My stepdaughter is happy about my pregnancy and it’s causing friction in my relationship

[Newmum0207]

My partner and I live together, he has a 13yr old daughter who I have always gotten along with and had no real issues prior. She stays with us every other weekend, she is definitely 13 going on 30 and although I have seen her sassy, slightly ruder side at moments I’ve never had it targeted to me.

We recently found out I was pregnant with our first child together, we mutually agreed that my SD should be the first to know to allow her to process her feelings before we shared with the wider family. My partner sees the good in everything and was adamant she would take it well but I was apprehensive given her age and that there is already jealousy between her and her younger cousins. She has often mentioned that my in laws do not make as much effort with her vs other children in the family.

I thought it would be best my partner tell her one on one so that she felt comfortable to voice any worries as she was feeling them. Later she got upset and told me as she felt understandably worried that her dad wasn’t going to make any effort with her anymore and he was going to forget about her. Not only did it upset my partner but it upset me as something we were so excited about was causing her so much worry and upset. We had a girly day the next day to reassure her it was going to be okay. She soon said she felt she was being silly as she was worrying for no reason.

Since then we have shared the new baby news with my partners family as well as my own. However this is where the issues start, anytime my in laws mention anything to do with the baby she starts to act up, talks over people (about unrelated things) or anything will do that will provoke some attention. I said very little but just asked my partner if everything is okay with her as I don’t think she has as on board as we think she is. I try to keep conversation about the baby to a minimal when she is staying with us and I’m worried it’s going to upset her further. She has recently starting making little comments when my partner isn’t around like telling me he broke up with his last girlfriend because he didn’t want a baby so soon (which is not true) or telling me that his grandmother said if it’s a girl to return it (there are a lot of girls in the family and it was made as a joke but she didn’t mention that part). The last few weeks have been really tough, everything or any choices I have make (things since as new plates I bought for our kitchen) seem to be in the firing line, they are stupid or ugly. Her behaviour in general has just gotten much worse in the last few weeks, she will be extremely rude to my partner and his parents, but he doesn’t raise it with her. Understandably he doesn't want his weekend with her to be a negative one but this means she thinks that is now okay to speak to people like that because she’s being allowed to. My partner is still adamant she is excited and happy about it, but I am really not convinced. We have each other on social media and she normally is very active interacting with anything I post but anything baby related she will not.

This weekend I was given the cold shoulder and ignored any time I spoke or given dirty looks. Which is the first time I said to my partner that enough is enough (the raging hormones, mean I have less patience than normal) as I live in this house too and don’t deserve to be treated like rubbish. It’s causing me so much anxiety as I don’t know what to expect when she arrives, I’m worried about what the future looks like as it seems to be getting worse and I’m worried it’s going become a serious problem once the little one is born as inevitably a baby is going to get a lot of attention. I have made it clear to my partner that her current behaviour wouldn’t be acceptable around a younger child which he has agreed. He hates confrontation and to be the bad guy so I have little hope that this is going to improve.

Please help me, I’m trying to have patience but if I’m truly honest I seem to have none with my pregnancy hormones. I do not have much experience with blended families and neither do my friends, is anybody able to give some advice?

@trendingdiscuss
its actually laughable at this point what people find to be offended by… I have been using biological before things just to make it clear in my text.
no other ulterior motive.

Why does it have to be additional weekends? The mum does the hard work during the week and has to give up half of her ‘downtime’ with her child with half weekends and half holidays gone. Why would you ask for more weekends to take from her instead of asking for weekdays? Oh, so she can continue to do the hard work and dad continues to be the Disney parent

@thecherryfox as you have clearly not cared to read thread but gone straight into attack, she lives and goes to school 160 miles away from us. It is not beneficial at all for her to be doing a 3 hour commute to and 3 hour commute home from school in the week.

Would you like to be referred to as your child's "biological mother"? She's just the mother, that status is not impacted by a step mother appearing

All these ‘blended’ families… drives me mad hearing people run straight into them then complaining about what are going to be obvious problems. She barely sees her dad and is cold-shouldered by her parental family. Keep things very calm and neutral with her and try as much as you can to involve her in shopping for the baby etc. as far as she is concerned someone you all don’t even know yet is going to be living with her dad 14 days out of 14, of course she’s going to be jealous right now.

I was 10 and my DSis 12 when we were told our step mum was expecting a baby with our dad. There was no pussy footing around. I was 11 when my brother was born. I was sad as my place as the youngest had been taken. If dsis and I had acted up we’d have been ignored.

Your step daughter needs to grow up and realise it’s not all about her. Yes she’s a child but there’s no need for her to act like a 5 year old child!

I think this is absolutely appalling, to refer to someone's 13 year old child as "a close relative coming into your home" and that if they aren't always on perfect behaviour, they can't see their father anymore.

If OP's boyfriend allows her to stop him seeing his daughter because she's been upset by a massive change to her life, he's a weak pathetic excuse for a father.

@Anxioustealady Honestly, I couldn’t care less if someone refers to me as being my childs biological parent or just parent. I have never in my life pretended or tried to take the place of my SD mother, I have supported, defended and helped her mother and aim to for the rest of my life. We are not enemies and unfortunately for you, we do not fit the narrative of mother and step mother that don’t get along. We work alongside each other to make sure everyone’s happy

You are so right. Stepmothers post on here are truly wicked. I still remember a post from 2 years ago, when a stepmother was begrudging a sd a punnet of raspberries when sd was staying during the week-end with her dd and sm, under the guise of 'being worried about her earing patterns'. What was even more horrible, other women posted advice on how to replace expensive raspberries with cheaper options - like an apple. It was a horror to read. And I suppose your previous post was deleted because people do not like the truth.

