotions or been in a position that’s upset you but you can’t articulate why?

You can't lie to her things will change. The op, her DH and dsd will have to adapt when a new baby comes along. The more honest everyone is about what is happening the quicker everyone will move on. I have 3 daughters I know about emotion no one should pander to nonsense just be honest.

Because almost none of them have any experience of stepparenting and can only imagine a fantasy in which the stepparent reduces their own life to a background concern in order to accommodate a difficult child who has perfectly good parents whose job it is to accommodate them.

Hi op, I had similar. Went from a sd who had an amazing relationship with, to completely distant. She was naturally insecure. Her dad prioritised time with her. Once baby was born and she saw contact didn't change, she was first to meet baby and love towards her didn't change, she was happy as anything. Its a big change for any child especially one who doesn't see her dad often. Its a big change for full blood siblings let alone half. Perhaps your partner could speak to his parents and see if they'd have some quality time with their granddaughter/your stepdaughter so she doesn't worry about competing for attention from others as well as him having one on one time with her. She will be ok, just love her extra hard and show her love with siblings increases

Just saying 'mother' is clear enough.

Op you sound so naive which I guess is forgivable considering you're not a parent yet.

Best thing would be to take the advice you've been given.

You surely cannot be this simple? Although your lack of punctuation suggests you might be.

No, she's not sickening for having boundaries. She's sickening for this:

Well I am a stepmother and my home is certainly not my stepchild’s home because she doesn’t live here. She visits to spend time with her dad.

Reverse the situation.

Think about your reaction

if your partner said

"I'm getting a new partner "
but don't worry it'll be fine.

Of course she's worried and angry.

You're being deliberately obtuse because as you know, the objections are not about boundaries; they are about not considering stepchildren to actually live at their father's home and threatening to ban them from the home if they behave in ways that are problematic. I wonder why you didn't feel able to defend the actual position being discussed and instead felt the need to misrepresent it?

I wonder if @Katbum's shared kids with her husband are to be given their marching orders if they become troublesome as teenagers 🤔

There has been a lot of advice on the thread and it’s a lot calmer and more rational than most of the threads on the step parenting forum.

Would you apply the same rules to your own children. Say one child is disrespectful to you or a sibling. Are they sent off to an aunt and told they can’t come home until they behave?

I would also be very interested to hear the answer to this question.

Probably because many of us have children so it doesn’t take a huge leap to imagine the hurt they would feel if when they are 13, their father who is already only an EOW dad decides to have a new family.

Or because many of us have been step children and know how difficult it is.

Or maybe is because step mothers have little awareness of anything other than their own relationship bubble and so often seem to think that they will never have to deal with bad behaviour, when quite often it’s their existence that’s causing it.

@Arthurnewyorkcity You sound like a lovely step-mum.