Well clearly not

If your husband left you and married someone else, I think you'd care if that woman referred to you as your child's 'biological mother' instead of their mother!

My dad and stepmum had my brother when I was 13 and initially I was so worried about how this would affect my relationship with my dad, would I be forgotten, was he having a new baby to replace me? All very standard 13 year old thoughts! Similarly to your stepdaughter, I lived a few hours away from my dad at the time and I only saw him EOW. However, my brother came along and I love him more than anything in this world. We have a wonderful relationship and he is incredibly special to me.

Of course, it doesn’t all change overnight and it’s a really hard thing to navigate. The best advice I can give you is to encourage your partner to have 1-1 time with his daughter, especially after the baby is born. Try and involve her as much as she’d like to be involved. Perhaps a new upgrade on her bedroom as a special treat would go a long way? Although it may seem tricky now, I am sure with a lot of love and patience you will make this work. Blended families are not easy, but at almost 30 years old I can tell you not one of my fears about having a new sibling have ever come true. You sound like you want the best for all involved so I am sure you’ll get there. Best of luck!

This comment is horrendous, I’m shocked by it.

“At 13 she knows EXACTLY what she is doing. She is probably capable of having a child herself.”

Vile.

I've only read your posts, OP, and it seems you've taken some of the advice on board, which is great. To me, the examples you've provided don't show a really badly behaved child. They show a young teen who is desperately afraid that everyone around her is going to love the new baby more than her, and she'll get pushed out of the family. Talking over people is her way of expressing that fear and trying to prove to people, 'look at me, I'm still here, I'm just as interesting as a baby!' Some things, like not liking new plates, may just be typical young teen behaviour - they're unhappy, their hormones are all over the place, school is probably less than perfect and sometimes they just say mean things.

That being said, it's not appropriate for her to be giving you filthy looks, ignoring you or being rude to you. I think I'd just be direct rather than ignoring it and hoping it will go away. Ask why she's giving you dirty looks. Say when she's been rude and teach her how to say things in a better way. Let her know that you wonder if she's doing some things because she's worried about the new baby and doesn't feel she can say so, because she wants to support her dad. Tell her she can talk about that to you or her dad at any time. Let her know in advance that the baby will get lots of attention, because babies can't do anything for themselves. It doesn't mean you or her dad love her less, and ask what you can all do to make sure she feels that, whether that's one day per (her dad's) weekend that she spends doing something special with her dad, or something else that she'd really value.

This poster is sick in the head

She will be thinking to herself "he couldn't be arsed to be a dad to me, but he can for this baby. What's wrong with me?". Same for her other relatives who aren't interested in her but are in her cousins and this new baby "what's wrong with me that no one wants me?", it sounds dramatic but that's what she'll be thinking.

Children don't see their parents splitting as their parents leaving each other, they see it as their parents left them.

She will be lashing out because she's so hurt and it's easier to turn that into anger, and also because she feels like she will be rejected by her dad soon, so she's pushing you all away now to protect herself. If he doesn't engage with her and say "why are you doing this? I love you and that will never change" she will push him away before he can do it to her.

Many (I'd say the majority) stepmothers are great with stepchildren, really involved, say they're like her own, UNTIL she has more children with their dad. I've seen it so many times, she resents the stepchildren for ruining her family of 3, taking away the man's time and resources, she wants holidays "just us", "why don't we see the stepchildren after boxing day? Have a little family Christmas?" Etc etc... most of the time stepmothers are successful at pushing the first children out. She's worried for good reason.

Well it's a dick thing to say, whether you'd like it or not.

And everyones not happy, so maybe stop patting yourself on the back so much?

@Hipalong we all get it, you don’t like that the op used the term “biological mother”. Can we move on now?

If my child’s step mother referred to me as “the biological mother”, I 1) probably wouldn’t know 2) even if I did, it wouldn’t give me pause. So clearly, we are all different.

There was a post on here not long ago where a girl aged around the same called a TA fat and the whole place swarmed on it to say as a teen they know what’s right and wrong.

I’m not saying it’s right but there are a considerable number of 13yo’s who have children themselves, and more so in other countries. At 13, most children have entered puberty and have functioning organs that make them capable of having a child themselves.

What is vile about that? Both sentences you quote are factual!

This girls whole universe is changing. It is very likely that she WILL receive less attention and be sidelined. She has been incredibly reasonable and good in her reaction to this. What exactly are you expecting?! Please allow her to feel her feelings. Cracking down on her now because she’s given you some dirty looks and a few odd comments will just affirm to her that her needs are secondary now.

This. I have a DSD who also has a stepdad, her Mum’s DH, and I’ve heard her Mum
use “biological Mum/Dad and step Mum/Dad”
to clarify who we all are to others on more than one occasion. Is it a huge deal to some? Maybe. But my DSDs Mum has used it as a clarifying adjective and it certainly doesn’t seem to cause her any upset or insecurity. Everyone is different.

@Anxioustealady great post. Look into the Cinderella effect. Frightening! Whenever I’m having a bad time in my marriage, I think about the Cinderella effect and it motivates me to put a bit more work in and to be respectful etc.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cinderella_effect

I mean they can, but it’s never going to be fair on the current children

Great. Child feels scared and your response is discipline. Stop having dc. You are not a great parent